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Reading through and I feel my story is like so many others. I met my Sociopath on a video game as I was going through my divorce. I was not ready for a relationship, but as I vented to this person, he quickly became everything I wanted and could dream of. Within weeks he said I love you first, he never called me by my name and always called me baby (realizing now this is probably a tactic not to get names mixed up from all of the other girls) he doted on me, filled my phone with beautiful messages, gifs, you name it. Of course when he talked about exes and family the pity party was ON! All of his exes were cheating whores, they drank and partied and he caught them sleeping even with his own twin brother! His mom abandoned him and his dad was a drunk, no one loved him, he grew up alone etc etc.. We did long distance and I was not sure I was ready, but he insisted he was going to move from Ca to Florida to be with me and be the man me and my 2 kids needed. This was 3 months after we met. I was already head over HEELS crazy about him and had never been so in love in my life. I was still going through my separation and divorce and ex and I were still living together, so I told him no. To wait until I have my own place.
December rolls around and I finally find him on social media. I scrolled way back on his FB to see pictures of a toddler with a message of this being his son. Who’s son? Not my bf, probably his ex gf kid he’s claiming. Nope confront him and he has a son that he gave up for adoption because he was 17 when he and the gf had the baby. And he didn’t want to tell me because he loved me so much and was terrified to lose me. (First noticeable red flag I mean there are others but this was in the moment before I was discarded and learned about sociopaths.)Fast forward ex husband (not officially divorced) moves out in April and this guy is supposed to come visit in May. I buy the plane ticket for him, because i’m an idiot, but got insurance on it because at least maybe not that big of an idiot. And he no shows. Says that he cannot come now because he has an arrest warrant for a DUI that he never handled years prior. Research some more and sure enough, he had a DUI and a probation violation for said dui for no showing to court. (dear god why did I NOT leave then) he begged and begged me to stay saying the same thing as before that this was his past life and he has changed since he met me, he is going back to college and getting his life right, but as soon as he clears up his dui and warrant he will come visit. So I am devastated, but I am NOT chasing this man at this point, I have a great job and kids and he has no obligations except a few classes, I am waiting for him to come here. So I am ok with the long distance since I am still not legally divorced, I take this time to focus on me and advance my career etc.
August comes around, “hey I am clear to travel, I bought a plane ticket I am coming to see you at the end of the month”-even picks out a concert we can go to while he is visiting…No shows again, I think his Nana was sick this time. Promises to come again in October, the week of my daughter’s birthday. No shows again and said he had to go to the emergency room for a severe infection. Which causes me to be severely depressed and still feel regret because I let that ruin my daughters bday. At this point I have pulled back and started no contact on my own, because im like ok I am being had. So unbeknownst to me, this drove him crazier for me, he laid it on and he told his “truth” that the reason he could not come see me was he had an ankle bracelet on for violating the probation so he cannot leave…(this is embarrassing as I write this I feel so dumb!!) So my divorce was final in November, I wanted to enjoy the holidays with my kids as it was our first with their dad not in the home and I thought ok we are going on a year and a half long distance now, I am just curious to meet this guy to see if he is even real, since all of my friends are saying Im being catfished.
So I fly out to Ca, rent a car and drive out to meet him. He’s a nervous wreck and wreaks of cigarettes, when he told me he doesn’t smoke…never got invited to his apt (probably because another woman was there) and we set off to go adventuring in Ca. Yosemite and back to San Fran for a few days. (and yes he had on the jail anklet). Never met his family even when I asked he said they were busy, but I made a FB post with us and tagged him and his dad said when are we going to meet her!? There was definitely some first meeting awkwardness. we bonded so well, emotionally but physically I was not sure that he liked me as I was a little older and a little chubby, he professed his love and his words were beautiful, but I was honestly thinking I was going back to FL and never hearing from him again. We did not have sex on my first visit out there as he stated he was too shy and needed to get to know me a little better and was afraid since it had been so long since he had been with a woman it would be over too soon. I actually ran out of the hotel room crying and went for a walk, because I felt so rejected sexually. (now looking back I believe this is his tactic to get women to think he will not cheat!!!!! because everytime I would ask him about cheating when I started getting suspicious, he would be like “babe you know how shy I am!”
Lo and behold we get closer after this, I seriously thought he was not into me at all, he loves it up like im the best thing in the world, I go back a few more times and he confesses that he has a massive fear of flying and has really bad anxiety attacks so he cant fly… and then I put my foot down that I am spending all of this money always going there, He has to come here to at least visit! So he decides he is not visiting and he is moving here and will fly in July to move here.
