July 24, 2017 at 12:26 am #41595
How many of you get constant pressure from your psychopath/sociopath/narcissist? As I stated in another post, I have been married for 20 years to this man, a diagnosed NPD/BPD and a serial cheater/liar with hookers. He has now been in a 12 step program for just over 3 months and very committed to that and therapy and being Mr. Helpful. He is starting to heavily pressure me and our older daughter (15) about how “changed he is.” He has done this many times in the past, since 2011, and ALWAYS returned to the deception, cheating and lies. He always claims “this time is different.” Yet, it never has been…but this is the first time he has been so “all in” with his resources. The red flag is that he tries so hard to CONVINCE us to buy into his “change” and his “new way of thinking.” I dont pressure my daughters to spend time with him, but my 4 and 15 year old want to. My 13 year old wants NOTHING to do with him. When he gets any time with us, he almost immediately goes straight to talking about how much he has been impacted by the support group he is in, his therapy, and his “new and changed way of thinking.” I just don’t know if this is real or a major masked attempt? He is fighting so hard for me and our family, but he is also aware of the consequences of a divorce (bringing to light his prescription fraud where he got Cialis (for his hooker use I assume) by calling it in pretending to be his family doctor) and his tax fraud/income under reporting. Not to mention all the prostitute use coming to light, plus he made an attempt in May of this year to leave and “never come back” by going to Mexico and claiming he would kill himself. This was done in reaction to me having an appointment with my lawyer to keep the divorce moving. He never went, but he spent $16,000 on this trip and has not yet got a full refund. He is just so over the top. He had a clean STD test last week, so feels that we should just start a “clean slate” and let him be the “man I always deserved” (his words). I don’t know what to think. I don’t think he can really change, but even if he could, it couldn’t all happen in a few months. He just wants to keep trying to convince me/the kids how dedicated he is and he gets frustrated when we don’t buy in, then he quickly back pedals and says stuff like “I know you don’t believe me now, but I will.” Or, “if you would just spend time with me you would see this time is different.”
It is so exhausting but if I am being fully honest, I am hesitant to finish the divorce due to the cost. I am starting a new job, tomorrow, and I just don’t have it in me to also deal with an epic court battle/financial battle. I have three girls that are with my 99% of the time and life is just so busy….. Divorcing a disordered person just sounds so hard.
Yet, he may royally screw me over someday, not like he hasn’t already, but I know it may get even worse.
July 25, 2017 at 12:13 am #41599
You might consider the pros and cons – divorcing is likely to be difficult and possibly dangerous for you, yet not divorcing is not a good life either. It’s a difficult decision to make. I can understand your choice to have a ‘wait and see’ position at this time in your life, especially with a new job. It may be helpful for you to have some time to observe his behavior and draw conclusions. You may find yourself having some insights as you learn more about his disorder.
My ex psychopath also talked a lot about himself changing – usually that change was just around the corner. He successfully deceived me, until I understood from his consistent behavior that he did not change.
In my experience people who effect real change generally don’t talk about changing – they talk about real content and they do things differently. For example, they express remorse at the harm that their actions have caused others and they convey their new understanding of specifically how their choices hurt you. They begin keeping their word, acting in ways that take the well being of others into account. They desire to repair the relationship for the benefit of others as well as themselves.
People who really do change don’t have to tell others they have changed – it’s clear by their actions. Also, people who really change don’t have a need to keep telling others they have changed, their desire is to do things that increase the well being of others – that is what the change is when someone changes from not caring or wanting to harm others to wanting to contribute to others’ well being.
Real change is generally predicated on new information. A person realizes that his choices hurt others, a person realizes that his choices are against his core values, or similar. In the biblical account of Paul’s change of heart on the Road to Damascus, Paul learned that he was not serving God by persecuting Christians, which he had believed to be true. This was the reason for his change.
When my ex spath said he had changed, I would ask him why? He didn’t have an answer, or he’d make up a hollow sounding response that didn’t jive with the reality of what he’d been doing and what he was currently doing. A person who really has undergone a fundamental change in his choices and the direction of his life is able to explain the reason for the change.
Pressuring others to accept his alleged change for his own benefit sounds like your ex is doing what he’s always been doing – lying and manipulating so he can get what he wants without regard to how others feel.
July 25, 2017 at 8:12 pm #41608
He is being more helpful and available for the kids, but….it still feels like an act…probably because it always has been in the past. I am also refusing so many offers of his help because I am just….mad…and I want to stay detached. What is hard is that I could really use the help just because of my busy life with the three kids and my job, but I feel like anytime I let him do something for me, he throws it in my face about how “we just got along great when I came over and helped you fix your lawnmower.” Then he acts SHOCKED that I don’t want him to come over and have a glass of wine and hang out with me and our girls, just shocked. It is all or nothing with him…. My biggest frustration with this is that he keeps saying “I know you don’t believe me now, but you will.”
