I was SO brainwashed: found an old journal entry. Why was i okay with this BS?

How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other exploiters Forums Lovefraud Community Forum – General I was SO brainwashed: found an old journal entry. Why was i okay with this BS?

This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  donatella 5 days, 11 hours ago.

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  • #40797


    Hi, I am still unpacking my office since leaving my spath about 3 mos ago and came across all my journals which I have written and saved for the past 10 years or so. And yes, Bill (not his real name) did read all of them and wrote mean comments in the margins, leaving them for me to find the next time I wrote an entry. And he gained plenty of insight into my life and weaknesses oh boy… Anyway Bill and I got together in Feb of 2015 and by late summer the mask had slipped and I thought I was going crazy (gas lighting) and also had depression. So I bought a gratitude journal, the first entry is to write about 3 beautiful events from your day, and this is dated mid Nov of 2015. FYI, Bill always thought I was cheating on him (never did) and I was not allowed to ask when he was coming home from work each day because he said that was how I knew when to get rid of the guy I had over. So freaking ridiculous I don’t even know where to state with that. Of course he complained dinner wasn’t ready when he got home, how could I have it ready if I don’t know when he will be home and can’t ask? His response was usually twisted to say I would have the time if I wasn’t cheating. Circular reasoning. Really I couldn’t ask him because he was cheating and didn’t know when he would be done. It took me a little while to learn that everything he projected on me were things he was doing. And when I did go back to work he said I must be having an affair over my lunch hour because I don’t call him to talk. What??? But anyway back to the journal entry here it is word for word and I cannot believe all of this was my normal life. “It is Sunday night around 12:30 am, I guess technically early Mon morning. These three things will be from Sunday. Bill (not his real name) and I slept late as usual. The first beautiful thing was when Bill apologized for the night before (after first asking if I was still mad at him). Then he made me breakfast and brought it to me in bed. The argument the night before was stupid, he starts in on me while we are having sex and says I have not been as tight lately. I even cringe writing this down on paper since the topic is crude and the assumptions even worse. He got so mad and asked who I had been hanging out with, did I have company over that day is how he phrased it. I got upset of course but he let me know he couldn’t keep himself hard because I wasn’t tight as I normally am and also because he has ADD and I don’t know what it is like to have all these thoughts swirling around and he couldn’t concentrate. I tried reminding him we had been having sex every day that week and that was probably why but he said something else was off and that was not it. First time a guy has ever told me its my fault he can’t get hard and definitely never been told the other, so I was upset all night. But his actions this morning made me feel better and so that was a beautiful way to start the day.”
    What? I am reading this and want to vomit. His fake apology and food he brought me was an ulterior motive, he always said he liked his girls thick and loved that I had a little extra weight on me and said he loved a girl who finished her plate…then down the road when I have gained more than I am comfortable with and clearly don’t look or feel good in my own skin he begins checking out slender girls in front of me, etc). And the apology is because he never had any money and borrowed from me until I literally have nothing left and am filing bankruptcy. So he didn’t want me mad at him and clearly I thought it was a beautiful thing that such a horrible topic was “resolved”. I cam tell by my tone that I really did want to believe it. Oh and later I found out he was using drugs which explained the ED problems along with a porn addiction…but anyway, I want to see if any of you all were as naive as me? I am a strong woman I would never put up with such a thing but I did and worse for two years! Why??

  • #40804


    Hi 90daysgone,

    Yep, apart some of the situations & topics being different, but in no way any less vomit enducing! I was just as naive, I put up with his BS for 19 year. That in itself is embarrassing because over that time span I had actually gotten free of the AH at least 8 times, & out of those times there were 2 that I was actually happy & I was feeling good about myself, my life & my future, I didn’t need him. It was precisely those times when he went all out to get me back.

    I have over 10 years worth of journals, and I’m the same. I’ve read them in total disbelief that I allowed myself to be treated the way I was. That I was soooooo happy & grateful for being thrown scraps. Embarrassed that I apologised for things he did to me!!

    Yep as intelligent & strong as I was, and am, I was naive. I was conditioned & I was totally addicted.

    I’m so glad you’re out. You are strong. So stay free, strong, in control & safe.

  • #40850


    So familiar! Mine sent me one of my own mails to him, dating back to 2012, amidst a barrage of threatening, raging and insulting emails and texts (I’ve gone No Contact and it’s driving him crazy). I had totally forgotten about it, but it showed so clearly and indubitably how he had gaslighted and brainwashed me into thinking I was the one at fault…I declared myself guilty as charged, and promised to do everything under the sun to give him the attention he claimed..I grovelled, humbled myself signing off.
    His message today, accompanying it: ‘back then you were honest, before all this methylfenidate destruction and your fucking church!’

    Tomorrow or the day after he’s going to receive a letter from my lawyer, announcing the divorce. He’s still in denial, even after almost two weeks have passed since he terrorized me out of our house. Wonder what his response will be. Anyway, hopefully it will be ‘exit narcissist’ from my house, and although that will take longer, out of my head.

    Courage and love, Donatella

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