How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › I'm on Day 1 of No Contact – struggling..
September 24, 2018 at 12:30 pm #47072
I’m new to this community. In January of this year I left my husband (who I had been with for 8 years, only married to for 6 months at the time) for a man I met and believed was my soulmate, but who over the course of the next 8-9 months has turned out to be the worst nightmare I’ve ever had.
I read Zari Ballard’s book – when love is a lie, and so much of it struck a chord with me, and it’s also where she mentions this website as being incredibly key to her recovery.
I met this man at work, and at first tried to ignore how he looked at me and how it made me feel. I had been going through a difficult time with my husband and this seemed to come at just the right point. He said all the rights things, made me feel like the most loved, special, unbelievably valuable, smart and beautiful person he had ever come across. When we met, he had a girlfriend (he’d been with about a year he tells me) who he lived with. I know – I should’ve known that any man willing to cheat/pursue me while with someone is not good news. I was blinded. I thought he was “the one”, I had never felt anything like it in my life, and I thought this had to be it – how else could I explain the extraordinary chemistry that made me feel so drawn to this man, and so comfortable? I wanted kids with him, a life with him, everything he promised me. In the first month we spent a lot of time together – pretty much every day at work, after work, in the morning, we both seemed to not be able to get enough of each other. And of course, the sex was incredible. Another first for me.
But soon it started to deteriorate, and it became my worst nightmare.As soon as I’d split up properly with my husband, he seemed to lose interest. The day my husband moved out of our shared flat, something my Narcissist had been wanting for for some weeks (although I did do all of this extremely quickly) he went awol on me and told me he needed space that day, that he hated me that day and that he was pissed off I had even let him stay that long, and at one point let him move back in for 2 weeks after an arrangement with a friend didn’t work out and he had to come back before he could more permanently move out. He has held that against me ever since, even though I wanted to move in with HIM in that time – he has acknowledged that couldve been a solution, but he also didn’t want me there at the time. So he openly admits he could’ve avoided the hurt he now holds against me.
Someone we both know and is quite close with him has today confirmed to me that he knows there was at least one night where he was asked to cover for him and say that he was out longer than he actually was, several hours during which he was given an Alibi so that i would never know he wasn’t with that person. I feel sick to my stomach, but I am also glad I’ve had confirmation that I wasn’t crazy everytime he went awol for a night and I wondered where he’d been.
Today I told him I knew he was a liar, and I wanted him out of my life I am done forever and its the first time I truly mean it… but I still feel deeply hurt, and I know this journey now won’t be easy, so I guess i’m hoping being able to vent/speak to people on this community will help keep me sane and strong somehow…
September 24, 2018 at 7:21 pm #47074
Virgii – I am so sorry for your experience. What you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. It sounds like the guy was playing with your heart just to entertain himself — I think they are among the worst kind of sociopaths.
Yes it is painful. You have every right to feel betrayed, angry and grieving. Please keep reading Lovefraud – we have plenty of information that will help you.
Maintain No Contact. Do not contact the guy for any reason – and if he tries to contact you, do not allow him to. No Contact is the path to hearing.
September 25, 2018 at 7:32 am #47083
Hi Virgil. I am also sorry for your experience with this parasite. That’s exactly what he is . I’m also very new to this site, and also just started ‘no contact’ with ‘my’ ex parasite. We were engaged, went to get the marriage license and everything. He freaked out after that, and literally started to go crazy. He was not a good person. I know it’s hard to continue the no contact. We have to, though, because we know it isn’t right with these people, any type of relationship. They bleed you dry. They take all you have to give, with no remorse. Who needs that? Not US!! No one deserves that kind of treatment. NO one. I stand with you and support you in your time of devastation. It’s hard. You believed his lies, his unreal plans for the future, his ‘oh, I love you so much, you’re everything to me’ bullsh*t. Get over it, losers, you don’t deserve us, the ones with empathy and real caring to give. We are so LUCKY to be out of these situations! Don’t you agree? We could have been stuck in it so much longer. We are now safe to be free and happy. To live a life of goodness and reality. Not some sicko, hallow, unreal existence. Let’s say goodbye to these parasites. They don’t deserve what we have to offer. ! Much love. REAL love. Carry on, win the good fight. Kristinan32
September 25, 2018 at 8:51 am #47085
I’m so sorry for your experience. It really has been the most painful thing I’ve been through in my life, and I imagine it’s probably up there for you as well. You fall in love with the mask…and then when they remove the mask it’s devastating.
