How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Red Flag Online Dating Profile
May 23, 2018 at 3:38 am #45605
It has been almost a year since I have had any contact with the psychopath who targeted me, and I have created a cautious online dating profile. Last night I received this man’s profile among my matches, and I think it screams ‘I am out to scam someone with money.’ What do you think, Lovefraud readers?
Witty sense of humor and likes to have fun (my job is to embarrass my children…we have a blast together) also very objective and not judgmental but definitely have a higher “EQ” than average person…looking for authentic, cultured professional, classy women…so if you don’t know who David Yurman is or my good friend Tiffany….we’re not going to be a good fit; -)
Creative, artistic and a “Type “A” personality who is very driven and intense.
51 years old with a 16-year-old girl who is a junior at [Redacted] HS, 2 sons, 18 and 20 who are in college.
Love to make last minute plans on occasion for a long weekend, with or without kids.
Chatenuef De Papa is my favorite wine along with Cabernet’s from Napa and a few hidden gems….red’s my favorite.
May 23, 2018 at 7:04 am #45606
Zoe this is a good topic. I dont know what that is except to say “yikes”! Strikes me of narcissism. I doubt he would not be judgemental lol. Im happy for you that you are ready to get back out there. I remember my sp’s profile talked about being laid back and that we (whoever) would have lots of good times. Yeah, if by good times he meant nearly destroying me. Also, little did I know he was lying about his degree and job. And, subsequently I found another dating profile with a fake name and a bunch more lies. Good luck! Keep being cautious:)
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by traumatized41.
June 27, 2018 at 4:50 am #46079
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May 23, 2018 at 9:55 am #45609
zoe7 – yes – your radar is working. He is obviously looking for someone with money – most likely to scam.
May 23, 2018 at 4:52 pm #45613
Thank you for your response, Donna. I really appreciate it. If you so how incongruous his photos were to the things he says that he likes, it would be even more obvious.
Your site has meant a lot to me in this past year. Thank you for everything that you do for all of those who have been targeted.
May 23, 2018 at 10:13 am #45610
How an you tell he is looking for money? Im trying to learn:) cause of the wine and napa and going away for weekends and that he is looking for a classy professional woman? I noticed he didnt say anything about him working lol…I think i answered my own question.
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by traumatized41.
May 23, 2018 at 5:17 pm #45614
The online profile only seemed superficial to me at first, mentioning Tiffany and David Yurman, but then when he could not even spell the name of the wine that he said was his favorite (and it is a VERY expensive wine) I said, hmmm.
Most straight men do not give a hoot about expensive jewelry, maybe watches, but not Tiffany’s and not Yurman, no matter how much money they have. They might know these are expensive and desirable brands to many women, and might even pony up for these as gifts for their wives/girlfriends, but they do not brag about this generosity for the most part, because they are not actively seeking gold diggers. Nor do wealthy men expect women to buy expensive jewelry for them, in my experience.
What I believe he was naively trying to do is mirror what he believes rich women want, and say he expects “classy” women to be into these things in the hope of being seen as part of that wealthy in-circle. Instead, to me, he stuck out like a sore thumb.
The wealthiest people I know tend to try to hide the fact that they are rich. You usually know they have money because of where they live, went to school, what type of career they have, and the clothes that they wear, not because they come out telling you, “I am filthy rich,” nor do they (usually) suggest it.
Another thing that gave him away was his syntax, grammar, and spelling. While there are certainly very wealthy people with mediocre/no education, most have a way with language that speaks volumes about their status. This guy clearly has no class, and as I said to Donna, it was especially belied by his photos. He looked more like someone you might see at a dive bar, and those are great fun, but if you go to places like that then you probably would not come off as a pretentious poseur.
It might have been easier to spot the psychopath who targeted me if I had seen his online dating profile. Instead, I met him in person, and he had already snowed all the people around him to believe he was a very wealthy entrepreneur. It was not hard to believe, because everyone believed the myth, and he was throwing around lots of cash, at first.
Well, it turns out he stole it, to the tune of over a million dollars, from more that a few women like me. Sigh. I am just glad that this person is out of my life, and I hope headed for prison, but we’ll see, and either way, I will be just fine. I know that you will, too.
May 23, 2018 at 6:28 pm #45615
Hi Zoe7, This guy’s post is a marching band of RED flags!! The biggest Red flag is he is “Type A’ personality.
