is this real? how can it hurt so bad?

This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 8 months ago.

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  • #45878


    im scared to write this, i have lost all my friends and i am alone with my kids and cry all the time, no one wants to listen to me anymore and tells me just leave him already and im asking for it. I am a very caring and educated individual and up until the lat few years have had strong intuition and personality. I explain to my one last friend that i hurt i hurt so bad like the air is being ripped out of my lungs that i get so anxious that i have to go to the bathroom, i cant remember things, i cant talk to other people, like my brain freezes and i cant even think, i cant make decisions as small as what to make for dinner, i have laxe on my finances my responsibilities, i cry in front of my kids. i met my partner 4 years ago. he was amazing and helpful and i had never fallen so hard for anyone before, being with him made me feel like everything that was negative in the world just dissapeared, and the sex was amazing. this went on for months but there were things that happened like hed get drunk and tell me how shitty i was and how im no good for him and how i was a party girl… the next day hed say he didnt remember it and id forgive him. i loved the way i felt with him. he was good with me and my kids and and his kids. early on i bought my own home something that i had been working towards for 10 years. he started staying here every night and i enjoyed being with him but it got to be hard i felt like i was neglecting my children i told him i needed a few nights a week away from him to spend one on one time with my family. he had gotten upset. mind you he had been here for months by now i paid all the bills because it was my house and he was still a visitor however hed pay for food and events and such. anyway hed get mad at me and start in on me about shit and id tell him to leave and he wouldn’t go. come to find out he had rented out his house a couple months earlier and had been living with me without having ever talked to me. then he said it was because i wanted him there all the time…then he started not coming “home” and id call and text with no response, we work together and id go into work and see him there and like 100am hed be like “hey hows your day” like are you kidding me.. i paid 4000 for a vacation to mexico mind you i had never been, he told me not to get the insurance and the day before we were to leave said he couldn’t go because there as a child support hold on his passport. i scrambled to get someone to go with me or loss the vacay which my sister agreed. he swore at me and told me if i went he i couldn’t tell him one story or look at one picture he dint want nothing to do with it and wouldn’t be around when got back, god there is so much shit. he was away at a training trip for a week 5 hours away, i had pulled my kids out of school on a Friday and took them to the water park as i had promised, so that i could have the whole weekend with him, i told him and he got pissed at me i said you 5 hours away just tell me when your leaving and ill be back home when yu get there. he told me i was shit and hes making other plans and hanging with other people if im making plans on his return day, he never told me that he left ever. he showed up at my house at 9pm with me balling my eyes out and i said i didn’t know you were coming here and he turned around got in his car and left again. he stared leaving for weeks at a time and writing me texts about how shitty of a girlfriend i was and how driving my own car when we went places was degrading to him. all different kinds of stuff i cant even remember all the things that have happened but i remember the countless hours on the phone with my mom and my friends, trying to take my kids out and doing stuff with them in tears, the depression, not eating, the crying myself to sleep, the begging him.. then one day hed be like well you want to go to lunch, id be like well yeah of course and id also be scared anyway wed end up back here and have sex and hed be staying here again but he wouldn’t help pay bills, he even told me once that hed only pay a quarter because 4 people lived here, me my 2 boys and him and he pay his way…. like wtf, id tell him the sex was a damn band-aid and i didnt want to have sex because it was like pretending that everything that previously happend was okay and gave the illusion that yeah sure ” treat me like shit and hurt me ill let you come right back” i hated it i fought it so hard and hed get pissed because id bring things up and thats why we have a problem because i cant let the past go , but i couldnt not think of it, the events stood out in my mind like picture slides, and we never talked about anything or resolved anything.. there was no depth to his conversation, hed tell me im great and he loves me and would be very caring, this cycle as i called it would happen over and over. i told him its games and he plays games and hed tell me it wasn’t and then hed lie to me about hanging out with people and doing things, his daughter was here one day and she said’ but daddy you said you didnt have a girlfriend anymore” i was like wtf, why would she say that and he got made at me telling me that it wasn’t the time to talk. he stared acting like a immature baby infrount of my kids. i was trying to address his behavior one day and he was all year okay fine whatever you say ill just go sit on my hands. and literaly went and sat on his hands on the stairs in front of my kids. he even jumped out of my van at a red light once, for no reason when my kids were in my van, he had made it back to my house before we did. i caught him selling pills and he told me that he told me he id im like i have been asking you and i even found the bottle onece and he lied right to my face, but now he says shit like he didnt do it anymore which i thought was wierd… that was about the time his “friends” disappear or stopped coming around and it always made me wonder because these friends would do anythng like get him beer or booze or bread of socks anything hed ask and they would bring tvs and chainsaws and whatever else here im like this is wrong ….. im like who does that shit. speaking of friends after the pills thing i never saw another person with him again, i was never invited to a cook out, a game, a party Nothing Ever. I never became a friend of a friend or family member on FB, NOT ONE PERSON in 4 years!! he had been playing one of his games and staying away from me yet calling me and toying around with my emotions, said we could hang out but then wouldnt show or answer his phone. then one day called and said he found the perfect van foe me (something he kept looking for while the van i had was fine) and i needed to give him the money right away which i did and he went and got it and the next day he refused to give me the car or the money said i had to pay him for his services this went on for months i finally said fuck it keep the dam var and the money just get your shit out of my house i want nothing to do with you. I left him it hurt and sucked but he came back agaain crying his eyes out and telling me he fucked up and he loved me and hes sorry and it ripped me apart