It’s now been 1 month since I started no contact (3 months since the breakup), but I truly have to take it 1 day at a time sometimes. Especially at first – I felt the impulse to reach out to her constantly. But it is a little better now. Some days are very hard but I also have some good days now too.
I’ve also been seeing a therapist and recently begin taking the supplement Sam-E for my depression. I knew if I didn’t get help it would spiral out of control. All that to say – if you need to get help, there is no shame in that. I also found kickboxing to be helpful in dealing with my anger over the situation.
Sending you healing thoughts today. 🙂
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by allison123.
September 26, 2018 at 12:01 am #47103
it’s been a rollercoaster day for me. I’m so glad you have reset the No Contact. I have only a few days. I really am going through hell right now. I feel the most alone I’ve ever felt. A year ago, my elderly father (I took care of him for years) went into a home, my 2nd narcissist died (no offense , prob for the best) and my daughter moved out to her bfs. I thought I had found the ‘ love of my life’ with this last one. We were going to get married on the 27th (even though I’m thankful we didn’t) and I feel like I’m going down a big hill. I don’t have a big support system. My 20 yr old daughter texted me and said ‘please don’t die’. I don’t have plans to die, I just feel like I am dying. I know I have to get up and take steps to recover. I was gung ho earlier. Now back in the dumps. I’m dreading the night, trying to sleep, only to get awakened by a nightmare. I wish I didn’t ever contact this loser in the first place.
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kristinan32.
September 26, 2018 at 3:13 am #47108
@kristinan32 I’m so sorry you are going through this. There really is nobody on this earth that deserves it. I hope you find this community as supportive as I am finding it? I have a good support system of friends and family but in reality, what people on here are saying to me is far more meaningful at the moment because friends/family have not felt what we have felt, and there is a bit of a tendency to trivialise and distract when really I feel like what I’m trying to do and want to do is deal with the pain, acknowledge wha thas happened, and then move on from that trauma in a way that means it won’t come back to bite me – because it’s been dealt with.. so I hope you continue to speak to us the way I am trying to speak on here, and we can all help each other put ourselves back together after these monsters tried (!!) to destroy us, because we know they failed.
I understand how you feel about the nights. I felt that way until not that long ago. Now, I remind myself of the anxiety I felt every night i had plans with him and worried he might cancel or try and keep me out in bars so he could get drunk (he is definitely an alc..).. I remember the nights rolling over in bed crying because he’s said something hurtful and him turning his back on me and falling asleep without a second thought.. I remember feeling ever so lonely lying in a bed next to him.. I remember him then deciding to come and cuddle me, and me not being able to enjoy it or relax because although I was SO relieved about the litle breadcrumb of affection he was throwing my way, I knew it wouldn’t last, and I was already waiting, anxiety rising, for the next thing he would say or do to make sure I knew I was expendable… honestly – the nights are hard. Our brain chemicals play tricks on us when the sun sets. But try and do what I am doing, and remember every night of MISERY and crying and shouting you have probably had, like the rest of us… and feel relieved that in your own silence, in your own comfort, you are whole. You have survived the worst there is, and there is a lot better out there, and if you just read a book.. relax, close your eyes… tomorrow will come. And then again and again until eventually all this will feel like a distant memory. It’s what I remind myself of when I feel panic rising. No need to panic. What’s the worst that can happen in the night? Nothing 🙂 Noone to abuse you. Nobody to call you names. Nobody to gaslight you. No questions of fidelity. Nothing. Just silence, sweet lovely sleeping silence until the next love (and hopefully a good one) eventually walks into your life and makes those nights feel even fuller.
Please be hopeful. Don’t feel like you’re dying – it’s quite the opposite isn’t it? We were dying in those relationships. Now we’re being set free, standing outside our cages, going… how do I fly again..!? I honestly feel so hopeful reading people’s storys on here.. I hope you find that same hope. I am always here if you want to chat.
