I love what he meant to me

This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  allwin 1 year ago.

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  • #40783


    Hi Friends. This is my first post in the community. I married my soon to be ex 4 years ago. Out of the 6 years we were together, the first 3 were almost perfect. I saw so many red flags in the beginning that I wish I had not ignored. He was lovely, attentive but extremely rude to random people and appeared to have anger issues. Well, fast forward to 2015, I started to find messages between him and another woman about meeting up for coffee. I confronted him about it but he lied about that being an acquaintance and I believed him. The following year he started an affair with online with another woman, which I also found out about it. We went through hell. He didn’t think it was a big deal since, as he said, he never had a physical relationship with her. That’s when my nightmare began. It ended with me finding more emails and texts between him and other women,lying to them about his age and being single. One of them was a Minor. That’s when I decided I had to live. He left for s business trip, I rented an apartment and moved out of the house. This was at the end of February. I cry every single day. I miss not the abuse, but hat he represented to me. There is a round 2 to this but I want to keep the post short. We are not together and I am not going back to him. Any thoughts or advise?

  • #40788


    Hi Adriana0718,

    Congrats on having the courage to leave, I know how hard it is…and my story is similar. Maybe it will help a little. I am also new here.
    I also left my Xspath in Feb, and I know what you are going through….to a point. I was with mine two years before I threw in the towel, mostly because we have a child and the minute he acted up around her it was my perfect excuse…although I did not really need another one at that point. He was great in the beginning, like for a couple months, but thinking back on it he really wasn’t. I was in the process of a divorce and was lonely, I met him and was instantly attracted to him.

    I remember how he acted that first night, just one of his many personas….he did listen to me pour my heart out (I am a talker by nature…well I was! Not anymore, I do not trust) and he eventually used everything against me. He turned mean, calling me terrible names and accusing me of terrible things that were literally insane. I knew it was time to leave but then I got pregnant. By this time I found he had been texting nonstop with another girl and confronted him, he said it was just friends, that he needed a friend because I was so hard to deal with!
    By this time he had already drained all my savings and retirement money…but what really pisses me off is he didn’t force me, I did it on my own…because I thought he would pay it back. I will never see a dime. I thought having the baby would change him (please know that is NOT why I got pregnant, I actually thought I was not able to because of a procedure I had years ago). Anyway, he was super excited about having a child and treated me pretty well while I was pregnant…except when he didn’t…..anyway I gave birth last year and our daughter is great, but he did not improve and things were going so downhill with finances (I was the only one with a steady job and was up nursing the baby all night and was also suddenly responsible for all the chores and working all day…would come home to laundry and dishes to do…) and he slept all day, always an excuse as to why he couldn’t hold down a job. Long story short he took everything until there was nothing left to take…there was an incident where he was physically abusive and he had never done that before, plus the baby was in the room when it happened. That was enough for me.

    I called my parents and my Dad came and helped move me over 1500 miles away, and of course I have our daughter because the X is always in and out of jail and has drug problems and there was no way I was going to let him keep her, he didn’t even fight me on it, just said he was going to see us soon as soon as he cleaned himself up..all lies, I got to the point where I finally was able to be calm when he lied, because I used to blow up like crazy and that is what he liked, so I just nodded and agreed toward the end…and now in my mid 30s I am back living with my parents in a small town, am a single working Mom, and am bankrupt…he took everything. It has been about 90 days since I left but I cannot say 90 days NC because we did speak a couple times. The conversations were lies on his end or dodging questions, same old same old. But like you I was so sad…because there were a lot of good times and its lonely when you are used to snuggling with someone at night in bed! But I did it for my daughter and still was miserable, pissed off that he did this to me, pissed off I let him do it to me….I had been researching sociopaths and narcissists for almost a year and had a feeling he was a path and narc, I started looking things up because I was going crazy…he would do something and then say I was doing it! Gas lighting of course. Everything he accused me of he was actually doing.