like ripped me apart it hurt so bad and i felt like i was being so mean telling him over and over that i was done… well we went out to lunch ended up in bed and yeah living together again.. it was great things were awesome he seemed to be trying and i always felt scared and i shouldnt be doing this with im and its just a matter of time till it all happened again.. i fought with myself so hard like how could i think that about him everything is so great id talk about it and hed get pissed and angry and aggressive with me for bringing it up.. im like this shit happened and im scared and instead of talking about it or coming up with a plan or fair fighting rules or anything your attacking me.. he said i was crazy and hes doing everything he can and i have no idea how hard it is to be with someone like me. but he loves me i would tell him things like hes being passive aggressive, of blameshifting, or projecting…. all things i knew onece what they were…. he tell me “” o yeah you think you know shit just cuz you read a book” it took me 7 years to get my bachelors degree he knew how hard i worked on it while being a full time single mom amd full time employee… that became his new thing to punish me or down talk me about my education… he used to tell me of how proud he was of me and how smart i was in the beginning and it tore me apart… he would start shit with me before holidays and then begone over the holiday and tell me about how he spent it with people who really care about him, them come back and say hed was sorry and im like your sorries dont mean shit but still let him back……… i felt like i lost myself i lost the ability to logicaly and rationally deal with everything in my life. like i couldnt even have a intelligent conversation with him…. and mean while all my friends slowly disappeared, they would tell me they didnt like him or hed do some crazy or mean stuff to them or infront of them i was even told by a lost friend ” ill hang with you but not if your with him” there was a joke going around a few of my friends that they called my bf hawk because hed never stop watching me when we were out, hed even go stand by the bathroom when i went to the bathroom” i never really realized this but as time went on id call him out on it…. then things got physical, we had been fine and we were drinking and out of the middle of nowhere he punched me right in my face splitting my lip down the middle and blood was everywhere and he goes sorry SORRY SORRRY AND RAN OUT THE DOOR…. I was so hurt mentally and physically…. he came back and told me he was so sorry and he was going to get help and he loved me and hed never want to do something like that…. i took him back i denied the charges from the police. that soon turned into well i dont remember what happened (neither do i) maybe you swung at me first and i just responded… im like are you serious are you tuning thins into it not being your fault and maybe for some reason i deserved it… thats ludicris…. anyway i continued with him more scared tath ever id even cry when we would have sex, i was scared of this person who i cared for so much and how he could hurt me so bad and why the fuck and i stilll here…. well fast forward a few months a few fights a few mean words a few returns… hed get mad at me becusse i wouldnt give him head and i wasnt having sex with him … and i would tell him you hurt me alot and its hard for me to give myself to you sexually, even though i wanted it it hurt me becuse it was emotioanl for me and sometimes hed act like he understood and somethimes hes just say mean comments….. so thin one night 39 days ago i have sex with him and its great and heartfelt and we cuddled in bed the next morning and i felt like i dint in the begining were every troubele drifted away… any way i had a mud run planned with a group this year he diddnt go with me (i didnt by him a ticket and he never bought his own) we go to the park for the run he observs and gets beligernt drunk, i get done with the run and right away i knew and right away he was mean… he said so many mean things to me infront of people and kept swearing tand there were kids there and i asked him to stop and he just did lit louder and agressivly, he was telling people about how i kick him out ( which i do i cant take his shit and my kids dont need to be subjected to the craziness and i tell him to leave its my only option if hes on one of his rampages) anyway he goes on to tell these people of so much fun he has when hes away and all the places he eats and the people he meets like rubbing it in my face by this point i have completelt dissengaged with him and and crying into my sisters shoulder… i tell him in going right home and not getting pizza with the group after and he gets upset. we get to my house i tell him hes more than welcome to get pizza but not to come back that im getting my kids.. he goes to get his motorcyle out of my house and then takes my keys i tell him to give me my keys back he says no hes about to pull away i turn his bike off and he grabs my by the collar and punches me so hard he knocks me on the ground I could barely even see and pieces of my back moral rolled out of my mouth on to the garage floor it was the scariest shit ever and he just got on his bike and rode away. cops are pressing charges against him not 1 felony and 3 misdemeanors.. He doesnt remember doing it he doesnt remember anything of the day. other than me telling him im not going for pizza and to leave…. he says hes sorry he says he loves me i tell him thats not love and i hurt so bad i hurt SOOO BAD EMOTIONALLY and my head is all messed up i feel like im dying i cry all the time, he said hes sorry and he has cried and he said he didn’t do what he needed to do last time and he said hed come back here and be with me and the kids and thats hes not drinking anymore ….. why do i miss him so much i just want him to come and fix everything and make me feel better, but i wont let him come back and my kids miss him amd so do i and im GOING CRAZY i yell at him about stuff i feel like im being so mean to him i think about the past and i bring it up and connect the dots and think i figured shit out but then i just think im crazy and hes over here telling me he loves me ad miss us… and i just want to not hurt and not cry and not feel crazy anymore but i want him to hug me i want to feel him next to me and i miss his touch i want him to fix this ….. i have been driving myself crazy reading books and finding out about antisocial personality disorder and trauma bonds but how can this be me how can this be my family and the guy i love/desire/ and hate.. i almost feel like im the psychopath… i know i wrote a lot but what i wrote is only the have of the things that have happened and all the happy parts too i cried most the time i wrote this and i got angry and i felt ashamed and embarrassed and i deleted it twice and walked away and came back and just let it flow… i haven’t let him in my house or agreed to go anywhere with him in 38 days but we still talk everyday and text and now he started this thing that he acts like i dont even exist at work he wont even look at me but hell call and text… and i just turn into this crazy bitch then i feel bad its like i have dropped to his level because i dont even know what to do anymore.

