I feel like I lost the game

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Stargazer 1 year, 3 months ago.

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  • #42563


    I am almost two months out and still have horrible days. Luckily for me he hasn’t tried to reach out to me. The problem I am having is that I feel like a worthless person. I was with my N for almost 2 years. 1 year casually on and off while he was with someone. Then I was with him for another 6 months while he was “working on” getting out of his relationship. Finally, he was with me and living with me for about another 4 months, but I learned was still seeing his ex. Of course I did everything for him even though it was never correct or good enough. He never paid me for rent, bills or food, but constantly complained about my apartment and hated my dogs. He couldn’t keep a job with regular hours because his addiction to adderall and when he would run out he would sleep for days. There was constant manipulation, gas lighting, triangulation, double standards, lying and silent treatments. His phone was always dead, out of service or he left in the car, but he would constantly know what I am doing. Stay on FaceTime with me all day at work and would call me 20-30 times a day, but next day i would get one text to say he was busy. I had to stop wearing certain clothes because it was too sluttly, my friends couldn’t be trusted, and my job wasn’t good enough. I have never felt so crazy in my life. I almost lost my job because I couldn’t function. I lost 10lbs in a month and would stay up for days at a time. I am a teacher and would have to leave the room because I would have panic attacks everyday at work. I was questioning what was real, what to believe and I couldn’t make any decisions on my own. I was so dependent on him and I have always been independent. It took me 3 weeks to go to the grocery after he left me without having a panic attack. I have never been like this in my life. The day he left me for good he told brought me breakfast in bed and told me how much he loved me, how good a person I was, and how he was going to do better (he was great at going back and fort with me playing with my mind and emotions), but the story changed that night when I caught him at his EX’s house while he was suppose to be having dinner with his mother. I don’t think he actually ever stopped seeing her. Everyone at our work knew we were together, but his family and friends still thought he was with his so called ex. He told me he told his family about me, but when I went to find him at his parents she had no clue he was with me and still thought he was with his ex. Oh boy did he get mad at I blew his cover and it was all my fault then. Everyone thinks he is such a great guy and his family has no clue what he is doing with his life. I begged him for over a month to stop hurting me and he continually said he wasn’t and would never hurt me. Looking back I feel stupid at all the lies I believed and all the money I wasted on him. I feel like I was nothing and forgotten. When I went to his ex’s house I told her everything. She said she already knew and that she wasn’t with him. Now her picture on Facebook is of them together! Of course she must think I am crazy, but I told her things that couldn’t be denied! I just got done dog sitting her dogs for her with him when I told her all of this and she didn’t even seem to care???!!! She has been with him for 10 years since they were 16 expect for a few years here and there. I just tell myself she must be mind fucked by him. I just don’t understand why she would defend him when he did such terrible things to her and to me. When I was with him and he was “leaving” her I should have seen the signs he was doing things to her that a sociopath does. I am still very depressed that I am nothing and that he picked her over me. Why would someone do this to a person? I am also very worried I will be able to have a trusting relationship in the future. I have such negative thoughts about the morals of people when I use to be so trusting. Please help me move on.

  • #42567


    Hi there,

    I feel you. You’re not alone. I am a few weeks out now and the smear campaign doesn’t stop, my attorney even asked me to call the police on my husband.
    I know I am not in a good place to give advice, but I fell for you, similar things happened to me where I would go crazy trying to understand my husband.
    I learned the hard way, that we are unable to Understand/Reason/Make sense of their behaviour, actions or intentions. I had to listen to many of Donna’s courses in order to understand simple principles.

    Your only help will be Education. I am currently on that journey. Learn as much as you can about this personality disorder. Sometimes our problem is the inability to understand the problem. Listen to all free youtube education, google things, listen to Donna’s trainings, they are good. The moment you understand the following really well, your life will change and you will start thinking differently about your narcissistic or sociopath ex.

