How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › I’ve come to realise my husband is a sociopath and I don’t know what to do
November 18, 2022 at 10:50 am #69063trixxy34Participant
This is my first time ever writing on a forum, I’m not even sure how it works or if anyone will reply, I suppose all I’m looking for really is a safe space to get this off my chest
I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for nearly 17 years, we’ve been married for 12 and we have a 10-year-old daughter
I’ve been telling my husband I think he’s a sociopath for near enough our whole relationship, since the first time he told me during an argument that he can treat me like crap because he convinces himself it’s not his fault, I know, I hear it too now, I should of ran for the hills right then and there, but I didn’t, I stayed and took his abuse for 16+ years
My husband isn’t a diagnosed ASP but after reading the traits used during diagnosis, he has all of them!! I can literally give an example for every trait!
He’s a compulsive liar, he’s reckless, he racks up debt that he has no intention of ever paying back and I’ve spent all these years trying to keep us out of trouble, we both worked prior to covid but I had to take control of the finances, or we’d have ended up under a bridge living in a box! Before we were married, he made us homeless twice (when I look back now, I can’t believe I was so stupid and believed he could ever change), he was an alcoholic, when he stopped drinking, he moved on to prescription drugs, which I think he still takes secretively every now and then and he has a bad gambling problem, he’d think nothing of putting a whole week’s wages in a machine, he’s cheated on me once that I know of which was at the very beginning of our relationship, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s done it throughout, I’ve suspected it enough times! He refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions and will basically lie and manipulate his way out of it. Before he got with me, he was always in trouble with the police for fighting, spending most weekends in a cell, but I can say he has never been violent towards me or our daughter, he doesn’t even raise his voice, he walks away from an argument rather than have it out. he told me once that a police officer told him he had a baby face and didn’t believe he’d done anything wrong, I know now that he definitely used that to his advantage from then on! Knowing his big baby blue eyes would let him get away with anything and he used that on me whenever he could, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker
When I think back to our early relationship he treated me so, so badly, he’d go out and not come back, he’d spend all his time at his sister’s (who are alcoholics too) and drink, he’d basically do whatever he wanted and how dare I question him, I should of ran as fast as I could, but I was just so weak. And then one day he was just gone, and I didn’t hear off him for 4 months until he tried catfishing me on facebook, I very quickly cottoned on it was him and he wormed his way back into my life, I’d moved back in with my parents’ after he left but when he came back, I got us a flat and I worked while he stayed home, that went on for 2 years
We got married 7 months after we got back together, and I think I’ve always known that he just used me for somewhere to live at the time, whether he planned on staying this long, I’ve no idea but I think he’s only here because of the convenience, I cook, I clean, I look after him and I’m there for sex when he’s in the mood for it, he’s not lazy when it comes to work but household duties, he doesn’t do any which is why I think he stayed put for so long, why do it yourself when you have a live-in maid who’ll do it for you?!
There is just so much that I see now, I feel like I’ve just zombie walked through half my life
I think our relationship has lasted as long as it has because before covid we both worked for my parent’s business and his job involved working away mon-fri so we only spent 2 days a week together, it used to really annoy me that I’d only hear off him throughout the day whenever he felt like, but I told myself that he was just busy and I need to stop being so needy.
