I need advice! Dealing with a psychopath

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #47744


    Hi! I would like to receive some advice.

    Three weeks ago I discovered my husband wasn´t who I thought he was.

    I met him on Tinder (dating app) when I moved to a Scandinavian country (Country A -I do not mention the country to protect myself) in 2016. We started a relationship, for me it was “normal” but now I can see all the red flags that existed and I just ignored.

    At the beginning he was charming, he told me all the things a woman wants to listen, he cared about details. I did not want a relationship but I got trapped. He starting calling me his girlfriend, then he invited me to celebrate Christmas with his family. As I was 7000 miles from my family, it was very easy to trapped me.

    Now I can see all those red flags. For example:
    – He invited to stay a weekend at his place after our 2nd date. He was trying to create intimacy.
    – When we were dating he posted on Instagram a photo of a girl we “met” by chance. She told me it was his friend.
    – He never shared any photo of us or me in Social Media. And he used social media a lot.
    – Once we were having a coffee and he received a Tinder message, I left the place and he came to find me and said he wasn´t using the app.
    – He had a secret agenda. I did not know that was his work or his schedule.
    – He had no friends. He had no contact with his family (except for birthday, Easter and Christmas)
    – He always told me a was too emotional and too needy
    – He blamed me for all the conflicts in the relationship
    – Once he went out and came 14 hours later under the effects of drugs. He told me his friend put drugs against his will in his drink. I run away to another European country were I had friends and he came to take me back with him.
    – He never said sorry for anything.
    – He is 36 and he never had a long term relationship before me.
    – When my grandmother died, he showed zero empathy
    – I felt very tired, with low energy during the relationship. I started to socialize less, I started to dress with baggy clothes, to covered all my body.
    – He started to say he did not feel attraction to me. He called me depressive, lazy. He told me to suicide. He told me I could not be a good mother.
    – He always said he was happy and I was the problem.

    He got married in the summer of 2018. We applied for a visa from his home country (Country A) that was denied, so we had to move to another Scandinavian country (Country B). While we were living in this country he started to act more weird than normal. He ignored me, I was so sad that I could be days and days without eating and he did not care. He even did not talk to me for days. In country B I had no friends or family, and I could not work. I was alone. It was the worst month of my life.

    One night I checked his phone (it was the first time I did it) and I saw Tinder logo. I could log in to his account and I saw he was writing to a lot of women while he was at work trips. I also found a lot of messages with women on Instagram and Facebook. So many women, so many messages that I can not even count how many they were. All what he did, everything what he did was a lie. He never loved me.

    When I confronted him, he denied everything and the he started to blame me! He said I was the source of problem in the relationship. I felt so bad and lonely that I contact his parents and one of his silbings, but I got no answers. Some days later his mother told me to solve my problems with him.

    I was alone in country B. I had no money, because he had my savings in his bank account, no cash.

    I planned a strategy to run away. I used a medical problem I had as an excuse to visit a doctor in another country (country C)

    Now I am in “country C” with a close friends and her family. I can not entered to the country A (where he is from and where we got married). I have to wait 6 weeks more due to a visa situation. I want to ask for divorce. I do not want to see never again in my life, but I do know how I should act.

    He thinks I will come back to the country A. I have not said a word about divorce. I have contacted lawyers to know about my rights. I am still in contact with him by messages. I want to start with NO contact but I had to pretend “everything was fine” to recovered my money.

    This is a nightmare. I do not what to do. I have started therapy but with only 50 minutes per week is not enough. I felt like an idiot, used, dirty, with no value.

    How would you manage the situation?

  • #47756

    Donna Andersen

    Melania – I am so sorry for your situation. The guy is a complete sociopath. He never loved you – he cannot love anybody.

    I know you feel badly, but you are doing the right things. You didn’t
    Say how much of your money he has. It’s possible that you won’t get it back, or perhaps getting it back is not worth the trouble.

    It would be best to have No Contact with him. When you have No Contact, your brain and emotions will start to clear. That’s why it may not be worth going after your money – it keeps you in contact with him.

    If you decide you do want your money, you are doing it the right way – pretend to be talking to him. Recognize that you are playing a game – you are deceiving him like he deceived you. Don’t let on that you know what he is, at least for now.

    He will never change. Do what you must to get him out of your life and move on.

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