I would highly recommend that you do a search on LF (upper right corner) on “online dating”…it’s a very dangerous world and online dating is the most dangerous place to meet someone. The main reason is, you can easily get sucked into a sociopath con game by their words alone via the net. Sociopath troll these online dating sites endlessly for easy prey. And they can con many people on line at one time. Remember actions speak louder then words. But with online dating you dont see someone actions like in regular dating, instead you must rely on their words whether they are truthful or not.
For me, I would never date online = to dangerous. It’s best to find a club, organization or group in your city to meet new people and then if you have romantic interest in someone you have a group of people to look after you, give you advise i.e. “no he is not a good guy to date here are the reasons” or as a sounding board if you do start to date in the group.
The site Meetup. com use to be free and it listed all the groups, clubs & organization in city/town etc. Not sure how they are now but there might be others sites that list these entities or you can see if there are any government agencies in your town list clubs or organization in your town on their site. This is much better also when you meet someone in person listen to your first gut instinct = it is usually always accurate.
Google: Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube…to watch their video on listening to your gut instinct. Gavin’s book is The gift of fear (your local library may have this book).
Your gut instinct with regards to this guy’s online post is accurate = dangerous guy!! Good job listening to your gut. If someone sounds to good to be true = it should send up RED flag alerts!!!
I know that you meet your ex sociopath in person, so did I, but I ignored my gut instinct the second I met him & the next time I met him. I was confused by the fact he had a large group of friends. But the biggest take away for me is to always listen to my gut regardless is others dont have the same gut instinct…just follow your own gut instinct jus like you did with his post here.
Remember sociopath literally use brain washing, mind control, trance & hypnosis to control others even via the internet i.e. dating sites. Another reason why not to online date. plus they can break into your computer & also into your computer phone camera. Beware!!
May 24, 2018 at 5:58 am #45625
Thank you for your supportive response. I agree with you completely. “Type A” personality is a big red flag, as is “intense”.
I have also read other lovefraud members mentioning “drama free” as an indicator of potential predatory behavior. The man who targeted me complained constantly about his ex’s (only, SHOCKER, turns out she was still his legal wife, and they had only briefly and casually separated) need for drama. In truth, his entire world was a soap opera that he created and starred in.
As the other members said, he was grooming me to be as self-less as possible in the “relationship,” if you can call it that. Our only real relationship was predator and prey. Once he told me that his (not) ex-wife might show up at the hotel where we were staying because “she liked to party there with her friends.” That seemed very strange to me.
I told him that if she were to show up, I would leave the hotel, and him, immediately. Sigh again. I did some things right. Sometimes my instincts were right on, and I acted on them with him. When he was really making a play for money he would say, “Let’s make that investment right now. It is the deal of a lifetime, and it has to happen today. Then we can go home, and make love…”
Though we were regularly intimate, he never used the phrase “make love” unless he wanted money, and I would always smell something fishy. Even then I was aware of oxytocin, and the bonds it creates around physical intimacy. “You must think that I am easily controlled,” I would tell him, leaving.
It is true that he tried to steal much more money than the amount that I made available to him, but still, I feel like a fool. I am a pretty savvy person, a city kid who grew up having to be wary of strangers, and still, I fell for him. It is a lesson that I will never forget, and I hope to continue to grow from it. I now see patterns in the men that I am attracted to; bad patterns. I am working on changing that.
About online dating, I have met decent men in the past that way. This time I bought only a minimal subscription, and really use it for the entertainment that reading some of those profiles provides more than anything. I suppose that I am still jaded, and a bit bitter about what happened. Sometimes it seems like all men are a bit predatory, but deep down I know that good ones are out there. I just need to adjust my radar so that I don’t look past them in favor of the handsome, egotistical jerks I have chosen previously. Baby steps, I guess:/
May 25, 2018 at 11:10 pm #45651
Zoe, saying the only relationship you had was one of predator and prey is so true. Right on. So sad though. Hoping you and all the other survivors on here find some enjoyment this weekend recognizing that we survived the predators repeated attacks and they continue to live a life of no value.
May 26, 2018 at 6:17 am #45652
Agreed, T41. The fact that there was nothing real about his feelings for me, or his desire to create a life together hurts worse than the financial loss, which was devastating in its own right.
A male friend of mine compared sociopaths to tree snakes. You think that you are just enjoying life under a beautiful tree, and then it seems like the tree attacks you. It shocks you to the core. Just the thought that there are so many predators out there who will resort to any means to achieve their twisted objectives is horrifying.
I do think, that thanks to lovefraud, and other resources, we survivors are getting ahead of the game. So thanks again and again to Donna Andersen. She has been a godsend to so many of us.
