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I’m new to Lovefraud, but have surfed these forums (and psychopathfree.com) for years in my healing process. My relationship with the path ended in September 2014 when I discovered he was seeing someone else…a bikini competitor nonetheless. Devastated by my mental state and how quickly he moved on, I did some online reading and discovered what he truly was. I’ve found peace with the entire situation, learned my lessons, and most importantly, have learned to love myself again following a brief devaluing/discard (i.e., I saw him distancing himself and did not chase him). There was moments when I cried over how horribly I was duped (one day, I will share how he planned to destroy my life).
I knew that ‘NO CONTACT’ was the way to go. I blocked him (for a year) from social media, mainly to limit my ability to access his profile, but was angered by the fact that he was still controlling me from afar. The process of blocking him made me feel as though he still had control over me, so I made my social media profile “Private” which only allowed my followers access to my media. I spent years silently recovering and moved past this experience, mainly through reflection, exercise, meditation, forgiveness, and living the best life I possibly could. And, as a result, I healed.
A year and a half after our last exchange/discard, I received a message from him, but ignored it. At that time, I knew that his relationship with the other woman had ended. I responded with a 1 line reply. Refusing to block him, I opted for the Gray Rock technique. He reached out again in 6 months later, again 2 months after that. Then, this week to wish me a HAPPY 4th of July.
Why the hoover? The one line messages to presumably check in. I know who he is and what he’s about. I’m not interested in anything related to him, why now? I’ve done lots of reading on hoovering, and I refuse to “fuel” him with any emotional outbreaks. Why hoover almost 3 years later? Why is this happening every 2 months now? Is he trying to “warm me up” to a possible re-connection? Is he looking for some fuel, attention, and fun? There are no other explanations. Uggghhh! Before these contacts, I felt REALLY GOOD about everything- life in general. Every time he contacts me, I’m distracted for a day or 2 thereafter which obviously means I’m still affected by him. I still have occasional dreams (or nightmares) of the entire experience…mainly that we’re back together and he’s sorry for everything that transpired. In reality, I’m annoyed by his hoovering. There’s nothing more to be said. There’s nothing left for me to give. He had his opportunity with me, and (thankfully, for me) he blew it. I know what he’s about, and I will not be duped twice. The Show is over- MOVE ON.
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fuel, attention, and fun? Yep. I bet he has a list of exes and every time he is bored he sends out a jelly fish tentacle to try to sting every individual on that list. You are just another name on his list of “things to do on a rainy afternoon”. You read him correctly IMO.
Also, I wonder how many of these a*holes read these forums to see if they can figure out who is posting? I think it is a good idea to vary a few details so they can’t get off on reliving what they have done if they recognize a narrative.
These people really don’t have a life and spend a huge amount of time trying to suck up other people’s lives. Soulsurvivor, you HAVE learned and will not be duped by this guy again. Get into his brain and mentally sneer at him for being so pathetically transparent. Every time he tries to contact you he is whining like a 3 year old “I am needy…. I am bored”. Every time he does this, you win that round, and he loses. Soon you will get to the point where you get a thrill of victory at his pathetic attempts to hoover you because he is proving what a loser he is.
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Spaths routinely check in with anyone and everyone to see if they can exploit you – they are testing the waters. If you consistently give him absolutely no response he may stop, or he may not – if he thinks that he may be successful in sucking you in again.
I relate to being negatively affected by any kind of contact, or hearing something about my ex psychopath. I have been out for about 5 years now. At first when I had contact with him I would experience the symptoms of PTSD for several days – it would take nearly a week to recover. That has gotten somewhat better, I can hear something about him such as from a mutual acquaintance, and it doesn’t affect me all that much these days. My goal is to feel indifference and I’m getting closer to it with time and work.
It sounds like you worked hard at recovery and that you did a good job of taking care of yourself and protecting yourself from him. There probably is a specific reason he’s hovering now – he wants something that he thinks he might get from you. The general reason is always the same – to exploit you. For whatever reason it he seems to be trying fairly frequently. Is there a way you could not even read his texts or hear his messages? Maybe get a trusted friend to read them before you delete them just to be sure there’s not something you need to know like a threat?
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