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Please HELP me figure this out….how do I manage this?

This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Stargazer 9 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #41309

    bluejeans
    Participant

    I think I have figured something out and I was hoping someone can give me some ideas with how to manage this behaviour to limit the damage to me. I realise that now I am aware of it, thats helpful in its own way…

    So I am married to someone who has issues. Im not the one to diagnose but I suspect he is either a Narc or at east has Co-Dependency issues.
    I have recently detached from him and left my marriage but we started trying to put our marriage back together about 6 months ago. All was going really well seeing each other at weekends and having a really nice time. BUT ( were you waiting for the ‘but’!) I have come to realise how he messes with my head and makes me feel so awful.

    On the whole he is really good to be around, pretty ‘normal’ and steady. Then he is completely charming and nice, complimenting me, taking me out, being supportive and helpful. Lovely. THEN its the things he does which make me feel as if I don’t matter at all. So this is the realisation I have had. I can see when he’s doing it now and I have just woken up to how it makes me feel and I don’t know how to deal with it – any input would be really helpful.

    He does these things which really bug me and I wasn’t sure why, now I see they make me feel like ‘I don’t matter’ I am nothing.
    So for instance he will turn the TV over without asking me when we are watching it together. He will turn the light off and go to bed leaving me sitting in the dark. He will cancel holidays without telling me or discussing it with me. He will waste my time by getting me to drive over to meet him somewhere half and hour away and then when I get there say he wants to go somewhere else instead. This makes me cross as he has wasted my time and fuel and feels like he’s messing with me. Its super frustrating. He did this just the other day. He will leave the house and not tell me he has gone out. He will make plans for us both and not consult me. all these things add up to me feeling like I don’t matter.
    SO I am caught in this mixture of elation and confusion. I feel safe one minute and wrong footed the next. Its classic abuse I know. I just don’t know how to deal with it. We are working on things and want to have a better relationship but I am not sure how to address this. It really affects how secure I feel in this partnership. I do have trust issues with him but don’t really have any reason to feel that way except maybe this feeling of insecurity which comes from him going hot to cold.
    Im not sure anything can be done but we are working on ‘us’ so I would like some ideas on how to approach it please.
    Thanks for reading.x

  • #41310

    hindsight
    Participant

    Blue jeans, I am sorry your husband is making you feel bad. First thing is to understand that there is no way for you to make him change or act differently. If he cared about your feelings, he would never have repeatedly ignored them in his actions. A better understanding of this type can be had by reading Evil, by H G Tudor. Then read Fuel by the same author. I think it will bring you some clarity and perhaps coping mechanisms if you decide to stay. Best of luck!

  • #41312

    bluejeans
    Participant

    I am not trying to change him as such, but we are working on having a better relationship, he knows he has issues.
    I was wondering how best to approach this with him. How do I explain this to him?
    He just seems to oblivious to me sometimes. Is that my issues or his? But I know I can only work on mine so Im asking for some ideas on how and where I can work on this on myself first. Is it my self esteem? DO I need to speak out when he does these things? Would he do them if he cared about me or is he just not able to do that? Is there any way forward?

  • #41314

    Redwald
    Participant

    This is very strange behavior on his part. When he does these things, he’s behaving quite literally as if you weren’t there at all! Some of it could be just thoughtless, of course, but some it is downright weird. How can anyone turn a light out and leave someone sitting in the dark, if they knew perfectly well that person was there?

    Does he do these things just now and again, or does he go through moods where he ignores you much of the time? What does he say when you address these behaviors with him? Does he express concern, or does he shrug it off or ignore you?

    I have no idea how aware he is of what he’s doing, whether he just doesn’t care, whether it’s some strange mental quirk, or what. I don’t blame you for feeling disconcerted by this behavior! Anybody would! Perhaps professional counseling can help you sort it out, one way or the other? Meanwhile, if you can’t get him to change the way he’s acting, all you can do is try not to take it personally. That is, to realize–and keep reminding yourself–that he does these things because of the way he is, and they don’t reflect in any way at all on you. That protects your self esteem.

  • #41324

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Bluejean, Im sorry you are going thru this craziness. Your gut is telling (maybe screaming at) you who he really is…so listen to your gut!! You know something is not “normal” with your husband.

