How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › she thinks she's the drama queen
April 4, 2018 at 6:16 pm #44964
I hate seeing my daughter belittling herself, or making a joke of something he has accused her of being. My daughter is (was) level headed, responsible, reliable, constant, steady, clear headed. She lived in our family for her first 18 years, and never once would I describe her character as ‘drama queen’. She did not overreact, she did not lose it, she was not irrational. I know he calls her a drama queen because she reacts to his provoking. But then to see her tag him in the video (see link to video above), making a joke of the things he calls her weakness, is awful. He is the drama queen, not her. Please remind me what they do. I get a head rush and can’t think of everything I have read but I know this is a classic psychopathic ploy, and I WISH my daughter would want to study up on it and educate herself and realise he is playing her.
She didn’t have a great easter. She chose not to spend it with her family, but with him. Every easter (4 now) she gets hurt. She can’t see the pattern, and then I see the self-deprecating memes she has tagged him in, making a joke of her ‘overreaction’ to his predictable holiday crap. I don’t enjoy being the mother of a daughter stuck in abuse one bit!
Please link me some things to do with these issues.
April 5, 2018 at 9:19 am #44983
you are right
April 5, 2018 at 10:24 am #44984
freedomformydaughter – I am so sorry for everything you and your daughter are enduring – your daughter, unknowingly. Yes, he is doing it intentionally. Yes, his objective is to isolate her from you, her family, and her support system. I truly hope that your daughter finds her self and her voice and returns to you.
April 5, 2018 at 7:04 pm #44992
Donna, talking of isolating, she is planning to go overseas with him this month for 6 mths, a 13 + hour flight away from home, to a small, remote, hot city in a nearby country where he will play his sport for a local club.
My husband told her when he heard, that it was not a good idea, that he has broken 2 contracts to play his sport in other countries in the last 2 years (and 1 job contract the year before, contracts that his mother gets him out of by playing the ‘he’s just a boy’ card), and that he may do the same this time, change his mind last minute, and she will have already given up her 2 jobs and paid for flights.
This time there’s no contract, there are no jobs lined up or accommodation to go to – of course a father would be concerned!
My husband also matter-of-factly said it was not a good idea because when things go bad in the relationship, as they regularly do, she will be a 13 hr flight away from us, and we won’t be able to just drive over and help her.
My husband said he could see her eyes glaze over when he spoke.
She didn’t reply.
Today we heard she has moved into his mother’s house with him
(mother-the enabler, the one who encourages our daughter to do what her son wants and not what her father advises, this has happened numerous times)
because the girl she was flatting with is treating her badly. And she will stay there until they go overseas.
Of course he would never allow her to come home to us, because her father told her it was not a good idea to go overseas with him.
The whole thing is like a punch in the gut and I’m telling myself I don’t care because I really don’t know how to deal with how much I do care.
Does she really need to go to this next level of isolation and hurt?
Do we really need to watch her live with him for 6 mths overseas?
(they have never lived together, because he benefits too much from living with mummy, and he gets the benefits of marriage from my daughter without any commitment or responsibility on his part anyway)
She is already saying she is run down, she has unexplainable itchy red patches that appear on her legs, I can see her hair has fallen out and is so thin, and her hair was always her most stunning feature. She was being mistreated by her flatmate and one of her bosses (being taken advantage of and overworked as a nanny). I know this is because her self esteem is so low, and her boundaries are pretty much non existent due to the abuse from the wolf.
I just want to warn her, I want to put it out there straight – look up these words before you go, ‘psychopath, sociopath, narcissist’. Look up ’emotional abuse.’
I want to yell out, ‘LET MY DAUGHTER GO!’, ‘ENOUGH!’
I want to force her eyes open and show her the mask and the games and the meanness and the exploitation.
Instead I write it here and try and carry on as if nothing is amiss.
April 6, 2018 at 1:02 am #44999
today I’m holding on to these words by Martin Luther King, spoken in March 1965:
I know you are asking today, “How long will it take?”
I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because truth crushed to earth will rise again.
How long? Not long, because no lie can live forever.
How long? Not long, because you shall reap what you sow.
How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.