    • This topic was modified 8 months ago by  1for3.
  • #45901


    1for3, my heart breaks for you. I know that Donna and others on this site can give you wonderful advice as they have me. But from my personal experience I can say several things that I hope will help you. He won’t change….he cant. He won’t ever make it better for you….he cant. The love you are feeling is addiction, not love. You deserve better even if you don’t think that today, it’s true, and you will know it in time. I realize working with him is a difficult reminder, so I would look to find another job if that’s possible. No contact. As long as you keep texting you can’t stop the crazy train. His goal is to use you, not to love you. It’s so hard to deny what you feel and want but time apart will help you to see things more clearly. Isolation is part of their control but at this stage for you and your kids, you should isolate from him and reconnect with friends and family. You can do this! You have support! Keep reading articles and occupy your time with things that are benificial to you and your kids. He is a troubled man and you can’t fix him no matter how hard you try.
    Wishing you peace and clarity and strength!!!

  • #45903

    Donna Andersen

    1for3 – I am so sorry for your situation. Everything shescomeundone is true – let me add some more.

    Yes, the guy is a complete sociopath. He will never change and he will never be what you want. All the good behavior that you saw in the beginning was an act. The cruelty that you see now is the real him.

    Like most victims of sociopaths, you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. That’s why your mind goes blank. It means your “flight or fight” reaction is always engaged.

    The only real solution is to totally end the involvement. It’s good that you haven’t seen him, but you also need to cut off the calls and text messages. That’s how you take your power back. I recommend that you send one las text – “It’s over” – and then never respond again. And I mean NEVER!!! Block him if necessary. Get a new phone number if necessary.

    When he is no longer manipulating you, that’s when you will be able to heal.

    We have lots of information here on Lovefraud to help you. You also might want to check out my webinar, “Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover.” Click the “courses” button in the gray menu bar at the top of this page.

  • #45907


    Agreed with above. I understand. He is sick. You need to completely break it off. Don’t speak to him. Block him. File a protection from abuse. Contact your crime victims rights department and get help. So sorry. I kept taking my monster back until he abused my dog and completely wiped me out financially. Sociopaths are masters at exploiting you. You can regain your life and there are a lot of oid sources that can help. I found the book psychopath free to be a hugely eye opening experience.

