How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Is superstitiously ritualistic part of sociopathy?
August 2, 2018 at 3:04 pm #46538
I guess I am writing down, more as a need to talk about this man.
I was 37 when I met this person on online site, it happened to be early morning of day after a good night out on my birthday.
I was checking this dating website, I replied back and I noticed he was unpaid member. Profile said never married, no children, 39 year old, in a respected profession as I was in. Originally from same part of the country as I was but settled in this current city as I am, different country abroad.
Dropping my usual inhibition, I shared my phone number( I was in a good mood, believed my good luck too much). Next thing he started whatsapping, he persisted texting until I answered, ended up for a call for a good chat 1 hour.
Very well went ahead, he asked usual specific question, one particular question: coming from Asian background, why I remained unmarried, any relationships before? I didn’t ask him about his relationships: Looking back he would have have blatantly lied about his 2 marriages before and a child before. I didn’t want to know details of any of his previous relationships, I didn’t ask.
the only odd thing about this conversation was he proclaimed he was an honest man. Something odd, about proclaiming that. I shook it off. Let me assess him.
Time to google about him, sure he works where he said he is( ompany webzite), right about having lived in towns before where he said he is.
Ok, there is a female name at his previous residence with a male name as well. – they must have shared a house. I regret now, if I had googled that female name, I would have traced his court battle of divorce with that lady.
Somewhere birth date showed up, behold he si 41 years, why did he lie on profile. Probably he didn’t update. Ok let me assess.
Went on to have relationship with him 1 year and half. He was always nice and good to me. Good promises of marriage, life, future. No reason to disbelieve. After all, which sane person would sabotage such a beautiful too good to be true relationship.
Looking back his entire primary focus was sex, good meal and his weekend enjoyment with a female company.
I cut off from him,
1. He took more than a year to confess one day:he had lied to me, he was married with one schizophrenic before, and being too shocked he went into another relationship and marriage who turned out to be a criminal and siphoned money off his credit card. He was forced to leave her and child he fathered as they were using hte child to siphon money. She was deported, he had to involve embassy and settle financially forever. He is not in touch them. I was too shocked and too thick in this relationship to suddenly leave him. I said, never again these lies to me. I also took responsibility saying I never asked him about his previous relationships.
2.he always promised to introduce me to his friends, not a single person I got to see.
3. Never put me on his Facebook friends, promising falsely again.
4. Ended up finally sharing his mother and sister’s number to talk to them. Confessed his another lie there about family, lies without reason. I had to let out and ask him, is it a lying personality, why would you lie about your parents and siblings?
5. The very next week he said, his mother is not happy with this match, it would be a wait until he eventually convinced her for agreeing for our marriage!! Really??.
6. Had met my brother only once, made up excuses every time meeting him came again?
I cut off from him, saying to myself there were too many unacceptable behaviours towards promises of marriage. I always expected him to sort out with his mother in a few weeks and get back to me, I was Ina denial for years that he will eventually sort this out.
Always promises after regularly few weeks of no contact, suddenly tells me he has left the country 6 months ago. Really !! You kept talking of marriage u didn’t tell me this.
Lot of unkept promises to meet up, finally 5 days of visit: wholly centred around sex. Again promised things will be settled in a month.
Like many people here, I ended up learning about sociopathy and other similar stories and this website by trying to google for : what makes people to make constant lie/ false promises.
There behold: terrifying stories and world.
Surely this man fits so many of these signs.
Except I haven’t been able to see why he was so superstitious and ritualistic in religious connected practices.
I always thought I am a a sensitive person, I am able to judge people’s character because of that. It was a shock for me to recognise this aspect of personality disorders.
He was somewhat very charmingly talkative like a gentle school boy. I fell in love with his voice.
He was always a gentle man never talked bad of others. No reason to suspect he was a bad man.
He didn’t ruin me financially, even paid for the trip we went together equally, although I said I don’t mind. But he had asked me how much money I had, would we invest together and have Joint bank account, I said fter marriage. Did I get saved because of that? I would have believed if he had gone head even to give me engagement ring.
But what about his incessant promises he doesn’t keep. Claims he didn’t lie. Even though said those with straight face.
Marth stout’s sociopath next door was eye opener to me.
It has given me clarity to bring closure to this episode.
