How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › I swear you cannot make this stuff up
December 13, 2018 at 12:20 am #47774
So after reading the book that referenced this site, I am convinced I am married to a narcissist sociopath but just need to hear I’m not crazy.
We have been married 11 1/2 years and have 3 kids who are 9, 7, 6. His first affair was last year where he talked to some girl online and decided he wanted a divorce out of the blue one day. Then, and I didn’t know this until months later, after that declaration he flew a complete stranger into the hotel he was staying at for work and had unprotected sex with her, and came home to “work on our marriage”. However, he was a stranger, cruel and indifferent to myself and our children. He loved to flaunt that he was talking to a girl and wanted to meet her. He loved to tell me this after sex and pretend like I can prevent him from meeting her if I behaved appropriately. The initial declaration was completely out of nowhere.
He would say things like “the only way to keep this family together is to let me fly to another country to meet her because I’m not letting this go without being even more angry and resentful.”
Fast forward three months later, I’m preparing to file for divorce as I couldn’t take the emotional abuse any longer and he comes clean that he had already slept with her. I felt raped, violated in so many ways. I couldn’t look at him. He begged me for another chance, told me I can’t just blow up our marriage and the kids home etc. I relented stupidly.
This year, 8 months from the last affair, he pursued another girl online except this one, graduated high school last year. 24 hours after returning from my mothers funeral, after watching her suffer and die from stage 4 cancer, he tells me and the kids “I don’t want to hurt Mommy or you guys anymore. Daddy has some bad things in his head I need to figure out I don’t know when or if I will be back”. Then he proceeded to drive 5 hours away to move into this girl’s dorm. She is 18. Then, all begind my back, he moves into an apartment in another state, I am getting change of address confirmation I the mail. He got preapproval for a mortgage, but in the state he tried buying a home in, your spouse needs to sign. He had the audacity to ask my father in law, his father, who knew he’d lost his mind to co-sign a loan for him. He refused of course.
All this time I have no idea he is having an affair until I get a message on FB from one of the girls friends with pictures of his car. I confront him and he tells me I’m lying and making it up, claimed I sent it to myself, etc says he met a girl but they’d “only kissed” and he wouldn’t stop talking to her “without getting hateful and resentful”. Mind you, the entire time he’s been gone not once asked about our children or answers their calls. He ignores me 99% of the time and when he does speak to me it’s to blame me for his need to leave and be alone. He was never alone. He moved in with this girl the moment he left, again without ever meeting her prior and taking online less than a month.
He refused to give me his address to attempt to evade service of divorce papers and I found his ass anyway. He begged to come home after he knew I was filing, weaseling his way back by saying “I need help, I have to get help”. Meaning psychological help. Well when he came home he admitted he had actually not ended his affair or gotten rid of his apartment and refused to call her and end it. I told him he had to leave and tell the kids why he was leaving. He refused and snuck out while we all slept of course blaming me.
We have not seen him in 7 months but he makes sure to maintain tentacles of control over my life. He hasn’t even bothered with the kids, and they are so hurt by him they refuse to talk to him. I have them all in therapy. I am completely alone, the only adult responsible for three little kids with my closest family 8 hours away. He doesn’t answer my calls or requests for money or support, nor will he help in any way with documents or releasing passwords on our accounts for the home. All ways to make me have to communicate with him. Our first court date isn’t until March and that’s all his doing. I don’t want to have to deal with him at all however I work full time and care for this huge house and my kids and there are so many things and accounts that only he knows and has control of. I just want to be rid of him forever.
Not only did I lose my mom whom I was so close to, my kids lost the only grandma they ever knew and my grandmother in January. It’s been a horrific last year plus and honestly my beautiful babies are what have gotten me through and kept me strong.
How the fuck do they live with themselves?!??
December 14, 2018 at 7:51 am #47779
I understand you. My husband is a phychopath too.
When the truth reveals, it so painful that you think your heart won´t support all that grief. You feel you are in a black hole, alone. It feels like dying.
You are not alone! And you are strong! And you will be happy again, you will see the light.
Feel lucky that his mask went off. Some women live with a physchopath all their lives without noticing.
He never loved you. It very difficult to make a grief of a person who never existed. My husband used had the same behaviors as yours: he was a stranger, cruel and indifferent to myself , he was dating woman online, he did not care about my feeling when my grandmother died, he had unprotected sex with other woman and I also felt” raped, violated in so many ways. I couldn’t look at him” as you wrote. I had to take blood test to check I did not have any STD´s.
And he can live with himself because he is not human, he has no empathy and he will never have. He will never change.
Now you are going through a hard time but you will overcome it.
You must know you can not count with him. He will take any chance he has to turn into a nightmare. Do not ask for any favour. He does not care, he doesn´t even care for his own kids. He only cares about him. You will reduce the amount of conflicts and problems if you are aware of that. I know it is very unfair for you, but is it how life is sometimes. You only need to assume the new reality you have and work.
Take one day at the time. You will be fine, your kids will be fine.
Now you have the chance to start a new life. You have 3 kids that will see how strong and brave their mom is. You can do it!!!
December 14, 2018 at 1:52 pm #47780
catnurse – It is shocking, isn’t it? The callousness, the lying, the blaming, the ability to just walk away — just shocking.