We hardly ever argued and when we were together, he treated me like a princess, he’d tell me hourly how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, he bought me expensive jewellery, and we went on amazing holidays, I honestly thought I’d hit the jackpot and had the best man in the world. Unfortunately, my parents had to close their business due to covid and all my family were out of jobs, it’s been a very hard couple of years for all of us but we’re all trying to get back on our feet. Both me and my husband were out of work at the same time which had never happened before, I should have mentioned before that I’m very empathetic and suffer from severe anxiety, so this new situation nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown
In my previous job, I worked around the corner from my daughter’s school, I worked school hours, and I was able to take my daughter to work with me during school holidays, it was perfect and I always knew how lucky I was and would never be able to find anything even remotely similar, and I was right, I’ve not been able to find a job that allows me to both work and be at home for my daughter, so my husband has took on the burden of being the sole breadwinner. I’m not used to being a stay-at-home mum and that too is taking its toll, I don’t like this feeling of not contributing and this is one of the things that has brought all this to a head. Before covid, all our money just went into my bank account and I distributed it as and where and everything was going great financially, we were lucky enough to be in a position to always pay all bills in full and on time, a year or so ago, my husband opened his own bank account, which I wasn’t best pleased with as one pot was easier to manage and had always worked for us and I didn’t trust him with the money and it turned out I had every right not to trust him. Not long after he got the account and started working he logged me out and denied me access and came up with some cock and bull story about why I couldn’t log back on and he was trying his best but it was the bank’s fault, no the truth was he had spent over £1000 on a game on his phone, money that was supposed to pay for the couch we had ordered, which he told had been paid but the sofa company had messed up our order so it wasn’t coming yet, no the truth was he’d spent that money and had told the sofa company he was trying to find credit to pay for it and would be back in touch when he had the money (I found this out after ringing the sofa company directly myself). As it usually does, the truth came out, I was mad and had a rant, he talked and baby faced his way out of it again with more false promises of never doing it again, no surprises that he has done it again! In June this year, completely out of nowhere he cut me off from his bank again, refusing me any access at all, I found out not long after that he’d bought a new van on finance behind my back, it’s since then that things haven’t been right, and I’ve started to see things how they actually are. I knew he was keeping more from me but had no way of proving it, and I know now that all the pleading I did for him to just tell me the truth fell on deaf ears, but, like always, I did find out – he had taken out a loan and hadn’t paid it back, he also didn’t make the payments for the van he’d bought and they were coming to repossess it if he didn’t catch up – they didn’t come for it so I presume he did, but I honestly have no idea
Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a sociopath, especially for a long time, will know there are way too many stories to be able to tell them all, and I have so many whizzing through my mind now that I feel like an absolute idiot for letting it go on for so long and letting myself be manipulated like that
To be honest now, I feel completely lost, I have nothing – no money and no job, we’re in a lot of debt at the minute and if we’re able to pay things on time then we’ll be debt free in 2 years’ time
I don’t know how to handle this situation; I can’t go no contact with him because we have a daughter and can’t afford to live separately. I’ve called him out recently about being a sociopath, he didn’t acknowledge it which I knew he wouldn’t, he’s stopped trying to lovebomb me because I called him out and told him I knew what he was doing, I think he’s now trying to act aloof, probably waiting for me to come crawling back like I normally would, but it’s different this time, I see through the manipulation completely
It’s weird at the minute, it feels like we’re doing a dance around each other, not speaking properly but not splitting up, just a horrible limbo when I think about it
Being an empath, I pick up on everything, which is why I was able to call him out when he was lying, I wouldn’t always know what he was lying about but I knew when he was keeping something from me, and it would always come out in the end. I’ve been trying to pick up what he’s feeling at the minute but nothing, and I think that’s because he feels nothing
The hardest part of all this, is knowing half my life has been a lie, I’m trying my best to stay strong, and I feel better this week then I did last week, but I can feel that my heart and soul are broken. I gave up so much to be with him, the biggest thing being my lifelong dream of a big family, he knew I always wanted lots of kids I have a huge heart with so much love to give and I couldn’t wait to have lots of babies, but he didn’t want that, something he’d never told me until after we’d had our daughter, so I cried and cried to myself until I finally accepted that a big family wasn’t going to happen, and instead became content with just having our amazing daughter and a great life together making memories. I feel like that has been robbed from me, with lies, deceit and manipulation, the one dream I had for myself was robbed and the new life I dreamed was robbed too and I’ll never forgive him for that
I’m sorry for the long post, I just needed to get that out into the open after so long – eventually I’ll be able to tell my family what’s going on, but I don’t want to while I’m still processing and coming to terms with it myself
If anyone has any similar stories or advice, I’d love to hear it
November 18, 2022 at 4:37 pm #69069emilie18Participant
trixxie34 – Bless you for posting this. It sounds like after many years of misery you are recognizing this for what it really is — domestic abuse. I am guessing from your terminology you may be from England? The UK has an amazing network of help through their Women’s Aid programs. Now that the UK has the Serious Crime Act (2015), it is much easier to get help. The act made “controlling or coercive behavior” in intimate or familial relationships an offense. Not sure if your situation fits their criteria but calling the domestic abuse hotline might give you some great ideas. In the meantime, it is important you stay strong for you and your daughter. Some of the techniques that Donna mentions in her articles are terrific. You have taken a very important first step in recognizing his pathologies and manipulations. Continue reading all the articles on here. I find it helps to write down everything that has happened, is happening, and how you feel about it (but be sure he can’t find it!) It helps clear your mind and brings up memories and emotions you may have buried. Best wishes – and continue posting!
