Never saw it coming!

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  blindedbylove32 10 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #44327


    So, this is my first post about this “situation”. I had met my spath almost 20 years ago and we casually hooked up. He chased me and chased me, but I didn’t want a serious relationship. We both eventually went our separate ways him having 3 failed marriages, he wound up moving back to our hometown, I had left the state for about a decade then returned. Unexpectedly, my exhaust falls off my truck, so naturally I called up my little brother and he told me bring it on up to the shop. He was using the lift to work on his truck after hours. I drove on up there, grateful he would fix it. Apparently, my soon to be spath saw the lights on and stopped to inquire about a part for his diesel. When he saw my brother he was like so good to see you, sorry about your sister. He thought I had died in my motor vehicle accident that left me in a coma for a month, among other injuries. My brother laughed and said she’s right over there!! I thought that I knew him but wasn’t sure, so I pulled my brother aside and said did I date and/or sleep with this guy? He already knew what this spath was all about, so he lied and said no, no never. Well, the guy came up and gave me a hug and asked if he could take me to dinner. So, of course I accepted! He’s smoking hot and drives a diesel, duh! That was where it started…Had dinner, told some stories about me in great detail, and I asked “Do you have ulterior motives because I wouldn’t get serious with you back then?” He said no, asked where I was staying and I said I have a hotel until I find a place. This tool wooed me until I melted in a puddle in his lap!! So, after a month and a half I was so wound up about not finding a place he told me he received a corporate discount at a swanky hotel. Wined me, dined me, made passionate love (or so I thought), and told me he thought he was falling in love with me!! I’d been so wrapped up in all the glitter and glam, thought he was the one, even though I never want to marry, I thought God himself had put this man at the right time, right place. Destiny, fate and all that crap. Well, he snagged me, hook, line, and sinker. What a joke looking back at it. Well that’s where the trouble started, couldn’t contact him when we were meeting at our hotel, had to sleep in my truck. Then poof he was texting me the next morning, asking me what my plans were for the evening…I was like what the heck is going on with you? Didn’t you know we were supposed to meet at the hotel? Made some lame ass excuse. I rationalized it away. My bday rolls around, no text, call, no gift, nothing. Valentines same thing, we had gotten into an argument a few days later, and I said why can’t we just talk like adults?? Then in his alcoholic drunken stupor calls me by his ex-wife’s name! Do you know how unbelievably pissed I was? Well, I knew the code to his phone and held my breath as I typed it in. Look there, the whole time we’d been seeing each other he had been telling her everything he should have been telling me! Oh, yeah, did I mention that he messaged her a valentines day wish and bought her a necklace!!! I’ve been letting this go for almost two years now. I wound up finding a place and he didn’t approve, so more reason for him not to come over. I finally get a new place with my own money, give him a key to come and go as he pleases. Was drunk the other night, called me by another woman’s name. Wow! By the way, I’ve told you how he hasn’t initiated sex in months. Great! I got back in his phone and he has been paying for prostitutes. Do you know how awful I feel? I’m sure a lot of you do. This is my first experience with this kind of relationship. So, he doesn’t know I know his infidelities. He stayed here this past Friday night and left without saying goodbye or why was I asleep on the couch. Haven’t heard from him since. I literally vomited when I found out about his BS. I knew something wasn’t right, intuition and all. Just couldn’t put my finger on it. I am completely blindsided by this and I don’t know how to feel. I just bought the audio book When love is a lie by Zari L. Ballard. Wow! I need to educate and become informed, knowledge is power. I will survive, and I will recover. Thanks for hearing me out.

  • #44328


    blinded It is helpful to realize their motivations for interacting with others are totally different from ours. they are not motivated by the instinct to build relationships. they are motivated by personal gain.

  • #44329


    I’m seeing that now, even though I don’t want to believe it. My love was true, his was fake. I’m coming to terms slowly. I am a grateful recovering addict so I know I have to trust the process while recovering from this too. Thank you Sunnygal.

  • #44343

    Donna Andersen

    blindedbylove32 – Yep, looks like you got hooked by your very own, real live sociopath. I am glad that you figured it out, even though it feels bad.

    Make sure you have No Contact. Also, please know that these relationships are addictive, so everything you learned in your previous recovery applies. One day at a time. And if you break No Contact, you have to start all over again.

