I want to talk to his recent ex, for validation

This topic contains 11 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  marinapearl 2 months ago.

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  • #46327


    I’ve been on this site for more than a year. It has been a great help to me as a resource when I am feeling down or having doubts or questions. It always amazes me that articles and related comments posted years ago are so relevant to what I have and am going through.

    I was with my ex for around 8 years off and on. He left me again last June (2017). He still reaches out to me regularly. I’ve attempted ‘no contact’ several times. I have not accomplished no contact the way this site describes it. It is complicated and difficult. I blocked him on my cell phone so he cannot text me, but he found a way to bypass the block to call me and leaves voice mails. I don’t listen to most of them….sometimes I will listen to one here and there just to see what’s going on. He also emails me on every email address he can find for me so at least one gets through. I deleted my Facebook over a year and a half ago. One of the most creative way was he found my account on Pinterest and sent me a bunch of relationship quotes. Anyhow, I keep trying no contact. It seems like when I am feeling good and confident in myself, he finds a way to get through even if it is just for me to see that he has tried gives me anxiety. The worst is that I still think about him. I will just be going along and something will remind me. It can be something good or something bad. I hate that he still occupies my thoughts!

    He got married Dec 1st to someone he had been dating about a month. He was still calling and leaving me messages and emails right up to and after he got married. Recently she left him. She texted me because she saw some emails he had sent me when they had been recently split up. She asked me some questions. I told her that I did not want to be involved because he would come after me. He uses triangulation technique and I know the best would to not be involved. I exchanged a few texts with her. She mentioned that he was a narcissist. She also commented that she wondered why his other ex-wife and I stayed so long. I was surprised. She knew what took me years to figure out!!!! I’ve been thinking about that text exchange. I wondered how he drew her in and how she figured it all out. I wonder if she realized he’s been reaching out to me and probably others while they were newly married. She said he was “using his guilty conscience to destroy her.”

    His other ex-wife thinks he is bi-polar but this woman said he was a narcissist. Based on what I’ve read, he is a narcissist / sociopath, but I still struggle with the knowledge that there are really people like this in the world. It is still so hard to believe for me.

    It’s been a month since that text exchange with his ex. I want to reach out to her. I am curious what happened. Is it similar to what happened to me? Did he love bomb her? Did she believe it? Did she know he was communicating with others? Why was she checking his phone so early on? How did she figure out he was a narcissist? What led her to leave?

    For all I know maybe they are back together, which is ok with me. Would this just contribute to his triangulation? Would this under mind my progress and no contact?

    Would this help her? I believe he counts on us not talking to one another. I think he makes things up about each of us to keep us from talking to one another.

    What do you think?

  • #46329



    Please take this in the spirit I intend. You NEED to stop listening to ALL voicemails, delete ALL texts, Pins, etc. You NEED to stop engaging with him, his life, his wives, ALL of it. It doesn’t matter who thinks he is bi-polar or a narcissist.

    What he is isn’t changed by what anyone thinks about him.

    You won’t get your life back until he is TOTALLY behind you.

    Your questions about helping her are really just a symptom of you (still) being caught up in his life. She sounds like she knows what she is dealing with, and she will get out of the chaos when she decides to, when she has had enough, or when he dumps her. She is responsible for herself.

    You are responsible for you. Please take care of YOU.

  • #46337

    Donna Andersen

    jaybird – Slimone is right – you need to keep him out of your life. I understand he has been creative about reaching out to you, so the instant you realize it’s him, dump the email, text, pin, etc.

    However, I have a slightly different take on communicating with the ex. I have heard from many people that it was very helpful to talk to other victims of the same person. I know that I became very good friends with my sociopathic husband’s mistress, and we worked together to get our money back from him.

    So it may be supportive to communicate with his recent ex. You would need to monitor what happens. If you find that it helps your healing, then ok. If you find that it drags you down, then you stop.

    It’s possible that she figured out what he was faster than you did simply because there is much more discussion about sociopaths and narcissists now than there was 8 or 9 years ago. People have more awareness. Hopefully they use it to spot the predators.

  • #46338


    Thank you both for your thoughts. As I was typing my first post, I was realizing my own answer and what I thought people would reply. I know that I need to work harder at no contact. Any thought or thing I say about him is breaking no contact and is letting him have some control in my life.

    I know by experience how much better I feel when there is no contact for a period of time. I don’t contact him but as soon as he tries to reach out, even if I don’t listen to voicemails or respond, I feel anxiety and am looking over my shoulder, like I am afraid he is going to catch me doing something or he is going to punish me in some way.

    I don’t know if I will reach out to his ex or not at this point.

  • #46339


    slim is right.