September 26, 2018 at 10:44 pm #47122
@virgil thank you so much for your kind email. I am really having a tough time. I thought I’d be stronger than this. I hope you’re doing okay!! I’m happy, too, to have people like you on here that are friends and relate to all of this. We do need to stick together, because ur right, no one understands who hasn’t been through it. Not friends and family, unless they’ve been there. And we sure have. I hope your no contact is going well. Mine is going still, just obviously hard. You’re right, we were dying in the relationships, and now we are free to live life. I just wish I knew how! I will stick to this site and let it help me. I’m glad you got away from that guy, he sounds sooo familiar! Like most guys on here. Just pathetic! Thank you so much for being a friend. Kristinan32
September 25, 2018 at 4:19 pm #47090
Virgil, ??CONGRAULATIONS ON GOING NO CONTACT!!!??
This is HUGE hon. ? Pat yourself on the back for making this important first step to a calm & peaceful life again!!
Choosing to go no contact is not easy place to get to. But, with time you will realize that it is the greatest gift you have ever given yourself.
Keep venting & reading here at Lovefraud.
Zari Ballard was correct when she stated: “this website (Lovefraud) as being incredibly key to her recovery.”…I think everyone that comes to Lovefraud would agree.
Sending you huge hugs hon. ???Take it one day at a time, some days just one minute at a time or one second at a time. Be kind to yourself during this process of healing. Remember you just survived a sociopath…you are stronger then you realize for doing this feat.
??CONGRATULATIONS again for imposing the No contact rule!! ??
(ps look into Adrenal fatigue…get your health back in order from all the stress you have been under…see sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue.org and just google Adrenal fatigue symptoms part of PTSD (I believe)
September 25, 2018 at 7:22 pm #47097
Ahh the support on here is incredible..
I am currently beating myself up because I broke no contact tonight.. I did really well all day, barely worried about it and then at 10pm tonight the niggling monster in the back of my mind told me .. just ..just call him. Your last conversation was so horrible and nasty… you cold just call him to make peace and go out on a less angry note. … so I did. And it was awful. He was mean, he was nasty, he realised he’d regained control somewhat, and was just awful to me. He’s currently texting me implying he’s met ‘his one’… “I hope you find your one too.x” to which I’ve of course replied asking if he’s trying to tell me he’s found his ‘one’.. and he’s said “Yes. All over her.” followed by three hearts. I know he’s trying to portray it as sarcastic, but it’s actually probably true.. and although it shouldn’t, that does stil devastate me, and I know he knows that.
I now feel gutted that I lost what felt even the smallest bit like the upper hand when I rang him to end it yesterday… and I know I should be kind to myself, because I knew this would be hard and I might break a few times – but jesus a day? I wish I hadn’t done it. He’s shouted at me down the phone all sorts of horrific nastiness… telling me everyone at work (he used to work there) hates me, thinks i”m a loser.. thinks i am not trustworthy.. i don’t think I believe him, but it niggles away at you, those things.. I know he just desperately wants to know and is getting so so so angry I won’t tell him which of his ‘friends’ at work told me about his lies… but I will never tell him. He’s accused me of making it up, lest I tell him… I am proud I didn’t break, but I am so gutted I gave in and spoke to him and engaged in it all night long, texting me horrid things and me responding maturely and civilly hoping against hope for a civil response… that I knew wouldnt come.
Thank you all for your incredibly supportive messages, it gives me so much hope to know other people have done this and come out of the other end happier and I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I hope I make it there…
@kristinan32 – I imagine you’re feeling many of the same emotions I am feeling now. I hope I can support you the way your message is supportive! None of my friends have ever been in a similar situation, so they don’t really understand and often just say ‘well he’s a prick, yu’re better off I don’t know why you give him any of your energy” and neither do I, at an intellectual level, but I have now read enough about narcissists to understand that this isn’t about whether I’m in control of my intellectual understanding of the situation… its emotional. And incredibly difficult to handle. So if you’d ever like to chat, I am here – and congratulations to you for going no contact. I really hope tomorrow I can re-set to Day 1 and keep going strong.
