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It’s been three months since I broke things off with my disordered ex-fiancé, and I still cry almost every day. I’m not crying because I miss him — in fact, I hate him and fervently wish he would die in a grease fire or something. I’m crying because it was all a lie. The person I fell in love with never even existed. And this whole life I thought I was going to have with this pseudo-person is just gone. I thought knowing the truth about him would help. Shouldn’t I be getting better?
What’s it going to take for me to be okay again?
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The loss of a dream is the worst pain – all those hopes, those expectations, those fantasies of the perfect life – disappeared. It is hard to reconcile the now with the what could have been. The best cure is time – and re-affirming yourself every single day. “I am strong.” “I am a survivor”. “The past will not overtake my future”…what ever it takes to make YOU believe in you again. Keep a journal. Get involved in your community. Take up a new skill – painting, ceramics, music. Talk to a counselor. Read the stories on here – ask those of us who have been in your shoes how we did it. And believe that tomorrow is going to be better. It will now that the poison is out of your life. Hugs to you, marinapearl. You are stronger than you know. Believe it.
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It takes action. Do something each day.
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marinapearl….emilie18 is correct. Mostly it is time that heals this part you. Time to gain actual distance from the event.
This sound morose, and I was not ever going to hurt myself, but when I ‘got it’, and the pain persisted, I wanted to go to sleep until it was all over. I was angry that I was left with all the sadness, anger, depression, and anxiety to deal with, while he went (merrily) on his way.
None of it is right, fair, or normal. It is all lopsided, with ALL of it left for us to deal with. They shirk 100% of the responsibility. And they feel nothing, so have nothing to ‘process’. I found this to be nearly incomprehensible at the time.
It does get better. You will recover and thrive. Your emotions will become more normal. You will sleep better. Everything does get better with time.
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Marinapearl, I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 2 months into the breakup. I made the mistake of meeting up with my ex a week ago to “talk through the breakup”, and it was clear that she’s completely fine, while I have suffered through the worst 2 months of my life.
I think people who go through normal breakups can’t comprehend the grief that’s associated with loving a disordered person. You really have to grieve the loss of the person you loved and the loss of the life you hoped for, all while realizing it was an big fat lie and the person is doing just fine without you.
I’m trying to remind myself every day that I would rather be an empath and consequently suffer more than be someone lacking any real feelings or empathy. I believe she’s going to have a trail of failed relationships and lies, and I’m going to have meaningful and healthy relationships.
My heart goes out to you. I’m not at the point where it’s gotten better yet, but I believe it will with time and No Contact (starting over again since I met up with her last week). Just know that everyone here understands what you’re going through, and we’re here to support you along the way.
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It gets better. Keep trudging. Getting therapist familiar with covert abuse helped. Self care helped. Reading helped. Taking legal action since there was a on of money exploit d from me helped. Not keeping so quiet about what happened helped. Im about five months out and things are getting better:)
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