How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › My Story too, seems to be just like all of yours </3
August 27, 2020 at 7:50 pm #63796
Reading through and I feel my story is like so many others. I met my Sociopath on a video game as I was going through my divorce. I was not ready for a relationship, but as I vented to this person, he quickly became everything I wanted and could dream of. Within weeks he said I love you first, he never called me by my name and always called me baby (realizing now this is probably a tactic not to get names mixed up from all of the other girls) he doted on me, filled my phone with beautiful messages, gifs, you name it. Of course when he talked about exes and family the pity party was ON! All of his exes were cheating whores, they drank and partied and he caught them sleeping even with his own twin brother! His mom abandoned him and his dad was a drunk, no one loved him, he grew up alone etc etc.. We did long distance and I was not sure I was ready, but he insisted he was going to move from Ca to Florida to be with me and be the man me and my 2 kids needed. This was 3 months after we met. I was already head over HEELS crazy about him and had never been so in love in my life. I was still going through my separation and divorce and ex and I were still living together, so I told him no. To wait until I have my own place.
December rolls around and I finally find him on social media. I scrolled way back on his FB to see pictures of a toddler with a message of this being his son. Who’s son? Not my bf, probably his ex gf kid he’s claiming. Nope confront him and he has a son that he gave up for adoption because he was 17 when he and the gf had the baby. And he didn’t want to tell me because he loved me so much and was terrified to lose me. (First noticeable red flag I mean there are others but this was in the moment before I was discarded and learned about sociopaths.)Fast forward ex husband (not officially divorced) moves out in April and this guy is supposed to come visit in May. I buy the plane ticket for him, because i’m an idiot, but got insurance on it because at least maybe not that big of an idiot. And he no shows. Says that he cannot come now because he has an arrest warrant for a DUI that he never handled years prior. Research some more and sure enough, he had a DUI and a probation violation for said dui for no showing to court. (dear god why did I NOT leave then) he begged and begged me to stay saying the same thing as before that this was his past life and he has changed since he met me, he is going back to college and getting his life right, but as soon as he clears up his dui and warrant he will come visit. So I am devastated, but I am NOT chasing this man at this point, I have a great job and kids and he has no obligations except a few classes, I am waiting for him to come here. So I am ok with the long distance since I am still not legally divorced, I take this time to focus on me and advance my career etc.
August comes around, “hey I am clear to travel, I bought a plane ticket I am coming to see you at the end of the month”-even picks out a concert we can go to while he is visiting…No shows again, I think his Nana was sick this time. Promises to come again in October, the week of my daughter’s birthday. No shows again and said he had to go to the emergency room for a severe infection. Which causes me to be severely depressed and still feel regret because I let that ruin my daughters bday. At this point I have pulled back and started no contact on my own, because im like ok I am being had. So unbeknownst to me, this drove him crazier for me, he laid it on and he told his “truth” that the reason he could not come see me was he had an ankle bracelet on for violating the probation so he cannot leave…(this is embarrassing as I write this I feel so dumb!!) So my divorce was final in November, I wanted to enjoy the holidays with my kids as it was our first with their dad not in the home and I thought ok we are going on a year and a half long distance now, I am just curious to meet this guy to see if he is even real, since all of my friends are saying Im being catfished.
So I fly out to Ca, rent a car and drive out to meet him. He’s a nervous wreck and wreaks of cigarettes, when he told me he doesn’t smoke…never got invited to his apt (probably because another woman was there) and we set off to go adventuring in Ca. Yosemite and back to San Fran for a few days. (and yes he had on the jail anklet). Never met his family even when I asked he said they were busy, but I made a FB post with us and tagged him and his dad said when are we going to meet her!? There was definitely some first meeting awkwardness. we bonded so well, emotionally but physically I was not sure that he liked me as I was a little older and a little chubby, he professed his love and his words were beautiful, but I was honestly thinking I was going back to FL and never hearing from him again. We did not have sex on my first visit out there as he stated he was too shy and needed to get to know me a little better and was afraid since it had been so long since he had been with a woman it would be over too soon. I actually ran out of the hotel room crying and went for a walk, because I felt so rejected sexually. (now looking back I believe this is his tactic to get women to think he will not cheat!!!!! because everytime I would ask him about cheating when I started getting suspicious, he would be like “babe you know how shy I am!”