@allison123 – it *honestly* fills me with such unbelievable hope that you are on month 1 of no contact. After the above, I just feel determined to get to 1 month without contact from tomorrow. I want to go to sleep forgiving myself for having called him and engaged with him again, knowing full well the outcome would be bad. It is so hard. I gave him a chance to say such horrible things to me again and to feel like the big powerful man he liked to feel when he hung up on me, or didn’t answer/rejected my calls as he did tonight after the first call when he hung up and I tried ringing back. I am so disappointed inmyself for playing his dumb games… any coping strategy tips you can give me on how to resist the urge? I am desperate to not feel this way again..
@jan7 – thank you – although I let myself down today 🙁 I still try and remember that it was a big step to tell him I wanted it to be over (I had never been the one to break up, it was *always* him) so I feel proud for having reached that milestone at least, even if I fell off the NC wagon today, I know I am still determined to go on, and I have no desire to have him back.
I just feel so desperately sad and upset all the time.Any coping tips for maintaining NC and feeling better that anyone has… please shoot them my way. Survival stories… warnings for how I will be feeling… please hit me with it. I want to be prepared.
September 25, 2018 at 9:50 pm #47101
Try not to beat yourself up too much. Like I said, I’m on 1 mo of no contact, but we broke up 3 months ago…That means after breaking up we continued to contact each other every couple of weeks until I finally found it in me to stop reaching out.
After a month and a half, she asked to meet up to “end on a better note”. I agreed, and I ended up regretting it so much. She seemed happy & like nothing was bothering her while I was still devastated. But in the end, all you can do is let go of the fact that you broke no contact, and try again tomorrow. It helps to take it 1 hour at a time, then one day at a time, and so on.
Also, I have a list of specific instances where she was really cruel to me, and whenever I start to miss the good times, I look at my list and remember it’s not worth it.
Just know that you’re not alone in your experience. It really is like breaking an addiction because of the extreme highs and lows. Hang in there. This website really does help validate your experience. <3
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by allison123.
September 26, 2018 at 2:59 am #47105
It was the desire to end it on better terms that drove me to be so stupid as to pick up the phone. I wasn’t even too fussed anymore about getting closure – he’d shown me exactly who he is, and a colleague that was very close to him had had the kindness to take me aside and tell me I wasn’t crazy for thinking he had lied to me, and shared with me a time he knew he had done it so my mind could focus on something concrete for once. So I knew, I knew who he was. If I’m being honest about my motivations last night, I had acknowledged to myself it would probably end worse than before, and I’d leave him thnking he still had SOME power if I am picking up the phone to him.. but I mistakenly thought that there was some healing in telling him I forgive him. I also in my heart of hearts was curious as to whether he’d pick up, or whether he was already with someone and would therefore be unable/refuse to …. I knew better, and I did it anyway, and just knowing that I didn’t listen to what I already knew makes me feel better, because it feels like i”m not starting from scratch, in a way.
He told me last night he was going to block me, and I sure hope he does. I have blocked him this morning on all my devices, and set up an email filter in case he tries to email me instead. There is in theory no way for him to get in touch with me now, so I will no longer be looking at my phone anxious as to whether he might text me and try and engage me at all, or jsut say something nasty.
I’m back on Day 1, but I woke up feeling differently today. I am determined to remind myself of the horror that he is, and stick with what I know to be true – as you have said – he is evil, he cannot change, he will just want to hurt me more no matter what, and by allowing it I am dancing with the devil. I am determined to not allow him to have any power over my life.
I left my wonderful husband to be with this man. My husband, I know, would love to try and work things out. He is the most wonderful, kind, patient man I’ve ever met and doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. I was enthralled by the charm, the feeling of excitement, the promises of the narcissist. I was lured into a false sense ot happiness and security that made me leave what I thought was a good relationship, that I was happy in, but it was never this intense or this filled with excitement… I gave in to something and I do feel stupid, but I also know it isn’t my fault and I am human. But I know I am unlike a lot of people incredibly lucky to have the comparison of a love from a man that would support me and love me no matter what, and that still wants to, and I am now determined to really commit to healing from this episode in my life that I know will carry trauma for a long time but I hope to heal enough to not want to feel numb and to let my husband back in to my heart eventually because I now understand and value what real love and a real relationship of mutual support feels like- and I had it all along.
