June 11, 2019 at 6:50 am #52834
I met him online in 2012. Fast forward to June 3rd 2019. Received a jolly happy text from him saying he saw me & hoped I was doing well etc. I cried with relief, as it had been Autumnm 2018 that I had walked away, (again) & had no contact since. You see my 50th birthday was looming the 9th June 2019. I never EVER connected the dots. I called him the following day (as he asked me to), one long phone conversation with me sobbing my heart out and him telling me he loved me and one very short conversation three days later as I ignored a text from him saying cheer up (the last thing I felt like doing)(he cut the call short because I wasn’t upbeat by the 2nd call I guess) and what subsequently followed was two days of silent treatment after sending him a text saying my usual “I can’t do this unless there is real commitment” etc after the 2nd call. What confused me enormously was he completely & utterly bypassed, ignored, did not acknowledge my milestone birthday. I now know I was being punished for my lack of enthusiasm for his return to my life. Late evening on my 50th bithday just there on Sunday I came across Zari Ballard on pinterest & a lightbulb blew up in my head! In the 7 years we were on/off I never got an explanation, minimal to no apology for his bad, rude, antisocial, self absorbing actions & inappropriate behaviour. I would plead, beg, email, text heartfelt love, he got my understanding, my ear, my precious time, my depleted energy, the list goes on but I never understood why it was so difficult to be with him. He always ruined holidays (as he made it increasingly difficult to have him near my family), spent one birthday with me in that time & never had i been around one of his birthdays. We had one Christmas together! I never knew I was with a narcissist…
He made promises & intimations that we would have a good life together but he didn’t want to get married. He only talked about me moving in as a last resort when I had one foot out the door. I had to beg him to come to my father’s funeral to support me, God knows he constantly talked about all the funerals he attended during our times apart & what a good guy & friend he was to others. Even told me women hit on him at these funerals! I had become a recluse in all that time & everyone noticed my decline emotionally & mentally. I am currently numb. I stopped crying the moment I realised who he was. I was an energy supply until I was no longer needed. All the memories of him acting out badly out of the blue I now know was him getting ready to leave or make me leave so he could refresh with someone else. Weirdly, two years ago a psychic told me that including me he was seeing up to eight women & not when we were apart. In no way at that time could I comprehend because he never seemed to have the energy, was apathetic, low sex drive, distraught because of a previous relationship which resulted in a child he didn’t want & doesn’t see & he was always guarded. Rarely took me out & if I or we planned something it never happened on the day. We had one holiday abroad. We fell out & I got a full day of silent treatment from him, then he would act as if nothing had happened. I began to dread & pray that every time we saw each other it would be ok. I constantly needed to check myself so I wouldn’t upset him so he wouldn’t leave. But my bf had trained me well. I never called his home out of the blue or randomly. He called me every night at 9pm, he would nap daily after work whether I was present or not. His excuse for calling me so late every night was that he was talking to his friends. A birthday/Christmas present was always given a week before the event or he would turn up on the special day near midnight. I am stunned by what I allowed him to do to me repeatedly. He had the best of my 40’s. I will not give him the best of my 50’s. P.s 7am the day after my 50th birthday he text me, “Is marriage the only way”. (The first thing he text after two days of silent treatment!). We had not talked marriage two days before & I realised my birthday was one arsenal in his bag & managed to ruin, now it was over & successfully ignored, the only ammunition he had left was the marriage topic as he knows it is what I really wanted with him. That stunned me but after reading about Narcissism, it didn’t surprise me he was using all the tools he had left. I thought, bring it on & let’s see if you are a typical text book narcissist…my reply…short & sharp…”did u get everything you needed from me? Do you feel powerful again? His reply, “Not at all”. No correspondence since. Wow wow wow. Why did it take so long, so many years to open my eyes…
June 11, 2019 at 11:30 am #52837
Pikkarru – Yes, you are describing classic sociopathic or narcissistic behavior. You were “narcissistic supply” to him. Someone to be used and depleted. There was never any love. It is impossible for him to love.
And exchanging gifts for special occasions in advance – or showing up at midnight? he was with someone else during the holiday.
