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loving protective open-eyed mothers of the victim

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #42652

    HOW do you cope when your daughter cannot or will not see? Will not open her eyes? How do you watch cycle after cycle of abuse happen? How do you cope with seeing your daughter devastated, cruelly mistreated, over and over? They are both 20. She’s been in the relationship for 3 years. Since she was 17. So young. We saw what was happening 2 and a half years ago. She has refused to talk about it, so we have watched discard after discard, every 4-6 mths, and then the agony (for us) of the hoovering and knowing she will believe the lies and the false promises, and take him back, for yet another cycle. Each breakup we hope this is the last. That surely she has had enough? And then she ‘gives him another chance’ and those hopes are dashed. It’s agonising.

    Knowing that the question a lot of victims ask themselves afterwards is, ‘why did I stay so long?’, or ‘Why didn’t I get out sooner?’, I know she will regret staying so long when she realises she’s been tricked, that it has all been a farce. When she realises how much he has used her, and how cruel he has been to her intentionally, how much he has robbed her of in her young years. It is the hardest thing in my life at the moment, knowing my daughter is ignoring her intuition, is not respecting or protecting herself, is not acting in her own best interests, and stays willingly in this cage, having given her abuser the key. I wish I could fast track her ability to see what is going on! I can’t bear the thought of watching this be her life for the next 20 years.

    Any open-eyed parents or friends or family out there of closed-eyed daughters? How do you cope with watching her trust someone so untrustworthy and unsafe. How do you cope with knowing this guy is destroying her, and it will take a long time for her to heal? That your 17 years of lovingly nurturing a healthy, strong, confident daughter are being undone by a bastard and she will take years to recover from this, when she decides to acknowledge it.

    Need some fresh perspective please to relieve me from the agony. She’s on about 2 mths post discard so he’ll be starting to devalue her again, and she’ll be trying her hardest to please. I hate what he is doing to our daughter and I am so frustrated that she won’t see, and that we are powerless to help her.
    How do you live with the unknown of how long this is going to take?

  • #42659

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    From what I have learned about addiction, your daughter who is addicted to this guy has to hit bottom and be tired of living this way. Al-Anon has parents of alcoholic children and they are told to release the child and detach. They are told to focus on themselves. You might try Al-Anon. There are online meetings and live meetings.

  • #42661

    thanks Sunnygal. It’s so sad and heart wrenching! I think we have released and detached already, but isn’t that the most unnatural thing in the world to do when your child is in danger and being harmed? All your natural instinct wants to rush in and save them (already tried that, she ran back) and protect them from the abuser ever coming near again. It’s the hardest thing to wait for her to protect herself! I think of the harm that is being done to her every single day that she stays, month after month, year after year. If only there was more hope and strategy than, ‘wait for her to hit rock bottom’. That means ‘wait for her to be just about completely destroyed’. My precious firstborn. Never in a million years would I have thought this would happen to her/us. It has been the most painful 3 years of our lives, watching her be mistreated in this relationship.

  • #42666

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    freedomformydaughter – these relationships are highly addictive. The key it breaking the addiction is No Contact. If he is able to contact her again, it will trigger the biological and psychological addiction that she feels.

    Is your daughter open to learning more about what is happening and how she can escape? The online course that Dr. Amber Ault and I will soon be presenting will help her a lot.

    Roller Coaster Relationship Recovery Online Intensive offers you five weeks of audio seminars and supportive group coaching

    • #42669

      thanks Donna. I will possibly put this course ad on my Facebook page. That is the only way I can think of her possibly seeing it without me crossing a boundary she has put up of me not sending her things. I appreciate all you do to help others.

  • #42667

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    freedom: I’m sure it is extremely difficult. that is why a support group helps. the parents I knoW have benefited from this or other support groups.

    • #42670

      yes I think I would benefit from a support grp. Thanks for the suggestion

  • #42668

    Donna thanks for the reply. That course would definitely catch my eye if I was in my daughter’s situation. Unfortunately she is extremely closed to learning about what is happening to her. She does not want to know. She does not want to talk to anyone (when I have suggested a youth counsellor after a breakup etc). She has asked me to stop sending her things to read (a number of times. Because I try every 6mths to a year). She has told us her relationship is off limits conversation wise. My husband has been telling her to go no contact maybe the last 3 or 4 breakups. Then we get a text saying she’s back with him. ‘He cried, he misses me, he wants me back’ etc etc. I wish she did want to know. There is nobody in her world or ours who has been through as many breakups as she has. And that’s in a lifetime. Hers are all in 3 years! I would be wondering by now if I was her what was wrong with my relationship! And I would be embarrassed at all the breakups. We get glad when we see signs that he’s being mean, because he’s starting to devalue her again after a spectacular love bombing hoover, and so hopefully she will see and believe the real him, but really, who gets glad when their daughter is being mistreated, especially when she takes him back after a cruel, devastating discard, with no change, time and time again?

  • #42672

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Freedom for my daughter – It is probably wise not to bring up the relationship with your daughter – it has the psychological effect of making her defend her position. You should stay in communication with her, but use your communicating to build her self esteem, which is damaged by the relationship.

    The following article may help – be sure to read the links and comments.

    Does anything work in getting a victim away from a sociopath?

  • #42681

    Jan7
    Participant

    Freedomformydaughter, for most victims here at love fraud, we saw & knew something was not right with are partner. But we just could not put our fingers on what exactly. I’m guessing your daughter is the same.

    There were endless times (daily) that I wanted to leave my ex h (a sociopath) but every time I came close, he instinctively knew that I was about to leave and would switched to being a “nice” guy again (for a short period of time). He put his mask back on.