How long? Not long, because
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword;
His truth is marching on.
He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment seat.
O, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! Be jubilant my feet!
Our God is marching on.
– Truth crushed to earth will rise again
– No lie can live forever
– You shall reap what you sow
– The arc of the moral universe bends towards justice
April 6, 2018 at 9:57 am #45000
freedomformydaughter – I know it’s scary, but maybe this will be the end of it all. He has no sports contract. It’s a foreign country – your daughter may not be able to work. How are they going to live?
Do not send them any money.
But, let your daughter know that you love her and you will come get her the minute she wants to leave.
Don’t give up caring. But know that by staying silent, you are taking the best approach. Be ready to swoop in and bring her home the minute it all falls apart, which it will.
April 6, 2018 at 1:50 pm #45001
Freedomformydaughter, Just know he is painting this “fantastic opportunity for them” in her mind with regards to moving to this remote island. He has her under his brain washing spell, so she thinks this is a great idea. That is until reality sets in when she steps off the plane and his mask of evil drops once more.
Here are just a few suggestions for your daughter prior to leaving, these things are not only for her safety because she is with an abuser, but also just for any traveler traveling the world to a remote area.
1. Have a round trip Airline refundable/changeable ticket
These type of tickets are more expensive, but it will give her peace of mind that she has an exit out if he becomes abusive towards her or she is not happy being so isolated. He may only want to buy a one way ticket to save money now but then you daughter is stuck on this island if his behavior becomes abusive.
2. Have her open her own safety deposit box at a large chain bank on that island, where she can put her airline ticket, copy of her passport & drivers license and also have her put emergency money in, a few hundred dollars cash or more, so that she can have a place to stay & food until she can get a set on the next flight out if she is being abused. Have her do this without her boyfriend knowing!!
3. Prior to her leaving, have her with your husband & you, look at your country’s Embassy location map on that island and/or State Department. IF there is no Embassy or State Department on that Island then locate the closest to that Island. Review your country’s Embassy & State Department website regarding traveling!! There sites are very informative for travels. Just google your country’s name with state department travel and also for the embassy.
4. Send a letter or email to the Embassy and/or State Department stating on such & such a date we will be arriving on the island of ____. My contact number is such & such. We are planning to stay until such & such date. There is info on the Embassy & State Department website for this procedure. This way if there is some type of emergency on the island i.e. volcano eruption, flooding etc the state department will notify her and also for her to have a contact incase she is in danger. The state department & Embassy are there to help travelers!! So make sure she knows she should use them if there is any kind of emergency.
THIS SHOULD BE DONE NOT ONLY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, BUT FOR ALL TRAVELERS!!
5. Make a copy of her passport & leave it at YOUR home and airline ticket copy. If her passport is stolen or he refuses to give it to her if she wants to leave…you have a copy that can be faxed to the Embassy or State Department & or the copy in her bank safety deposit box she will be able to get an emergency passport from your country’s Embassy or the State Department can help facilitate this. (my passport was stolen in a foreign country & I was able to have my copy faxed to the Embassy & they issues a emergency passport).
She needs to know that her pass port & airline ticket are the most important things she will take with her on this trip. It is her life line out of a remote area. Have her do these things without her abusive boyfriend knowing because if he does know he will manipulate her to take these things away.
6. Have her program the following numbers into her phone:
1. Closest (Your Country’s) State Department & Embassy number and Address to that island.
2. If your country’s does not have a State Department or Embassy on that island check to see if another country does just as a back up safety location for her to go to if she needs help out. Program that number & their address into her phone.
3. Bank phone number that her safety deposit is in.
4. Airline phone number that she is traveling on to that remote island, most likely not a major carrier just a small feeder airline. Plus have her program the Major Carrier Airline she travels out of your county.
7. Prior to her leaving have her & you/your husband search for internet cafes that your daughter can use their computer for a small fee to keep in contact with you. Set a day of the week that she will always send you an update i.e. every Tuesday & Thursday or everyday. This why you have some peace of mind but more importantly you have contact with your daughter should something happen then you will know to send out the troops (so to speak) on that remote island.
Keep in mind that on most remote islands internet coverage is not wide spread but usually there are several internet cafes.
