How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › I'm Not Sure and I Feel Crazy
February 24, 2017 at 11:00 am #39538sem0319Participant
I am involved with a man that I am starting to think is a sociopath. This has made me feel crazy and react equally as crazy. We started as an affair 14 years ago. We have never lost touch, sometimes engaging and sometimes just as friends, and sometimes no contact at all. I have married someone else had a child and divorced since our affair started. I finally, in 2015, had gotten stable and started a relationship that was normal. The affair partner was still in my heart and I had a dream of being with him still. He finally came to me when I was cutting it off and proclaimed his love and want to fight for me. He left his home and divorced in summer of 2016. Since then everything has fallen apart in our relationship. We have gone round and round. He has blamed me, lied to me, cheated on me, made me feel everything is my fault and I am the subject of all hurt in his life. I have read and read about sociopaths, manipulative narcissists, psychopaths … he fits so many of the characteristics. In turn, I feel I fit the characteristics myself. I want the opportunity to work on the relationship and I can’t seem to find the strength to let it go. I am lost and weak. He is now using that weakness as excuse to end it. I can’t accept it. I still want him and I feel so awful. I don’t know if I should stay or go. I don’t know that I am strong enough at this point to let go. I need so much help.
May 13, 2017 at 11:55 am #40755littleredrhParticipant
I am not an expert, and I’m sure you came to this site looking for expert advice. What I can recommend is that whether or not one or both of you are disordered in some way, it would be wise for you to seek professional help from a therapist that specializes in Personality Disorders. If you have a regular medical doctor that you trust & feel confident in, they might be able to recommend a good therapist as well.
However, be careful of thinking you or he are in fact a psychopath. Many healthy people have manipulative aspects in their character – manipulation is often rewarded behavior in society at large. For example, if the man left his family and now your relationship is not working out, it is natural that he would blame you for not providing the security he expected when he made that decision. It’s not fair or correct that he does that, but it’s rational that he would be unhappy with you nonetheless. If you applied for a job and promised to be a great employee but your boss decided your work wasn’t up to the company standards, sure it was their mistake in predicting your performance but they would not be a “psychopath” for criticizing you.
That said, if something is hurting you, let it go & find your center. Don’t be in love with the happiness he makes you feel. Be in love with the happiness you make yourself feel, and then find people that fit into that life and make it even more happy. Good luck & God bless.
May 13, 2017 at 1:18 pm #40758
Semo0319, first let me say you are NOT crazy!! You have been pushed over your emotional edge by a extremely manipulative con man who is most likely a sociopath. He has pushed your buttons so many times by most likely gas lighting you, abuse, pathological lying, blame shifting, etc that you feel crazy.
Sadly this is a normal response from a normal person being abused my a sociopath.
THIS IS A RED FLAG THAT YOU ARE WITH A SOCIOPATH!!
Feeling crazy is how most, if not all victims of a sociopath feel when they are with a sociopath!!
With time you WILL move back to your old self once you expose the No contact rule and have time for your body to calm down from the chaos & stress you have been living under for a very long time.
The fact that you were in a relationship with a “normal” after gives me the impression you are NOT a sociopath. Please keep in mind that it is very common for a victims of a sociopath abuser to pick up sociopathic traits to avoid being abused by the sociopath…but with time away from the abuser you will move towards your old self.
Right now you are in Survival mode & your mind will do anytime to avoid emotional, mental, verbal & physical abuse at the hands of the sociopath. Feeling like you are like a sociopath once you start to educate yourself is very common but does NOT make you a sociopath!!!!!
It’s scary one you start to educate yourself about sociopath behavior! Your emotional are all over the place as you start to see the truth about your relationship. These emotions are soo sooo scary to feel. You will go thru all of the “grieving stage” emotions just like a death in your family. Feel the emotions dont push them down.
When you feel anger let it out (obviously not at anyone), when you feel like sobbing, sob, when you feel helpless reach out to Lovefraud & vent and also reach out to your countries National domestic abuse hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) to talk with a free counselor & to get your local abuse center numbers. Also ask them for a “Safety Plan” & “Exit Plan” out of this abusive relationship you are in.
Is he a sociopath?
IT DOES NOT MATTER RIGHT NOW IF YOU CAN DETERMINE THIS OR NOT….
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THE FACT YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!!
Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is NOT physical…but rather emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse!!
Do you realize you are in a abusive relationship??
Do you know that Blame shifting is emotional & mental abuse?
Do you know that if someome makes you feel like it’s always your fault, it’s emotional & mental abuse?
Do you know that cheating is emotional & mental abuse?
What you are describing in your post does lead to believe that YES you are dating a sociopath!
Know that you are not crazy, you are dating a crazy persons who is intentionally pushing you over your emotional edge to control you & have power over you.
You must break your mind free from his mental control. View him as a CULT LEADER & you as his CULT FOLLOWER.
Do a search on Lovefraud and the net for the following:
Gas lighting abuse
Sociopath no contact rule
Narcissist no contact rule
On the Lovefraud home page…Donna Anderson site creator has put a three step on what to do including finding a good counselor who understand sociopath abuse (not all counselors are knowledgable in this area!!)
Also Donna anderson has a consultation program for a small fee. I have not used this service but many people have and are thankful that they gave her a call to sort everything out.
Glad you had the courage to reach out for help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE HEAR YOU!!
look into adrenal fatigue for the stress you have been under. It is big part of being in a abusive relationship and part of the reason why you cant let go.
FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE WITH HIM. Its hard you are breaking an addiction to him which he created to control you.
Read Donna’s book (see up at the top love fraud book store) called Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. Also watch the videos up at the top too.
Hugs to you.
May 13, 2017 at 1:19 pm #40759
littleredrd, where you ever in a relationship with a sociopath??
May 13, 2017 at 1:24 pm #40760
sem0319, google & do a search here at love fraud on “sociopath make you feel crazy”. Found this article on the net.
“…But when they no longer need anything from you, that’s when the crazy-making behavior begins. Here are some common phrases you’ll hear from a psychopath who’s trying to make you doubt your sanity:
1. “You over-analyze everything.”
Of course there are people who DO read too much into situations. The difference with psychopaths is that you’ll always discover you were correct in retrospect. They intentionally do things to make you feel on-edge or paranoid, like flirt with a once-denounced ex over social media for the whole world to see. When you question them, they accuse you of over-analyzing the situation. But then a month later, you discover they were actually cheating with that person. Psychopaths want you to doubt your intuition by making you feel like a crazy detective, constantly planting hints to make you feel anxious and then blaming you for having that anxiety.
2. “I hate drama.”
And yet, you’ll soon come to discover there’s more drama surrounding them than anyone you’ve ever known. Psychopaths will first idealize you above everyone else, praising you for your perfect easy-going nature. But because they are perpetually bored, this never lasts long. They are pathological liars, serial cheaters, and eternal victims. Before long, these qualities inevitably start to surface and cause you overwhelming confusion. Any time you mention your concerns or frustration, they’ll declare their hatred of drama and make you feel bad for reacting to their horrible behavior (instead of addressing the behavior itself).
3. “You’re so sensitive.”
Psychopaths manufacture emotions in others—it’s what they do. After once showering you with 24/7 praise and flattery, they’ll ignore you for days on end and wait for you to react. When you finally do, they’ll accuse you of being sensitive or needy. They’ll insult, belittle, and criticize you (usually in a teasing/joking demeanor), pushing your boundaries until you finally speak up. Then they use your manufactured reactions to make you seem crazy. Within weeks, psychopaths can turn an exceptionally easy-going person into an unrecognizable mess of insecurities and self-doubt.
4. “You misunderstood me.”
Sure, healthy couples have misunderstandings and miscommunications all the time. But with psychopaths, they’ll intentionally say things they know will provoke you. Then when you react, they’ll turn it around on you and blame you for misunderstanding. Oftentimes, they’ll even deny that they ever said it. This is called gaslighting—blatantly doing or saying something, and then blaming you for misinterpreting it (or denying that it even took place). The fact is, you understood what they said perfectly fine. They’re just trying to make you doubt your sanity.
5. “You’re crazy / bipolar / jealous / bitter / in love with me.”
The name-calling usually starts when things are going downhill fast. According to a psychopath, all of their ex lovers, colleagues, and friends are crazy, bipolar, jealous, bitter, or in love with them. This becomes very confusing when they start reaching out to those very same people they once denounced to you, using them to triangulate and cause chaos (making the psychopath appear in high-demand at all times). Then they toss you in that very same “crazy” bucket, continuing their never-ending cycle of idealizing and devaluing anyone unfortunate enough to cross their path.
The only way out is to go No Contact. This means no texts, calls, emails, or even Facebook friendships. Otherwise you can be guaranteed that they’ll do anything and everything in their power to make you feel crazy. The good news is, when a psychopath tries to make you doubt your intuition, it means your intuition was causing them trouble. Psychopaths seek to psychologically destroy anyone who might threaten their illusion of normalcy to the world. So when they begin playing mind games with you, it’s actually a strange indirect tribute to your ability to notice that something was “off” about them.”
May 13, 2017 at 1:36 pm #40761StargazerParticipant
Dear sem0319, reading your description about his blaming you for everything, cheating, etc., could be a sociopath or just extremely immature to a point where he does not know how to communicate, or somewhere in between. I will respond from the point of view of simply an older woman who has been around the block a few times with love and affairs. Sometimes the person you have a great affair with is not marriage material, whether they are disordered or not. If you are looking for someone stable you can make a life with, sounds like this is not your guy. Even if he had great reasons for his behaviors (which is hard to imagine), he is bringing you pain and chaos. A healthy relationship should not be like this. If only it were so easy to walk away. If only that magnetic attraction that tells you this is your soulmate would go away, right? It doesn’t work that way. It takes a great deal of strength to walk away from an unhealthy situation like this. But this is exactly what you need to do. It’s very painful. I guarantee that whatever happens after that will be better for you because your head will be clearer and your emotions more detached. This might be an opportunity to heal some of your old patterns and break any relationship addiction you might have. Sometimes the greatest lessons come in times of deepest pain.
May 14, 2017 at 12:06 am #40763RedwaldParticipant
Jeez, what happened? How come NOBODY responded to this poor lady for nearly THREE MONTHS? I seriously wonder if sem0319 is around any more to read the answers. She may have given up long ago…
May 14, 2017 at 4:08 am #40764someguyParticipant
I’m just commenting to say that you should look at littleredrh’s profile before taking his/her opinions seriously. I’ve been reading these forums for a few months and I was disgusted enough with his posts to sign up for this reason alone. People dealing with sociopaths are under enough pressure to turn their heads the other way and what he’s doing here isn’t helping.
May 15, 2017 at 7:22 pm #40775SunnygalParticipant
I agree with Stargazer.
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