Two weeks before he is supposed to move here, his phone breaks…we talk online still so I get him a new one on my account. He starts being super standoffish and I get the silent treatment. When I confront him I get told how needy I am and I am always so needy and that I should know by now he needs his alone time. He has finals and needs to study. So that idiot not realizing that I can see everything he is doing on the phone, I open up my phone records and see he has been texting this number all day everyday all day and night for the past week (since he started the silent treatment to study). My girlfriend pops the number in her phone as a contact and it comes up as another girl named Alexis in snapchat. I confront him and he ghosts me!!! we are in 2 years and he ghosts me a week or so before he is supposed to be moving here. So ofc I am going off on him, How can you ghost someone you’ve been talking to for over two years, I want closure!
After about 5 days of him not responding, He finally agrees to call. So we talk and he basically says the girl was just a friend, her dad was an alcoholic too and they were just talking about it and he needed a friend since he was giving up his whole life to come to FL he chickened out etc, etc, and that they did mess around, but it was nothing serious. So I break it off that night and tell him Goodbye!
He calls me at 530 am crying and begging me to come get him saying im the love of his life, he promises he will never cheat and he cant imagine life without me. ( I know im so dumb) I fall for it, buy the ticket and two weeks later we are road tripping from Ca to Fl. It was absolutely amazing!
He was supposed to get his own apt after moving here so we could take more time to get the kids and him to know each other etc, but ofc things came up and he couldn’t move out. we were a family, we did trick or treating and family pics together Christmas trees the whole 9 yards, I was SO happy, the happiest I have ever been. Fast forward to April and he finally decides I guess that he wants to live here, I helped him do all of this paperwork to get his drivers license in Fl bc of the DUI in Ca. he has to basically sign this paper promising he will not drive in Ca for three years and he can never get his CA license back unless he completes the DUI class in CA. So he gets a License and a new car (I did not pay for this he did) and applies to be a Lyft driver.
I was still working nights, so he would work nights too and get home in time to get the kids to school in the morning. (Now I believe he was actually spending the night with other women during this time he was supposed to be working) So my year of working nights was over in July and I am back on day shift, this is when everything got weird and I truly believe it was because he could get away with more when I worked at night!, he started snapping at my kids and dogs about how my dog is whiny and my kids never help with chores, witholding sex, and I was baffled, he would not even touch me, but when I brought it up to work on it he would just blame everyone and tell me I am too sensitive, I knew he has anxiety and he cant take a lot of commotion etc (my kids were both 10+ so not like these are toddlers and they are very good!) And I would want to talk about it and he would just apologize and say he was sorry and that everything was fine that I just overthink! And I am codependent and need to work on our space..He just needs to do better in school so he can support me etc etc. Then all of the sudden out of the blue in Oct he TEXTS me at work and tells me he is moving out, that he is failing his online classes and he cannot study here, that he needs his own apt and that he promises he loves me but he feels we missed that important dating step of transitioning from long distance to in person. Im heartbroken and I tried to break it off then and there and he BEGS me to stay that he loves me, he promises! ( not to mention we had financials setup for everything to be half, so him leaving that soon almost messed me up, but I cancelled the big things like his sports package and our ymca membership and lucky I didnt get the new car he kept telling me I deserved)
We date again and the sex is great again, I sneak over like a school girl and its really fun for a few months. He still left 90% of his belongings at my house. He comes over all the time, we still do all of our family things together etc. We take a big trip to the mountains for my bday and the kids holiday vacation. Then In January boom. Went from seeing each other 3/4 times a week to none, and here come the excuses, his anxiety is back, he’s in the ER from stomach issues (he ALWAYS had stomach issues but I left a lot of that out to shorten the story or every other month Id be talking about him shitting and needing to go to the hospital). He says he is depressed and no one in his family even checks on him. yada yada this goes on and I try to call it off several times like we should be friends, I just dont get you. I tried showing up at his apt to catch him, but he was always ready. I would scare the shit out of him and he told me it was his anxiety that he would hyper focus on coding and get anxiety from his “bubble” being popped. And I always kept that image of shy guy in my head and doubted he would EVER cheat in person and actually thought it was an online relationship.
Fast forward to every holiday between Jan and July and he was with me and the kids telling me that he would spend the days with me and he had to work nights and study.
July 26 our 4 year anniversary he refuses to spend the night and says he is tired. I am like no way in Hell buddy, promises me he will be over first thing in the morning. (He does and he actually pays for dinner this time! ). I call ATT to get the phone records because although its in my name its registered to his email address for the bill and he had 2fa on the account, so I had to wait for them to MAIL them to me.
