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This is a TED talk. You can search it.
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Sunnygal,
Thank you for your post. It is very true what the talk says. Great sex with psychopaths creates instant trust (in victims, not them).
With my ex there was lots of intense eye contact, hand holding, cuddling. He always insisted on cuddling when we meet, before anything else (as lived in different cities, it was about every 10 days). I remember I’d go into this trance like state when he held me, pretty much from day one. So of course I did not ask questions where he was and my red flags would go silent. If you add fantastic sex into the mix – I’d be left in a trance for about 48 hrs in the early days, would seriously be not capable to think straight.
This is why recovery from them is so difficult – we are literally fighting and weaning ourselves off the addiction. Not just to him but to the chemical high.
But there are other ways to ge oxytocin – massage, spending time with animals, kids and of course time with trusted friends! -
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Just read the original post and the conversations that followed. AhHa moment for sure. Yes, my SP used sex. And he was good at it. It never waned. And I was fooled into thinking it was real love. But now I understand the science of it, I can apply that to my healing. So very helpful! Thank you Sunny and Donna! I feel that remembering back to the beginning with this new information can alter those old ‘wonderful’ memories, disolve them into what they really were, and ease my aching heart! I can get past this addiction. He will always be addicted to power and control. I win!
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Shecomeundone,
No contact and time will make triggers (e.g. great sex memories) fade. SP use sex and affection (e.g. cuddling) very strategically. They watch us to see what we like and use that to hook us in (can be cuddles, eye gazing, a bit of kink, or using certain terminology – e.g. my ex used to say “wife” as in “making love to my wife”, which was really a tool to keep me hooked in waiting for us to get married. Forgot to say he already was married to someone else, oops). He also insisted on holding me close for a very long time when we meet (we lived in different cities and did not see each other often initially). That I believe was deliberate also, to make me hooked.In hindsight there were contradictions in his stories and some self disclosure in early days (“I was a womanizer and a sex addict, but I respect women. I have been playing the field but I am really choosy”). Commenting on sexual performances of his exes and comparing (at the time favourably) to me. I did not know what it meant so ignored his comments and was too hooked on his stories. Which started as a lengthy on line correspondence which felt so right that even before I met him in person, I felt I was preparing for a date with destiny. I’ve reread the early emails after we broke up and it is clear that he just mirrored anything I said back to me.
Mine was also a control freak – but would always pretend to be so fair and equal, I’d say a feminist.
We know their tricks now. We win indeed!
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