    So believe this!!!

    What you are describing in his behavior is NOT normal!

    My ex h a sociopath narcissist would do many of these types of things everyday. I now know it was to mess with my mind. To keep me off guard from seeing the full truth i.e. he was a mentally sick man, his cheating etc.

    Sociopaths, narcissist etc love love love to screw with someones mind to push them of their normal mindset.

    Why do they love to do this? To have power & control over the person!

    During the winter if I said I was cold in the car & was going to put the heat on, he right then & there without warning or a word would roll the window down fully! Even if it was 10 below outside!! YEP!! This is the craziness they do to screw with you. They want to fight you…I was never a get in an argument kind of person & he knew this.

    In the house he would tell me to watch how much we spend on heat for the house during the winter. I was always cold because he would want the thermostat set to 50 degrees. YES!! crazy. I would go to the bathroom to brush my teeth at night before going to be & would come out to the bedroom window wide open when it was below freezing. He knew how to push my limits. I did not like to be cold so he control me though these means. The money was not a problem we both made 6 figures!!

    My ex would tell me 30 minutes before we had to leave about dinner plans he made with friends the day before!! He did this again to stress me out & mental control me. I would tell him I was not going to go without me because of the short notice and he would begin to yell until I was so frazzled I would just take a quick shower & go. Never being able to do my hair or take the time to dress properly. Again this was to control me & make me look bad in front of others. This is what these people do!!

    Other times he would tell me of an event say a Company Christmas party literally that day…this was not forgetfulness. this was done intentionally because at the time unknown to me he was cheating on me with a coworker and did not want me to go. Everything they do is planned!! But they leave you in the dark!!

    Like your husband my ex h a sociopath could appear normal & have normal behavior but then these things would happen throughout the day causing anxiety. My blood pressure went thru the roof dating him & then marrying him. I always had low blood pressure.

    In their minds: If you are “confused” = they have control over your mindset!!

    My marriage was an emotional roller coaster ride everyday!!

    Sounds like yours too!! This is one of the keys to determining if you are with someone who has a personality disorder.

    Right now hon it does not matter what personality disorder he has. Right now it’s important for you to know that you are in a emotional & mentally abusive relationship.

    Did you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is NOT physical abuse?

    NO!! The bulk of domestic abuse is mental, verbal & emotional abuse.

    I would recommend that you look up these terms here at Lovefraud up at the top right & also on the net:

    Cycle of Abuse Wheel

    Gas lighting abuse

    narcisiist Triangulation

    narcissist smear campaign

    Narcissist no contact rule

    Domestic abuse exit plan

    Domestic abuse safety plan

    **I would also recommend that you go to the “home” page of Lovefraud and scroll down to the “Yellow box” and read everything there. Also Go to the top of love fraud and click on “Videos” and watch every one over and over.

    **Find a counselor who understands narcissistic abuse. NOT all do!! So you will have to interview them. I think Donna has a few recommendations in the “yellow box” on the home page.

    ** Also you can talk with Donna Anderson here at love fraud for a small fee. She was married also to a sociopath so she can help you. Just go to the top of Lovefraud and look at the “contact” section.

    **I would also recommend that you go to your local abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings to sort out your relationship. You can call your national domestic hotline to talk with a free counselors & to get local center numbers. In the USA the National hotline number is 800-799-SAFE 365 days a year. Check out their website too.

    **When you have time get a note book out and write down all the craziness that your husband has done to you since day one or to your friends family etc. Then bring this with you to your counseling.

    BE SURE TO CLEAR YOUR HISTORY ON YOUR COMPUTER!! (FOR YOUR SAFETY).

    The most dangerous time of a victim of abuse is when she is planing to leave her abuser or has just left so be sure to get the help of your local & national abuse center.

    PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE HON REACH OUT FOR MORE HELP and come here to vent & ask question it really does help.

    Look also at the site Psychopathyawareness. wordpress

    If you have children do a search on love fraud for One Moms Battle. com and see their Facebook page. IF you chose to chat on Facebook I would recommend that you open a fake email & then a fake Facebook page.

    Glad you had the courage to post here today.