Your objective at this point is to figure out how to get him out of your life and the lives of your children. A lot of people believe that children need their father. Not when the father is a sociopath.
We have lots of information here on Lovefraud and in our webinars that may help you. I recommend that you educate yourself. Make sure you understand what you’re dealing with, and know your rights in your state. Do not expect him to do what is right. He really doesn’t care. The best thing you can do is move forward without him, but never let him know what your plans are.
December 14, 2018 at 4:29 pm #47782
Hi Catnurse, my heart aches for you & your children. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this nightmare from this evil sociopath. Reading your post reminds me of my ex h, a sociopath and his emotional & mental abuse for the entire marriage & dating. This guy you are married to is no doubt a sociopath!! The lack of empathy & compassion for you & your children is a huge RED flag that he is a sociopath. Along with his high level of selfish behavior.
Please go to the top of Lovefraud and do a search on “Husband, Liar, Sociopath” book. The author posted every chapter for all of us to read. Your state “I swear you can’t make this stuff up” is a common remark from victims of sociopaths and this book will give you the insite into what sociopath do behind our backs.
Sociopaths never want to let go of their family…please keep this in mind & protect you & your children. Look into a home security system and also let the children school know that you are divorcing this man so that they will look after your children. In addition tell your most trusted friends and family what is really going on with this guy & how he has treated you. Ask them to keep a journal of dates, times & specifics this can be used in court. You do the same too. In addition ask your most trusted friends and family to come to love fraud to educate themselves on what you & your children are enduring.
This sociopath you are married to is most likely going to come back around to mess with your mind as the divorce court date approaches. Dont let him con you into his game again. It’s best not to get emotionally involved in their game. Stay detached from his words. DO NOT TAKE HIS WORDS personally!! If he tells you he “loves you” know that he is lying…just look at what he is doing now to you…if he tells you he “hates you” just ignore him. He will first play nice…when you dont react..he will get angry, he will blame shift everything on to you, he will say he will “take the kids from you” etc…DONT TAKE HIS BAIT…just bit your tongue…laugh inside at his antics and stay detached. When you get involved in his fights (that is what he wants) he then controls your emotions instead of you controlling your emotions.
Detached = dont engage in is con game. Once you master this…you have power over him. Remember sociopaths want power & control over EVERYONE…that is their ultimate goal. Right now he wants you & your children on the side burner incase this new relationship does not last (little does he realize = it will not last as sociopaths are incapable of a meaningful relationship). When this supply dumps him & kicks him out he will come back to you begging, crying, sobbing, blame shipping, pity me manipulation etc. to get you back in his grips only to do the same game again of finding someone online & dumping you. Most if not all sociopath play the same game. My ex was no different.
Your husbands cheating has NOTHING to do with you or whether you were a good enough wife!! (read that again!!)
When I left my ex h (a sociopath) i told my counselor that I thought he had cheated on me 8-12 times…she told me that it was more likely 3 to 4 times that number!! Because sociopath are serial cheaters!!! I believe now she is correct. My ex h traveled weekly and most likely cheated every week. I found out after I left him that he was on lots of hook up sites etc. I caught him in a two year affair with a co worker. My gut was telling me right from the get go he was cheating…but of course he spun my head away from my gut instinct.
TRUST YOUR GUT RIGHT NOW. Pleas also get help from your local domestic abuse center for an DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY & EXIT PLAN. THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A WOMAN IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (YES, YOU ARE IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP) IS WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT. So please get help with this plan out.
Do a search here on Lovefraud for “One moms battle” book. And also Donna’s interview with the author Tina Swiften. This is about divorce & child custody court. Be ready to battle in court. Sociopaths true nature comes out in court. They are ruthless & evil.
Look on One moms battle Facebook page. If you are going to post I would suggest you open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat freely without your husband, his family & friends from seeing. Add privacy modes on your Facebook page “me only”.
So glad that you had the courage to post here at Lovefraud. This is a huge step in the healing process. I’m truly sorry you are enduring this nightmare. You have found a safe place to vent here.
WE BELIEVE YOU, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!
Wishing you all the best, Take care.
Look up here on Lovefraud & net:
gas lighting abuse
sociopath smear campaign
sociopath low contact rule (have children with them rule)
no contact rule
pity me manipulation
Also google “Oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. Gavin’s book is called Gift of Fear. Don’t listen to his words = he is a pathological liar…only listen to your gut!! your local library may have his book. Also buy Donna’s book Lovefruad 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. If you go to the top of Lovefraud look under the red tab for “Store” and also the free videos under the Video tab.
December 14, 2018 at 4:40 pm #47784
Catnurse, My condolences for the loss of your mother. That is the ultimate heartache of losing a beloved parent?
All the stress you were under with your mother going thru cancer diagnosis, treatment and losing her is a tremendous amount of stress on it’s own. Let alone everything else you were dealing with now.
Please now look after your health. Stress kills. And right now you are under a tremendous amount of stress raising your family & dealing with divorce.
Look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms. See sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam. com. You most likely are suffering from PTSD (like most victims of a sociopath). I believe the root body issues is the adrenal glands not working correctly from the continued stress we suffer.
Sending you huge HUGS!! ???
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Jan7.
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