I hope that you enjoy your weekend, too, T41. I have had a couple days off work (hence the extra posting) and it has been glorious!
May 23, 2018 at 7:49 pm #45618
May 24, 2018 at 5:59 am #45626
Agreed, Sunnygal. I hope no one falls for it, or that he attracts the same kind of gold digging person I believe him to be.
May 25, 2018 at 10:18 pm #45649
What my sp’s online dating profile should have said:
Hi, I am … I enjoy hockey. I graduated high school and can’t hold down a normal job because no one will hire me due to my work history and criminal background. Well, even if I could get a job I wouldn’t keep it for long because my true desire lies in manipulating people out of money. I don’t discriminate who I will con out of money whether it be family or an unsuspecting person who answers my ad for flooring work.
Now, onto what a relationship with me will be like. I will make you feel like you are falling in love with me if you date me. I will flatter you and make you feel like you need me. I will occasionally slip or maybe get pleasure out of telling you that I am antisocial, I don’t have or want friends, and that my only two motivators are sex and money. I promise you our sex life will be great in the beginning but then I will use that against you and to degrade you when I begin devaluing you. I will confuse you on purpose and flat out deny that some things ever happened. In the beginning, i will tell you how much i love and need you but that will disipate unless you have money to supply me with. I will even use the tragic death of my daughter to play on your need to help others. I will lie to you about everything and compare you to others I will never let you meet. When you try repeatedly to break free from me I will pull you back in. Until of course you find out i have been hurting your dog. Then I guess you will make me leave but I will want you to live in fear. I will not pay you a dime back and honestly never will have had any intention to do so.
Message me if this sounds like what you’re looking for. I already love you so much.
May 28, 2018 at 1:15 pm #45671
The imaginary online profile that you posted sounds very much like the psychopath that targeted me in 2016. When I found out (via Google) that he was a convicted felon (after I had already made an investment with him) I felt like my stomach was in a vice.
My first Google search (prior to the investment) had been cursory because he insisted the window of opportunity for this venture was closing shortly. (Another common theme.) Since he had been using a variation of his name socially and professionally, the mugshots did not come up.
Once I saw two or three of the mugshots I realized why he had told me that his parents had another child with the same given name who had died. “You mean he died as a child? That is so tragic.” “No, he died just a few years ago…” — at a time that correlated with his own release from prison. At the time I thought, who are you, the George Foreman family? I know a few people do this, but it is very uncommon.
Interestingly, he did have a business interest (which he probably got by conning the attractive owner into a partnership) and had been lauded for some volunteer work in the community. I think that was just a cover for his underhanded dealings, and a bid for media attention. The information that I discovered in my first search all indicated he was an upstanding citizen.
Some people in his town must have known about his stint in prison, and still “liked him” and dealt with him in person. So many of us are soft hearted liberals who think that everyone deserves a second chance. I still believe in redemption, just not for psychopaths.
I am so sorry about your dog, T41. I lost my dog because of that monster’s fraud, and I miss my best friend so very much. I hope that we will all emerge stronger because of these ordeals. I feel myself rising from the ashes every day now, so I have hope for all of us. When I am ready to have another dog I think I will name her Phoenix.
May 26, 2018 at 11:55 am #45655
“…looking for authentic, cultured professional, classy women…”
I think he may be married or at very least a serial player. If not seeking money, he uses money to control. That would be my take, particular with the use of the word “women” instead of “a woman”.
- This reply was modified 12 months ago by Stargazer.
June 3, 2018 at 7:05 am #45734
Good point, Stargazer! He is looking for WOMEN with money. The more the merrier, in his eyes…
May 27, 2018 at 7:55 am #45658
The online profile looks scarily similar to one posted by my SP ex. He was “enjoying travel, fine food and wine and weekends away”. Though he forgot to mention he had an adult daughter (found out 3 months later) and that was married (said he was divorced…but forgot the remarried bit).
For the next 3 weeks he mirrored me on line. When we had a lunch date he was 30 min late (but said I was early). I did not have a “wow” I expected from our online chats (after a few emails he felt like a soul mate, same experiences, likes, etc). But I did not listen and carried on with it for the next 4 years and only broke it off because I hired a PI and found out this man lied to me about everything. Starting with his place and date of birth!!! Despite having 2 relatively normal “admirers” at the time (introduced by mutual friends), both were long divorced, with grown up children and financially stable with good jobs. But of course they did not feel like “soulmates”, there was no desire to rip their clothes off so I chose excitement over common sense. Lesson learnt.