    Then once I was hooked back into the relationship, thinking things were getting better, then he would drop his mask again & expose who he really was = pure evil. Then he started the lovebombing, gas lighting etc etc when I was ready to leave again.

    It’s mentally, emotionally & physically exhausting to be in a relationship with this type of crazy person. Nothing but drama & chaos all day long with a few moments on calmness. So much drama & chaos that most vicim suffer from health issues. Look into adrenal fatigue…sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org will help you to educate yourself on how toxic stress can cause many health issues including anxiety, depression, sleep issues, brain fog, memory loss etc etc most likely your daughter is suffering from these symptoms without really realizing that her bf is causing them and is part of the reason she cant leave him.

    You need to view her boyfriend as a CULT LEADER and your Daughter as a CULT FOLLOWER. This is why it is so difficult for you to get through to her.

    This will give you clarity of how to go about helping her out of her abusive relationship.

    Her bf has literally mind controlled (brain washed) her to stay in the cycle of abuse from day one. He’s a manipulative con artist. She has become accustom to the roller coaster of tension building, fighting to calm to tension building cycle over & over. She knows that the calm will be coming. This is her “reward” so she waits & puts up with all the chaos & drama. Read up on the “Domestic abuse power & control wheel”.

    How do you help her?

    1) NEVER EVER say anything bad about her boyfriend!!!!!

    Why? Because you will bond her more to him. Which will make it harder for her to leave him. He has manipulated her to protect him since day one. Most likely gave her a “sociopath pity play” story (do a search on love fraud” to make her feel sorry for him. SO if you belittle him she will protect him subconsciously even if she knows what you are saying is true.

    2) Ask her questions to open up her mind from her abusers mind control (brain washing)?

    Ask her just one question each time you see her. Then let her think about the question. Dont push her to answer. You are planting seeds in her mind to step out of the brain washing mode she is in.

    In the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan (a cult & domestic abuse expert) he states this = ask the vicim questions. This is a good book for you to purchase. Do a search on Lovefraud on Steven Hassan, Donna has a post on this book. A few times without people actually knowing what they were helping me by asking me questions. Those questions did open up my mind down the road. I though of these questions almost every time we fought. If someone would have asked questions frequently I think it really would have helped me to see the truth sooner along with sites like Lovefraud.

    “Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional, mental & verbal abuse not physical?”

    (explain to her what gas lighting abuse (see love fraud) is, what emotional & mental abuse is = see the National domestic abuse hotline website for a simple explanation)

    “Did you know that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths?”

    “Do you know how to recognize a sociopath…then share with her all the traits of a sociopath?

    “Do you know what gas lighting abuse is?” then explain what gas lighting abuse is. See Love fraud & the net.

    (again DONT say you think her bf is a sociopath!! just plant the seeds in her mind to figure it out on her own.

    Like Donna states in her post the most important thing is to get the victim of abuse EDUCATED on sociopathic abuse & sociopathic behavior.This will open her mind up!!

    I would recommend that you purchase Donna’s book Love Fraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. When your daughter comes to visit you have a list of sociopath traits for her to read & discuss. Again dont say anything about her bf.

    I know if someone would have guided me to Lovefraud or the workshops Donna has posted I would have looked at them. I might not have understood everything because I was under so much stress the brain fog was really keeping me from seeing the truth. But I would have each time we fought gone back to read Love Fraud or Donna’s book. I think if your daughter lives with her bf DONT let her take Love Fraud book home for her safety.

    Also teach your daughter to clear the history on her computer if she choses to look at Love fraud.

    I am very proud of you for doing your research & now posting here at Lovefraud for help!!! So many family members just “detach”, I think this is the wrong solution for domestic abuse!! The vicim needs help out of the relationship!! The family to a abuse vicim is their life line out of the abusive relationship so please remain attached to her.

    Most victims I believe would leave their abuser if they knew the truth = their mate is a sociopath!

    Please remember that most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she is either ready to leave her abuser or has just left. So look at the National domestic violence website to learn more how to help protect her.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #42691

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    freedom: I have seen young addicts recover when they were in support groups with other young addicts. you might encourage your daughter to find a 12 step program when the relationship is off. it might help her see a different way of life.

  • #42699

    Jan7
    Participant

    Freedomformydaughter, although a victim of a sociopath becomes “addicted” to their abuser, it is far more complicated then that. With an alcoholic the alcohol is NOT manipulating, brain washing them, using gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment nor pathological lying to control them like a abuser is doing to their victims. SO I really dont think a 12 step program is the right direction for your daughter. I dont think there is one for abusive relationships anyways.

    Donna has a video interview with a therapist name “Glenn” (??) I will look the name up. It would be better if you can afford it is to have your daughter have a conversation with this therapist or even with Donna Anderson her self to help your daughter see what is really going on in her abusive relationship. If you go to the contact tab up at the top of Lovefraud you can find info on Donna Anderson consolation program & her price.

    • #42700

      Jan7
      Participant

      The therapist name is Mary Ann Glynn. IF you go to the home page of Lovefraud, then down to the yellow box area & click on the yellow box “Professional resources”. Then scroll down to read Mary Ann’s back ground & her contact info. Also do a search on Lovefraud (top right corner) to see her interview with Donna Anderson.

  • #42708

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    freedom: Some here were involved with abusers who were in a cult. i was not. my abuser was just an individual psychopath. addicts are addicts IMO. alcohol is just as seductive and manipulative to the alcoholic as the abuser is to the victim. therapy works for some. the important thing, of course, is for your daughter to find a healthy way of life.

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