How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Making a break from my narcissist
January 12, 2021 at 8:59 pm #64850
I’ve been involved in a long distance relationship with a narcissist for 7 years and recently decided enough was enough. After he berated me for wanting more of him I literally decided I would not allow him to treat me this way any longer. It was as if I was possessed. I woke up very early and could not dial his number fast enough. c
He was driving somewhere saying he had to take care of some business. With that, I said, “I cannot do this anymore and will not allow you to treat me this way.” I went on to say that he’s had every opportunity to travel to see me and I cannot be the only one participating in this relationship. I said, “when you leave something on the stove unattended it either evaporates or boils over.” He gave a big sigh and said, “I WILL call you later.” I said, “No, don’t.” He replied, “I don’t take no for an answer.” And in my final wordsI told him “it is not your decision.” I have to believe letting him know it was no longer his decision was a huge blow to his ego. That is the one thing I hold on to in order to maintain any triumph for myself. Crazy but after my brave move I still have thoughts of him. He tried calling, but I did not answer nor did he leave a message and again I feel victory knowing he attempted to contact me, yet I rebuked him. The constant I hold near and dear is that I no longer feel the anxiety I did during all of our time together and that is a truly good feeling. I’m guessing he is with his new source of supply since my gut was telling me that probably was happening as he became more distant in our final months together. Looking back I now see all of the textbook signs he displayed over the years, yet I was too star struck to see this in the beginning. Once I felt things were not quite right I was in the thick of it and addicted to his attention and his fake charm. Lots of reading and blogs such as these keep me sane and I vow not to give in or fall off the wagon because I remember what the constant anxiety and pit in my stomach felt like. Besides, I feel empowered being the one that discarded him! I know in my heart he will never truly be happy because that emotion is not in his DNA!
Thank you for listening🙏
January 12, 2021 at 9:16 pm #64851
BRAVO Fun,..you hon found your gumption!!
It’s not easy to maintain the NO CONTRACT RULE (look this up here on lf & net) but this is your ticket to peace & calm.
He will now attempt to win you back…only to discard you, to have power over you. REMEMBER that DO NOT GIVE him your power.
WHen you are sad, mad angry come here an vent vs calling him. If you call him he will jsut lie & manipulate over & over on the phone & twist your mind up by blaming you for all the relationship problems.
KEep reading everything here a lF this is a library full of info that will help you heal.
Look up on the net Gavin debecker Oprah you tube interview…this will remind you to always listen to your gut. YOU know who he is and you know that he will NEVER EVER change…keep the no contract rule in place. Pick up some hobbies to keep your mind occupied.
Wishing you all the best. YOU are stronger then you know…you will get thru the pain & thrive again without him.
January 12, 2021 at 9:18 pm #64852
if you are looking for a good movie to watch about finding your strengh: The JOy Luck club and also The HOliday with Cameron Diaz are good. each has a narcisist in the movie but are about strenght for the victim. Kate’s character dates a narcisist but finally finds her gumption.
January 12, 2021 at 10:28 pm #64853
Thank you Jan7 for your encouraging words and recommendations. In my 7 years with this narcissist there were dumb excuses, lies, the silent treatment, chaos, empty promises and NEVER any follow through. Funny, as so many other stories describe “great sex” there was not even that during our time together. I recall after our first intimate time together I thought “this was the worst sex I ever had.” I felt like I was just his receptacle for his sperm! Very little emotion on his part and he could have cared less about what I needed. Given it was a long distance relationship I guess I even let that go and instead became addicted to his charm during our phone conversations. I now realize “normal” people don’t treat people this way and being one of those “normal” people we cannot understand how anyone would behave the way a narcissist behaves. Lots of “ah, ha” moments to reflect on for sure! The sadness for me is feeling emotionally raped and I hate him for that, yet I know I’m in a much better place without his mental abuse. Thanks again for listening to me vent……it helps.
January 13, 2021 at 11:08 am #64859emilie18Participant
Good for you, Funlove — and congratulations. Now the trick is to STAY STRONG! Jan is right – he will launch a campaign to win you back, but his only goal is to WIN. He wants to be the dumper – not the dumped. Right now he might be distracted by a new source, but that won’t last..so be aware and block his every access to you. You may even want to change your phone number, email account and for sure block him on social media. Clean start, fresh beginnings and no contact…it is the fastest way to heal. And venting, journaling, hitting pillows, screaming at the sky – whatever lets those very real and painful emotions out. And – most important – being VERY good to yourself.