    Be good to yourself.

  • #44344


    blinded yes, his motivations were different from ours. when you recover from this relationship, you can help others as you have probably done with your other addiction. best wishes.

  • #44357


    Thank you Donna & Sunnygal

    It’s been a long eight days, I’m feeling pretty anxious today. I have been keeping busy. The house is spotless…which I see that as if my house is in order then so am I. So, I’m getting as much information as I can because I know battling my addiction-Using is just a symptom, you got to get down to the core problem, and that is with him being a spath and I being a woman who loves to much-we just keep going around & around. It’s so exhausting…He kept me isolated. The kicker to this-I came home to be with and see my family, to build relationships with them, really get to know my kiddo. I haven’t seen them since xmas. What a joke! My mother, God love her, she gave me a new copy of Women who Love too Much by Robin Norwood. My very own toolbox to help me see his actions/reactions clearly for what they were and how to not join in if you will. WOW! Guess what? My roommate said hey I’m going to the library what books do you want? The only one I could think of was hers. I saw a lot of me in the wrong way and a lot of him in the wrong way. We were feeding off each other. It made me nauseated, I’m 37 and never been married…my mind thinks I’m running out of time, lol! You know what the strange thing is? Every abusive relationship where they actually beat the hell out of me-I left and never looked back and was fine by myself. I feel like I’m dying over here. He hurt me worse than all of my physical abusers. I think I know why, I never received bruises on the outside-this was an inside job.
    I want to thank every single person whose wrote articles, posts, comments, comments to me. This is a wealth of educational, informative, and honest sharing.

    So sorry for all the rambling on, I had to get some of this out.

    Thanks for having this site, it has opened my eyes so fast, I’m glad I don’t have to go on forever thinking I did everything wrong.

  • #44388


    Blinded, This is the PERFECT opportunity to completely disconnect from him. It can be horribly painful, lonely, and sickening. But just like a hangover if given adequate time, rest, nutrition, and abstinence, it will pass. Sandra Brown’s book is also a good one for getting to know why and how we get entrapped in these sociopathic relationship scams. These ‘inside jobs’, as you so aptly described them.

  • #44390



    Thank for the encouragement.
    I am doing the NC, it’s very difficult. Thoughts keep racing through my head on how I could have, would have, should have. I’m not to blame for his actions or reactions. Nor am I responsible for making excuses for him anymore.

    I have strayed from my primary purpose of coming back to my hometown; to make amends with my family, and to repair the relationships with them. Especially my son. My Mother said he may not want to. I’m not going to push it.

    I’m a little bit better at the moment. Normalcy is something I used to pretend I had, but I’m enjoying just doing mundane things like laundry and not have to run right back to where he can “keep his eye on me”.
    I still have that feeling like someone punched me in the gut, but I’m hopeful with time, like in my other recovery, this too shall pass. Abstinence worked in that aspect, as it will for this.

    I will look into the book you suggested.

    Thank you, I appreciate everyone’s feedback.

  • #44415



    I know when I stopped all contact I would literally have good ‘moments’, not even days, really. It changed from moment to moment. Then it did turn into days, weeks, months, and now it is a complete non-thing. I have zero feeling toward that relationship or person. But it took a considerable amount of determination and time.

    I found myself processing many of my past relationships with this new knowledge, and I came to understand how I had been involved with a bunch of personality disordered people. Family, friends, and lovers.

    Breaking my OWN pattern of attraction was painful, and made me very vulnerable and insecure. But the great news is that having done so has now had the opposite effect, and I am happy, secure, and feeling infinitely more grounded in my own being-ness.

    Hang in there. Make sure you sleep as much as you are able. Eat. Try to move some, and just treat yourself well. You need to rejuvenate from all that taking and hurting he dished out.


  • #44434


    Hey All,

    Besides work, I haven’t been out in public anywhere. I know, it’s sad. I’m sad. I have been eating more and taking vitamins. Since he’s not around anymore, I’ve noticed my hair hasn’t been falling out in clumps anymore…That’s good.

    I keep having flashbacks of the lies he’s told, the pictures, and texts I’ve seen. It literally cripples me. I haven’t cried very much, nor have I threw a super bitch fit. I ask myself why I haven’t, it’s perplexing to say the least.
    Thanks again for all of your support.