Although I get anxiety episodes, to think what horror this man was, I am not angry anymore. After all it doesn’t affect him. I was angry on myself to believe this man, as much I did, I realised as I read many stories on this.
I cut him off becoz of my boundaries about my expectations of him. I saved myself, even if he contacts me again, I know what to do.
Sad, but it could have been so worse. What if he has done to other relationships similar to the horror stories above. What about if he had other relationships, which he didn’t disclose, what about the condoms I found in his bag. He never used with me. What about the suspicious couple of phone calls he sat in car to talk, away from me?
Why he never allowed me any sort of access to his phone, laptop iPad? He freely used mine. Never any interest to introduce himself or myself to anyone. He had multiple email id’s.
All that he said, he loved and cared for me to just leave and go without any conscience or any obligation ? He said, he didn’t tell because he thought I wudn’t come, really did u ask me!!
The one aspect of his behaviour really is not fitting, I am looking for answer. He had multiple god’s pendants worn, very ritualistic and attending many temples. I had clearly told him, I am not God follower on first chat. This behaviour wasn’t to impress me, he fully believed in his beliefs nd temple visits. May be sociopaths come in all shapes.
August 3, 2018 at 12:44 am #46545
Hi bhar, welcome to Lovefraud!
Your question is one I’d never heard before, so it’s an interesting one. In the end, I think your own wisdom provided the answer.
Naturally I’m sorry you had this disappointment from this man you hoped to marry. Of course you need to talk about him and to try to understand what “went wrong,” what you might have missed despite being an intelligent, educated professional woman. In fact I can only congratulate you for being smart enough to spot “red flags” from the beginning, and for stopping this “relationship” before it did you more serious damage. Anyone can be “taken in” so far. You stopped it before it got too far.
So what about your ex-lover? Who was he, and what was he “really” like? Was he a “sociopath”? He might very well have been. Certainly he was a liar! Or he might just have been a “player” who liked to keep several women on a string.
What does seem beyond all doubt is that he wanted to keep you “at a distance,” to stop you from finding out more of the truth about his life. That’s why he wouldn’t let you meet his friends, or “friend” you on his Facebook account. That’s why he didn’t want you to overhear his phone calls. If I understand you correctly, it sounds as though he only saw you at weekends. I’m betting that he had another woman or possibly several women he was seeing at the same time that he didn’t want you to know about. He might have kept condoms in his bag just as a precaution, but I’m betting he was using those with other women.
Was he after your money? Possibly, but not necessarily. Certainly his questions about investments and a joint bank account sounded highly suspicious, but my guess is that he was mostly in it for the sex and the company. If you had put money into an account with him he might have robbed you, but that would just be a bonus from his viewpoint. Perhaps he didn’t mind paying for trips with you because he had enough money of his own. Or perhaps he didn’t want to raise your suspicions by seeming to be after your money; who knows? Again, if you had married him he might have robbed you, but I don’t believe he ever intended to marry you. So you were wise to refuse any sharing of finances with him outside of marriage.
So what about these pendants and religious observances? I’m afraid I don’t know. You said you were “Asian,” but Asia is a big place with many different nations and cultures. It’s hard to know what’s common practice without even knowing what religion we’re talking about. Are you from India perhaps? I’m guessing this might be some Hindu ritual you’re talking about—or possibly Buddhist if you’re from somewhere else. Anyway I don’t suppose it makes much difference. I doubt if religious observance—or “superstition,” if you prefer—means anything one way or the other about whether someone is a sociopath or not. It’s simply a matter of personal belief, independent of other personality traits. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear of a psychopath carrying a rabbit’s foot in his pocket to “bring him luck” on his criminal enterprises, just as any ordinary person might do. So in the end I think you’re right: that “sociopaths come in all shapes,” just like the rest of us.
August 3, 2018 at 8:10 am #46546
bhar – I am glad you are away from that man. I agree with Redwald – he probably was involved with multiple other women.
About your question about religion and superstition – there is nothing in the diagnostic criteria for personality disorders related to religion or superstition. But I can make a few observations:
1. In our surveys, 20% of respondents said the sociopath they knew falsely claimed to be religious or born again. People generally assume that religious people are honorable, so sociopaths pretend to be honorable by pretending to be religious.