    – you have been used for his own needs, he Never loved you (I learned this the hard way and boy did it not hurt!), he was incapable of love
    – he has a different brain structure than normal people, this condition is highly genetic, as I was told by Donna and other experts
    – you have to detach yourself from the problems, because these are NOT your problems, your ex had a disorder and you are not guilty for it! There is no need to beat yourself down like I did, to turn everything around, to blame yourself. I have done this too but you Have to educate yourself to understand that what happened to you and your marriage was NOT your fault – your husband was disordered. You were a loving, compassionate, caring person wanting to help him in every way, but he lacked these qualities and he took advantage of you and used you and abused you mentally and emotionally (I saw this as love, but in the end I found out it was ABUSE.
    – your husband was skilled enough to abuse you in a way that you saw it as Love. He never loved you. This sounds painful, but if you read my story and the smear campaign you would understand. These people are extremely manipulative predators!
    – please feel grateful and i mean GRATEFUl to the universe that you are out, don’t worry about all the efforts, time and money you wasted on this guy because like me you will Never get it back. Just be grateful you have been blessed with a disordered husband and you could use that experience to appreciate the man that will come into your life and love you the way you Deserve to be loved.
    – please understand that anything you did to help/support/love/cherish your husband is already in the past. He did not appreciate anything, understand or empathy, it is Gone, instead of blaming him, understand that he is SICK and he was incapable of feelings. If someone has alzheimers you can never blame them for not remembering your name.
    – please distract yourself and find new hobbies as much as you can. If you are a pet lover and don’t have any, rescue an animal from a shelter and make him/her your friend. Go to dance lessons, go to clubs and sing a karaoke, do things differently even if these are out of your comfort zone, search yoga lessons on youtube and do daily yoga (i watch yoga with Adriene, she is good). Change you state and you will change your feelings. Be out and about as much as you can. Talk to people and get something to be busy with so that you don’t have time to dwell on problems. Your ex does not care about you or your losses right now. He is just out having fun with another woman right now and be grateful that you have not wasted any more time and energy with this parasite. I feel for you. I am going through the same problems and if you read about my story you would think “this is nothing” compared to what I am going through.
    -Join Mary Ann support group/ ask Donna, we Skype with each other biweekly. You would be surprised these parasites even target psychologists and therapists! They are master manipulators! Be grateful you are out. The only revenge you can have against your ex is this “BE HAPPY”, he will envy you, he will drink a poison and expect someone else to die!

    Good luck and take care.

    PS. I just posted a question here and I though to help someone with my experience.

    • #42579


      I wanted to respond since I am a teacher also — just went through a short experience with a sociopath (my first love from 35 years ago who pursued me, won me, and then dumped me — all to boost his ego and make his soon-to-be ex wife jealous, as far as I can tell). This was immediately following my filing for divorce in a 20 year marriage to a slightly less skilled user/abuser. As teachers we have to be so careful about relationships– our jobs leave no wiggle room for falling apart in front of our students.

      You are worthy, and you are not a forgettable person. But I relate to the trust issue. I find it helps to keep in mind that these sociopathic men have a real psychiatric disorder — they are not the norm. You are doing the right thing with no contact — I blocked mine on FB, email, phone, and every other means of electronic communication so he can’t try and get me back on that roller coaster when he gets tired of his current toy.

      You can survive this, and will be wiser for it in the future. But, yes, it hurts SO bad!

  • #42583


    Dear forgetable: Please know that sociopaths exert mind control over their victims so they can manipulate them. The way you feel is normal after being with one of these creeps – it is part of the mind control. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not crazy, unlovable, forgettable, or unworthy. It is just the control he exerted over you. Two months is not a long time to be away from him. I dated a sociopath for only 3 months. It took me a year to completely get over it. It’s going to take a while. But you will get past it.

    Whatever you do, love and respect yourself never to respond to him again, even if he begs you. Just cut him out of your life. You deserve peace. When you are feeling a little clearer, then it will time to introspect. You can look at why and how you let your standards and boundaries slip and why you let it be okay for him to abuse you for so long. There is always an introspective component to healing, and there will be a time for that. First you need to feel the pain of the betrayal. You will feel hurt and rage and all kinds of stuff – you may feel like you want to die – it’s normal. You just need to go through it. (We’ve all been there). It may just be a dull ache for a long time. Whatever it is, you can get through it.

    His ex who keeps taking him in is also a victim, and she will have her own issues to deal with if ever she has the courage you have to break away. But her well being is not your concern. Take care of yourself and leave her to deal with her own karma. What he does with her has nothing to do with you. It’s how he rolls.

    Keep reading the articles here and blogging. I hope this place helps you as much as it helped me when I needed it. (((hugs to you)))

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