November 18, 2022 at 7:55 pm #69070
I’m so proud of you for searching for answers and posting here on this wonderful site Lovefraud. 💜 Searching for answers and posting takes massive amount of courage. You are no longer in denial…you are seeing the truth. YOU are listening to your strong gut instincts about your husband. You want out…this is the ultimate bravery to get to this point.
It’s terrifying to finally realize you have been duped by your partner. It’s shocking and sad that you turned your head away from your gut instincts in the beginning of your relationship.
WE HAVE ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW.
You have just taken MASSIVE STEPS to leave this emotional & mentally abusive and control relationship by coming here and posting. BRAVO TO YOU…PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK HON. This is a masssive moment and you will look back on this moment and be so proud of yourself down the way. 💜
He’s a compulsive liar, he’s reckless, he racks up debt that he has no intention of ever paying back and I’ve spent all these years trying to keep us out of trouble, we both worked prior to covid but I had to take control of the finances, or we’d have ended up under a bridge living in a box!
YEP…you just discribed how sociopath behave. They are con artist…they do not care about responsibility or ethics/morals or debt. it’s ALL about them and making themselves happy while destroying good peoples lives.
ALL sociopaths are ⭐️”pathilogicl liars” (look up this term here on LF Donna Site creator has endless articles on this term)
I would always tell my ex that if we won the lottery he would have all the money spent by the end of the week. HE was a masterful manipulator of conning money out of other peoples bank accounts to fund his toy purchases some with out ever telling me. I took all my money. He was a con artist when he was a child and never grew out of this mindset. I am sure he is still conning many many many people now.
On Lovefraud look up the home page…this is where Donna and her Husband Terry have created info on how to get out of your relationship and heal.
PLEASE CALL YOUR NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENC HOTLINE to talk with a free counselor about a “Domestic Violence Safety Exit plan”out of this dangerous relationship. DO NOT TRY TO LEAVE YOUR Husband without Getting help for your local center. The Hotline will be able to give you local numbers. GO WITHOUT TELLING YOUR HUSBAND ANY PLANS OF THIS.
THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A WOMEN LIVING A EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, VERBAL AND/OR PHYSICAL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT. So it is imperative to get help out by your local center.
PLEASE CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER EVERYTIME YOU LOOK SOMETHING UP HERE ON LOVEFRAUD OR NET so that your h does not see what you are doing and so you can stay safe.
If you can talk to your most trusted friends family and tell them what is happening in your marraige. Have them write down in a journal what you tell them. Also, for you to write down in a journal what your husband has done to you. HIDE THIS JOURNAL…if you can leave it at a friends/family home for safety and go their and write in it. You will be able to use them in court as witness.
Start secretly gathering important documents such as bank statements, home insurance, companies, original property titles deeds & car title etc and move these to a safety deposit box or to a trusted family homes. DO THIS QUITELY without him knowing.
The most important thing to do is to not show that you are leaving him. This is not easy to do. YOu will have to continue to act like nothing has changed. BIT your tongue about telling him that he is a “sociopath” this is for your safety. He most likely knows that he is not normal and can see that he is most likely a sociopath just by watching TV and connecting with the actors who play sociopaths.
I’ll write more tomorrow.
I’m so proud of you 💜I remember when I final just had enough it was a terrifying time emotionally when that day came where i just could not take one more day of his craziness, abuse & con game ways …and filed for divorce. My mistake was that I did not plan my exit out. And, finacially I suffered. So get help from your local abuse center and also read everything here on Donna’s home page. If its unsafe then just leave with the heal of your local abuse center. BUt, if you can stay and gather paperwork and find a lawyer ahead of time then this would be best. Go to book stores or library and read books on “Financial divorce’..lawyers do not give you this info. So it you can read books have your family help you read these books too.
When you feel that he is sucking you back into the marraige with his ⭐️love bombing (look this up here on LF) come here and read, read, read to break your mind free from his brain washing & mind control (literally). YES these evil people can use trance and mind control to control their victims. THis is one of the reasons why you did not follow your gut in the beginning…he was manipulating you ever second he was with you. he knows what he is doing to control you.
Sending you HUGE HUGS!! SO proud of you. Keep taking steps to get out of this abusive relationship. Take care. 💜💜💜 (I’ll post more tomorrow).