I hope the hurt and the abuse I went through with the narcissist will become a blip, an unpleasant incident that I barely remember somewhere down the line. I know he will never be happy, and that does comfort me a bit, because I know I can and will be again one day. But until then I am so so so grateful for you lot allowing me to vent and hurt and get it all out, and for giving me your perspectives …
thank you also @jan7 for those helpful tips and resources, I will be looking into those this afternoon to understand how to best help myself.
I am so proud for finally blocking him on everything and choosing to take his power away. Day 1 starts again today.
September 26, 2018 at 4:09 pm #47112
Absolutely! That’s what this community is here for. It feels 10x harder to deal with separating from a narcissist by yourself.
I’m so glad you’re feeling empowered today. Just know that grief, sadness, pain & even feeling desperate to reach out again is all normal. Try your best to let those feelings come and go without acting on them. It will be tough, but remember you are tougher and you have a community to support you.
I read a couple of books that helped me. One is called “Healing From Hidden Abuse” by Shannon Thomas and the other is called “Getting Past your Breakup” by Susan Elliot. Both helped put things in perspective for me.
September 25, 2018 at 8:36 pm #47098
Virgii, DO NOT beat yourself up hon. Breaking no contact happens to almost everyone. The important thing to take away from this last phone call with him is, HIS MASK DROPPED for you to see EXACTLY who he is = a evil sociopath!! . He just showed you his TRUE self. Open your eyes & mind to this right now!!
Write his mean words down that he told you tonight on the phone right now on in a journal/piece of paper, so that the next time you want to call him, you will be able to remind yourself that he showed you his true colors that he is mean.
Remember: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Also, write down right now how you feel. Are you angry, mad, sad, etc. This way before want to call him again, you will remind yourself it’s not worth calling him.
NOTE: YOU WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE BY TALKING WITH A SOCIOPATH!!
Your closure is finding out that he IS a SOCIOPATH!! That is your closure.
Remember a sociopath ultimately wants power & control over others. By him saying these mean things to you tonight he thinks he gained power & control over you. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAID TO YOU…sociopaths are pathological liars and will liar about EVERYTHING!! Another reason to slam the door shut by using the No contact rule. You know he is a pathological liar (google term).
TAKE YOUR POWER & CONTROL BACK FROM HIM BY IMPOSING THE NO CONTACT RULE AGAIN!!
1) do a search here on Lovefraud on “Tapping”
2) look at the Yellow box on Lovefraud “home page”
3) Get your health in order. The stress you have been under due to this evil sociopath has caused your body chemistry to be off. Look into the symptoms of adrenal fatigue (google) and look at sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. This can be healed naturally with good food, vitamins & Minerals (b complex, D, magnesium etc), plenty of rest, relaxation & sleep and possible NATURAL hormones replacement short term.
Find a good Endocrinologist doctor to test you for vitamin & mineral deficiency, cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance etc.
Google: “Super Juice Me documentary you tube” and “Sick, fat & nearly dead. cool”, and “Dr Fuhrman Eat to Live PBS you tube” to learn how food can balance your body’s chemistry and get you thinking clearly again. Your local library may have their books.
Symptoms list of Adrenal fatigue:
not able to be calm
etc etc it’s a long list so check out the symptoms lis on those sites and the net.
4) Before you call him ever again…come here to lovefraud and write everything you would want to tell him…cry it out, yell it out, get out here instead of on the phone with him. This really does help tremendously just to get it out of your mind. If you dont want to do this publicly then just get a piece of paper out (better a journey) and write out everything on your mind).
Once you get your body back in order and keep the No contact rule in place, I promise you your mind will settle and you will not want this guy back in your life EVER again. Hard to believe this right now but I promise you this day will come.
Sending you huge hugs!!???
DAY ONE (Again ?) NO CONTACT STARTS NOW!!!
September 27, 2018 at 1:01 am #47123
No Contact is with the psychopath but much contact with trusted friends.
September 27, 2018 at 12:41 pm #47129
Virgii:Speaking from one who has fallen off the wagon once too many, I had to learn the hard way the understanding of the no contact rule. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “Start where you stand.” No matter how many times we have to stand back up, it pays off in the end.
