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I would be curious to hear other people’s experiences of healing from narcissistic abuse and how they overcame the effects of it and went on to attract healthy partners and enter into happy, healthy, freeing relationships. The healing process seems gruelingly long. Day after Christmas was one anniversary since my narcissist, ex-fiancé broke up with me and I found out the day of that he is engaged to another girl. Brings back fresh memories and anger. I feel much, much healthier, happy, and free than I have ever been but still often see the effects narcissistic abuse still has on my life from jumping when someone walks into the room, to tensing whenever talking to a male, to being fearful and defensive. What small steps have helped you to full recovery and healing?
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Hi Snownfire –
I really understand what you are asking about and your experience. I love my life and have so many interests and joys and loving people in my life – yet, I am sensitive to sociopathic abuse and people of that elk will somehow arrive or arise from the past, and I have to get out my books on the subject, dust them off and do the study, and watch supportive You Tubes and listen to songs that empower me and basically go through the whole healing process all over again. The good news is that it is a process and we do come out the other side to our baseline healthy and happy self again. I am not just saying these things off the cuff because I have gone through extremely difficult and painful situations and relationships so that I can truly claim to be a survivor. But my best advice to you is when these situations arise that bring back the memories and anger and angst, to do the difficult work yet again and thus to pick up oneself yet again. I think the thing that I have come to realize is what is most detrimental is that we somehow resent having to do the work all over again, so what I do is to make a concerted effort to accept doing the healing work again, when I know I would rather be doing something else – like being happy and playing my flute or other enjoyments. On the positive side though, we do get more ah ha moments and understandings and that is very satisfying. Anyway, you did it before and each time you will be even more skilled. One day we will be like black belts ! Many Blessings and Happy New Year to you ! -
Hi snowfire. Donna has a blog. Yes, there can be love after a sociopath. It is in the blog section. You might check it out.
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Snownfire – Welcome to Lovefraud. Sociopaths, including narcissists, specialize in targeting our vulnerabilities, and we all have vulnerabilities. Most people discover that they’re not just recovering from the narcissist; they are also recovering from multiple experiences before the most recent narcissist that made them vulnerable in the first place.
Most of us, therefore, have multiple layers of emotional wounds that need to be addressed. As we deal with some of them, more may come to our awareness. Also, the recent holidays may have triggered your memories of the discard. It may seem like you’re feeling the same painful emotions, but really what you’re doing is unearthing pain that was buried even deeper. In other words, you’re making more progress.
We have lots of information here on Lovefraud to help you. Start on the recovery page – it will point you in the right direction. Also, you may find the webinars presented by Mandy Friedman to be helpful. She offers plenty of actionable tips.
Courses for survivors: Recovery from sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths
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Hi everyone,
I am back on here again and feel so much like a fool. I let the abuse happen to me again. My ex and I were able to put differences aside and I thought we were in a good place. He has obviously some major mental issues beyond being a narc. Two weeks ago, again, I caught him in 3 lies. Very small lies. When I asked him if his friends were over earlier in the day, he said no. I knew his friend was there because the friend told me. When I said he was lying, I received an email saying our relationship was toxic and to have a nice life. I confronted him because he is 52 years old and an email was very immature. We managed to talk through it. We had good conversation. We would continue to text and speak on the phone. Friday morning he texted me about the roads as we had freezing rain and said to be careful if I was going out.
Friday afternoon I messaged him then called early evening. No response. Saturday he ignored my calls and texts and it continues. I cannot believe I put myself in this situation AGAIN. I’ve been listening to books, watching videos and talking to friends. I know he is no good for me and my family. He is a liar, probably a cheater and has stoled in the past.
I need closure from this. I need an explanation so I can move on. I am stronger than before, but the not knowing is making me crazy. How do I get him to talk to me?
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Love. DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO HIM. You are wasting your time. He will lie and continue to lie. Get back to the puppy that was bringing your family together. Blessings to you.
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Love and Pain: You say you got back together and put differences aside — then he lied to you, got all defensive when confronted, and reacted by blaming you, then ghosted you for days? And yet you STILL want to get closure by talking to him? Ask yourself: What good would come of talking to him? How would it help? He is just going to gaslight you again, turn your head in circles and destroy any and all confidence you might have in yourself. He is going to tear you up and spit you out. Again. I know that you deeply desire things to be otherwise, but they are not and never will be with these types. It’s always, forever, all about him. Your feelings and hopes and dreams mean NOTHING! And they never will. Please re-read all the things so many of us have written, watch Donna’s seminars, read the recommended books.. Once you get your head into a good space, then erase this totally unworthy specimen from your life, forever. Make THAT your closure. Blessings.
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Hi SnownFire – I totally agree with the advise everybody’s given to you. My addition is to address the issue that he cheated on you – with the one who you found out he was actually engaged to. The problem with finding out that your boyfriend has been cheating on you is that the relationship will never ever be the same after that. That love and joy will never be fresh again because the trust was broken. You would never be able to feel a sense of security and well-being that he is someone that you can rely upon. This is shown by his again current lying to you. At this point it matters not what he does or doesn’t do regarding ghosting you or giving you the silent treatment – because now you can make your own decision about the relationship – it is your decision not his. As Zari Ballard says, just turn it around and say to yourself that this is not a silent treatment ( or whatever) that this is a No Contact coming from you. Then block his number and any other avenue he has to contact you because you have disconnected from him. Then of course you will need to pick yourself up to heal once again and that is just fine. You can do it ! Read all your books and watch the great You Tubes and all the ways you have to help yourself because the bottom line is that you are very valuable. Those narcs try to take that away and gaining it back is such a big part of the healing process but that will only happen when you stay away from him. Blessings
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Hi again – I reread your post and realized that you found out that he was engaged a year after the breakup not the day of the breakup – nevertheless he was engaged to you and that was too wierd that in only one years time, he was already engaged to someone else and then recently is back with you having put your differences behind – another fiancé is quite a difference ! I still think though that cheating is an issue here – whether you caught him red handed or not. And I think that is the confusing issue for you. I personally think he is a cheater from what you have said about him. Don’t allow him to run circles around you with his lies- it will just make you more and more confused. So I still think you should go No Contact on him. You don’t need to wait until he contacts you to go No Contact. Just take the initiative now and take back your power !
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Love. It is normal to want to be loved but with a psychopath you are looking in the wrong place. They cannot love Reread Sandra Browns book. women Who Love Psychopaths and articles here at Lovefraud Best to go No Contact to see things more clearly. Blessings to you
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