I do see change, but my gut tells me it is all surface change rather than deep lasting change. I also hate how his most recent horrible actions were only a few months ago, yet he acts like it was in the very deep past! Things are always ancient history with him a minute after he does anything wrong and gets caught. Sigh…. I do want a divorce, I just fear so much the difficulty and emotional/energetic expenditure. I am already exhausted daily…. Definitely not an easy path either way.
Annette, thank you for your thoughtful response. It is very helpful for me to bounce around my thoughts on this site as I go through this confusing difficult time of gaining strength and courage to actually be done and mean it! I have been so used to letting him call the shots over the last few decades that I am still waiting for him to give me approval (subconsciously) rather than just divorce him regardless of his protests and reasons why it is such a bad idea.
July 26, 2017 at 2:05 am #41610
Quoting Annette: “In my experience people who effect real change generally don’t talk about changing… it’s clear by their actions.”
Absolutely right! There’s a crucial distinction between people who truly EFFECT change, as Annette said–people who put genuine change into operation–and people who merely AFFECT change: those who pretend to an APPEARANCE of change, without changing in reality! What a beautiful example of how spelling can make all the difference in the world to the meaning of a phrase!
July 26, 2017 at 4:44 pm #41612
20yearswasted – this is the truth:
I do see change, but my gut tells me it is all surface change rather than deep lasting change.
Trust your instincts. He will not change.
July 27, 2017 at 2:33 pm #41629
20yearswasted, we have all been where your are mentally & emotionally now hon. You want to believe their words & you want to believe their new actions. You want to save your marriage. But from my own personal experience & reading other victims experience…your husband is NOT going to change.
He is Lovebombing you now. He is pretending to be a “good guy” until he moves back into your home & into your bedroom…then he will drop the “nice guy” mask and resume his old ways and his abuse will become 100 times worse then he did in the past.
The day I had confirmation that he (my then h a sociopath) was involved in a two year affair with a co-worker, I was done…but he was not going to let me escape his evil grips. So my ex h said he would “do anything I required of him” to “save our marriage”.
He cried, sobbed, begged me “I love you not her” for hours & hours till I finally gave in to his endless begging. He (they) are like a child wanting a cookie and wouldn’t give up until they get their way. And finally, you are mentally & emotionally exhausted from all of their words that you just give in to their demands to “save the marriage” when it was THEM that tore the marriage apart.
I told my ex h (then husband) that day that he had to stop drinking, needed to go to individual counseling etc etc. Guess what he promised that he would change.
HE NEVER CHANGED!!!
Never stopped drinking & never went to individual counseling & never completed one thing on the list.
The abuse got worse, he broke my spirit fully…I literally crawled out of hell a shell of the person that entered into this abusive marriage.
He won. That is why he wanted me to stay. He wanted to break my spirit fully. That is what they all want to do. They have a motive…If they cant have you, no one will have you.
SAVE YOUR SOUL 20yearswasted!! Save your soul!! Break free from this evil sociopath!!
Look at Lovefraud Donna Anderson “Recovery package” post (do a search up at the top right courner) and break free!!
It will be the best give you have ever given yourself & your children!!
He is all talk & pretending to change…all narcissist & sociopath are all talk & pretending.
How many more years are you going to “waste”??
July 27, 2017 at 11:47 pm #41641
Dear 20years, people CAN change. But not sociopaths – they are incapable of real love. After 20 years of being with this person, you are probably confused and worn down. He has disrespected you so many times that it almost seems normal. My perspective is that if a guy cheated on me just once, I don’t think I could take him back. It is one of the deepest betrayals I know. Non-disordered people who hurt their loved ones like that would feel extreme guilt and remorse and go to great lengths to prove themselves. They would understand your trust issues. If you think there is a chance he really changed (which means you don’t think he is a true sociopath), then I would set some very firm limits and take a giant step backward. Make him prove himself before you let your guard down with him again. If he becomes impatient with you or pressuring of you, then he does not understand his betrayal and not worth taking back. I definitely would not sleep with him until you know for sure he has changed and feel you can trust him again. If that day never comes, then so be it. Don’t let him pressure you. Your life belongs to you, not him.
July 27, 2017 at 11:48 pm #41642
I will add to this by saying that if you feel you have wasted 20 years of your life with this man, he probably is a narcissist or sociopath.
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