  • #45922


    I want to offer words of encouragement to you. Your story sounded so much like mine in so many ways. I teared up as a read it. My ex “left” me last year but has never left me alone. He got married Dec 1st, he say’s to get over me, ha! He still has never left me alone. His wife just left him after 6 months, now he is full on trying to win me back, cause “he never stopped loving me” and “I’m his soul mate”. I keep trying to remind myself that the feelings I feel for him are addition. They are not real. I feel physically ill, still yet. That’s the affect it has on me.
    I want you to know you are not alone. When things started up again with him, I thought of coming here to this site. Because most people don’t understand. There are people on this site that do.
    Take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. And read… this site, and their are many books! There are several.
    My love and prayers to you! I hope that you will find the will and the strength to make your way out of this!

  • #45928


    1for3, SENDING YOU HUG HUGS HON!!!! 💜💜💜


    YES!! This guy is a masterful manipulator sociopath!! HE has you jumping thru his hoops for fun. He is like a cat playing with a mouse (you).

    You state:

    i hurt i hurt so bad like the air is being ripped out of my lungs that i get so anxious that i have to go to the bathroom, i cant remember things, i cant talk to other people, like my brain freezes and i cant even think, i cant make decisions as small as what to make for dinner, i have laxe on my finances my responsibilities, i cry in front of my kids.

    THIS WAS ME!! You are describing how I too felt when I was with my ex husband a sociopath. I could not even remember having the phone in my hand, let alone where I set the phone down. I could not even remember peoples names that were my friends! I could not even remember to turn the hot iron off before I left for work.

    My mind was so twisted up from the sociopath that was in my life…I felt like I was literally dying. I was so mentally, emotionally, & physically exhasuted that I eventually became bed ridden. Trying to walk to the bathroom was absolutely exhausting.

    Sociopaths purposely & intentionally wear their partners out to have full control over them!!

    This sociopath in your life wants to destroy you, your health, your relationships….all to have POWER & CONTROL over you!!! And for fun!! They are PURE PURE EVIL and this guy is NO different!!!

    First things first:

    1) Get your health back in order!!!

    YES, Donna is correct, you are suffering from PTSD!

    Most victims of sociopath suffer from PTSD, I was no different as with most, if not all hear at Lovefraud. Finally the answer after going from doctor to doctor to figure out how a once healthy, energetic, athletic person I was, to being bed ridden it was only until after I escaped my ex & sat on a knowledgeable counselors couch did I find out the very first day I was suffering from PTSD did I get the correct help to turn my sickly body back to a health one.

    I believe the root issue of PTSD (from my own experience) is Adrenal Fatigue.

    Google “Adrenal fatigue symptoms list” and also look at:

    DrLam. com symptoms list

    Adrenalfatigue. org symptoms list

    to learn more.

    My Endocrinologist doctor (doctor that specializes in Adrenal gland issues) tested me for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance test, thyroid T3 & T4, etc. My test result were off the chart horrible. As they say “Stress kills”

    And right now you are under a tremendous amount of stress due to this EXTREMELY ABUSIVE MAN in your life!!

    What do you do to heal adrenal fatigue?

    Remove the stress
    Large amounts of Vitamins & Minerals (specifically B complex, D, Magnesium. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s (adrenal fatigue. com) adrenal vitamins, and progesterone hormone (nature not man made).
    Eat a good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to Live Book or Super Juice Me documentary (free on you tube).


    “Dr Fuhrman PBS You tube” (to watch is PBS special on eating healthy to heal the body)

    “Super Juice me documentary you tube”

    (both of these methods literally flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals & reset your body’s chemistry

    (do not change your diet without advise from your doctor)

    Within 4 hours of taking vitamins/minerals & Rx progesterone pills prescribed from my Endocrinologist doctor, my anxiety was half. Within weeks I felt like I could think again & function again. This after I had left my ex (removed the stress to a certain degree since I was still going thur a divorce).

    If you have thyroid issues, you have adrenal gland (i.e. adrenal fatigue issues). According to Dr Wilson’s book you must heal your adrenal glands first before your thyroid because you can damage our thyroid otherwise.

    My heart aches reading your post. My ex was the same way with all the daily chaos & drama that he created.

    This sociopath in your life has you on a hamster wheel to NO WHERE VILLE…he keeps you spinning around & around to where you get no where, to where you & he never solved in of the drama.

    I use to think to my self during my marriage to my ex that I would put out two of his drama & chaos fires to only have him create 10 more fires of drama & chaos that had to be put out.