Friday 31 July, I sit down with the mail, elated at first because all the numbers I look at for texting are doordash numbers, Im like ok, I think he is good. (keep in mind these only show calls and texts OFF network so anything on wifi does not show up on the paper bill) then I start to see calls, late night calls when we were on trips (obviously when I was asleep) and I added the number in my phone and saw on snap chat it was a girl named Melody, noticed her liking his things on twitter a while back but did not think twice, well now Im thinking so I scroll back and its amazing what people post! Her twitter pretty much has her announcing that she met her lyft driver and progresses the story of their love, how they have crezy 50 shades of grey sex (shes pretty forward on twitter apparently) and guess what SHES GETTING MARRIED TO HIM!!!!! Now she is ALSO a single mom.
So I know he cannot get out of this one, I dont let him know I know, I show up at his house with my overnight bag on Friday. Surprise baby Im gonna spend the night. He was outside when I got there and ofc didnt want me to go up…I very angrily said Im going in your fucking apt. Went in, used the bathroom and looked for signs of anything, IT WAS CLEAN, no feminine products no extra Toothbrush nothing. So he promised me he would come over to the house (and that was always his excuse he stopped inviting me over to the apt bc home was our home and his apt was shit and it was) so he came over and we had fun time and I had his guard down and then boom asked him who melody was, ofc he tried lying, a friend on twitter, a friend he met with Lyft..long story short they “messed around a couple times” he “cried” and apologized and I told him it was over I could not forgive him etc etc. He did not even act sorry ..he tried to fake cry but his words were empty, it was pretty much like ok cool you caught me, now let me watch you self destruct! Next morning I got a text that he needs to have some time to focus on himself, so I decided I was going to text Melody to let her know what she is up against. At first she accuses me of lying, taking all of his money, Im the crazy ex now. So I had to add her to my FB so she could see everything and send her screenshots proving I was with him. (he had her blocked on FB and he used the same pw for everything so I logged in and saw there were at least 15 girls blocked on there! And other numbers on the bill too) We met in person to confront him together and he RAN!
We stood there for almost 2 hours exchanging stories and lies. Lies he told
His mom was on a DNR and dying of covid (shes fine but he told her that when he was out with me on our anniversary)
He paid for my kids college tuition then I left him for my ex husband.
He is the boss of me at my technical job making 100k a year (he had only done lyft and doordash)
He used all of MY friends and stories I told and inserted himself as the main character and replaced me in them because he actually has NO friends.
He made up very detailed lies about our “work” because they were detailed things I described about my work friends and what we did.
He was single handedly paying 60k for his moms chemo treatmentShe told me she was actually there one time when I came by but he went outside to talk with me and told her I was a co-worker
He made her keep all of her stuff in a box under the bed at all times because if his “ocd” so thats why I could never find anything
They had been together since December before Christmas and were talking about getting married and having more children. She was 23 with a 1 and 4 year old.
They had just signed a lease to move in together (which he had no intention of doing)
He told her all of his stuff was in a storage unit in my town and even told her to rent the uhaul so they could go together to pick it up. It was all at my house all still in his drawers and his side of the closet.Well I went no contact for a good 3 weeks and broke down and wanted to just rage on him and did. And found out now he still wants me sexually and thinks it would be hot to have me as the side chick. OH and the other girl, despite me telling and showing her all this and how much my kids loved him and begging her not to put her kids through this, SHE IS WITH HIM!!!! I blocked them both and wish them the best and really just needed to get this off my chest because my poor mom has to listen to me complain about this everyday!
Things I’ve learned,
trust your gut first!
I have a whole hell of a lot of people that have came out of the woodwork to love me and support me and even tell me they knew Id be back that he took me away from them. My friends are the best and I couldn’t get through this without finding this site and my loved ones support. Ty for letting me vent -
pinchey – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for everything that you endured, but yes, your story is just like many that are posted on this website. I know you feel like a chump for putting up with him for so long, but so did I and so did everyone else on this site! so the good news is, you are not alone!
Be good to yourself. Please know that what he did was take advantage of your good, human qualities. We have lots of information on Lovefraud that will help you understand what happened and recover.
Feel free to vent as much as you like! We all understand what you are talking about.
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Pinchey – thank you for sharing your story. Yes, the basics are the same as so many – it is almost like these narcissistic sociopaths read the same playbook – but your pain and frustration and anger – that is very unique and personal. We have all had to work through the emotional turmoil of dealing with these jerks. This forum certainly helped me cope – helped me realize I was not alone – that there were others who understood, even if my friends and family did not: (“How could you let him… why didn’t you just leave…you are smarter than this…”) I hope you reach out when you have questions – or even just to vent. It is great you have people who are now listening and supporting you. We will too. Congratulations on taking this step!
