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New here — help!

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Jan7 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #45367

    steph66
    Participant

    Hi folks, I’m new here — found my way via Zari Ballard’s book “Love Is a Lie’. I’m pretty sure my partner is a narcissist – he ticks all the boxes. Can anyone give tips please for getting out — especially around money as I am 52, with 3 homeschooled kids and he controls all the finances. Not married, and pension etc all in his name. He’s earning £150K/pa, regularly drinking £150 bottles of wine and taking his parents to Michelin restaurants, while I’m shopping in charity shops for me and the kids and literally counting every single penny. He begrudges the kids even hiring £3 dvds on AmazonPrime. Not in touch with my parents as they were abusive too, so no family support. I’m thinking I should just stay put til the kids reach 18 so they still have a home and stability, but that’s 6 years away. He’s about to retire and will be home all the time. We only have to breathe and it annoys him. Is it a case of just jump off the cliff and hope for the best and see where you land? Or should I stay and bide my time? I’d be really grateful for your advice or thoughts please. Sorry if I seem weak; I wish I could be stronger and just leave.

  • #45370

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Steph66 – I am so sorry for your situation. I understand how difficult it is when he has done his best to trap and control you.

    Perhaps you can set a goal of leaving, but take your time planning your escape. Try to figure out a way to build some resources, hide some money, make copies of all important documents. Do your best to have a plan. If you leave impulsively and are forced to come back, it will be far worse.

    Your choices aren’t necessarily to leave now or stay for 6 years. Perhaps with planning you can leave in 1 or 2 years, and stay away.

  • #45388

    jasmina
    Participant

    I am so sorry for this feeling of being trapped. Take time to plan slowly and leave when ready. I just feel if I were you I would put all my effort in making a getting out plan. little by little you can do it. especially if there are shelters nearby?

  • #45389

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Steph66- Sorry for your situation. hope it will end before 6 years but if not at that time you and your children will be free. you can come here to vent.

  • #45393

    steph66
    Participant

    Thanks for your kind words. The wierd thing is I am not afraid of him as he never physically abuses me. It is more the constant undermining and fault-finding and crazy-making. I feel afraid of my own inability to stand on my own 2 feet. He makes me fee like I can’t do basics like boiling a kettle or turning off a light switch properly and is constantly lecturing and correcting me — though he never lifts a finger to help unless there’s a visitor in the house so I don’t know how he’s come to be such an expert. He’s constantly telling me I’m not “normal” and he is and his life with his previous wife was “utopia” and I ruined his life. He’s constantly saying he’s going to leave, and half of me wishes he would and half of me is just afraid I wont cope.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  steph66.
  • #45395

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Sandra Brown has a good article- ‘i’m not what you say i am’. you might google it.

  • #45403

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    you need a support system to leave. welldoing.org is a support center in london.

  • #45404

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Steph66, sending you HUGE HUGS!!! 💜💜💜

    My ex h, a sociopath, was the SAME exact way with regards to boiling tea water in the microwave no less. You cant mess that up…but he made me feel like I was not able to fill up the tea cup with water, place it in the microwave & push a few buttons. I was broken down by this constant belittling just like you hon. Sociopaths do this to have POWER & CONTROL over us.

    I know you feel like you are stuck in this toxic environment, broken down emotionally, most likely emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted from this daily chaos & drama he creates. We have ALL been exactly where you are now. Everyone one of us. Some how we all were able to muster up enough strength to crawl out of hell, thank goodness. And YOU can too hon. You have this amazing internal strength that you just need to tap into further. Once you do, you will RUN out of this horrible toxic relationship and NEVER look back.

    How do you get to that point?

    One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time or one minute at a time. Be kind to yourself every step of the way.

    I want you to know that YOU HAVE MADE AMAZING STEPS OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP SO FAR!!😊 You researched his abusive ways which lead you to Lovefraud, you are researching things here at LF and most importantly, You had the COURAGE & STRENGTH TO POST HERE!! THIS IS HUGE!! These are amazing steps out of this abusive relationship. PAT yourself on the back & give yourself high fives!! See what you have done so far out! It’s not easy to post on a site…it’s scary, you might feel embarrassed that you are in this type of relationship but never the less you had the STRENGTH to post!! 💪💪💪💪😊

    1) First things first…get your health in order.

    The daily chaos & drama a sociopath creates on their mate will harm your health, so much so, that you feel mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted and this will keep you in the stuck mindset & physically suck in this toxic abusive relationship.

    Most if not all victims of a sociopath have PTSD. Most likely you are suffering from this right now. I believe the root issue of PTSD is Adrenal fatigue.

    Look up the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue:

    Dr Lam. com

    Adrenal fatigue. org

    just google symptoms of Adrenal fatigue.

    Some of the Adrenal fatigue symptoms include: racing mind, brain fog, memory loss, feeling stuck, anxiety, depression, sleep issues etc etc.

    Look into a Endocrinologist doctor to get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency, cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance etc etc.

    2) Contact your local abuse center & GO to free counseling & free women group meetings. Both will allow you to not only have a place were you feel safe but also have a place to get help with a Domestic abuse safety & exit plan out of this abusive relationship.

    In the USA Domestic Violence Hotline website/ 800-799-SAFE. If not in the USA then just google “domestic abuse hotline”.

    you can also google: Domestic abuse Exit plan you tube, Domestic abuse Safety plan you tube and then without the words “you tube”. For more info.

    BE SURE TO CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME YOU SEARCH EITHER LOVEFRAUD OR ANY OTHER SITE. FOR YOUR SAFETY!!

    3) Look at Lovefraud’s home page & scroll down to the Yellow Box section & read everything. Ask question here, vent what ever you need to know post here.

    4) Tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on in this toxic relationship. Ask them to come to Lovefraud to educate themselves on what you are enduring everyday.

    Ask them for help formulating a Exit plan with the help of your local Domestic abuse center.

    Please know that the most dangerous time for a woman in a abuisve relationship is when she is either getting ready to leave or has just left her abuser. SO PLEASE HAVE A SAFETY & EXIT PLAN OUT.

    5) Find a counselor that is extremely knowledge with domestic abuse not all understand personality disorders or how the abuse effects a vicim. If you are in the USA look into Mary Ann Glynn (Lovefraud) free online support here at Lovefraud just do a search up at the top right corner of Lovefraud. She is excellent

    6) Watch Donna Anderson’s videos up at the top of LF. Watch them over & over to open up your mind from this evil man’s brain washing & Mind control.

    7) look up these terms here at love fraud & the net:

    Gas lighting abuse
    No contact rule
    sociopath smear campaign
    sociopath triangulation

    YOU CAN DO THIS…ONE DAY AT A TIME MAKE LITTLE STEPS OUT. During this time BIT YOUR TOUGUE do not fight with you mate what so ever. Just tell yourself I’m getting out in your mind. Or vent here.

    WE HEAR YOU, WE BELIEVE YOU, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! 🌺💜🌺💜

    Wishing you all the best!!

    Take care.

    ps. He treated his ex wife the SAME exact way that he is treating you now. He abused her to the point she crawled out of his hell and RAN!!

    YOU ARE NORMAL HON…he is the one that is disordered! Remember that. DO NOT take anything he says to you to heart. It’s all to control you…dont let him control you mentally. Dont let him rent space in your mind.

  • #45405

    Jan7
    Participant

    ps: Ask your local abuse center what your rights are with regards support financial from your mate or if they have a knowledgeable lawyer who can help guide you threw the process of leaving him. Also keep in mind that your children are also living in a toxic abusive home. Best to find a way out not only for you but your children deserve a better healthy loving environment.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  Jan7.

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