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N showing tremendous GUILT?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  jlawrence 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #46852

    betrayedagain
    Participant

    I’m new and am unsure of whether I’m in the right place. My husband certainly fits a lot of the description of a narcissist and/or sociopath. My story is long; we’ve been married for 21 years.

    I want to get to my question. I found email evidence my husband cheated, to which he gaslighted me, sighed and said condescendingly, “What are you talking about, Suzanne?” To which I presented the evidence. He didn’t apologize, but immediately said it was in the past and wanted to move forward, that he loved me, etc, etc.

    NOW he’s showing guilt. He sleeps on the couch, he bought me a case of wine and my favorite candy. BUT he also treated himself to a shopping spree. I’m not sure if that was to soothe himself or what. (He loves shopping.)

    My question: if he is showing true guilt, which I believe he is, does that mean he’s not a narcissist? I guess it really doesn’t matter what label he has. He definitely has the label of cheater.

    I’m leaving him in two weeks, but it makes me so anxious. I have to move several states away to be with my daughter and family and friends. It’s very overwhelming.

  • #46861

    emilie18
    Participant

    He is not showing guilt – he is guilting YOU. Classic behavior – he sleeps on the couch -you feel bad for him. He buys you gifts – but “treats himself to a shopping spree” — absolute selfishness. You ask if he might not be a narcissist? The answer is pretty obvious. He is only thinking about himself – HIS pleasure, HIS comfort, HIS goals. He is gaslighting you by saying something did not happen (the affair) in the face of concrete proof, then lovebombing you (the gifts) to distract you, then making YOU the bad guy because he “has to sleep on the couch”. Oh my. Whatever label you put on him – this is not a good man. Glad you are leaving — now erase this toxic person from your life and be happy!

    • #46862

      betrayedagain
      Participant

      Thank you, Emilie. I think he feels overwhelmed that he’s caught. I am leaving. It’s just so hard. And from what I’m reading, it’s best if he doesn’t know, which makes it difficult to prepare.

      • #46927

        flowerchild1965
        Participant

        Change your perspective…change your thoughts….start saying to yourself. “THIS IS NOT SO HARD” instead of “this is so hard”….START LOVING YOURSELF….he OBVIOUSLY is losing a very loving, faithful woman…..be proud you’re not a female narcissist!!!! You’re an amazing woman. Hold your head up….HIGH…in humble fashion that is lol…hugs

  • #46864

    Jan7
    Participant

    betrayedagain, I’m so sorry that you have been betrayed. Cheating is an absolute heartache…so is the emotional, mental, verbal abuse & manipulation that you are enduring. You should be so proud of yourself for researching for answers & having the courage to post. Both are not easy to do. Please also know, when it comes to a relationship with a sociopath, there are no short posts here at LF. So just vent it all out if you want to. It really does help to clear your mind.

    Your gut is screaming that he is a narcissist and/or sociopath narcissist. BELIEVE your GUT INSTINCT!!!

    Emilie18’s post is spot on. Narcissist will always “Narcissistic blame shifting” (do a search here at love fraud & on the net for this term) to make you feel like you are the bad guy. It’s also used to break down the self esteem of the victim, so that they can have full control over you, once again. In addition he is using “Narcissist pity play manipulation” (look this up here at LF & on the net) The ultimate goal of a narcissist or sociopath is to have POWER & CONTROL over their mates. Why? so you will not leave them & so that they can exploit you for what ever they want i.e. sex, money, etc

    The gifts are ablsultely lovebombing. When a socipath gives gifts there are always strings attacted with the gifts. In this case, it seems like your husband is using the gifts to release endorphins in your brain to manipulate the situation. You are angry, hurt & want to leave him (all NORMAL response to being cheated on & abused!).

    But, with the release of endorphins he is manipulating your brain from anger hurt etc to happy & elated again. This is masterful manipulation by sociopath!! He is twisting your mind around making a very bad situation in your marriage into a happy situation. IT IS NOT A HAPPY situation being cheated on nor abused. Most sociopath will do this very manipulation right after cheating or abusing their spouse.

    My ex husband, a sociopoth, did this very thing when I too found out he had a two year affair and every time he abused me emotionally, mentally verbally etc. I had my suspicions that he was cheating but no proof & he too was using gas lighting and over evil manipulation tactics to twist my mind around from see the truth = he was cheating with a co worker.

