Recovery after 5 years…..

[end1213]

Hello,
this is my first post and I actually came across this website after reading a book about being in a relationship with a narcissist. It has been 5 years since I have ended the relationship with the N but I still find myself having difficulties day to day almost. It has greatly impacted my current relationship. Is this anyone else?? For me, I have only really recently realized my ex was a N. I just thought he just didn’t love me and that that’s why I endured the abuse. It isn’t until reading the book “When Love is a Lie” that I truly had the epiphany that he was a N. Her story was my story and now I am mixed with emotion of anger and hurt all over again. I was very fortunate that I got out even though not realizing what he was. I just knew “this person doesn’t love you and you will end up dead if you don’t leave.” He was physically abusive of course. The first a-ha moment for me was reading an article about narcissism and gas-lighting. It was so profound and I only wished I had read that article so many years ago. Maybe I would have saved myself the pain. Then again maybe not because I, like many people on this website, probably would have been manipulated in the worst ways and taken them back. Even though I have initiated the no contact I will admit he contacts me regularly and its only now I realize the deceit. He doesn’t truly miss me he is just seeing if I will give into the supply he needs. For the most part I have been great with not commenting back but recently I have given in to having conversations with him and immediately regretted it bc I gave him the power he wanted from me. Of course he has this delusional memory of our relationship and even though he says he is sorry for how he has treated me, still denies a lot of what he did. His apologies are very broad and only remain on the surface which has led me to being very angry and blowing up, making me look like I am the crazy person. I guess I am here looking for guidance from anyone else feeling this way or has been through this even with so many years passing.

[Donna Andersen]

end1213 – I am sorry for your experience but glad that you are finally realizing the truth of what he is. Perhaps you didn’t see previously that he was disordered as a protective measure – maybe you weren’t psychologically able to handle the knowledge years ago, but now you are.

In any event, do not have any further contact with this man. Take back your power and cut him off.

Then, I recommend that you work on your emotional recovery. The anger and memories are coming up now, so now is the time to deal with them. We have many articles that may help you – look in the Recovery category. You may also find some Lovefraud webinars helpful.

[end1213]

Thank you Donna,

Yes I am no longer in contact with him. I think the reason I am having difficulties is because I am only really realizing that he is a N. I didn’t talk to him for over a year and even then it was always very short or I wouldn’t even respond at all. I got sucked in because he reached out and apologized, said he was a changed man, that he was a father, and after having his daughter realized the changes he needed to make and was truly sorry for the pain he caused. At first I responded and listened but it didn’t take long to see that he really hadn’t changed and he started to go on tangents that were all too familiar. I realized that he still was the same person and he was trying to manipulate me again. What prompted me to finally stop was the denial of certain things in our relationship. Denying of abuse or crazy behaviors he had. I just realized that we will never be friends and the thought that he would even think we could also shows the level of manipulation. I am on the path of healing now and I think coming to this website is a great step. I found it hard to talk to people about my situation because unless you have been in the situation, people find it very hard to understand why you stayed and why you endured it for so long. So for 5 years I said nothing and kept my mouth shut but doing so I never allowed real healing to take place.

[Sunnygal]

end1213 yes, No Contact is the way to healing.

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