January 16, 2020 at 10:27 am #55754newlifeParticipant
This is my first post. I am only 4 weeks away from a wife of only 8 weeks. We first started in October of 2018 and everything seemed like a fairytale. She kept saying that we were so matched up and she loved me. I was “love bombed” until February of 2019. We then had our first break up. She convinced me that it was because I was not showing her all of the texts that I was doing with my ex-wife that I had to do to have time with my kids. She stated that this was a form of lying and that I was a lier in general. We then reconciled but not really resolved her trust issues with me despite me showing her everything that she wanted to see.
The a cycle of every 2-4 weeks there was a huge fight where she would not talk to me for 2-3 days at a time started. A couple of times we broke up but then a week later she would be back like nothing happened and these fights were never fully resolved even if I tried to talk to her about it she would just say that she is over it. The interesting thing is the next fight she would bring up whatever transgression that she thought I had done in the past arguments and then it would escalate each time. So each fight was worse than the prior one.
At one point in October of 2019 she got really mad that I wanted to have dinner with my old boss that had been a friend of mine for 20 years. She had not met this prior boss yet and I started to talk to her about going to dinner with this my previous boss and was about to invite her then she blew up saying that I never invite her to anything and that I should not be friends with this previous boss anymore. She convinced me to stop being friends with this person. Then during the next few days where we were “fighting” and she wasn’t talking to me she went out with a “newer” friend and had sex with him. She told me that it was because I wasn’t meeting her needs in the bedroom. She then noted that because she had sex with this guy she felt better and it was good for our relationship. over the course of a couple of weeks she tried to convince me that her having sex with other people would be good for our relationship. Somehow 2 weeks later she convinced me to marry her. (I still am so mad at myself for agreeing to this!)
At this point I was in therapy because I was starting to feel so confused.
I asked the therapist to help me work on my issues that were causing problems with my relationship thinking that it was my fault. During the first week of therapy she asked me to have her write down what her needs in the relationship were. She took 3 weeks to respond and her response was to become polyamorous. This was texted to me so then I let my therapist look at the arguments that we had been having over text for the past couple of months. The therapist noted that my now wife was showing traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder based of of these texts. 1 week later I got an ultimatum that she either gets to have sex with other guys or divorce. (this was 6 weeks into the marriage) She then left for a week and during that week the texts I got from her were all about divorce. I then filed for divorce and the day after I did that she was back in our apartment like nothing had happened. I told her that I filed for divorce and she started to blame me for wanting the divorce and that I was not fighting hard enough for her. She then poured a beer on my head and hit me in the head with a beer bottle. Unfortunately I did not call the police. 2 nights later she had my phone and was looking through it and started reading texts between a home consultant and myself (we were building a house together) and accused me of having an affair with this person. There was not evidence of that in the texts whatsoever. I then asked for my phone back as she was getting very upset and shaking so I asked a few more times and then tried to take the phone away. She started to physically fight with me and fell down (this was acting on her part) she then said that I broke her finger and that if I didn’t revoke the divorce she was going to call the police and have me thrown in jail. We then talked for an hour and at the end of it I told her that I still wanted a divorce. She then called 911. I was asked to leave for the night. I tried to come back 2 nights later to get some clothes. We had texted all day to make sure that we both had second parties present. When I got there I started to get my stuff out of the garage and kitchen when she then came out of our bedroom and started screaming at me that I couldn’t be there. She had filed for a Protective order that day stating that I had been raping her and mentally abusing her for the past year. She called the police and also told them that I shoved her to get into the apartment. Luckily I had audio recorded the entire thing and my brother was with me as a witness.
Now marks 4 weeks without contact from her because of the Protective order. It has been great. The only problem is that 2 days before the hearing on the protective order (I was fighting it because I did not rape her or mentally abuse her) she had the protective order removed. I fear now that she is going to try to contact me. I am going to only contact her through my attorney to finalize the divorce as I feel more normal now than I have in over a year. It amazes me how much I was not myself during this past year and I didn’t realize it. Even with my brother and kids noting that I wasn’t my usual happy go lucky self I still couldn’t see it until I was away from her for 2-3 weeks. Now anytime I see pictures of her or have to go near that old apartment is the only time that I feel a little bit of anxiety. I had anxiety for the past 9 months and that was weird for me as I have never had it before and I’m over 40 years old.
I hope that I can maintain no contact as much as possible as we finalize this divorce. I’m going to look up the articles on no contact and see if I can learn some things to do during this period. Any advice is welcome! If you made it this far thanks for reading, hopefully my stream of consciousness made sense. Sometimes it feels as if this past year didn’t make any sense. But from what I have read that is normal?
January 16, 2020 at 2:01 pm #55759Donna AndersenKeymaster
Newlife – Welcome to Lovefraud. I am very glad that you found this website. I am also glad that your therapist identified that your soon to be ex wife is disordered (I agree), and that you are getting a divorce.
The key to No Contact is — NO CONTACT!. You are right to only communicate via your attorney. Do not talk to her directly for any reason. In fact, you might want to plan in advance what you will do if she suddenly calls or shows up – sometimes sociopaths try to do that. If you are prepared and know what you will do, if the time comes, you can simply execute your plan.
Stay strong! You certainly deserve better!
January 17, 2020 at 7:49 pm #55775polestarParticipant
Hi newlife – Congratulations – you have gone No Contact, you have support from your therapist and have an attorney as you proceed with your divorce. Absolutely perfect ! Just beware of any method that she may try to contact you and make sure you are covered. Also be sure to block your phone or any access to you via the internet. You have probably done this already, but just in case you haven’t – you will get tremendous peace of mind by having no idea if she is even trying to contact you. I am sorry that you had to endure such insanity. Keep up the good work, and if you just need to get things off your chest ( so to speak ), we are here for you.
Blessings to you
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