From personal experience of online dating, I would try and look at an alternatives such as a Meet Up in your area (e.g. trying new restaurants if food is your thing or art outings, dancing, languages, etc). It is a lot harder to hide face to face. Depending if you are a sporty person, golf courses (there are some affordable public ones), tennis courts, gyms etc are better ways to meet people.
Online dating can work if you are after something strictly casual, but even then one needs to be careful.
May 27, 2018 at 8:00 am #45659
Single mothers tend to be especially vulnerable to online predators. I was mine 3rd victim (plus his current wife was also a single mum when they got together).
Some of it because we are easy targets (loneliness, tiredness). Many of us retained a family home in divorce settlement (can provide him free housing). And our children are targets (either to have a hold over us or for future exploitation, including sexual. Mine mentioned that his second wife’s husband filed child molestation charges against him on the basis that he was inappropriate with his then 13 year old step daughter. According to him it was all made up “as there was nothing, she just used to serve me coffee naked whilst I was in the shower”. He actually told me that story!!!!
So for all single mothers out there – please be careful!
May 27, 2018 at 8:05 am #45660
Congratulations Zoe7, your gut told you that this guy was dangerous. And you listened.
Always listen to your gut (even where it is in conflict with your head!).
May 27, 2018 at 10:04 pm #45667
The sociopath is so sickening. Honestly, our stories like 3rd time lucky are so utterly disturbing, and the general public has no real dea what is lurking around (I know I did not) We all know now and are smarter and wiser. I just wish we all didn’t have to pay such a high price. ? It’s a hard decision about going back to online dating. All I can say is I know I m not ready yet but may be someday.
June 1, 2018 at 4:39 pm #45712
All 3 of the men I met online, and dated for various periods of time, were personality disordered. One sabotaged my truck (cost me 1500.00) when I cut him off. One stalked me for 5 years, after 3 months of long distance dating. One basically took me for about 25,000.00 in loans and travel.
So my experience was 100% rotten for online dating. All 3 misrepresented their lives, jobs, housing, history, intentions, and needs. All three appeared to be very different types of people, and on the surface they were. But the basic behaviors were very much in sync: Lure, Love-bomb, sexsexsex, then a series of devaluing behaviors, and finally either I cut it off or they did.
One was an actor: funny, smart, angry, poor. One was a therapist: quiet, opinionated, lonely. One was a new-age-y dance instructor-cum-shaman: Loud, smart, funny, bragadocious, extrovert.
But they all followed the same pattern.
June 1, 2018 at 4:50 pm #45713
Here is part of the therapist’s online profile: “Eclectic, multi-faceted artist and human-being here in Ashland, Oregon, USA. My love for theater arts and dance is only preceded by my life-long quest for a transcendant philosophy and life-style that sheds labels, prejudices and group identification”
And here is some writing by the ‘shaman’ dance instructor:
This is the title of your first image post
May 1, 2013
Ok, I’m a week in Bali now, and while that event itself is certainly a momentous occasion in its own right, there is a next level awaiting activation. I think that part of the reason I am here in Bali is to get a good look at my life’s half steps and apparent addiction to self sabotage, my overly adapted ability to self-bargain myself into neutrality and inaction. I seem to be a series of coping mechanisms, stacked one against another like the fence around the house you saw in that movie that time, creating a makeshift border around a yard that was always undertended, the house appearing near collapse.
These are my thoughts as I return from peeing outside for at least the 3rd time tonight and I walk past the door of the master bedroom where I’m not sleeping for the second night in a row. The reason for this is because a giant spider with at least a 6-8″ legspan has taken up residence there and it currently doesn’t feel like the safest place to sleep. I did try catching it, once I had processed that yes, this thing really was that big and that the only way it was going to be elsewhere was if I made it that way. For every foot of my approach it seemed to double in size, and when I tried to place the large mouthed storage jar over it, like I’ve done for other similar “relocation projects”, ZOOOM!!! It moved so fast that I actually felt fear on an entirely new level. I don’t know if I’ve ever had the experience of seeing something move that fast at close range.
I exist as the tentative balance between Shaman/Spiritual Seeker/Holy Man and the most earth-based, addicted and hedonistic person I’ve known. So part of me really wants to save the life of this magnificent intruder, this specimen of its kind, and thinks that the whole process should be relatively simple. If not, I’m just not being smart or creative enough.