    If he is a sociopath he does not have a healthy functioning brain to feel remorse or guilt. If he is a sociopath he is ACTING…it’s all part of his con game. Sociopath will often have an Oscar worthy performance of crying, begging, sobbing, pretend remorse & guilt so that the vicim will not leave them…once they hook their vicim back into their con game this pretend act ends.

    Look up the terms here at Lovefraud and on the net:

    Love bombing
    Blame shifting
    Sociopath Smear Campaign
    Sociopath triangulation
    No contact rule

    PLEASE KNOW THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A WOMAN IN A ABUSVIVE RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN SHE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE HER ABUSER. Please contact your National Domestic Violence hotline (USA 800-799-SAFE) and your local abuse center for an DOMESTIC ABUSE EXIT & SAFETY PLAN OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Look up Domestic Abuse Exit & safety plan on the National Domestic Violence Hotline website and also on the net & you tube.

    Be sure to CLEAR your history each time you research this info. If you do not feel safe using your home computer use a trusted friend or family members computer. Also your local library has computers you can use for free.

    Please also, tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on and have them keep a journal of EVERYTHING you tell them including dates you told them. You should also keep a journal either hidden at your home or keep it at a friends, family or the local abuse center for your safety. The journals can be used in court.

    WE HEAR YOU, WE BELEIVE YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. Keep posting, venting & asking question. We have all been where you are now & it really does help to have a support system with people that have been thru the nightmare of a sociopathic relationship.

    Donna Anderson site creator of Lovefraud has a wonderful site full of valuable information for learning & healing. Up at the top under the Video tab there are excellent videos for free. Also look at the Home page YELLOW BOX section for more info. Look on the article section this week (Friday) and you will see Mary Ann Glenn’s post. She is a therapist who conducts FREE group sessions. So a search on Mary Ann Glenn here at LF. She is a incredibly informed therapist about sociopath abuse.

    One of the ways of telling if you are in a abusive relationship is if you are confused about the relationship. Your post indicated that you are confused. I was too when I left my ex. He had messed with my mind so much I could not tell if I was the problem or he was. Thank goodness my counselor told me straight away I was dealing with a sociopath.

    Google; “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. It is NEVER wrong. Your gut is screaming:

    1) he is a narcissist or a sociopath narcissist

    2) that you need to leave him

    Listen to this strong gut reaction to your relationship.

    If you go up to the top of Lovefraud click on the Book store tab to find Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. If you want to purchase it Have it sent to a trusted friends or family members home to educate yourself for your safety.

    BIT YOUR TOUNGUE DAILY BEFORE YOU LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. DO NOT GET AN ANY FIGHTS WITH HIM. Just keep telling yourself I am almost free when he starts to push your buttons. It’s not easy to do this but for your safety you need to follow this rule.

    SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS HON. 💜💜💜

    Wishing you all the best. 🌺

    Take care. 🌺

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #46865

    Jan7
    Participant

    Look at the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. See sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam. com plus just google. Most victims have endure a sociopath have PTSD. Most likely you do to. I believe the biggest issues with PTSD that needs to be healed is adrenal fatigue.

    Put your health first right now. Find a good Endocrinologist doctor to get tested for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, vitamin & mineral deficiency, thyroid etc etc. All of these things are adrenal fatigue issues. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins & minerals 4 times a day & also a Rx of progesterone hormone pills and within hours my anxiety was half and within a few weeks I was thinking more clearly.

    Both of these sites have books but also your local library may have books on Adrenal fatigue too.

  • #46872

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    yes, look up blame shifting.

  • #46885

    allison123
    Participant

    When I found out my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. I confronted her with the text messages I found on her phone, and she immediately gave me those cold dead eyes and called me an “evil conniving bitch” for reading her messages. Somehow, unbelievably, it was MY FAULT. I went to the kitchen in her apartment and drank half a bottle of wine and cried while she fell back asleep. Hands down the worst night of my life, and she was not even sorry.

    I never condone cheating, but it is one thing to make a mistake and apologize and do everything in your power to fix it, and it’s another thing to shift the blame and make excuses for your crappy behavior. It sounds like both of our exes did the latter.

