How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Leaving a company started with a sociopath
November 8, 2019 at 10:25 am #54995
In the lovebombing all-is-great phase of my relationship with a sociopath I agreed to found a company together.
We broke up last year and after the awful first months I now recovered emotionally and want to leave this company, everytime we have to talk it’s literally hell (he tries to intimidate me on many levels, insulting me etc etc) and because honestly I want him out of my life asap.
An important thing to mention is that my presence in this company is fundamental, without me it will certainly fail. This company is the most important thing for him, his life depends on its success (in an unhealthy creepy way you all know only a sociopath can do), and I am aware that an important thing to remember is to ‘do not try to destroy the only thing sociopaths care about, or they will destroy you’.
Do you have any recommendations on how proceed with my exit?
His rage will be obvious, but I’m a bit worried he will overreact in a way I cannot suspect. He already told me he will be my worst enemy and turn everyone against me, I’m not scared about this, I’m mostly worried about his uncontrolled rage and underhand revenge.
If you have any similar experience please let me know!
November 8, 2019 at 6:27 pm #55034polestarParticipant
Hi Ari 85. –
At this moment what I can think of to help you is the book called, ‘ The Five Step Exit ‘ by Amber Ault. She discusses dangerous situations and methods to exit abusive relationships. It does sound like a very serious situation that you are faced with, and that you will need to navigate very carefully. I’ll post again if I get any further ideas that could assist you.
November 8, 2019 at 7:14 pm #55035polestarParticipant
Hi ari85. –
I was wondering if it would be possible to train someone personally to do what you do in the company ? Or else perhaps you could hire someone who could go to the work site and do much of the work, but who could also consult with you via email, so you would not have to have any interaction with your ex ? And then as time passes, you could have less and less to do with the business.
What do you think of that?
November 8, 2019 at 7:47 pm #55036SunnygalParticipant
ari- Gavin De Becker in his book The Gift of Fear says with people who won’t let go doing nothing is a management plan that requires patience and character from the victim. You might get his book.
November 9, 2019 at 11:01 am #55039Donna AndersenKeymaster
ari85 – Yes, you must leave the business, because he will never get better, and will likely get worse. So you need to figure out how to do it.
Yes, he is likely to retaliate, so you need to anticipate what he could do to try to harm you. Most likely it will be to initiate a smear campaign, which means he will spread rumors and lie about you in order to trash your reputation. So I advise that you figure out who he may target. Your current or potential customers? Industry contacts? You might want to contact them in advance, advise them that you are leaving the company and that your soon to be ex partner may try to disparage you.
Do you need to stay in your geographic area or your industry? If leaving one or both is an option, you might want to consider it.
Also, evaluate the possibility that he will take legal action against you. What complaint could he possibly make up? You might want to talk with an attorney.
It might be a good idea to pretend to give in and stay while you figure out your exit strategy.
Here’s what NOT to do: Do not try to discuss leaving with him, and come to some kind of agreement. It won’t happen. You want to make your plans to end the involvement without his knowledge, then when you are ready, leave.
November 9, 2019 at 11:07 am #55041
Thanks a lot for your comments, I really appreciate it.
You’re right! I haven’t thought of that, my instinct is to escape asap but I see it can only infuriate him more because I would send him into direct failure.
The problem is that this is a start-up company, meaning that very little money is in it and it’s mostly a job for free (yes, I ‘worked’ without earning for too long, I feel so stupid and naive, I was totally controlled by him and his ‘promises’. A slave.), so finding another person that could take my place would be very difficult.
I was thinking of giving my resignation and allow around 3 months for handing over to someone else/give him all the tools he needs.
Thinking that I still have to engage with him feels very wrong, every time he screams at me I have to take (now little amounts because I’m getting better) psychiatric drugs, and this summer he got me so stressed that my health got very bad. My body is literally telling me to stop this.
Hi! Many thanks for the recommendation. I checked online and found it very interesting.
Also saw his interview with Oprah and learnt something truly real:
“When you say no and the other person keeps insisting you should think immediately not how you should make the situation nice for him, but asking yourself why is this person trying to control you. No is a real sentence”
As women we’re taught to be nice every time, to not make the other person uncomfortable, this can bring us to dangerous situations, and as the title of the book says ‘Fear is a gift’ to escape from them.
This ties strictly with our damaged patriarchal society and we women have to talk and take care of each others in order to make it a less dangerous place.
Therefore I’m happy places of discussions between us, like this forum, exist.
Thank you, I learnt something important today.
November 9, 2019 at 11:24 am #55042
Many thanks for your reply.
I agree, I was exactly thinking that he will want to trash my reputation.
Luckily we’re not living in the same city and since a couple of months I started getting new contacts independently, which worked positively.
As for the old clients, they were mainly his contacts so I’m prepared to lose them, there’s not much I can do with it and he will always convince them he’s right.
I’d rather lose them than keep this slavery.
And yes, I will come with the resignation without telling him a thing beforehand.
Problem is that he’s starting to understand it (due to my ‘not nice’ responses to his requests – I know I have to pretend until the very last second but sometimes I find it very hard to keep this frustration of slavery inside) and he’s already furious.
He says “I know what you’re doing, you’re faking it until you will leave”
It doesn’t sound good, that’s why I need to be prepared and lose something on the way.
I was also thinking to record his calls, if I have to prove something I will have at least his recorded insults and threats. Otherwise I know no one would believe me.
November 12, 2019 at 6:44 pm #55087monicapzParticipant
Know of a coworker of my sociopath brother who left an otherwise excellent job as an electrical engineer and computer scientist at a top company to save his sanity. From his family, I learned he has no regrets.
The only advice I have for anyone who works for someone else, is when you get an excellent letter of reference, especially from someone outside the company, is to request a copy, and keep the copies at home in a safe place.
Be aware that most people work for a sociopathic boss sooner or later!
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