  • #46341


    Hi Jaybird, sending you huge hugs!! 💜💜🌺💜

    I’m with Donna about talking to this ex. It will give you some closure, but, most importantly you see that the Lovebombing, things & words he used with you are almost mimicked with her. This is what sociopaths do…if their conning worked with one target, they will do the same con game with the next. This will gives you a great insight into his mindset & con game.

    When I first left my ex h, found out he was a sociopath from a astute counselor, I went to my local abuse center for counseling at the same time & also their free women group sessions. The Women group meetings were eye opening for me & I think for everyone there also. There were about 40 other abused women in the group. 80% had a very similar story to mine.

    It was shocking. I knew in my marriage I was being abused emotional, mentally, verbally & sometimes physical but when you are in the tornado their behavior is your new “normal”. So it’s difficult to see that you are being abused clearly. But, at this meeting I could see these other woman were being abused. And this was a huge eye opening. I could see they were being abused but had confusion about me being abused I think talking with your ex’s ex gf would be very eye opening for you & give you clearity. And this might just be the moment that you slam the door on your ex for good.

    Just be kind to yourself during this process & also to his ex gf. She is also a victim. So treat her as such and dont get upset with her. Keep the focus on him and his horrible con game & abuse.

    Please also know that ALL sociopaths are narcissist, but not all narcissist are sociopath. So if this guy is a Sociopath, he is also a narcissist. I have also read that these types have not one personality disorder but several. SO the person who thinks he is bi-polor is probably right also. He could be a Sociopath narcissist with bi-polor traits etc.

    Either way he is a guy you want to SLAM the door shut on ASAP & follow the No contact rule fully. If you want to look at Pinterest or any other social media think about opening a fake email then a fake say Pinterest account etc. Delete all your email accounts and only give your email address to trusted family & friends.

    With regards to talking with this other victim. You BOTH need to be very vigilant about this guy as he could become violent with both of you. SO you both should set ground rules such as NOT telling him that you are talking with each other. This way you both are protected.

    Wishing you all the best!! 💜🌺🌺

    • #46350


      No contact is the way.

  • #46344


    I recently had a conversation with my spat live in girlfriend.. I felt that by speatalking to her i would have gotten answers that I needed to get and it would validate that I was not crazy. She did provide answers that validated my story..She told me that my email took her back 20 years. She had the similar to me…the lies…loss of money etc…but she stayed as they had a child together.However I now feel worse because she is now devasted by what I told her..Even though she had a similar experience she didnt conclude that he was a sociopath..but having talked to me she is now able to label the behavior and I guess it is a frightening thing in and of itself…

  • #46425


    I know talking and still to my sociopath’s ex has apparently helped both of us. She tells me she is grateful for my insight and I hers. I think as others have mentioned it depends on the person and is she genuine in her interactions with you.
    I share what research I have done with her and she comments and shares back what is going on. It has been eye opening the behaviors and even some of the wording exactly the same from him! Following an internal dysfunctional script that doesn’t matter the woman. The value I have in that is it was not me, it was never me, and who I am is way better than who he will ever be.

  • #46466


    I did reach out. I sent a single text,

    “I hope u r ok. He is screwed up. There are many resources available about being involved with a narcissist, online and books.”

    I thought if she wanted to respond, she would. I wasn’t going to push it. The more I thought about it, I think he would find some way to use our communicating against one or both of us.

    When I thought about communicating her, I could feel the anxiety build inside me. I thought it would help me but I don’t know if its right for me at this point. I guess that’s why I posted the question here for your input.

    He texted me recently from someone else’s phone, pretending to be that other person. I eventually figured out it was him but the deception was really upsetting to me. He also continues to call and leave messages. I don’t listen to them. It is just mind games.

  • #46695



    Yesterday I texted another number I had for the narc’s ex and she responded. The narc destroyed her other phone in a rage. She got a new one with the different number.

    We texted back and forth for hours. She was thankful that I reached out to her. She said it helped to communicate with someone who knows the narc’s evilness. I understand that. It helped me too. I got the validation. It was not me. He did the same with her. Some really crazy stuff!

    For myself, I noticed that my body and mind reacted when I was talking with her. My face became flushed and I felt extremely anxious. I wondered if talking with her was helping or hurting. Time will tell.

  • #46696


    I’m glad you were both able to get some validation. I know some recommend not contacting any of the sociopath’s former victims, because it might just exacerbate the suffering, but I found that talking to my ex’s past girlfriend really helped me. She confirmed that I WASN’T crazy, and that he was actually the terrible, disturbed person I thought he was. When someone brainwashes you, it can be hard to listen to your own intuition, because they’re constantly trying to convince you not to trust yourself. Sometimes we NEED outside confirmation of what we know to be true.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  marinapearl. Reason: Apparently can’t spell exacerbate!

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