  • #46895

    slimone
    Participant

    Dear betrayedagain,

    He is not overwhelmed, feeling guilty, or otherwise the slightest bit bothered by what he has done. He is being manipulative. It is likely difficult for you to see it this way, after so many years of marriage. Only time will tell. My prediction is he will do some of the following:

    1. Announce that he has made the BIGGEST mistake of his life, and that you are the ONLY woman he wants
    2. Move in with the new woman, ASAP
    3. Make your divorce a nightmare
    4. Stalk you
    5. Buy you more stuff
    6. Sign up for a new dating site
    7. Simply disappear and never speak to you again
    8. Blame you for his need to cheat
    9. Somehow let you know all the other stuff he has been up to, that you don’t know about

  • #46926

    flowerchild1965
    Participant

    My father did this to my mother Al the time. Pretended to show guilt because they are afraid of abandonment. They were married 21 years. The last time she left him he was buying her jewelry….swooning her…he begged her to come back…even wanted to take her on a cruise to the Bahamas…she had enough of the years and years of abuse. She did not go on the cruise. After they finally signed the divorce papers he told her that she was smart for not going on the cruise because he planned on killing her and throwing her body off the ship in the middle of the night. Narcissists/Sociopathic demons NEVER CHANGE….listen up….if he was genuinely remorseful he would be taking action to get help…..HE WOULD BE TAKING ACTION ON HIS OWN TO GET HELP….not you telling him to go get help……understand? Watch your back. I would even have your car checking for tracking devices…these demons do NOT LIKE TO LET GO/LOSE….record every interaction secretly with him if you can…..document his behaviors…it’s the only thing that will help you if law enforcement gets involved….PROOF…try BACH FLOWER REMEDIES for anxiety…stay away from addictive prescriptions…

  • #46999

    jlawrence
    Participant

    Hi betrayedagain,

    New member and poster, here. I see that you’re struggling and wanted to extend some knowledge that might help you.

    The other posters are mostly right.

    Slimone, in particular hit the nail on the head with the list of potential next moves. It’s very likely that he will do one or all of those things and it’s definitely not out of guilt.

    He is likely not feeling guilt at all, but is very aware of the fact that the actions he has taken such as sleeping on the couch and buying you gifts, will cause you to believe that he is functioning out of guilt. Chances are high that that’s not the case.

    Here’s what is likely taking place in his mind:

    1. He’s aware that he’s been caught.
    2. He wishes to smooth things over because you provide some comforts (read:luxuries or benefits) to him that he’s not ready to let go of.
    3. He will do and say what he has to to secure those comforts from you. He probably would rather it just blow over (which is why he said “it’s in the past” and “wants to move forward”.) But he’s aware that you’re not going to let it go. He’s going to try to buy the reaction he’s looking for, as that is step 1 of his goal with you right now.
    4. If the moves he is currently making are effective (they usually are), then he can measure the success of these tactics by gauging your reaction. Right now, you’re thinking he’s feeling guilty. This just means he has effectively made you think there’s at least some chance he feels bad. This gets him closer to getting off the hook.
    5. If you try to confront him about this, or give any indication that his methods aren’t working and that you’re not impressed with the gifts or him sleeping on the couch, you can expect anger or rage. Don’t believe for a second that if he remains calm, that he’s not seething with rage beneath the surface. In his mind, even though he messed up, he is not thinking about his actions, he is thinking about how to stop you from thinking about his actions. He wants to control your reactions so he can continue with his goals. To him, he thinks that he has made a sacrifice and may feel put upon or deprived that he has to deal with your feelings. He just wants it to be over and the fastest way he can think of is to buy things and take little actions that he knows will suggest he is sorry. He’s trying to fast-track this, believe me.

    Now, because he’s a narcissist and not a sociopath, he cares just as much about your adoration as he does about controlling you. Sociopaths don’t care about your adoration on a real or personal level. They will care about or feign caring about whatever it is that gets them closer to what they want. The narcissist has that liability and vulnerability that a sociopath simply lacks.

    Either way, narcissists have a distorted sense of time when it comes to other people. That is, because they lack affective/emotional empathy, the idea that you are feeling hurt or betrayed for longer than a minute or so baffles them because they can’t relate. This is another reason why he wants to “move forward”. He has already moved forward. What he’s saying is that he wants you to move forward and not mention it because he doesn’t understand your feelings and doesn’t want to hear about them.

    Buying you gifts is absolutely a way of manipulating you, as had already been stated prwiviously by other posters. It makes you remember the good times before he cheated, and because he knows how to be charming and captivating, he’s confident that you’ll remember those things and it will force you to move on.

    Hopefully everything works out for you. I see you mentioned you were leaving and know to be discreet. That’s for the best.

    Good luck to you.

    Jlawrence

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