    There was cheating, stealing, lying, drug abuse…so many things, I could go on and on and will at some point but this is my first time ever telling my story too. So over the past year I started separating myself from him mentally and being a bit more distant, he noticed of course and didn’t like it because then I didn’t need him….but I always gave in to everything he asked about money and material things etc. He had no male friends, said they were all “haters” (because of how he can get any woman he wants, which he knows…although those days are ending soon, looks fade!). But when him and I would walk down the street I would see the women stop and look at him and he loved that attention. Of course he has no male friends because they don’t want anything to do with him, the people he did call was always because he needed something – money, drugs, a car, etc. So many signs and red flags. And I let it go on…because I believed him when he said he would change. Then I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know if all the research did it, all the lies and bullshit, maybe pregnancy hormones…but I finally realized okay this is NOT normal behavior. I am on a website taking a test to see if my spouse is a psychopath….clearly something is wrong! And I finally decided I was doing it for myself AND my daughter.

    I told him I was leaving him and was not scared to do so because he had a warrant out for his arrest and was locked up when I left. He actually thought having a baby meant I would never leave him, he told me once that he thought because of wanting to keep our family together I would be less likely to leave him. I told him he could not have been more wrong and that our daughter would not grow up around him and think the way he acts is normal. Anyway, I digress….there are so many examples of things he did that I cannot believe I allowed and put up with, and the longer I am away from him the easier it is in some ways…but at the same time, I really miss the good times with him. Well, I did the first couple months. But then I would look back and say, were they really that good? Because everything sweet he did for me had a motive for him. EVERYTHING.

    Making me pancakes when I was pregnant? That was to get me to gain too much baby weight so I would have a hard time losing it and be unhappy about it, he knew I always worried about my weight because he read every single one of my journals and actually made notes in them! I also started to break apart in my mind his words vs. his actions in the few months before I left him…I heard somewhere sociopaths and psychopaths cannot cry because they can not feel any empathy and for him that was true, he would boo hoo down on his knees when I would be calm and tell him I wanted to move on (when I was upset and crying/yelling he yelled and called me crazy and accused me of all sorts of stuff…he would say, you are only acting like this because you are on drugs or cheating on me, so which is it? I would be upset because I caught him lying about a girl and that was his response – that I was either on drugs or cheating so why was I acting out? It HAD to be one of those things. Rationalizing was A HUGE WASTE OF TIME. So was having any sort of adult conversation. He would say something rude about housekeeping, for example, and I would try to explain back that I needed help (this was all in a calm voice) and he would interrupt me and say “look thats fine just leave it alone I don’t want to talk about it anymore”. I said that conversations do not work that way, we BOTH get to speak. In one ear and out the other. So infuriating.

    He would pull the parking break handle in my car so high I could not leave and take the chain out of the garage and lock me in there, stealing my phone and purse and laptop. Other times he locked me out of the house and I slept in my car in a parking lot overnight in winter while it was snowing and I was 4 months pregnant. etc…so many examples. I thought there was no way out. I had lost all my hard work to build up my credit, couldn’t hold down a job being a new mom and doing all the work around the house, he couldn’t hold one down either…and so mentally I prepared.

    When he would be gone for longer than he said he would out doing god knows what (I know he has fooled around with men before and would not be surprised to hear he is gay or just asexual, it’s just a hole for him to stick his dick into, doesn’t matter who it is, because we are all objects). Sorry to be crude but eventually I realized that is how he looked at it…he was also addicted to porn. However, the sex was great, in fact I still cannot imagine being with anyone else yet…if anyone will compare to him…it’s bad to think that way but it’s true and he knows it. ….anyway, he would be gone for hours and I would not ask him where he had been and drill him since I knew it would be lies, I would just say, hey glad you are home safe. A

    And he noticed the change but did not think I would act on it…but anyway, now that I am here and he is there I def went through a very angry phase (which I still go through but am trying to look on the positive side that this has opened new doors for me because I really like my job and would not be working where I am now if I had not moved back east). I cried a few times at night and when I see things that remind me of him or when a song comes on…I won’t lie, I still get sad. But then I remember….and I tell myself how nice it is to come and go as I please like an adult and that there is plenty of time to meet someone new once I am settled and that things will only get better….