Lo and behold we get closer after this, I seriously thought he was not into me at all, he loves it up like im the best thing in the world, I go back a few more times and he confesses that he has a massive fear of flying and has really bad anxiety attacks so he cant fly… and then I put my foot down that I am spending all of this money always going there, He has to come here to at least visit! So he decides he is not visiting and he is moving here and will fly in July to move here.
Two weeks before he is supposed to move here, his phone breaks…we talk online still so I get him a new one on my account. He starts being super standoffish and I get the silent treatment. When I confront him I get told how needy I am and I am always so needy and that I should know by now he needs his alone time. He has finals and needs to study. So that idiot not realizing that I can see everything he is doing on the phone, I open up my phone records and see he has been texting this number all day everyday all day and night for the past week (since he started the silent treatment to study). My girlfriend pops the number in her phone as a contact and it comes up as another girl named Alexis in snapchat. I confront him and he ghosts me!!! we are in 2 years and he ghosts me a week or so before he is supposed to be moving here. So ofc I am going off on him, How can you ghost someone you’ve been talking to for over two years, I want closure!
After about 5 days of him not responding, He finally agrees to call. So we talk and he basically says the girl was just a friend, her dad was an alcoholic too and they were just talking about it and he needed a friend since he was giving up his whole life to come to FL he chickened out etc, etc, and that they did mess around, but it was nothing serious. So I break it off that night and tell him Goodbye!
He calls me at 530 am crying and begging me to come get him saying im the love of his life, he promises he will never cheat and he cant imagine life without me. ( I know im so dumb) I fall for it, buy the ticket and two weeks later we are road tripping from Ca to Fl. It was absolutely amazing!
He was supposed to get his own apt after moving here so we could take more time to get the kids and him to know each other etc, but ofc things came up and he couldn’t move out. we were a family, we did trick or treating and family pics together Christmas trees the whole 9 yards, I was SO happy, the happiest I have ever been. Fast forward to April and he finally decides I guess that he wants to live here, I helped him do all of this paperwork to get his drivers license in Fl bc of the DUI in Ca. he has to basically sign this paper promising he will not drive in Ca for three years and he can never get his CA license back unless he completes the DUI class in CA. So he gets a License and a new car (I did not pay for this he did) and applies to be a Lyft driver.
I was still working nights, so he would work nights too and get home in time to get the kids to school in the morning. (Now I believe he was actually spending the night with other women during this time he was supposed to be working) So my year of working nights was over in July and I am back on day shift, this is when everything got weird and I truly believe it was because he could get away with more when I worked at night!, he started snapping at my kids and dogs about how my dog is whiny and my kids never help with chores, witholding sex, and I was baffled, he would not even touch me, but when I brought it up to work on it he would just blame everyone and tell me I am too sensitive, I knew he has anxiety and he cant take a lot of commotion etc (my kids were both 10+ so not like these are toddlers and they are very good!) And I would want to talk about it and he would just apologize and say he was sorry and that everything was fine that I just overthink! And I am codependent and need to work on our space..He just needs to do better in school so he can support me etc etc. Then all of the sudden out of the blue in Oct he TEXTS me at work and tells me he is moving out, that he is failing his online classes and he cannot study here, that he needs his own apt and that he promises he loves me but he feels we missed that important dating step of transitioning from long distance to in person. Im heartbroken and I tried to break it off then and there and he BEGS me to stay that he loves me, he promises! ( not to mention we had financials setup for everything to be half, so him leaving that soon almost messed me up, but I cancelled the big things like his sports package and our ymca membership and lucky I didnt get the new car he kept telling me I deserved)
We date again and the sex is great again, I sneak over like a school girl and its really fun for a few months. He still left 90% of his belongings at my house. He comes over all the time, we still do all of our family things together etc. We take a big trip to the mountains for my bday and the kids holiday vacation. Then In January boom. Went from seeing each other 3/4 times a week to none, and here come the excuses, his anxiety is back, he’s in the ER from stomach issues (he ALWAYS had stomach issues but I left a lot of that out to shorten the story or every other month Id be talking about him shitting and needing to go to the hospital). He says he is depressed and no one in his family even checks on him. yada yada this goes on and I try to call it off several times like we should be friends, I just dont get you. I tried showing up at his apt to catch him, but he was always ready. I would scare the shit out of him and he told me it was his anxiety that he would hyper focus on coding and get anxiety from his “bubble” being popped. And I always kept that image of shy guy in my head and doubted he would EVER cheat in person and actually thought it was an online relationship.