2. Cult leaders often claim to be speaking for God, or that they are God. Cult leaders exhibit all of the traits of sociopaths.
3. Plenty of sociopaths can be religious. Just look at all of the priests who engaged in sexually abusing children.
4. Plenty of sociopaths also claim that God doesn’t exist. My ex husband said this.
In the end, the main thing is that the guy lied. I recommend that you never talk to him again.
August 4, 2018 at 1:26 pm #46563
What I know is it really isn’t about how they look on the outside. The outside is not what gives us a clue, not really, about what they actually ARE. It is their behavior that is the give away, that provides us with everything we need to know about them.
Some of them are clean cut business men. Some are therapists. Some are gym instructors, garbage men, nurses, wait staff, rich, poor, and criminal….blah.blah.blah. This means some will wear the cloak of some kind of religion too. But none of this stuff really gives us much of a clue as to whether they are disordered.
The clue is in the lies, inconsistencies, manipulation, love-bombing, etc. Their behaviors are the same, no matter what their outsides look like. They are master manipulators that learn as many of the specifics about their targets as they can, in order to ‘tailor’ their con, and maximize their gain out of the relationship. If they are smart they are REALLY good at understanding what each person will respond to and they just start pressing ALL the buttons to get what they want.
Some of them go after your money, some go after sex, some want a wife so they look more normal in the world. Whatever suits them in the moment, they will manipulate to get it.
I dated a man who is considered a spiritual guru type. He markets himself as a ‘shaman’, and an activist for sexual freedom, woman’s rights, and racial equality. Initially, this gave me the impression that he was a ‘good’ person, free from judgement, and with a kind heart.
Boy was I wrong. He was none of those things. He was a liar, an abuser, manipulative, and unpredictable.
And he introduced me to LOTS of his friends. They seemed to practically worship him. He introduced me to old girlfriends who tried very hard to act loving and kind, but who I could tell were hurting inside. His abuse was mostly hidden away, where none of these people could see it. And when he was harsh in public they believed it was because he was ‘more evolved’ that the person/s he was being harsh with, and that it was ‘for their own good’.
Your guys behaviors all yell that he has a personality disorder.
August 4, 2018 at 11:52 pm #46571
It has been my observation from the sociopath I dated and the stories of others that there is always some big thing that will happen in the future that will make everything okay….the divorce, the job they are waiting for, their inheritance…yada yada yada….a bunch of lies they use to string you along. This builds the drama. Every time they claim the event is getting near, it gets pushed into the future again for unknown reasons. This is the only way they can explain why they A) can’t pay you back the money they borrowed; B) can’t marry you (their divorce is not final); C) can’t be with you….etc. There is always a story. It involves a lot of drama, a crazy ex, and some organization like the army. They use their unique drama to explain why they couldn’t call you, why they didn’t show up for a date, why you haven’t heard from them in a while. There is always an excuse and it seems so plausible. But if you start to connect the dots and pull away, suddenly the drama will shift in your favor. They suddenly want to see you and be closer to you. It’s all part of the game to keep control over you. Took me 3 months to figure it out.
August 5, 2018 at 5:31 am #46573
Hey thanks for reading through my long ramble of needing to let out. I feel being listened to.
Stargazer, you are absolutely right in that behaviour trait he displayed. The next big thing for him, was family approval. He has dragged on that excuse for years, not until I discovered this something called ” sociopathy”. He has never ever really said, ” this is the end of the relationship”
If family approval was so important, decent behaviour was to introduce to his family much much earlier. There are never ending excuses, which always seemed so plausible.
He wore good luck precious stone rings and many pendants invoking God’s blessings. His relationship with God, I found it weird that, is more based on fear. If he did pray and observe fasts on certain days and visit temples regularly, he genuinely believed , it would bring him good luck. He didn’t seem to pretend his practices. But as Donna says, this certainly made me believe him to be more as a person who is God fearing, conscience bound.
He definitely was seductive in getting what he wanted from me.
Initially I felt so stupid and idiotic for falling for him, but thank you all, I have realised I saved myself before more damage could have been done. I had set boundaries of expected behaviours, like interaction with both sides friends and families being the most important of it all.
Having said that, as silmone’s experience been, his interaction with others alerted her.
I feel relieved that most genuine people will fall for these kind of sociopaths, some gut instincts we heed to early on some later on.
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