    Nothing with a sociopath is ever solved! Nothing. He is intentionally creating chaos & drama with you to throw you off balance to have control & power over you.

    Is he cheating on you?

    Most likely!! He most likely is picking a fight with you, blaming you and then going off to see someone else. Then he does the same to her & comes back to you.

    Everything sociopaths do is intentional!!

    Sociopath run a CON GAME with everyone. Where you have no idea you are playing a game. A game that you dont even know the rules to because sociopaths change the rules as soon as they think you understand what is going on!

    ASK YOURSELF THIS question everyday:

    Is this guy I’m dating pure evil, like Charles Mason or Hitler?

    (I’ll write more tomorrow)

    HUGS TO YOU!! 💜💜💜

    I am so proud of you for having the courage to search the internet & to have the amazing courage to write your story here on Lovefraud. I know it’s freighting to do so. I was freighted too, the first time I posted on a site.

    But I can tell you it is one of the biggest steps out of this abusive relationship.




  • #45929


    From the USA Domestic Violence Hotline Website:

    Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

    It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

    In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

    Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.

    Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

    Tells you that you can never do anything right

    Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away

    Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members

    Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs

    Controls every penny spent in the household

    Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses

    Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

    Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do

    Prevents you from making your own decisions

    Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children

    Prevents you from working or attending school

    Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets

    Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons

    Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things
    sexually you’re not comfortable with

    Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

  • #45930


    Look at the home page of Lovefraud, scroll down to the YELLOW BOX & read. Also look up at the top of love fraud and click on the “Store” to see Donna’s books & also other authors books. Donna has done a post on the books from other authors so just do a search on the top right corner of LF to find her info on the book.

    I would recommend that you read her book “Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath.

    Also, up at the top click on the “Video” section & watch those videos over & over.

  • #46024


    Hi 1for3

    Your story sounds so familiar to mine. I’m a single mom of two and five years ago I started my bachelor degree when my girls were three. I got straight A’s until I met my guy.. Currently I’m doing my mastersdegree in anthropology with only a 6 months delay due to the psychological problems that arose while trying to get away from him. at a point, I could not read. As in not at all. I could not make sense of the words and I felt so lost. thats why I seeked help and found my therapist. He taught me how to “reset” my thoughts by using meditation and mindfullness-practices and slowly start to read my kids books for training my brain again. These techniques was my saving. I found my self-worth and intuition again. I kept my social circle really small since I was paranoid and did not trust anyone. But I found a stronger and more balanced person in me, than I had dared to hope for. Im sure you will find the same <3 because there is some good in surviving this.

    “Reset technique”: sit down comfortably. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath through your nose and count to ten before releasing it just as slowly (10seconds). Do this 5 times. Then start focusing on your right hand. How does your hand feel? Maybe you dont feel anything in it? But maybe there is like a tickle, it feels like electricity for me. Then do the same with your left hand. “Feel” your hand. Then proceed to your feet and do the same with both of them, just recognize they are there and how they feel seperately.

    Then when you have felt both your hands and feet seperately, have your eyes closed and “feel” them all at once. At this point I get SO relaxed. in the start the sensation only came for like a second but I still do this a lot. While standing in line, or watching tv or cooking or reading. It only takes me like 30 seconds and I feel relaxed and I get to CHOOOSE if I want to continue thinking about him or if I rather want to spend my time doing something else. Sometimes I give him some minutues but more and more often I choose to focus my energy on my kids, my studies or being nice to myself.

    I dont know if this makes any sense? I also felt safe and it helped me reading other womens stories but I also needed some tools to get out of “the spin”, and this really helped me. And it gave me a sense of me back. My own sense of identity was fucked up for so long with him. But Im pleased to see that I didnt crumble by this, it made me much stronger, wiser and in a weird way, more loving <3 It has given me a lot of understanding and empathy.

    You will make it through this! I know how the friend situation feels, but they most surely dont understand if they haven’t experienced it themselves. I was one of them before. Do things that gives you good energy. I have learned that I gain energy by giving energy to others. Like volunteering or cooking for someone, helping out strangers, being nice to others <3 And when I need a day off (which i still do and probably always will now and then), I give myself that space and I respect myself enough to listen to what my mind and body are telling me. The first couple of weeks after the breakup, I slept all the time and that helped as well. Get your basics in order, sleep, eat healthy, start working out. Do good for yourself and extend it to others when you feel ready. This has moved me forward and is what keeps me on the right path.

    Loads of hugs and let us know how this proceeds, we are here with you!

  • #46026

    Donna Andersen

    Caro – wonderful advice. Thank you for being so supportive.

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