Fast forward to every holiday between Jan and July and he was with me and the kids telling me that he would spend the days with me and he had to work nights and study.
July 26 our 4 year anniversary he refuses to spend the night and says he is tired. I am like no way in Hell buddy, promises me he will be over first thing in the morning. (He does and he actually pays for dinner this time! ). I call ATT to get the phone records because although its in my name its registered to his email address for the bill and he had 2fa on the account, so I had to wait for them to MAIL them to me.
Friday 31 July, I sit down with the mail, elated at first because all the numbers I look at for texting are doordash numbers, Im like ok, I think he is good. (keep in mind these only show calls and texts OFF network so anything on wifi does not show up on the paper bill) then I start to see calls, late night calls when we were on trips (obviously when I was asleep) and I added the number in my phone and saw on snap chat it was a girl named Melody, noticed her liking his things on twitter a while back but did not think twice, well now Im thinking so I scroll back and its amazing what people post! Her twitter pretty much has her announcing that she met her lyft driver and progresses the story of their love, how they have crezy 50 shades of grey sex (shes pretty forward on twitter apparently) and guess what SHES GETTING MARRIED TO HIM!!!!! Now she is ALSO a single mom.
So I know he cannot get out of this one, I dont let him know I know, I show up at his house with my overnight bag on Friday. Surprise baby Im gonna spend the night. He was outside when I got there and ofc didnt want me to go up…I very angrily said Im going in your fucking apt. Went in, used the bathroom and looked for signs of anything, IT WAS CLEAN, no feminine products no extra Toothbrush nothing. So he promised me he would come over to the house (and that was always his excuse he stopped inviting me over to the apt bc home was our home and his apt was shit and it was) so he came over and we had fun time and I had his guard down and then boom asked him who melody was, ofc he tried lying, a friend on twitter, a friend he met with Lyft..long story short they “messed around a couple times” he “cried” and apologized and I told him it was over I could not forgive him etc etc. He did not even act sorry ..he tried to fake cry but his words were empty, it was pretty much like ok cool you caught me, now let me watch you self destruct! Next morning I got a text that he needs to have some time to focus on himself, so I decided I was going to text Melody to let her know what she is up against. At first she accuses me of lying, taking all of his money, Im the crazy ex now. So I had to add her to my FB so she could see everything and send her screenshots proving I was with him. (he had her blocked on FB and he used the same pw for everything so I logged in and saw there were at least 15 girls blocked on there! And other numbers on the bill too) We met in person to confront him together and he RAN!
We stood there for almost 2 hours exchanging stories and lies. Lies he told
His mom was on a DNR and dying of covid (shes fine but he told her that when he was out with me on our anniversary)
He paid for my kids college tuition then I left him for my ex husband.
He is the boss of me at my technical job making 100k a year (he had only done lyft and doordash)
He used all of MY friends and stories I told and inserted himself as the main character and replaced me in them because he actually has NO friends.
He made up very detailed lies about our “work” because they were detailed things I described about my work friends and what we did.