8. For you get her landlords phone number & email or hotel managers name & phone number. This way you have a person that you can contact if there is an emergency or need to find her.
9. Search to see if there are any “Expat” groups or clubs (other foreign travelers who live on the island) on this remote island, where your daughter can meet people from her country or other English speaking countries (or what ever your country’s language is). This way she is not isolated, she can make friends & most importantly she has a safety net with people that speak her language to help her out of the island if he is abusive.
10. If this island country has a very sticked religious domination. Know that some religions of the world will not protect a woman being abused by her husband or bf. So this is another reason for her to make connections with Expat (Foreign travelers) as the police may just send her back home with her abuser.
11. Have her purchase a phone “sim” card for that region. They can be found in phone stores or sometimes just a grocery store. She can change out her country sim card for this foreign sim card so that she can talk with people she meets on the island for a minimal fee but most importantly she will be book an airline ticket out.
12. Visit the tourism department website for that remote island.
13. Have her purchase a electronic plug converter…if the island has different electrical sockets then your country then she will need a converter to charge her phone.
When you talk to her about the above list make it sound matter of fact. Hey, I was just reviewing the Embassy website travelers info & this is what the suggest. You dont want to dictate to her what she needs to do but more as a concern for her. Remember her bf dictates to her so she is not going to put up with it from others.
You most likely will not be able to talk her out of this trip. But, you can help her have an exit plan out of this remote island by helping her stay safe ahead of the trip.
Read the book Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan. Donna has written a post about his book just do a search up at the top right corner. This book will give you the education of how to open your daughters mind up from her bf’s brain washing.
Hugs to you.
April 6, 2018 at 1:53 pm #45002
Have your daughter look into adrenal fatigue symptoms as the root issue of feeling “run down”. IT is very common for a victim of a sociopath to feel “run down” = utter exhaustion.
Here are a few sites she can look at a symptoms list:
Adrenal fatigue. org (there is info regaining toxic relationships)
plus just google Adrenal fatigue.
Have you researched to see if there is actually a sports team he could join on this “remote island”?? Maybe there is not sports team???
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Jan7.
April 6, 2018 at 2:52 pm #45008
Jan7 – thank you so much for your suggestions. Absolutely terrific!
April 6, 2018 at 5:30 pm #45011
Thank you Donna.
Donna & Freedomformydaughter, I have traveled the world extensively with my past career, with the past business my ex (sociopath) & I ran and also for vacation.
What I know for sure when dealing with my ex sociopath, is the emotional, mental & verbal abuse escalated when you are traveling with a sociopath, if the airline is delated = your fault in the sociopaths mind, airline food is bad = your fault, hotel will not let you check in early = your fault, also if the sociopath drinks they are going to drink more on a trip then usual and just because they might be bored during the travel time they will abuse you for fun.
On at trip with a sociopath you feel stuck. I believed in my mind because of the brain washing that I was “stuck” dealing with his abuse on these trips. He loved to push buttons on the trip, to complain endless etc. I did feel stuck. Especially on a business trip with him & other colleges or with friends on vacation. You dont want to make a scene and leave the trip in-front of others. So you just suffer because you feel like there are no other choices.
Had someone told me that you CAN make an “Exit Plan” before a trip (like I posted above) with the sociopath, maybe, I would have had the courage to leave him during one. I remember being in Europe on a business trip where I reached my breaking point with him. I dont like to fight, so my reaction was to flee during a day where we were just sight seeing. He followed me, even though I told him to stop, to go with the others, so that I wanted peace. He did not want me to have peace by being on my own that day. With peace comes = thinking on your own = change = leave him. He did not want this, so he literally walked so close to me while yelling or telling me how to think while we were in this beautiful overseas city.
At the time I felt stuck because I did not have any cash on me & had just an Amex, which is not the most ideal credit card to have when traveling because internationally lots of places do not take Amex. I thought about going back to the hotel, but again trying to get a taxi (the hotel was not down town) with an Amex & no cash might have been impossible. On top of this my head was swarming from all the stress he put me under.