Then the caveman comes out and he’s all, “fuck it, I SMASH!!”, coupled with the tiniest fear that I might be outmatched by this Handfull-o-Fun. Because what the hell would THAT mean?
I then contemplate that big and itchy spider bites of the past were likely made by critters able to easily slip past my considerable radar to do their skin dance. Well shoot, a bite from something of this size might just kill you and your whole family, both of blood and bond! Can’t really have that, can I?
Either way though, I cannot see myself ever sleeping in that room again until one of these two things occur. Twice I thought he might have moved on, only to discover him somewhere else 24 hours later. So its back to sleepin the other room, and thank God there is one!, where I have temporarily taken up residence, in the house where I have temporarily taken up residence, because I have only begun to land here on the “Island of the Gods”, and I’ve got a number of more steps to take before I truly a r r i v e. Most of these things would likely have been knocked out right away by most travel-savvy humans, and they are right, of course.
But for three days I’ve been dancing with a spider
And untangling unconsciously woven webs~
June 27, 2018 at 6:21 am #46081
What strikes me about that bloviated profile is his decidedly cowardly fear of spiders. My ex-husband, full of bravado on the outside — ready to punch an annoying bar patron or the wall or hurt me or our child — was irrationally afraid of the most innocuous arachnid.
Our pre-schooler would see a spider in her room and know that only Mommy could and would handle it. Usually I would insert a piece of paper under the tiny spider and put it outside. Underneath all of their bluster, there is no substance whatsoever in these so called men.
June 27, 2018 at 11:42 am #46082
That’s funny zoe. My sp in the beginning acted like he cared so much to save a spider in the beginning. Ended with abusing me and my dog. My sp popped up in another state on online dating with all the same lies in his profile as when he caught me. Lies were that all his kids were over 18, that he has a masters degree, his job, and so on. Made me sick to my stomach to see it. Fricking loser! He couldn’t even use basic correct grammar such as “to” versus “too.”
June 27, 2018 at 9:27 pm #46090
I have been meditating, getting healing massages, deep breathing, taking b complex and manganese for adrenal fatigue, and group therapy. Others have even noticed a difference in my attitude. More importantly, I feel better, and I don’t think of him every day. That alone has helped, and it’s totally attributed to what I have learned on this site and books (Donna’s Red Flags and Halpern’s How to Break Your Addiction). But “talking” with other targets here has been the most beneficial for validation and a chance to say things I couldn’t tell my family. I wish you all the best too! Dating, especially on line dating, is still scary for me. But I am much more open to meeting someone new than I was before Lovefraud. Hugs to you all for sharing!
June 26, 2018 at 3:05 am #46064
Good post Zoe!
During one of my break ups, I tried online dating. It worked for people I knew. YIKES! I was matched with my X SP! Different name, same town, but was wearing sunglasses in his profile pic, so i couldnt be totally sure. But his story was MY story, divorced with 2 kids blah blah blah. Even a dog that he described was mine. He stole my story! I had some people over, showed them his profile, and even they weren’t sure – could be – maybe not. So I asked my kids and they thought probably so, and told me to message him. So I did. My profile pic was clearly me. I said, if you want people to get to know you, you should post a pic without sunglasses. He blocked me without reply. Yep, it was him!
June 27, 2018 at 6:14 am #46080
Wow. I am pretty sure Anthony was trolling online for rich women. There were no photos, but his details (and incorrect, but unusual punctuation) matched up. In these postings he claimed to be a millionaire, an avid traveler, and connoisseur of fine wine. None of these attributes were true of this low-life criminal.
It remains puzzling to me that he came from what seemed to be a good family, had a solid (but incomplete, though he claimed otherwise) education, lengthy military service, was intelligent, magnetic, and talented in a number of areas, and still turned out to be so evil. And I guess the answer is, duh, psychopathy.
Like James Montgomery, ‘Anthony’ claimed military designations and accomplishments that were criminally false misrepresentations. When called out on those lies he just shifted his story so that it was a bit more believable, just like every other psychopath we read about. I fully expect his next incarnation to be of a religious bent, whether he is sent to prison this time or not. It seems like the best way to go, since his goal is the ultimate exploitation of naive and desperate individuals. He unfortunately has enough charisma to pull it off.
I appreciate your support and admire how you are putting your life back together. You, Donna, and others have convinced me that it is time to again try to find a competent therapist who can help me mend my childhood wounds as well as resolve present day trauma. I am also looking into Tara Brach and “radical acceptance” meditation. I wish us all the best.
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