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Hi
I’m just wondering if you can give me some advice. I wasn’t to know until after but I’ve figured out I was seeing a narcissist and it’s left me devastated, she was absolutely beautiful looking.
She mailed me on Instagram after I had put up a break up quote regarding my previous ex…. she mailed me and asked me out for dinner. The first date she found out all my needs and what I wanted and basically gave me them all!
I was seeing her for about 4months everything was so happy (love bombing), that night she asked me out for dinner she cheated on her bf with me, I didn’t know she had a bf. It was in his house… in his bed. They had been together for 2 years. Anyway he threatened to kill me when he found texts off me etc and I stood by her and carried on seeing her (she gave me the all sob story “I really like you but I understand if you want to walk away”. So I felt sorry for her and stood by her….When I should of ran a mile!! She did say no relationship from day one to be fair to her but as time went on we Carried on doing all the relationship things…Anyway carried on seeing her and sleeping with her etc…I used to have to pick her up from a motorway near her house what kind of was a red flag, but I ignored all and pretended all good so I booked us to go ibiza for her birthday in September as a surprise, I gave her clues every week for a month so she knew what was coming….soon as I told her the final clue she did a complete u turn she sent me a snap chat of her with a lad on a date and put me in the silent treatment, she used to text me at 6am every morning saying “morning mr” that all came to a stop. She stopped answering calls and would only answer my texts if I confronted her??. Anyway when her bf kicked her out of the house 4 months ago she “lost” a pair of designer I replaced them £650 for her bday (she’s money obsessed)….. Anyway last Monday I needed answers why she did a complete u turn! I went to her parents house like a weirdo ! She told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and told me she doesn’t like me like how like her and she said let’s be friends…So I called her ex to apologise and he told me she’s been seeing someone else and also sleeping with him again so it’s knocked the life out of me. Feel like I’ve been a secret / lie all along. I was giving her my all when I was just a thing on the side. She said I was a comfort blanket for her when she needed one ? she’s blocked me on everything fur calling her ex. So we have been no contact for 1 week now. Do you think she will hover me? I miss her and how she made me feel? I wish I could just hate her but I can’t ? I’m struggling to get up out of bed in the morning. It was only 3 months should I feel like this ? Is she 100% a narc? Sorry for all the questions guysMany thanks
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Let it go. Even if she does hoover you, it’ll start the whole drama all over again and it’ll be even worse because each time the cycle starts it gets worse. You’re hurting but it will pass. Just ride this storm.
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jimbob88,
No doubt you are in a lot of pain right now and only time and no contact will heal you. I speak from experience as I dated a narcissistic man for 5 months and it left me beyond confused and in emotional agony. In the beginning, this man love bombed me and spoiled me for the first two months and then his mask slipped when I witnessed him having a narcissistic rage attack against his son. I knew from the beginning that things weren’t right but I ignored my instincts. After a couple more months, he started the devaluing phase because he suspected that I knew too much and he couldn’t pull anything over me. I planned my escape and he went nuts. He pulled out all the stops – pity play, triangulation, guilt trip, etc. and when I finally caved, that’s when the real abuse started. In his mind – how dare I leave him. The cost to my emotional health was dire. I became addicted to him and he knew it – I went from being the woman of his dreams to an unpaid hooker. He knew that the sex was amazing and used it against me. He told me I would be alone forever and that I would never find anyone who would love me like he did. He had another supply lined up immediately and he didn’t hesitate to post pictures of him and her on Facebook, all the while texting me to taunt me with sex. 6 months after our breakup, he texted me to tell me he was engaged and even sent me pics of their rings. That is the tip of the iceberg.
It took me about 2 years to heal from this experience but I could only do it with no contact with him. I thought I would never get over this man. Do I still think about him? Yes, but Im not obsessing over him and stalking his FB page like I used to.
I recommend the following:
– Read everything you can about Cluster B personality types (knowledge is power!)
– Meditate
– No contact, no contact, no contact (this includes cyber stalking and avoiding any associations with him)
– See a therapist who is knowledgable with narcissitic abuse
– Feel your feelings and breathe through them
– Talk to those you trust and ignore those that tell you to get over itKnow that you are NOT alone – many people have experienced what you are experiencing and your feeling are very normal.
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Dear Jimbob88, you don’t have to do anything to get her back except to leave her alone. As she is a narcissist, she may come back all on her own some day for another round of games. What you feel for her is like an addiction you would have to a drug. You need to be strong and break the addiction. It is very painful, but something you need to go through. Eventually, you will look back and see all the red flags, such as the fact that she already had a boyfriend she was cheating on. And you’ll know next time you see those red flags to heed the warning. Anyone who cannot break up with their spouse before they start another relationship is showing signs of weak character at very least. It takes a strong character to have a healthy relationship.
Meantime, get to the gym, take a class, do some things to make yourself feel better. And let yourself feel the pain of the loss – it may take a while. You will need to be strong for the next time she comes around. Don’t let her hurt you anymore – you are worth more than that.
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The narcissist has the ability to alter our brain chemistry. The love bombing, mirroring and other narc traits enable them to hijack our physiology (love hormones).
When I finally broke free of my narc/liar/pervert…..it felt as if I were going through heroin withdrawl. Shaking, insomnia, no appetite, sweating, vomiting, weight loss, intestinal problems. That lasted for about 3 weeks. Then came the emotional fall out (yearning for the narc, rage, grief, sadness,etc).
Hooking back up with the narc- after I went through hell on earth to break free was not an option. This time, I knew he would just do the same things again- over and over (lie, cheat, deceive). This time, I had help from people who knew what I was dealing with.
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