  • #44466


    ***Hello Everyone***

    Trust in the process-My mantra when my mind wanders off.

    I deleted every text he ever sent, yes, even the locked ones, it was so scary-dating back to 2016! I read a few from back then, I read between the lines…Wow! It startled me to see how it really was. Never again, will I enable, be co-dependent to, or dismiss every red flag, and live in his fantasy world that he creates for his love-bombing act. **Notice I didn’t say my fantasy…It’s all his women.**

    Anyways, I have been keeping a journal and on our first dinner date I recalled something that just turns my blood cold.

    So, on our first date towards the end of dinner, I said OMG you had chased me all that time back in the day..”Are you getting back at me?” “Do you have ulterior motives?” He looked me right in the fucking eye and was so genuine, took my hand in his, and replied “Why would I ever try to hurt you?”

    That’s sick, HE”S sick

    2 weeks, 3 days

  • #44471


    blindedbylove3, my ex did the same when we were just friends…telling me odd things & I did not call him out because I did not want to be rude to him and I was quite shocked at what he was saying…which is what they want = for their victims to remain silent about their odd behavior. But I saw everything the second I met him but ignored the RED flags.

    Glad you see the truth of who he is, and that YES he targeted you!! YES!! He is sick!! The original term for a sociopath was “Morally insane”..I think that suits them to a t!!

    Congrats on No Contact = 2 weeks 3 Days!! Great JOB!!! 🎉👏💪😊

    • This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Jan7.
  • #44473



    ***Thank you***

    I was nervous about posting anything at all…finally I just had to get it all out. Surely someone would listen.

    I felt such a great relief & it feels good to share my story to help other victims.

    There seems to be a common thread with all the stories I’ve read here and anywhere I could find online.

    I’m so glad to feel a part of, instead of a part from.

    still 2 weeks 3 days

  • #44479


    Blindedbylove3, You’re Welcome! Glad you posted. It does help tremendously, just to vent things out of your mind, when dealing with the initial phase of the No contact rule. SO just keep posting, even if someone doesn’t respond right away, you have cleared your mind = gives you some peace & calmness.

    Yes, all of these sociopaths have common threads to their behavior = so bazar how their brains work. It’s like they all read the same text book on how to manipulate good kind hearted people.

    During the nightmare of the relationship with a sociopath you (we all) felt so alone…so it is so comforting to know, not only do we have an answer to their bazar behavior, (they are a sociopath), but to have this wonderful site to connect with other victims to lift us up in our darkest days & nights.

    I always say that, the sociopaths of this world never counted on victims lifting each other up, nor did they count on Donna Anderson & Terry to educate us all on the nightmare that we were dealing with.

    So glad you found out the truth about this guy and found your way here to this wonderful site called Lovefraud.

    Wishing you all the best!

    Take care.

  • #44481


    ps This happened to me too: “Since he’s not around anymore, I’ve noticed my hair hasn’t been falling out in clumps anymore..”

    Look into adrenal fatigue symptoms. There is good info on Adrenal fatigue. com and Dr Look at the symptoms list on both. You might have been suffering with adrenal fatigue.

  • #44484



    Are you referring to Sandra’s book titled “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved”? I have it on audio, and downloaded. I also have “Disarming the Narcissist”, “Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship”, “Healing from Hidden Abuse”, “The New Codependency”, and “The Sociopath Next Door”.
    Should keep me busy, as well as informed.
    ***Thanks Again***


    I’m glad I posted too! It does bring a stillness of my mind, and a tranquil state to see things through the “fog”.
    I have done a small bit of research on Adrenal Fatigue, and unfortunately I do have some of the symptoms. I will continue my research to find out that if the vitamins I am taking will help, (I’ve only just started) or if I need to add any others. ***Thanks for your suggestion!***
    I agree with you with all my heart that our Sociopaths never would have dreamed that we would lift each other up, share our experiences with them, and I too, thank Donna & Terry. The audio book I’ve listened to 4.5x, said this is the site she joined, and suggested I did as well. Even though I’m hurt, angry, confused, I have been given valuable information by wonderful women like yourself.

    I’ll keep posting, regardless of replies, no matter what!
    ***Thank you!***

    2 weeks 4 days 🙂

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