Wishing you the best. You can do this!
January 13, 2021 at 12:49 pm #64861
Thank you Emilie18. I know the best is ahead of me, yet I also know the road of NC is a challenge. I’ve tried in the past, but have never felt this strong about creating my boundaries and making MY decision until now. I’d be lying if I said I have no thoughts of him anymore, yet I also realize I would only get back on the same old treadmill of lies and anxiety if I broke my NC. Like I’ve said on my posts, my empowerment is telling him “it’s not your decision.” That had to bruise his ego at least in the moment. And for that I am finally proud of my strength.
I do find comfort in journaling, listening to music, cooking and completing home projects. As much as it feels like losing a piece of me without our long and sometimes soulful conversations, love should not equal pain.
Again, thank you for listening and offering your encouragement.
January 13, 2021 at 1:58 pm #64862
Hello Fun, look up these here on LF & net:
gas lighting abuse
idolize devalue discard (this is they cycle of abuse if you take them back)
sociopath smear campaign
Emilie 18 always has great advice & encouraging words to take to heart. Write them down & put on your bathroom mirror and next to where you put your phone so you can see them if he tries to contact you.
BEST to block him on all social media & your phone & text.It’s heard to do this because you want to know what he is up to…but you already know what he is doing ….lying & conning someone new…she is a victim too. Keep the No contact rule in place = peace & calm in your life.
Sending you huge hugs. Take care.
January 13, 2021 at 2:02 pm #64863
Hello 🌸Fun, my ex too was the same when it came to sex. I have read only a few others that say the same here on Lovefraud. It was always about him & very very quick. I told him when I left him that he “sucked in bed” lol. 😂 and that felt good. But, for you stay no contact it’s the best.
January 14, 2021 at 11:27 am #64879
Yes Jan7, I’m surprised to hear there aren’t more stories about selfish sex compared to the ones that claim great sex was the thing that had them coming back to the N’s web. My N used to brag about being well endowed, yet that being true (probably the only truth he told) he had little finesse when it came to making love……couldn’t even fake it. What he did have was charm and the ability to feign kindness and caring. We went through several life events like medical events and the loss of my mother and he always seemed to be kind and sympathetic. That’s what I miss, however it wouldn’t take long to see the old patterns come back after a short time. In the beginning I was feisty and would call him on his crap. I told him he was arrogant and full of himself and I told him I was not the type of woman he was used to- not the “yes sir, no sir, how high sir doormat.” I think he enjoyed that side of me and it was a challenge for him. Over time I know he wore me down and I became exhausted from the chaos and from trying to stay one step ahead of him and I would just let things go. After the silent treatment I was just happy to get back to talking and hearing his voice…..there was a sense of peace for me probably feeling less chaos in my gut so I felt “normal” again- ha, what a joke! Needless to say, there were many times I threatened to leave or step aside until he got his act together, yet he always convinced me to stay. I was probably better off than most having the miles between us. At least that seems to help now.
This time my decision to leave is different from any other times that I just made the threat. It is different because I decided to love myself first, respect myself and not allow him or any man to treat me this way. It was my decision and I let him know that in no uncertain terms. I definitely have the better life as he continues to find women to move in with having no real place of his own except for long term motel rentals here and there. He also has consequences from recent DUI’s typically happening when he’s had a bad break-up /divorce or a woman tosses him out on his ear. He painted a beautiful picture of moving to my state and my home describing all the things we would do together. He should have been an artist- he certainly painted a wonderful life for us together, yet there was no action on his part. So you ask, why me? My part in this stems from growing up in a very dysfunctional household/family. I was the oldest and looked out for my younger siblings and always tried to make things better or “fix” things, hence if I loved a man enough they would miraculously change or become better people. I dismissed any negatives thinking I could be the change in their life. I also think there was a part of me addicted or conditioned to drama, dysfunction and chaos – heck, I grew up on that day in and day out. With a good amount of therapy and tons of reading I’ve finally recognized I need more for myself. I have great friends that care about me, think I’m smart, strong, sassy and fun to be around. In fact I’m everything my N is not even though his huge ego tells him otherwise. My son told me a long time ago I need to be done with my N or it would jeopardize our relationship. After keeping my relationship with my N on the down low, I now realize losing my son and his family would literally kill me and my N would never fill that loss.