    Hugs to you!!💜

    take care

    ps Dont tell your husand what you learn at these sights for your safety and also open up to your most trusted friends and family.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #41326

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Bluejeans, I just moved up a post on the homepage for you to look at and wrote the words “Bluejeans watch this video”. Its a video with Donna and A therapist named Mary Ann. IT will help you to see your confusion as a warning sign!! Do a search at the top of Lovefraud on Mary Ann & if you can contact her she seems very educated on this type of abuse.

    If you cant find it in the left side column of the home page then do a search at the top right side of LOvefraud with title: “Confusion: The top warning sign of an abusive relationship

    Also google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch their video on listing to your gut. Right now hon your gut alarm is going off. So pay attention to it.

    Gavin Debunkers book is The gift of fear. Your local library may have it.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by  Jan7.
  • #41334

    bluejeans
    Participant

    Oh wow, you ladies are so lovely.
    Thank you for all your replies, I wasn’t sure if I would get any!

    Im not sure if he does these things deliberately, when I react to them he kind of shrugs me off….or just looks at me in a confused way, sometimes he looks completely fed up with it and reacts about me always ‘going on at him’.

    Such as the other day when he asked me to meet him somewhere, it was not on my way home or anything, just a nice place we liked to go to.So I said okay, see you there and was looking forward to a nice evening, relaxing and having a nice meal.We had spent the day doing separate things so it would be nice to share our day over a nice dinner in the sunshine, right! So I got there, he was late by 20 minutes. That was ok, he was with his mum who has Alzeimers so I knew he wouldn’t be able to leave at a set time, its more a case of leaving when she’s distracted. So I got there and ordered a drink and waited for him. He turns up and sits down and says shall we go somewhere else, to a cafe he liked on the motorway home. He fancied something they cooked there. So I had to rush my drink and go there. I did say he had wasted my time and fuel and why didn’t he suggest this in the first place? He just shrugged.

    He has wasted my time a lot over the years! He often asks me to do something for him ( Im a graphic designer and I do adverts and posters for his business) and I have done the work and then he says he doesn’t want it anymore. Just infuriating.

    It does feel as if he either doesn’t realise or he doesn’t care. Either way I am beginning to see that this isn’t healthy for me.
    We have so much positive stuff together but this is crazy making.
    I will talk to him seriously about it when I have his attention. and we will go froorm there.

    Its little things like when I start to talk in the car he turns the radio up louder….!!!

    I know I have two choices, put up and shut up or get out! But I think I would feel better if I gave him a chance to behave differently. Hey maybe he doesn’t realise what he’s doing. I think I need to sit him down and make sure he understands how these things make me feel and then if he carries on then… I know. sigh.

    Thank you for all the articles to read too, and the video, I will watch that in a minute.
    xxx

  • #41366

    Madelaine
    Participant

    “he messes with my head and makes me feel so awful.”

    Enough said. Get out. You two are not working on “us”. It can only ever be about him and his needs and his wants. Anything else is a lie.

  • #41370

    Stargazer
    Participant

    Bluejeans, Did you ever watch The Wedding Singer with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler? It might be a good movie for you to watch so you can contrast a selfish guy with a caring guy. I don’t know whether your guy is disordered but at very least he is thoughtless and self-centered. A true narcissist when confronted will turn it back on you and say you’re the self-centered one. Even if he doesn’t throw it back on you, he is showing his character (or lack thereof). You need to ask yourself if this is someone you want to spend your life with. You don’t need to settle. I’ve dated a few self-centered guys like this. They can be so charming and give you the sun, moon, and stars, then turn around and leave you hanging. One guy actually stood me up on a first date. He had been working late and forgot! He showed up the next morning at my door with two bouquets of flowers and a huge apology. It melted my heart. But that no-show was just a small sample of his character. I overlooked the no show. Over the next few years, there would be many more selfish behaviors, even though he also cooked for me and was devoted to me in other ways. As someone who has had lifelong abandonment issues, it was nice not to have to worry about his leaving me. But I had to ask myself if his character was good enough for me. It wasn’t. It was painful breaking it off, but I know I deserve better. I may end up alone but I will remain single until I find a man of strong character who knows how to treat women.

    Ideally, you would have seen the signs before you married him. But life is short. If you are unhappy with him, don’t waste any more time with him. A person’s character generally doesn’t change.

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