    I am concerned about him now being out of jail and wanting contact with our daughter but he said he will not fight me for custody because I would clearly win. This could change in the future though after he cleans himself up. Then one time he said, “besides I am sure when she is 18 she will come running to me”. Jerk. I asked if he is going to help with child support and of course there are excuses…and I am like really, you won’t support your own daughter? Fine, then you don’t need to be in our lives. I am lucky that he has legal issues that will allow me to keep her away from him, but at the same time I never saw my life unfolding this way….living back with my parents and being a single working Mom? But I am working on accepting and making things positive. Some days are harder than others of course. But I just remember that all the things he said that I believed…were lies. They were all lies no matter what he says and they continue to be lies. He never loved me. Ever. I know he is lying because his lips are moving.

    I know what you mean you when you say you missed what he represented….I remember once my X said he would wrap me in his arms and never let go, this was in the very beginning of our relationship when I was having a bad day and it was the most comforting thing. And he said all the right things and did all the right things then too…he did not have much money but he cleaned the house and cooked and always got coffee for us in the morning etc. I thought I had finally found my match, we had so many odd things in common (funny how that works) but were also very different, it was this great “opposites attract” thing. But then….no, it wasn’t. He isn’t my opposite I don’t know what he is. I don’t think he has a soul. I think he can mimic having one very well, and sometimes I think he really cares about our daughter, but when we had her he just liked carrying her around so people would come up and ooh and aah over her…more attention for him. It is always about him.

    Anyway, I am glad you left your X and just remember, it’s okay to cry and be sad, you are going through the stages of grief. When I found the girl’s number in his phone and saw on the bill how much they talked and texted I was devastated….I could not believe it. I have never cheated on anyone nor been cheated on. From there it got worse and worse. I should have left him then….and I think the reason he didn’t leave me was because the girl he was talking to wouldn’t hook up with him! No new supply for him!

    Can you tell me a little more about what your ex did in the beginning that caused red flags? Please try to remember you made the right choice. by leaving. It will get easier with time…question, how far away are you from him? Do you still talk and have the same circle of friends?

    Sorry this post is so long….and I did not even get into 75% of the shit he did to me! Man oh man. Still cannot believe I let him get away with so much. But in the end, he is the one who is empty inside and hates it, he even told me that once….he said being bipolar made him feel empty inside all the time, and I know bipolar can be all over the spectrum but my thought is that he actually has no conscience and that is why he feels that way. Severe depression and mania are signs of bipolar, not feeling “empty” or “nothing”. He said it’s like the same day in and day out with nothing to ever look forward to and that he is empty where other people are not. (I am not a bipolar expert so please do not quote me on any of that info, perhaps that is how it feels to be bipolar). He is constantly bored always leaving the house walking for miles meeting women and getting drugs….Other spaths have described a similar feeling and also being bored. Oh, but he can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, I have heard that spaths do this because they do not stay up and worry like we do because they don’t care. There is nothing inside. It kind of makes me feel sorry for him. I guess that is a step in the right direction but it has been about 1.5 years in the making, I started researching this stuff early on when he was gaslighting me and began mentally preparing for the fact that he probably did not love me…even though I let him take everything before I left him. Stupid. Oh well.
    Please hang in there!

    Stay strong,

  • #40792


    Hi Adriana, so glad that you had the strength to leave this man & have the courage here to post. One of the greatest steps in healing is reaching out for help. You should be so proud of yourself for knowing something was off with him & researching the truth which lead you here to this wonderful site Lovefraud created by Donna Anderson.

    One of the most important things that I have learned from this whole nightmare of marrying a sociopath is never to weaver from your gut instinct. These evil sociopath are everywhere!! It is estimated that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopath/psychopaths!!

    Experts believe that we meet one in passing EVERYDAY!! Whether in the deli line, at work, a friends part etc.

    Experts also believe that we have one in our circle of friends & family without even knowing because we are not educated on these evil people’s traits.

    So know thru our nightmare we have one of the keys to how this planet operates.

    There is a good video on you tube where Oprah interviews the book author of Gift of Fear, Gavin Debecker. This interview will remind you to follow your gut…and to NOT ignore those RED FLAGS you see in people.

    Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch it. Also look at his book (your local library may have it or maybe order it).

    I’m glad you posted your first post here at Lovefraud. Just to let you know when coming out of hell from a sociopathic relationship post are never “short”. So dont worry how long your post are just type away, vent, ask questions etc.