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pinchey- Amber Ault’s book The5 step exit is also very good.
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And sandra browns safe relationships magazine and articles were super helpful as well. And the book psychopath free by jackson mackenzie. It will get better. Takes a while but survivors are resilient!
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Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you went through this. These disordered people do some shocking & hurtful stuff for sure. We didn’t deserve any of it. It’s taken me a while to heal but I feel better and stronger.
Have gotten a lot of great information at this site. The Love Fraud videos on YouTube are also very helpful.
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I’ve heard it takes an average of 7 tries to ditch one of these disordered pathological guys (or gals, they can be either gender & any sexual orientation so watch out!). Don’t feel bad pinchey, also the other women you have met because of this guy, she may be earlier on her path of discovery of who he really is & have made fewer attempts to cut him off.
Early days of no contact are hard, in my case the disordered guy I thankfully never met in person (I was nearly the other woman) but it took a good 4 weeks of no contact (phone calls, emails, all social media blocked, all people who followed him & me blocked, all people he followed who were women blocked, all people I followed save his former male coworkers who I told blocked) and even after only 4 weeks my head was just beginning to clear.
I needed to find people online who could help me figure out what was wrong with me (nothing really beyond naiveté, I had never encountered someone like this before someone so pathological & disordered, he’s truly sick). I needed good books to read on this. I can understand why you hold out hope he can get help, but he can’t, he really can’t.
The best a good therapist who specializes in working with people like him can do is reduce a few of the less obnoxious traits (grandiosity for one). This illness of his is FOR LIFE, no other woman or man or person can love or snap him out of it. It’s so hard for decent healthy normal people to give up on them, to kill hope for them & let go, but you have to. Do it for you, do it for your kids (they are learning from your relationship behavior, let that sink in, would you want a daughter or a son to go through this when they’re old enough to date?).
You might like a site run by a lady who calls herself the Chump Lady, she also has a book called ‘Lose A Cheater, Gain A Life’. She got over her disordered guy, got very healthy again, in good time she met a man who was burned by a similarly disordered woman & they fell in love & got married well after they got over their cheaters. It is possible to do better, you just have to believe it’s possible
I also want to suggest to you that this kind of behavior causes a kind of post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD called C-PTSD for complex post traumatic stress disorder. The big difference between PTSD & C-PTSD is that with complex or C-PTSD, it’s complicated. You are going to feel unsafe around this guy, no matter what you do, unless & until you get away & stay away from him. With something like a hurricane or a car accident, it ends, you go somewhere else that’s safe (a shelter, a hospital, the neighbor’s house), people you can trust to help you come along, offer you comfort & understanding & the healing process starts. You rebuild your safety while he’s not around & if there’s a chance of him getting to you, you’re not safe & you can’t begin to recover & heal. It’s traumatic to discover someone you think you know isn’t really that person at all & the trauma continues for how ever long they are there.
I happen to also really like a book called ‘Cheating In A Nutshell’ by 2 online advice columnists, Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, it brilliantly but simply breaks down what is happening to YOU, the person who has been betrayed by someone who cheats, the cheater not so much, it’s more important to understand what’s going on with you to heal yourself. As you already realize, this isn’t a one time thing with this guy, this is the way this guy goes through his life, it’s not an accident, he does this on purpose, but you don’t ever have to put yourself in a place where he continues to victimize you by cheating with anyone & everyone who will let him. And he’s not entitled to forgiveness especially forgiving him way too fast
Lastly if you want a coach for this I like Sarah K Ramsey but I think it’s too soon for you to consider dating again. In fact I think you met this guy too soon while you were still hurting from your divorce, even though the meeting started out virtual / online over a video game (I’m adding video games to my places I don’t want to meet men for dating or more thanks to your story, I thought social media was bad enough, yikes!).