November 18, 2022 at 9:07 pm #69071polestarParticipant
Hi trixxy – thank you for sharing so much of your personal self with your dreams, your struggles and your problem with your husband. The main thing, from my point of view, is not to demean yourself for not seeing what was happening and the reality of your husband’s issues sooner. Firstly, be very kind to yourself and understand that we can only know and act when we feel safe enough to do so. I think that you were more vulnerable because of your love and wanting to protect your daughter. But you are here now and do see your husband’s very problematic behavior, and see that he will not change. Therefore, you will need to be the one to take action. The situation is just too abusive and you know that now. The other participants had some good ideas for you. Also write out as many options that you can think of to get out of the situation- perhaps confide in your parents because they will have ideas for you too, and may be able to help with the practicalities. Don’t feel like you have to jump like from a burning building – think rationally about the best plan of action to take. Seek advice from domestic abuse advisors and places that offer counseling. It was good that you reached out to us. I totally understand all the things that you have gone through and it shows a lot of courage to face the truth. See the greatness of your own self for being able to do this. You can change your life – it is not easy but you can do it and begin anew. You can get out of this situation and then have the opportunity for a new life and there is nothing to stop you from having more children if you would still want to have a bigger family in the future. You can do this !
November 18, 2022 at 9:32 pm #69073
Hi tricky good advice. Blessings to you.
November 19, 2022 at 5:32 am #69075trixxy34Participant
Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice
I’ve never kept a journal before but a few days ago I started writing down how I’m feeling and it’s really helping, I’ll definitely keep it hidden, I don’t think he’d at all like what’s written about him!
Yes, I’m from the UK, thank you for the advice on where to go for help, I didn’t even know where to start, everything’s feeling very overwhelming at the moment, I keep flitting between pure anger which has obviously been repressed for the last 17 years, and heart crushing sadness. Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year, but I can hardly bring myself to put the tree up, but my daughter deserves better than that, and she’s the only thing in the world keeping me going, she’s my light
I hope you’re all doing well, I’m so glad to have found this community, it’s so sad that we all have a horrible thing in common but at least we have each other to get us through, knowing there’s people out there who understand what this feels like is a huge comfort – we can move on and be happy, they can not
Finding Donna’s channel on youtube has change my life, and I know it’s for the better
November 19, 2022 at 4:15 pm #69077
I’m so glad you found Lovefraud also, This site is a Savings Grace for all of us. Most family/friends dont understand the hell that we endured unless you have lived it. Come here and vent, post daily. Donna, her husband Terry and their team have made a safe place for victims.
“I keep flitting between pure anger which has obviously been repressed for the last 17 years, and heart crushing sadness.”
You just described how I felt too when I left my ex h. My emotions where all over the place (which was not normal for me). I never cried so much after leaving my ex. All day & night long.
Not because I missed him (I did not) but, because of so much regret of not listening to my gut instincts from literally the second I met him. this is an area you will have to forgive yourself. This forgiveness does not happen over night. Also my mind was opening up from all his brain washing/mind control. Education by reading everything here at lovefraud and realizing that your husband is a masterful manipulator and con artist who sucked you into his disfuntional world will help you to let go of the “regret” of not listening to your gut instincts.
I’m glad that you are feeling your feelings. I know this is terrifying to feel and have your emotions all over the place. But, this means you are waking up from his Mind control and brain washing. View him as your CULT LEADER who has had control over you mind literally. And, now you are freeing your mind and soon you and your daughter will be free physcially from him with a proper “Domestic violence Safety and exit plan” that your local shelter will help you with.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW. I know right now you dont feel that way…but, you are and you will look back on the past 17 years and realize how strong you really are. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS NIGHTMARE AND WILL THRIVE SOON AGAIN.
Like a cage bird who free to fly again. 🦅
YEs, Donna’s you tube channel is excellent. When I first left my ex h (a sociopath) I watched Donnna’s vids over and over and over (maybe 1000+ times) this keep opening my mind to the truth. It’s easy for our minds to go back and forth and think “he is bad” “he is not bad”…so watching Donna’s vids reminds you he is ALL BAD. Nothing is normal with him. His mind is NOT healthy.
“we can move on and be happy, they can not..”
YES!! THIS IS A FACT!!!
take care of your health right now. You are under tramendous stress now and will be when you decide on your date to leave him. So get a vitamins & Mineral deficiency test. You are most likely suffering from PTSD (which most victims suffer from).