That’s when I decided this time would be and had to be different….my decision, no pleading letters or voicemail messages and no contact, period. Way back when I could not fully understand what the heck was going on or what my fog was about I found myself reading every book I could get my hands on regarding sociopaths, personality disorders and narcissists. My N fit all of these and was textbook. Of course even after that, I thought he could be “fixed.” This time I am re-reading two books….”when Love is a Lie” by Zari Ballard and “Psychopath Free” by Peace. These help reinforce everything I’ve experienced and everything I now know to be true. In fact, Zara Ballard referenced LoveFraud and talked about her first posts. Posting here is the one thing I’ve never done, but having done so now as you can see the words are spilling out of me which is cathartic. I also find it stirs up more memories which I’m guessing is natural. That said, I sometimes feel I want to put the memories to rest so I’m not sure what is best right now except for NC. I so appreciate any of you reading my long winded post and hope I’m also helping someone else find their strength through my story.
In closing, be well, love yourself first and stay strong. Feeling less anxiety is amazing…..it clears your head for so many other things that are much, much better and satisfying! Thanks again for allowing me to vent!
January 20, 2021 at 11:54 pm #64897
Star struck – yes that is a really good way to put it!
My ex was terrible in bed too. No emotional connection and no interest in my enjoyment. Sex to them is basically just masturbation using another person’s body as a tool. There is no shared experience.
January 21, 2021 at 10:21 am #64906
Good to hear there are more stories like mine when it comes to terrible intimacy/ sex on the narcissist’s part.
In hindsight I guess now I realize they have no emotions running through their veins so why would sex be any different. My N would always say it was “beautiful” yet again he was just mimicking what he thought a woman wanted to hear.
Good grief it must be exhausting to be an N – continuously plotting what to say and what to pretend to feel. Exhausting to the “normal” person, yet this manipulation fuels the N. This manufactured energy replaces real feelings and emotions that they have no capability of experiencing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts sept4!
January 21, 2021 at 11:55 am #64908
Funluv yes I believe they are incapable of feeling genuine love and genuine emotional connection. So they have to feign these to keep a relationship going.
I don’t believe they have no emotions though. I think they have strong emotions but they are very dark. Anger, dominance, power, control, revenge. I also believe they experience joy when they hurt or control or manipulate people (sadism).
As to sex I wonder if the people experiencing great sex with sociopaths are drawn to a dominant/submissive dynamic. If that kind of dom/sub energy connection turns you on then a sociopath would fit right into that dominant role. So maybe that explains it. They would enjoy sex with a sociopath more than with a normal person because the sociopath naturally has that dominant energy and wants to control and dominate in bed.
Whereas people who prefer just basic vanilla sex where both people are in equal roles and where sex is based more on emotional connection with equal energy, feel disappointed in bed with a sociopath because he is not capable of that kind of connection.
January 21, 2021 at 5:26 pm #64912
Sept4……you made a great point in pointing out the N’s more destructive emotions. I wasn’t thinking about all of those emotions they use day in and day out in such negative ways.
Your point about the domination during sex also got me thinking. My ex once said “rough” sex turned him on, saying some women liked it that way. Again, all about power and control. This didn’t happen with him and I, but it gave me pause thinking he could just blurt this out so easily. Now that I think of it he was probably trying to plant a seed thinking if I loved him enough I would submit to any of his wildest dreams.
Like I’ve Said, their brains would be a very interesting experiment to explore.
January 22, 2021 at 10:26 am #64918
Just thought I would post a question for those of you that have successfully broken away from your N. I’ve posted my situation and NC attempt, yet sometimes writing about everything seems to stir up old memories and has a tendency to weaken my strength. I have not made any attempts to contact my ex, nor do a I intend to, yet I’m curious as to your feedback and helpful ideas on what keeps you strong, what motivates you, what helps you and whether or not you have moved on to a normal relationship?
