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I need confirmation that my instincts aren\'t failing me

This topic contains 14 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Synergy 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #39446

    baztrix
    Participant

    I’ve been with my partner for just over 4 and a half years, and while the first 6-12 months were great (aren’t they always lol), the rest have been far from it. Like many others I was drawn to his charm, his aspirations to succeed in life and his ability to remain calm in any situation. Honestly? I couldn’t fault him! I strived to have qualities like these and hoped I could learn from him. When my friends and family first met him, his quiet and reserved nature was often mistaken for arrogance though it never took long for the critics to become fanatics, and scepticism to become awe. I loved that everyone loved him, that is until I realised how much it could work against me. My loud, animated personality was a liability when it met with his contrasting coolness, and i was often perceived as the villain. Fast forward to now and It would take me a week to note everything that’s occurred since those happy days. Our relationship runs at a dysfunctional level and I’ve long said I believe it’s too damaged to ever be good again. One thing I find intriguing is that before I properly researched sociopathy I had already labelled certain traits of his as ones I found hard to accept or understand. I always knew he was driven by pride, but not to the extent where I now believe he’d rather saw his own arm off than admit he’s wrong or even that his judgement was a little off. Whether he’s wrong about something or has been caught lying he refuses to acknowledge it, Even if there’s undeniable proof he will argue the point saying that I’m crazy and need help and try to turn it back on me. You can see on his face that it physically pains him to admit his faults and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard him genuinely say sorry. I’ve also long said he was born without a remorse gene and at times he seems incapable of emotions altogether. He has an extremely dark sense of humour where nothing is off limits (like knowing full well I had a brother who died of cot death when I was 5 but still feeling the need to look up and read aloud dead baby jokes), yet the smallest thing at times will offend him and he’ll be embarrassed/angry that u could ever say such a thing. He has no sense of consequence or regard for anyone’s feelings, nor does he seem to have any desire to progress in life, which is a shame as he’s extremely intelligent, though it infuriates me as he thinks he’s smarter than everyone and constantly tells me I’m dumb. We’ve recently been evicted-and not for the first time either- for falling behind with rent. Although I don’t blame him entirely it angers me that certain things don’t appear to phase him and that he clearly doesn’t learn from experiences or make things like paying rent a priority. I could go on and on but Ive rambled enough I think! Basically my current situation is that we’re staying with a friend til we find a place. But I’m at breaking point and I think I want out, as I’m not convinced that the same crap won’t happen again in what I call this broken record relationship. What makes it hard is that my options are limited due to the fact I’ve neglected my relationships with a lot of people since being with my partner (surprise surprise!) I know I can sort out those things anyway I just really need some advice on whether my feelings are warranted and if it does sound like I’m dealing with a sociopath. Any feedback is much appreciated and thank you for reading 🙂

  • #39713

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Baztrix – Your instincts are correct. You are describing the classic traits of a sociopath. Please dump this guy ASAP. It will never get better.

  • #39876

    jaciesq
    Participant

    I spent 8 years trying to determine whether he is a sociopath or not. After sustaining incredible emotional and physical abuse, discovering that he had slept with dozens of prostitutes and other women, after countless marriage counsellors, individual therapy, trying anti-psychotic medication because he had convinced me and everyone else that it was me, I realized that it didn’t matter if he was or was not a sociopath. If that was the question on the table, I better get the hell out of there. Once all the truth came out, slowly and painfully over the course of a year and a half, he stopped even pretending to be kind. It was like there was no point anymore. I was too beat down to leave for a while. Finally, with the help of my friends, I left. I packed all my things and moved in one day because he changed the locks and told me he’d throw away anything I left behind, even though we owned the house together. He harassed me for a while and bullied me down on the divorce agreement. Then, not three months after I left, he moved a new girl into the house, bought her a new car, and started parading her around everyone we know. I feel better than I knew possible, but it’s still a painful process. If you think that you are with a sociopath, leave. Who cares if they are or are not? If that is the question, why would you stay? I left a big house and a big income and a lot of things behind. I have not regretted it for one second. Over the past year and a half, as the truth came out, I learned that my instincts were spot on, but he had convinced me that I was insane (look up gaslighting). Please, at least find one person to be completely honest with about your situation.

  • #39881

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Gaslighting is common with psycho/sociopaths. It is important to be aware.