Part of PTSD I believe is “adrenal fatigue” look up the following;
Dr Lam. com and Adrneal fatigue .org and also yt vids on adrenal fatigue. look up symptoms of adrneal fatigue. (I have zero affliation to these. When I left my ex my doctor told me I had adrneal fatige and gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue victims)
Change your diet to a healthy diet to flood your body with much needed vitqmins & minerals. There are many books at your library to choice a diet that suits you. Some that heal many are Keto and also Carnivore diet.
see yt Chans: Dr berg, dr eckberg, dr mindy pelz, Nutrition with Judy, Shawn Baker md et etc look up Adrneal fatigue, keto diet, carnivore diet on these as well as other and on Eric bakker Naturopath he has excellent vids on healing the gut. Remember 80% of our health is rooted in our gut health. If we are stressed out gut health is not good leding to poor health. Look up Eric bakkers MEVY diet and also his, Dr Berg, Nutrition with judy etc vids on Kefir and raw sauerkraut (which adds good bacteria back to our gut to improve our health especially after continued stressful events like abusive marraige). Eric bakkers yt ch name just changed but, do a serach on yt fro his vids.
you can make your own kefir, raw sauerkraut or fremented veggies with just SALT & Water see yt ch Marys nest or by at a health food store or trader joes etc read the lable just salt and water is best. For kefir you want plain. See Dr bergs vids on “difference between kefir and yogurt”. Goat milk kefir taste like goat cheese and is suppose to be better then cow kefir but either will help you to rebuild your gut after all the stress you have been under.
Read Donna’s articles on WHY you should not drink, over eat or do drugs etc while healing. (dont push yoru feelings down with these)
Keep reading everything here on Donna & Terry’s wonderful site. And, keep venting & posting asking questions etc.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. Sending you huge hugs!! 💜
November 19, 2022 at 4:28 pm #69078polestarParticipant
Hi Trixxy – everyone has some kind of burden or painful experience to deal with. We admire those who come through adversity and we call them heroes. So the community of survivors is really a community of heroes. You are one too! About the journal that you are writing ( that is fantastic and a wonderful healing tool ) – I love to journal, but have never felt comfortable having my journal around ( even hidden ) in the event it should be found by someone else. For example, a neighbor has died recently and things were found in his house and people were talking about it ( very unkind to do ) but the point is that I would never want anyone else to read my most private thoughts and perceptions – so I daily throw away what I have written. I think the writing itself is the therapeutic part. But that is just me – I really haven’t heard of others throwing away their pages. I thought I would just mention it. Thanks again for sharing. Blessings to you
November 19, 2022 at 6:35 pm #69079
Yes, we admire you. Blessings
November 21, 2022 at 3:23 pm #69095Donna AndersenKeymaster
Trixxy – I am so sorry for your experience. We all know how devastating it is to realize the depth of the lies.
As you come to terms with the truth of your husband’s behavior, it is important to try to keep your behavior the same, at least until you decide what, if anything, you’re going to do. If he starts to realize that he’s losing his grip on you, his bad behavior will likely escalate. It’s best to play your cards close to the vest as long as you can.
November 22, 2022 at 12:15 am #69098
Trixxy As Donna says, it is best to play your cards close to the vest as long as you can. Blessings to you.
November 22, 2022 at 1:56 pm #69103
Hi Trixxy, yes Donna & Sunny make excellent points.
For your safety DO NOT tell him who he is…he knows he is not normal. He knows he is manipulating you intentionally.
For your safety bit your tongue. Avoid arguments with him if possible. He might start a argument to control you & have power over you and also to stress you out intentionally. This is difficult to do. But, if he starts a fight by pushing your buttons go to the bathroom and pretend you are using the bathroom or take a shower, or run to the grocery store etc.
The most dangerous time for a victims of emotional, mental, verbal, physcial abuse is when she is about to leave or has left.
Make sure you look up “Domestic violence Safety & exit plan” and go to your local abuse center for help out of your abusive relationship. PLus read everything on Lovefraud’s home page. Donna has spelled out a good plan to escape & heal.
CLEAR your computer everytime you use it for your safety. If you can use a trusted family member or friends computer to search here at lovefraud and your countries National Violence hotline website.
Take care. 🌺
November 25, 2022 at 3:34 am #69117
Trixxy. This is good advice from Jan. Take good care
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