Need advice

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  PhoenixRising2015 1 year, 9 months ago.

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  • #39521


    I am looking for some suppport and answers. I have been with my spouse now for the past 7 years. About two years ago things started to dramatically shift. I was told that I suffocate her and that I am abusive and do not want her to have friends. To give you all a little history when we first got together 7 years ago her life was in crisis. She was in the closet, on the brink of bankruptcy, living a live with several masks for different people. She is also a functional alcoholic. A year into our relationship I had broke it off because she would not come out. She said she did not want to disappoint her mother and friends. Prior to me she was in a closeted relationship with another woman for 7 years and would date men to show her mother and friends she was straight.

    One night about 5 years ago she was very drunk and physically abusive towards me. I kicked her out and she then started counseling. Things were great and she was doing really well in counseling. She stopped drinking and set boundaries with her family of origin and some friends. She told me that she discovered that her mother is a covert narcissist and that her father was an alcoholic enabler. She admitted that she has traits and worked really hard them. Life was good at least I thought.

    Now back to two years ago. Her brother is a herion addict and I believe suffers from BPD. He had an OD and she blamed herself that is when she told me that I suffocate her and never supported her relationships with her family and old friends that did not support her being gay. She fired her therapist and got a new one. She made me out to be the devil and would say I was abusive. She started drinking heavily again and would become verbally and physically abusive to me. I would engage with her which I learned from my own therapy got her off the hook for her behavior.

    For two years she would drink daily, stone wall me and not talk about anything. Our home was toxic. In September she moved out of the house. I was upset at first because I found out by a change of address notification. She did not tell me or my children from a previous relationship. We have been separated since September. I feel good about this and feel it was a blessing. I am working really hard on moving on with my life. She tells me know that she loves me and wants to be with me. However, I do not see her actions changing at all. We go to marital counseling and she admitted that she has narcissistic traits. Everytime I attempt to move forward with my life she seems to know how to suck me back in.

    Her father now suffered a massive stroke two weeks ago and is in hospital. Since that time I have not been able to say I want a divorce. She has told me that she needs me but it feels like she is using me. She has been going to the hospital almost daily and staying and taking care of her mother. I am at a loss as to what to do. I know in my heart that she has these personality traits and now with her father being sick I feel there is no hope for her to recover. I have learned in therapy that I am fixer and I don’t want to be any longer.

    Any words of wisdom, advice is much appreciated.

  • #40054


    I’m a fixer too, so I can relate. Only thing I can say is fix yourself first. Focus on you. That is not a selfish act. If you can’t take care of yourself, you’ll be in no shape to take care of others. That’s how I think about it anyway.

    This may be harsh, but I think something to at least think about – there will always be SOMETHING she’ll find to drag you back in. Her situation with her parents is terrible and you can empathize with that. However, I don’t think there will ever be a “good” time to do it. So don’t be cruel, be true to yourself, but if you were going to start the divorce process, start it.

    You’ve waited long enough. You’ve tried enough. You’ve given enough. Now, instead of focusing all that energy on her, focus it on you. Focus on your healing and on moving forward.

    I’m not saying to make a rash decision, but it seems like you’ve thought a lot about this and you know what you want to do. So take a moment, reflect, think, listen to your instincts and then follow them.

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