  • #39884

    tmb
    Participant

    Yes get out. I was only with my boyfriend for a 1 1/2 yrs. But in that time I went from the highest high to the lowest low. I didn’t even recognize myself. And that became my answer. No matter what he is. The facts are….he was married three times. Had many many short term relationships and cheated on us all. And the person you love is supposed to make you a better version of yourself. Not worse. Everyone fights I know….but I WASN’T ME anymore. I sat down a googled some of the things he did. He meets every red flag there is. Very charming. Everyone loves him….however, they don’t trust him. He was the life of the party but no one was fixing him up with their sister. And he will cheat on the next and the next. So I have moved on. Still hard but getting stronger every day. It’s like being addicted to drugs. I wanted the high of the beginning. And it looks like you may be looking for that too. I say run!! Listen to the song “Better Man”. I swear I think whoever wrote it was involved with someone like this. Good luck to you!!

  • #39892

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    I agree with tmb.

  • #39978

    baztrix
    Participant

    Thanks heaps everyone for your comments/advice, it’s really appreciated and exactly what I needed 😊 Ive definitely heard of gaslighting but can’t for the life of me remember what it is so I’ll be looking it up after I post this. I agree that I should be leaving him regardless of whether he’s a sociopath or not because for a long time I’ve ummed and ahhhed about certain things re. Our relationship and thought-well there’s my answer! Having so many doubts and negative thoughts surely tells me that it’s just not going to work! I guess I just needed that extra advice and confirmation to be sure- probably coz my overall confidence has diminished to a point where I always second guess myself and am unsure if I’m ever making the right decision about anything (gee I wonder what brought that on lol)
    I’m in the process of looking for a place anyway I just need to save up some more and Then I’m out. Thanks again for your support guys it really means the world to me 😊✌🏻

  • #40084

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    I hope you are out.

  • #40088

    Synergy
    Participant

    baztrix wrote — “Everyone fights I know”¦” I wonder if this is true. My partner and I have never fought in our six years together. He has never yelled at me, because I told him (and mentioned this to other friends I have), “NEVER yell at me. If a person yells at me, I will turn my back and walk away, and NEVER look back.” I’ve spent too many years of my life being yelled at, and yelling back. My partner and I sometimes disagree on something but it goes away very very soon.; we agree to disagree and then drop it. After a while, one of us often (not always!) sees the other one’s point of view and may change our own on the matter. Another thing is, though, that we do not live together. That might be solution to not fighting. I know if I lived with him — or anyone, even a woman roommate — I would fight with the person.

  • #40092

    Little52
    Participant

    Show me a relationship with no fighting and I’ll show you a relationship full of secrets.

  • #40094

    Synergy
    Participant

    Nothing is true of 100\% of people. If there are secrets, I’d a whole lot rather that, than fighting. I will NOT fight. And I personally don’t have any secrets. If he does, so be it.

  • #40095

    Redwald
    Participant

    Baztrix, quite apart from what this guy is like, who wants to live with a partner who (contrary to his professed “aspirations to succeed”) only drags you into poverty and homelessness? Where would you end up in your old age? You’re far better off doing what you plan to do: work, save money, and get your own place to live in. You’re better off without him than with him!

  • #40101

    Synergy
    Participant

    Redwald and Beatrix, yes that is exactly the conclusion I made to get rid of my very sexy, creative, handsome, charming, gaslighting, deceitful ex. Many of the people in his family were con artists, and all of them were dangerous. His sister tried to con me out of my HOUSE. Fortunately my dad was a lawyer, smelled a rat, and he recommended an specialist attorney who helped me out of that part.

    Then husband convinced me to garage-sale everything I owned that would not fit into a Dodge Omni (small car) and we took off across the country. I lose thousands of dollars in the rush-sale of the house. It was a great trip out, so maybe it was worth it, but it was also a big con. We were not planning to come back. We ran away from everything. But we came back “with our tails between our legs” and fought all the way home in the car. I think he was mainly interested in me because I owned a house. We were together 11 years. I wanted to get rid of him right from the beginning because we were fighting. But his very religious mother convinced us to get married. Then, his family turned against me and tried to influence him against me. It was a big nightmare, except for the good sex and many fun times we had. But after a while, he’d get really grumpy even on our trips to the coast, etc etc

  • #40104

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Synergy Good move.

  • #40105

    Synergy
    Participant

    Hi Sunnygal Yeah, yay for me. You know what? That guy did vandalism, at least twice that I know of… once as a kid, once when he was married to me – he told me about demolishing a big piece of equipment. And get this — A late uncle of his was in prison — guess why — the rotten rat had played/tried to prey on the family of a kidnapped child!!! He tried to collect the ransom money — he was not involved in the kidnapping not one little bit. Can never that such a scoundrel would ever exist in this world.

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