I know it’s painful, but I am glad that you discovered the truth. Now you can end it for good with him and move forward.
June 11, 2019 at 11:59 am #52838
I had a similar ‘AH HA!’ when I finally understood narcissism. It relieved me of quite a bit of the anxiety I was carrying. And every time I would mentally slip into sadness and ‘missing him’, I would start reading about personality disorders and it would help me continue on my path of healing. Keeping the reality in front of us, that they are mentally ill, and that there is nothing WE can do to change it, is vital to letting go and getting back to our lives.
Good for you for getting it. It took me 25 adult years to get it, so don’t feel bad that it took you some time.
June 11, 2019 at 12:30 pm #52840
Thank you Donna for responding to this. I don’t talk about how I feel to anyone because they think it ended a long time ago but for me it was present on a daily basis. Minute by minute waiting for the cycle to begin again although I did not know I was cycling but I knew I was in pain waiting for his return. This time it was the longest gap. He said to me on Friday, “I was toying with the idea of buying you a birthday present, what do you think?”. Well right there & then I knew I meant nothing to him.
Your response triggered memories of my dad & another lightening bolt hit me… my dad did all the same things to me & my sister since we were small continuing into adulthood. He even tried it on my son & I put a stop to his manipulating behaviour immediately. Me, my children & my sister were immediately punished with silent treatment until his death years later. My mum when they were married was subjected to silent treatment for as far back as I can remember. Likely throughout there 10 legal years together.
It is no wonder that I attracted said bf & tried to repair him because I could not ever repair my dad.
This is quite a frightening revalation, that I powerfully attract destructive souls.
I am a nurse. Go figure! Not sure how to start healing but will keep reading others stories & articles because I feel I have only just opened up my can of worms.
June 11, 2019 at 1:03 pm #52841
Thank you Slim for your supportive & encouraging words & taking the time to respond. The more I write the more comes up for me. Feels raw. I am saddened to say that I think this has been happening all my life & only just realised. I was in a fairly successful marriage for 18 years by the time we divorced & we are still friendly & amicable 15yrs later, so never understood why it was so difficult to find another decent relationship after that.
I feel so emotional & don’t want to keep pouring out but being 50 IS a milestone & the next chapter of my life, so I need to do the work & create the happiness I know I deserve. It’s never felt as real as this before. But boy am I ready to face myself. X
June 11, 2019 at 1:54 pm #52842
I feel for you, having gotten away from a narcissistic relationship – your stories sure rang some bells. My first birthday with him he gave me socks. When my enthusiasm wasn’t as great as he expected, he sulked. Second birthday was a necklace and earrings – but he made absolutely sure to let me know how hard he worked to find them and how much they cost – as well as everyone who admired them. Third one he didn’t even acknowledge, even after multiple reminders, and when I complained he brushed me off – of course by then he was spending most of his time with his new source. Christmases? I bought him a new Carhart coat – he gave me socks. Again. The next year I paid for a vacation; he gave me flannel pj’s, then had the gall to say I didn’t appreciate his gifts. Just after the third (ignored) birthday I had a knee surgery – he complained about having to drive me to and from the surgery, spent the wait time in the car talking to his new girlfriend, then left me at home alone while I was bedridden for two days, claiming he had to get back to work. By then I was well aware of his new friend, having snooped into his cellphone texts and call records. For the first two years I spent a majority of time apologizing for my “non-appreciation”. Looking back all I can say is – Oh My! But I refuse to beat myself up for my gullibility — this site has taught me just how powerful these types can be in manipulating your emotions. It’s like common sense and self respect go out the window!
Even after he had a new honey, he kept trying to get me to take him back – but once I realized the truth I held firm. And of course, that’s when the character assassinations began. Thank heavens by then he was shacked up three towns away, so not much came back to me.
Stay strong and resolute. No contact forever. And good for you for taking back your strength!
June 11, 2019 at 2:42 pm #52843
I have never written on a blog before, this is new to me so thank you & to everyone for responding & “hearing” me.