In a sense I feel I have become quite the scholar on sociopaths/narcissists, yet I’m always curious on other ways to tame the beast 😊 Thanks in advance for anything you can contribute.
January 24, 2021 at 9:12 am #64922
Funluv I came across this article about sociopaths and sex.
The forum doesn’t let me post the link but it should come up if you google this:
Psychology Today Sex and the Psychopath
January 24, 2021 at 9:27 am #64923
Funluv as to your question – I have been NC for many years and have grown much stronger but am still not fully healed.
The first few years I craved contact with my ex because I still had hope for some type of genuine interaction or remorse or love or empathy or even just basic human decency. Eventually I realized it was impossible. Every communication from him was either a lie or a manipulation or a threat. Once I realized that, NC was easy because I just wanted peace.
I have dated around a bit and talked to men online and met some for dates but have not found a new relationship. I think my standards are too high now.
I have studied the red flags for sociopathy so I can avoid these types in the future. Luckily I have not met any new ones to my knowledge. I think they sense that I am no longer vulnerable to them so they pass me by as a target.
January 25, 2021 at 1:33 am #64952
sept4- This article you recommended was simply stunning in the similarities I found. As I recounted past conversations with my ex they resembled and made sense in everything the article had to say. My ex had short lived marriages and relationships. In fact he had said his ex wife accused him of cheating. Big red flag you would think, but no, I just listened to his side and chose to dismiss it. Women tend to have a pretty good grip on their intuition and I would venture to guess given all I’ve since learned her suspicions were accurate. He also mentioned the rough sex and that sometimes he just needed to release his aggressions. He said if a woman loved and understood him she would understand his needs. Again, big red flag, yet I thought if he cared about me he would be sensitive in that area. Again, the article certainly made sense of all of this. He had also mentioned he got bored at times…..another signal. I have to wonder if he actually realized some of these things about himself and kept searching for the right woman to understand him? My other thoughts are that all of it was part of the grooming process and consciously planting seeds that say, “if you love me you will do this or understand that.” And being in the thick of this sort of brainwashing I want to prove I am “that” woman who will love and understand. Wow, what a sorted mess!
There are times I wish I could remove my brain so I would not be obsessed with figuring everything out. I truly know the reality of it all, yet the emotions take longer to heal. There is still a part of me that cannot believe some of our more tender conversations were a lie. I want to believe there is some piece of goodness in everyone. The only constant I know to be true right now is that I don’t have the anxiety that was there when we were together. I know with the pandemic and all I have much too much time to think and analyze, yet I have no desire to break the NC and end up back on the hamster wheel going round and round.
sept4 – you have no idea how enlightening this article was. Thank you so much……it means a lot to me. Being able to post on this site helps because if friends have never experienced being involved with a sociopath/ narcissist they cannot relate to what it means to be brainwashed and emotionally raped by this type of person.
I know my posts get long-winded, so I thank everyone for their support, comments and understanding. This can be a very tough road. Thanks again……
January 25, 2021 at 1:48 am #64953
sep4 – Thanks for sharing your thoughts on how things have been for you in the “post N” part of your life. Having higher standards is a very good thing given what you have experienced. I totally can relate for wanting some human decency from our exes. Having what I thought were meaningful conversations with my ex I always had hope that there was some decency deep within him. I know now they can switch out women to meet their needs as if we were interchangeable parts.
I think it would be very enlightening and fun if all of us that post here could go on a healing retreat and actually meet in person and help each other heal. The power in numbers and the strength in each other would be amazing. Just thinking out loud……
January 25, 2021 at 11:15 am #64955
Another thought to add to my previous posts regarding my ah, ha moments……
I find it’s much easier to see all of the red flags in hindsight and put the pieces of the puzzle together when we don’t have the chaos, constant chatter in our ears and word salad coming from our exes. A quiet mind can now process and realize the so-called relationship for what it really was……a lie!
January 26, 2021 at 2:02 pm #64967monicapzParticipant
Please search “trauma bonding” on your search engine (Google) and on YouTube.
This explains how hard it is to let go and how to go no contact, heal and let go.
January 26, 2021 at 4:50 pm #64968
Monica yes it is a trauma bond. Very difficult to break free from that bond.
Same dynamic as in Stockholm Syndrome and Battered Women Syndrome.
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