It has been two months and no contact. This has been the longest for me. Everything everyone is telling you here is so true. Each sociopath has his or her own methods of gaining control but in the end it equates to the same. They all think they are unique but they are not.
For me I wrote a list of things that I no longer needed to put up with or live with. The list was extensive and I kept it in front of me for the first few weeks. My life has become less chaotic with less drama. Keeping busy is also key to overcoming the sociopath. But the no contact rule is essential as I had to learn the hard way.
Working on yourself and not focusing too much on the past and what pain he has caused you is also key in the healing process. There is an app you can download on your phone for meditations and in the night when you have difficulty sleeping you can play them. They are soothing and let your body calm down. You can also get some online.
October 3, 2018 at 1:47 pm #47222
September 28, 2018 at 6:44 pm #47165
Virgii, your story sounds like my nightmare….I am married with small children and he targeted me at a difficult period in my marriage when I was feeling neglected and alone. The magnetism of his eyes when he looked at me was unmistakable. It was like a tiger ready to hunt his prey. I was thirsty and he quenched my thirst. The attention, the excitement, the sex, the EVERYTHING was like nothing that I ever experienced…even to this day. However, it was an affair…set in a fantasy. Nothing was real. The whole premise of the affair had no groundings or stress imposed by real life. It was an escape…a temporary escape from reality.
I had devised a plan to leave my husband, including renting a flat where I spent most of my days but returned to my children in the evenings. My thoughts were torn between being with whom I thought was “the love of my life” and staying with my husband for the sake of my children. The red flags were there all along, however I chose to ignore them believing that he loved me. The biggest moment of truth came when my husband discovered our affair, and my socio told me to “LIE.” How could my knight be such a coward? Shouldn’t he be willing to fight for me, for OUR LOVE? He continued to encourage me to take steps in leaving my husband, all the while his life remained the exact same. I was slowly ruining what I had worked so hard to build while he continued to “support me” in the shadows.
My worst fear was realized in a movie…Anna Karenina. I had never seen it previously, but somehow, through divine intervention, I saw that movie on a plane ride and realized I was getting played. (If you haven’t seen it, Anna is married with kids, has an affair, leaves her husband for her lover, and her lover leaves her). It spoke to me. When I returned from that trip, he was different, more aloof and I realized it was a love scam. I ask him if there was someone else. “No,” he tells me. Not even 2 weeks later, another woman appears on his social media. Whether it was intuition or divine intervention, I got out. I left him a voicemail about his lies and never heard back from him….
I reached out to him once to wish him a happy birthday (2 months later) and didn’t receive a response. After that I really went NO CONTACT. It was hard for me….I refused to give him that satisfaction. There was my pride. There was my complete loss of innocence and trust in the humanity. How did these people exist and get away with this garbage? How did I become someone’s short term thrill? He got off on messing with a married woman…how many other wives did he covet or seek to covet? There was my disbelief that this happened to me. There was shame in my gullibility. There was relief that it was over and I could pick up the pieces of my marriage and move on.
Except, he came back. A year and a half later….for some more fun. I didn’t give in. He kept randomly reaching out via text. I didn’t take the bait. I forgave myself and him for everything that happened. I needed that poison (and anger) out of my life. But, I didn’t take the bait for several years. Recently, I tried to reconcile with him, and he obviously wanted another taste of our physical connection. I called his personality disorder out, and he didn’t deny it. Via text, he explicitly confessed that he craved the excitement of being with me and “wanted to ____ me” but I’m not that woman anymore. I know this trick. I’ve seen it before. I sleep well at night now. I have self-love, respect and am worth more than some cheap thrills. He almost ruined me once and I will not allow that to EVER happen again at his hands.
So, I blocked him. I have complete power and no intention of going there. They don’t change. They will destroy any woman or relationship. Nothing will make them happy.
Take action to fix yourself and do whatever makes you happy. Find love within yourself and try to understand whether you’re ready and/or willing to give your husband EVERY ounce of you. Go to couple therapy. It takes time to recover from these experiences, but DO NOT give the socio the power that stunts your happiness. Do not reach out to him. Don’t be fooled if he reaches out to you. He only uses people. Don’t let your ego take over and think that you’re somehow special to him, because he’s got 5 other “special someones” on the side. Embrace the quiet after the storm. Let the anger subside, but maintain your strength. Forgive yourself, forgive him, but never forget.