Gifts were almost the same for me. He got very expensive aftershave from me one Christmas, I got a kettle, slippers & a box of biscuits! He bought Jewellery once for my birthday after me saying he never bought me jewellery & his response was the same as ur bf, complained but reminded me & anyone who’d listen to him how good he was to me. Once my washing machine broke down so I was using his but he got fed up with that before I had time to save for another one. So one day he enlisted my ex husband & children to help him install a new one he bought for me as a surprise but the surprise wasn’t the washing machine, it was the half payment that I owed him knowing I couldn’t afford it at the time.
He always got so drunk with me to the point he was menacing & uncontrollable. At a party he removed my purse from my bag which I didn’t know about. We had a falling out, I left, walked for miles for a taxi & realised my purse wasn’t in my bag. I was hysterical. He removed it so he could keep it “safe”.
My daughter had to endure my tears & pay for the taxi.
The one holiday we had abroad he told everyone, including me that he had treated me & paid for it. I had paid for my holiday, meals & own spending money!
He tried to make me jealous & often did but I never suspected another woman, EVER! BUT, his mobile was always in his car, I was never on his Facebook. Rarely involved in his friendships. Never went out with other couples unless they were my friends. Still I never thought he would be able to keep another woman because you see, I already knew he was inadequate but guess he can only stay with you so long before he is discovered & so the cycle continues.
I’m glad to hear you are free from this narcissistic man. It so good to know freedom from all this will come. There is light I know. X
June 12, 2019 at 1:00 pm #52848
I think many of us here come to realize we had one, or even more, disordered family members that may have contributed to our being vulnerable to future manipulation and abuse. My mother is a narcissist. Not high level, just a more your run of the mill sort. Boring, self absorbed, and bitter. She was a childish and selfish mother. At this point though she is pretty powerless because we all just ignore her and carry on.
I did find it helpful to look back on my childhood and see how desperate I was for her love, and to understand this made me desperate for love as an adult. It seems, looking back, that my ENTIRE life has been a search for love. It also became apparent to me that because of this I was willing to give ANYONE a chance. I invited many bad people into my life because I thought they would love me. They didn’t. They used me.
And, like you, I also had normal relationships that ended well, and without too much drama. But it was this unrelenting search to be loved ‘unconditionally’ that made me turn over every rock. Sigh.
I also ‘woke up’ to all of this around my 50th year. So I understand how this feels like a lot to take in, with less time to heal and maybe find real security and happiness. But it IS POSSIBLE.
You asked how you begin to heal? You are doing it. Being open to what really happened to you, learning about how you were targeted, abused, and used. This IS the beginning of the healing process. There is a series of articles here on LoveFraud, by Kathleen Hawk, about the stages of healing from traumatic relationships. I found them extremely helpful.
June 12, 2019 at 5:02 pm #52849
Thank you Slimone,
My mum was physically abusive to us & I realised or rationalized it away as I got older by understanding how hard it was for her to live with my dad. And it was. I guess when she couldn’t cope she took it out on us. Real beatings, bruises, hitting us with broomstick, shouting, locking us out of the house at night in our nightwear when we were 7 & 8 years old for giggling in bed when we should have been sleeping etc. Loved mum to bits & she always always apologised for this afterwards. As adults she is overkill now in her love, affection & helpfulness to us. I live further away & keep her at arms length even though I love her, interacting when I choose. I remember as a very little child dreading anything happening to her & worried like mad about her. Gosh I would make a good case for a psychiatrist! As an adult I have always worked on myself. Read hundreds of books on healing, psychology, energy treatment, courses, looked to God etc so I could understand myself & others more. I never wanted to grow up being a parent like my mum or dad & worked hard to understand how to be different from them. Healthier. I never hit my kids & always encouraged open communication. There when they need me. Love, affection, quick healing from disagreements…all things very important to me because THEY are important to me.
If I had had the opportunity to say a final goodbye to my dad I believe he would have torn me to shreds on his death bed because like you & ur mum, we withdrew our energy from him. I knew intrinsically that I would never see him again when he commenced his final silent treatment because we didn’t have the power to change him, we couldn’t make him happy unless he was making us unhappy. I will continue the articles. Today I felt light & happier at my work. Cannot pin point a time when I last felt like that in 7 years. X
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