He was single handedly paying 60k for his moms chemo treatment
She told me she was actually there one time when I came by but he went outside to talk with me and told her I was a co-worker
He made her keep all of her stuff in a box under the bed at all times because if his “ocd” so thats why I could never find anything
They had been together since December before Christmas and were talking about getting married and having more children. She was 23 with a 1 and 4 year old.
They had just signed a lease to move in together (which he had no intention of doing)
He told her all of his stuff was in a storage unit in my town and even told her to rent the uhaul so they could go together to pick it up. It was all at my house all still in his drawers and his side of the closet.
Well I went no contact for a good 3 weeks and broke down and wanted to just rage on him and did. And found out now he still wants me sexually and thinks it would be hot to have me as the side chick. OH and the other girl, despite me telling and showing her all this and how much my kids loved him and begging her not to put her kids through this, SHE IS WITH HIM!!!! I blocked them both and wish them the best and really just needed to get this off my chest because my poor mom has to listen to me complain about this everyday!
Things I’ve learned,
trust your gut first!
I have a whole hell of a lot of people that have came out of the woodwork to love me and support me and even tell me they knew Id be back that he took me away from them. My friends are the best and I couldn’t get through this without finding this site and my loved ones support. Ty for letting me vent
August 28, 2020 at 9:38 am #63797Donna AndersenKeymaster
pinchey – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for everything that you endured, but yes, your story is just like many that are posted on this website. I know you feel like a chump for putting up with him for so long, but so did I and so did everyone else on this site! so the good news is, you are not alone!
Be good to yourself. Please know that what he did was take advantage of your good, human qualities. We have lots of information on Lovefraud that will help you understand what happened and recover.
Feel free to vent as much as you like! We all understand what you are talking about.
August 28, 2020 at 7:14 pm #63798emilie18Participant
Pinchey – thank you for sharing your story. Yes, the basics are the same as so many – it is almost like these narcissistic sociopaths read the same playbook – but your pain and frustration and anger – that is very unique and personal. We have all had to work through the emotional turmoil of dealing with these jerks. This forum certainly helped me cope – helped me realize I was not alone – that there were others who understood, even if my friends and family did not: (“How could you let him… why didn’t you just leave…you are smarter than this…”) I hope you reach out when you have questions – or even just to vent. It is great you have people who are now listening and supporting you. We will too. Congratulations on taking this step!
August 28, 2020 at 10:11 pm #63799
Thank you! It is definitely nice to have a place to come when nothing makes sense! I am so glad I found this site and all of the videos and webinars are helping me get through this.
August 29, 2020 at 4:31 pm #63801SunnygalParticipant
pinchey- Amber Ault’s book The5 step exit is also very good.
September 8, 2020 at 6:43 pm #63849traumatized41Participant
And sandra browns safe relationships magazine and articles were super helpful as well. And the book psychopath free by jackson mackenzie. It will get better. Takes a while but survivors are resilient!
September 15, 2020 at 10:53 pm #63897thesmithsParticipant
Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you went through this. These disordered people do some shocking & hurtful stuff for sure. We didn’t deserve any of it. It’s taken me a while to heal but I feel better and stronger.
Have gotten a lot of great information at this site. The Love Fraud videos on YouTube are also very helpful.
September 18, 2020 at 4:59 pm #63905
Thank you all for the kind words and support, I did go no contact and he went nuts trying to reach me. I forgot to tell my daughter to block him ONE because I never thought he would get my child involved, a child that loved him at that, and begged her for me to unblock him. She has since blocked him and I made the mistake of unblocking him to “give him a piece of my mind” and has since turned into him wanting to be “friends” admitting he is a sociopath(do they do that?), and says he is going to therapy. I know everything I have read says they cannot feel true empathy or emotions, but I really hope he can get help, I want to be nice, but I am NOT getting back into a relationship with him. I feel stuck because I want to believe this person can get help for their issues and have a future, but NOT with me.
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