There is healing in finding that peace. The best revenge is living a good and happy life.
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by soulsurvivor.
October 3, 2018 at 1:58 pm #47223
@soulsurvivor, thank you for taking the time to share your experience. Reading that spoke to me in quite a personal way, because you describe so much of what I was feeling when I met the N.
The stare, the intensity of the look in his eyes, the sex, all of it. It is like reading a description of my experience. And it is hard to let go of, but I keep reminding myself that every look, every tender moment, every i love you was just not real. Not for him. And its starting to hurt a lot less than it did to begin with, so I feel hopeful that I’m no my way to healing.
It’s now been a week of no contact. The last time I spoke to him, he showed up at my house drunk and potentially having done some form of drugs on Wednesday night last week, at 1am banging on the door shouting whether I’m in here with someone. I had blocked his number, and he tried to text me and realised he couldn’t so after his night out decided to come over and bang on my door in the middle of the night…!! I opened the door and stood in the crack I had opened, and just looked at him completely unamused. I was getting on a flight to Canada for my brother’s wedding the next day, and he knew I was going so I think he wanted to make sure I was going to be ‘hooked’ on him while I was away, and wouldn’t get up to anything, or dare move on from him. He showed me the text he sent me before realising he was blocked, and he’d had the gall to text me asking if I wanted to have one last night of cuddling before we ‘break up proper’ to ‘end it right’… honestly. He knew I had wanted to hear that for so long (we hadn’t spent a night together in over 2 months since he started pushing me away and discarding me) and I know he was trying to reel me back in because I had finally decided to stop contacting him and try and move on. I’d called him out on being a liar and me having found out through a mutual colleague that he had in fact definitely lied to me in the days leading up to this so he knew I was no longer willing to put up with his shit, and I felt so sad that even then as he came to my house int he middle of the night, drunk and banging down my door I felt like I wanted to reach out and hug him and kiss him and let him spend the night.. I didn’t, i asked him to leave. And he did. There were a few texts after he left in which I kept asking him to just leave me be now, and he promised to…
And it’s now been a week.
Meanwhile, my wonderful husband ended his sabbatical trip in Europe early to surprise me by arriving in Canada a day after me. He knew I was dreading doing that event by myself with the whole family there, who had attended our own wedding a year before, and I’ve known for a little while that he wants to see if we can make things work, so I was just gobsmacked when he showed up…
my question to you @soulsurvivor is, after the affair with the N, how do you rebuilt your relationship with your husband? I love him, and he’s my best friend, but I’m struggling with the physical aspects of the relationship.. I know he’s being very patient, but I also know he wants to sleep with me and be intimate, and I’m really struggling to have those kinds of feelings because I just clam up and feel so .. I don’t even know. I am still hung up to an extent on the experience of the N, and the way I wanted (and to an extent physically still want) to be with him at times, so it feels quite difficult to be with my husband right now.. I don’t want to lose him or push him away because the experience with the N has made me so aware of what I took for granted and what an incredible man he is, but how do you rebuilt that connection in a more normal way? I know what the N made me feel wasn’t real, and was designed to be impossibly intense so that nothing would ever feel that ‘good’ again but I really want to make this work with my husband, and not recoil when he tries to touch me.. did you go to couples therapy? What did you do?
October 2, 2018 at 9:00 am #47202
I found it interesting that you mention the way he looked at you. I also noticed something very weird in the way my ex N looked at me, although can’t explain exactly what it was.
Hope you are doing better. No contact is hard, but having peace is worth the endurance 🙂
October 2, 2018 at 1:35 pm #47203
Hi Daisy1990, the N look is called “predatory stare”. Sociopaths use this to literally put their target into a trance & also use hypnosis to manipulate their targets minds.
Do a search here on Lovefraud for “predatory stare”, Donna has written articles on this very subject and also most everyone has posted on the intense stare of a sociopath. My ex h did the same, especially in the beginning of our relationship which made me very uncomfortable.
Also, google: Sociopath trance and then Sociopath hypnosis.
It’s scary, what lengths these evil sociopath go to, to control our minds.
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