    Hugs to you!! We hear you! We are here for you.

    Take care.

    ps Watch Donna Anderson’s videos up at the top of Lovefraud. They are very helpful in unraveling your nightmare & spotting a sociopath in your future.

  • #40793


    Just wanted to add. Advise:

    Follow the “No Contact rule” with this evil man!!

    Do a search on the top right corner of Lovefraud for these terms (then also on the net):

    Gray Rock

    No contact rule

    Narcissist smear campaign

    Narcissist triangulation

    gas lighting abuse

    READ READ READ everything on this site. The more you read the more you open up your mind from his manipulation & brain washing (YES!! these evil people literally brain wash their mates to control them).

    If you need to speak with someone verbally. Donna Anderson here at Lovefraud has a consolation program for a small fee where you can chat with her. Also if you look on the Lovefraud home page down towards the bottom Donna has posted steps to take. Click on the therapy box I believe it has a list of therapist too. Talking out your emotions is part of the healing process.

    Look into adrenal fatigue symptoms. Most victims of sociopath abuse have PTSD. One of the issues with PTSD is adrenal fatigue. Sites like DrLam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org have info & you can also google the words Adrenal fatigue. Taking care of your body after this toxic relationship should also be a priority for you.

    Hugs to you.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Jan7.
  • #40796


    Thank you Jan7 for the advice, I realized too late that my response ended up being my own story! I am also going to check out the links and info you mentioned. From what I have read on here from people who have left their spath and been NC for years, the recurring theme seems to be that this will will drastically change the course of our lives and we will never be the same again. Just posting my story last night got me thinking about him again and I got mad about things I suddenly remembered, instead of being in the moment and working on moving forward. I hope he doesn’t have this pull on me my whole life.
    Thanks again.

  • #40828


    Wow ladies, thank you so much. Jan I will look through all the material, I just got started 😉. I have a very strong support network that includes 2 doctors and a therapist. Im familiar with adrenal fatigue as I had issues before due to thyroid problems. I had a saliva test done recently and everything appears normal. Luckily, I have a good job and no children so I have a bit more time to take care of myself and I am doing it. Things as simple as warm bath, spreading shea butter on your legs will help so much. I’m also sleeping much better since I Left. Have you guys read Rising Strong from Beene Brown? It’s a good book, as well. I’m currently reading Psychopath Free and I love it.

    90daysgone – what a long road, girl. I identify so much with you. It’s funny because even though circumstances are different, their patterns affect us the same way. My husband is a high level Fedesl Government employee with a high security clearance. Being caught lying and hitting on a minor is a big problem for him and I have copies of their texts. How we will play this in the settlement I will leave it up to my lawyer. My husband doesn’t have any addictions, except video game and I think porn is included. He pays the bills and financially he takes good care of me and the house. However, it all comes with a price. When he gives me nice things, he throws it on my face in every single opportunity. He sleeps a lot. When he works from home, he turns on his laptop, put a coffee mug on top of the keyboard to appear online for his coworkers and then goes upstairs and sleeps all day. We had a house in a new development. There was a minor damage on the cabinet affixed to the wall in the bathroom so he went to a house under construction across the street from us and stole the one from it to replace ours. I had a big painting from an ex artist boyfriend that I liked. The painting was in our garage because he didn’t like it and didn’t want to hang. I was ok with it. Then before moving I couldn’t find it anywhere. I’m sure he sold or threw away along with a bunch of other things at disappeared.

    The red flags? I saw a comment from him on a woman’s Facebook saying how gorgeous she was. We had been together for a couple of months at that point. He got in trouble at work for harassment of a 26 year old employee. He wanted to buy a tv one day and the store was about to close so instead of going the next day, what does he do? Runs through every single red light in a 10 long road with me inside the car scared to death. Just to tell you a few.

    now the best of all that unfortunately I found out about after I left: he told me and several other women that he had a fiancé who died due to complications of type 2 diabetes. Well..as it turns out, this fiancé was a girlfriend whom he cheated on and kicked him out of their apartment with a black eye. She is alive and well, married with children. That’s his story to gain sympathy from women.

    Why do we love and give to people like this?

  • #40891


    That’s really sad what you had to go through. But you dared to take the right decision at the right time.

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