Is it me?

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  sun smith 1 year, 4 months ago.

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  • #39452


    I am so frustrated right now. So I told you about the narcopath that broke up with me a few months ago, but what I didn’t mention was that there was another man I believe to be a narcissist that I saw once too. While my most recent ex is villanized and hated (at least among my closest friends, and the few family members he knew) this other man still runs in the same circles. In fact he is often elected to boards of volunteer organizations and asked to help run recreational events that my friends are involved with. I was upset when a family member told me that I had to put my personal feelings aside because he was good for the community, but today I am devastated at what another family member said. When I said that it was wrong to elect a moral bankrupt man who abused me to run these things she expressed shock and said “Really?” In a sarcastic way. “You’re calling him an abuser now?” I told her that lying, manipulating, cheating on, screaming at and ignoring was all abuse. She said “Well then you shouldn’t have gone back to him, like I told you not to.” She also went on to say that my ‘obsession’ with him was unhealthy. Honestly, I don’t know what to think. She isn’t the first and won’t be the last friend or family member to say things like this to me since I discovered what narcissists really are. I thought they would support me educating myself and getting therapy. Instead I’m invalidated, even blamed. Is this really my fault? Am I acting in a way that is making people upset with me or do I have a right to be angry with my closest for supporting the abuser instead of me? When I say I’ve been abused, shouldn’t they support me? Its just that so many people are in opposition with me lately I don’t know if this is my personality that is causing the issue. and am I really obsessing? I don’t look at his profiles, I don’t talk to him, I don’t out of my way to be around him, I have him blocked everywhere, the only thing I said was that I don’t believe an abuser should be in a position of power, no matter how little it is. I want to remove people who are toxic to me from my life, but I don’t think she is a bad person but she will not listen to me. And how can I remove so many when there are so many that are supposed to be family? I’m in a place of deep self doubt right now. I’m trying to heal and be a better person, but I feel like they are acting like I’m the bad guy and no one is listening to me.

  • #39729

    Donna Andersen

    Passiel – I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Please stay true to yourself and trust your perceptions. You know what you experienced. Do not doubt that the lying, manipulating, screaming and cheating occurred.

    Unfortunately, many people, like yourself, who have been targeted find that friends and family do not support them. One reason is because they have not experienced what you experienced. They see the image that the man presents to the community. The man will always be involved with impression management, so he tries to look good.

    So why don’t they believe you? First of all, he may have embarked on a smear campaign. That means he has subtly painted you as being “obsessive” or perhaps “mentally unbalanced” – that’s a standard sociopathic strategy.

    Secondly, if they were to believe you, then they would have to admit that the guy has fooled them! And they don’t want to do that. Because then they’d have to admit that they cannot trust their own perceptions. So they would rather not believe you. It’s easier for them.

    It’s very sad. But unfortunately, many people who have been targeted have found that they’ve had to limit their interactions with family and friends – or at least stop talking to them about the experience with a sociopath.

  • #39730


    Thank you, Donna. I think my therapist should be the one to decide if I am having an unhealthy obsession and I will rely on her judgement to tell me if I’m not progressing.

    It is sad. I feel like this is the end of a relationship with my best friend and sister. On one hand I don’t blame her, she had to hear a lot of crying from me and the most recent ex wasn’t nice to her at all. I probably would have resented me for letting him treat her that way too. On the other hand you would think she would support me getting real for once about the bad guys I’ve been dating. All I can do is heal and grow from this point. I’ll mourn the loss of our closeness but I don’t feel her accusations are true. I might have been depressed and bitchy lately but I’m doing my best to get healthy and if she can’t see that she is fooling herself.

  • #39732

    sun smith

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