Take this ‘no contact’ process very slow, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, etc. I am now at a point where I’m fuzzy on exact dates when all this stuff happened to me & I’m in a little over a year of ‘no contact’ with this ‘online only’ pathological cheating guy. Only back in January did I get to a place where I realized that 1) I still really resented him 2) it was because I was keeping a secret of his from his wife (he’s still legally married, I have been told they have a legal separation agreement, they live in different states, but you never know & I have no desire to play relationship detective) 3) I am under no obligation to keep the secrets of a pathological person who cheats on & with people constantly & without any remorse 4) he is under a legal obligation to his wife, the marriage is a contract, a separation agreement is a contract 5) when he keeps secrets from his wife, he disempowers his wife, he’s made choices for her, limited her options 6) if I help him keep secrets from his wife, what does that say about me & what kind of person I am? 7) by keeping a secret of his, how was that limiting my options, upholding an agreement I had no say in & don’t want any part of, being burdened by his past bad unilateral choices? 8) who else could he be hurting now (like his kids or grandkids, his extended family, other women or men) 9) is he likely to come back because I’ve kept one of his secrets & he sees that as a sign he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants? 10) didn’t he basically shift the power to me once he lied, tried to cheat with me, told me secrets, etc, power that I hold & can also unilaterally decide what to do with like tell people I believe who deserve to know the exact manner in which he lies, cheats & secrets he tries to keep, shouldn’t he be freaking out about how he empowered me this way rather than me continuing to feel shame or freaking out where the shame isn’t mine, it isn’t a big deal to me & disclosing what happens may well stop him from hurting those to whom he has legal & moral obligations 11) what choice will result in me feeling the least resentment, the most healing, the least shame, the most freedom
Yes I told his wife everything. I have no idea what she did, it was mailed off to her in a letter. She has my contact info, a chronological history of what happened, dates, times, means of communication he used, his cell phone numbers, the email address he used, social media account IDs, stuff he told me that she should know so she can protect herself, she can do whatever she likes including nothing, but I no longer feel trapped, shamed or resentful & frankly it serves him right. I get an occasional hang up call, could be her, could be him (I use a landline phone & I don’t have Caller ID service). If it were him, I’d hang up on him, he’s done hangup calls before (many many months ago), he’s also called to try to ‘hoover’ or suck me back into his drama, that was August of last year, I’ve got almost 13 months of 100% straight no contact with him (yay!). If it were her calling me, I’d talk to her, if it’s her attorney, I’d verify that & talk to the attorney. Happy to answer their questions, the cheating husband though, nope.
Anyway, try again with 100% no contact & bring your anger & feelings here. We get it. We are more likely to be able to help you pinchey. You’ll get this, you just have to keep at it.
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@pinchey If it weren’t pandemic times I’d say throw a party for the neighbors who saw him humiliated in your front yard, but alas, just celebrate here (am pumping my fist for you).
It was quite appropriate of you to have all his stuff packed & ready to go in the most suitable choice of all traveling gear: garbage bags. And I’m glad you got your suitcase back.
This isn’t your shame, he may badly want that to be so, this is all on him.
And that girl who was on the phone with him, chances are he did that because he can’t dump one without having another one around, that’s how these disordered types behave.
Don’t be surprised if he gives it ‘one more try’ and/or if the girl on the phone calls you to tell you she also threw him an impromptu ‘cheater reveal party’ complete with garbage bags & her neighbors gathered to watch his shaming.
I will never forget the one break in my 1st ‘no contact’ last year that I didn’t cause: HE called me over 100 days later, claimed to be looking for ‘another’ [girl/woman with my EXACT first name] but ‘misdialed’.
Ha ha ha, nope.
I gave an Oscar worthy performance as ‘Best Other Human Utterly Indifferent To His Pathetic Excuse For A Person’.
If I said more than 10 words in a sentence, I would be amazed, and you bet I had had plenty of time (over 3 months) to know what *not* to say as well as what to say, which was ‘other than getting repaid [for something he had asked me to get for him, promised to pay me back for & didn’t, its value was nominal, not worth fighting about] I thought we had no business remaining between us’.
It was so sweet getting him to hang up on me a *second* time.
I did have a weird thing happen today though.
An astrology website to which I subscribe emailed me earlier today to wish the disordered guy a ‘happy birthday’ (they even had a free report prepared for him called a solar return chart, it’s a forecast of what’s supposed to happen on your birthday & for the rest of the year up to your next birthday). As it was a Vedic (or ‘sidereal’ astrology, the kind of astrology practiced in India) website & I have put off my studies under that system because their methodology is different & confusing to me when I’ve gone way deeper into Western/tropical astrology studies over the past year, totally ignoring the Vedic stuff), I went in to be sure his chart info was removed, it was, took a peek at the chart & of course on his 70th birthday, the year ahead looks *bad* for him.
Family & loved ones upset with him [check!], less work this year [check!], possible serious illnesses on the horizon [maybe that alleged Stage 3 colon cancer will get him, also COVID-19 is still lurking out there & 90%+ of the people the virus has killed are over 65], possible accidents, scandal & public humiliation for him too [yup, that started for him more privately back in January, if something breaks in the news my friends will let me know].
Thank you land of karma!
Oh well back to my self studies in Complex PTSD & its healing (great book on Kindle Unlimited right now). Have a good Sunday everyone!
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