How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Discussion of female sociopaths › Please help! Female sociopath using son as a hostage.
August 13, 2017 at 5:03 pm #41822veenut77Participant
::: TLDR :::
I strongly believe my soon-to-be ex is a sociopath. I’m worried she’s using our son to hurt me. I believe he’s in true danger and there’s nothing I can do. I even think she will harm our son if it will make her look like a victim to get what she wants. He’s only 5 months old and has no idea the hell he will grow up in. I made a terrible mistake and am begging for help from anyone with experience on how to handle something like this. Please.
::: FULL STORY :::
Warning: This is a long background, but I had to get my thoughts out since they’ve been building up. I desperately need help/advice and don’t know where to turn. I feel I’m alone in all this and losing my mind.
For the last 2 years have been living in my own personal hell – let’s call that hell Mandy. I was 33 and pretty lonely at the time. Until then I was focusing on my career and hadn’t dated in 4 years or so.
When I met Mandy, she was petite, athletically fit, attractive, and very unassuming. She looked like she couldn’t hurt a fly. I liked that we could strike up a conversation well and talk for hours.
It started out very intensely. Constant phone calls/texts that lasted all night long – to the point where I couldn’t get anything done because the calls and texts wouldn’t stop. I thought it was kind of weird, but nice to get all that attention after being alone for so long.
All that changed a few months in, when suddenly there was a “mugging” and she was too scared to stay at her place anymore, so she wanted to crash with me “for a few days”. She never left.
I thought it was very sudden that she was living with me after only knowing her for a few months – especially since she never even showed me her place at all (apparently she was very private person and has trust issues). I felt bad because of all the unfortunate things she went through in her life. (abusive ex-boyfriend/raped, taken advantage of, cheated on, and now mugged). This was all her word of course, but at the time I believed her and wanted to make sure she was okay. Worst mistake of my life.
Not long after moving in, the explosive arguments began, like clockwork, every 4 days. It didn’t matter what we were doing, or what mood we were in. Every 4 days, she blew up in full rage and it didn’t matter what it was about or where we were. The worst part was, when this happened, I couldn’t leave or ignore her or calm down at all. If I left the house, she followed me down the street screaming at me. If I got in the car, she would sit in the passenger seat and refused to leave. In the few times I managed to get in the car and get a hotel for the night, I would come home the next morning with my front door wide open, my home robbed, and Mandy’s nowhere to be found (she was in a hospital due to “panic attacks”). This ensured that I could never leave the house overnight again or else she may “forget” to close the door again and the house would get robbed – again.
Of course at the time, she had plausible explanations for all of these unfortunate events that kept happening. And after a few days of her trying to persuade me, I just tried to forget about it and move on with life.
Because of her trust issues and unavoidable 4-day fights, I eventually had to change banks, pharmacies, barbers, and grocery stores to avoid embarrassment from the people I used to see every week. This also included no longer having friends.
Of course I could see what was happening and I told her she needed help. She agreed, but never actually quite made it to a doctor. I did love her, and I thought her erratic behavior had to do with all of the horrible things she went through. I thought with enough time, she could get better – she just had to be around “the right person” and learn to trust again.
Speaking of trust, she was incredibly distrustful of everything and anything. Constantly looking through my phone and accusing me of recording her and scheming behind her back. I thought it was her trauma, so to show that I had nothing to hide, I gave her access to everything. Of course, she never did the same. I thought eventually she would come around and slowly trust me. It never happened.
She then wanted me to quit my job so I could help her start her new business (she lost her job as well at the time, due to all of the fighting every 4 days – it left both of us mentally and physically exhausted for days afterwards). I said I would help, but afterwards I would need to get another job ASAP.
So, I spent a few months building her site and when it came time for me to get another job, she sabotaged each and every interview I had. She even screamed at my recruiters over the phone while I was in the middle of an interview. It was fruitless.
Then she pushed me to get married – and I thought the 4-day fights were bad before. The pressure she put on me to marry her was relentless. I kept my ground though and said only when we improve as a couple and I get a job again would I consider marriage. Unfortunately, that didn’t fit into Mandy’s plan.
After 2 months of constant fighting and pressure to marry her – Mandy somehow got pregnant – while supposedly on birth control. She said it was a “miracle”.
So, for the baby – we got married.
After our son came (about 5 months ago), things were really going downhill. I was still without a job and Mandy suddenly realized that she also needed me to work because she was running out of money to pay the bills. Suddenly, Mandy stopped sabotaging my interviews and allowed me to leave the house without fighting and causing a scene. The problem was, I was out of work for over a year at this point and getting another job wasn’t so easy (which I warned her about).
I remained unemployed until about a month ago when I finally moved out of town and away from her. She first fought hard to prevent this, then suddenly seemed supportive up until the day I left. The night before my first day of work, she out-of-the-blue called my hotel all night long to make sure I lost enough sleep and was miserable for my first day. The next day she apologized, said she loved me and everything would be okay. That afternoon, I got the divorce papers. This was my life for 2 years.
Now comes the stuff that truly makes me ill. She said I abused her and that I’m unstable and has cut off all access to our son. The only way she will let me see our son is if it’s in her house while her and her family watch over me. I’ve proposed literally every other scenario where I could see him either alone or with a third party and she’s rejected every attempt. She even changed pediatricians and I have no idea how he’s doing or if he’s okay. Sometimes she’ll leave voicemails saying “Just to let you know, we had an emergency and were going to the pediatrician” – but she won’t tell me what the emergency was, where the pediatrician is, or if he’s okay. She just leaves me hanging. She’s done this half a dozen times already. I still have no idea what happened or if he’s okay.
I feel like I’ve been in a trance for the last few years and I’m slowly waking up from it. I’m reading the stuff I’ve written and I can’t believe I stayed in this relationship so long. What the hell is wrong with me? If any of you are reading this, I swear I’m just as surprised as you are that this wasn’t shut down sooner. She can be very manipulative and she ALWAYS gets what she wants. I’ve even seen her repeatedly humiliate her own family in public and they seem to be just as submissive to her as I was. Her parent’s never tell her “no”. They never give her boundaries. They’re terrified of her and I now know why.
If anyone is still reading this, I need your help. I need to know how to handle her and get my son as far away from her as possible. I at least want to protect him from her so he can have a normal life. If you know someone who can help, I currently live in the Baltimore/DC area. Thanks for reading.
August 14, 2017 at 11:37 am #41828Donna AndersenKeymaster
venutt77 – I am so sorry for your experience. The woman has a serious personality disorder – maybe antisocial or borderline. But the diagnosis doesn’t really matter; it is a nightmare.
First of all, you were targeted from the very beginning. I doubt she was mugged. All of her other stories of abuse may also have been fabricated.
Second, are you sure the child is yours? If the boy is not yours, I recommend that you walk away.
If the boy is yours, then yes, she will use your child as a pawn to get what she wants.
The key to whatever you do is documentation. Track everything. The following may help you.
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