Another time, same thing he was pushing my buttons for fun, we were at an International Airport leaving one international spot for another with “friends” on vacations. The “friends” were his friend and his wife. The wife & I never really became close because my ex would not allow me to get close to anyone = because then I could expose him = so he triangulated me with all of his friends wives. There we were, him pushing my buttons relentlessly the whole trip and I just had it, this coming just after finding out about his two year affair with his co work. I said I was leaving to go home & walked to the check in counter to change my ticket home.
I literally was standing in front of the counter to change my ticket when the wife, not my ex came to convince me to stay & continue the trip. She asked me point blank in front of the two Airline check in employees “Did he cheat on you”. I was so embarrassed because at the time I though I was to blame for his cheating. I told her no, which was a lie just out of embarrassment, shame and being broken down spiritually by my ex. The two counter personnel were right their listening. I was changing my ticket to go home but this friends wife talked me out of it. I was so close to freedom, yet I stayed.
Again, I felt stuck at the Airport right then & there. My gut reaction was to RUN. This is why it is so important to follow your gut & most importantly to have an Exit Plan out where ever you are, at home or on a trip to a remote island. Your daughter needs to know that there is an “Exit” off this remote island even if its 13 hours away from her family. She needs to know that no matter what happens you will help her. Let her know this.
My heart breaks for you & your daughter. She is a step ford wife to him, brain washed & under his mind control. But I know this for sure, one day she will reach her breaking point with his abuse & will leave him & that is where you & your husband step in & give her a soft place to land…no “we told you so”…just a soft place to land & guidance to look at Donna’s wonderful site Lovefraud.
April 7, 2018 at 6:43 am #45013
thank you Donna and Jan. It’s a comfort just knowing that someone understands. People in our ‘real lives’ don’t really get the severity of what she is involved in. We don’t go there very often as a result.
Jan thanks for sharing your story – sobering and enlightening. I’m sorry you went through all that.
April 7, 2018 at 10:39 am #45015
Jan7 – thank you so much for sharing your story. What trauma. I am so glad that you are away from the guy.
April 9, 2018 at 5:10 am #45087
PARTING WORDS suggestions: Donna/Jan/others I would like some suggestions please on what words to say to my daughter when she leaves for her 6 mth overseas trip. We won’t go to the airport to see her/them off. We will have a family dinner at our house on Wed (without him). She leaves on Friday.
What I want to say and what I will say are very different.
The usual parting comments, ‘have a good time’, ‘have a fun trip’, ‘travel safe’, etc just won’t do.
‘You are making a big mistake and I wish you would listen to your intuition!’ won’t do either (that is a joke, I wouldn’t say that but it’s what I feel)
(as is ‘he is a lying manipulating bastard and he is the last person on this earth we would want you to travel with. you are not safe and we cannot trust him with you!’)
so something true, but kind. ‘Bye we love you’.
‘I love you. We will miss you’
What do you think? Suggestions on what to say please.
April 9, 2018 at 1:39 pm #45091
Hi Freedomformydaughter, this is a tough situation because she has her ticket & most likely she is very excited to go on this extended “holiday”. You need to let her know that she is loved unconditionally. That she has a place to come home to, if things dont work out on this trip. That you are worried for her safety.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND TO HER…this will only bond her more to the boyfriend.
You can copy, cut, paste & print the below article to read (which you can also find on the USA National Domestic Violence Hotline website) just give it to her to read herself at your home or her home.
Our society thinks that domestic abuse is only “physical” abuse. We are not educated on what is emotional & mental abuse. You can tell her that the BULK of domestic abuse is NOT physical abuse but rather emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse. Phrase this in a question form: Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is not physical abuse but emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse??
just one question to plant in her mind. DO NOT over load her mind. She is under tremendous amount of stress right due to this sociopath in her life, so you need to just be very careful what you plant in her mind. Tell her the most dangerous time in a abusive relationship is when the vicim is ready to leave or has just left. So she needs to be very careful if she is in danger on this remote island and to find the islands domestic abuse center for help or to contact you.
Here is what you can cut & paste on a sheet of paper for her to read & ask her to put it in her wallet (secret spot for her bf not to see) so that she can review it at any time she is confused.
Article From National Domestic Website:
“In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Explore the tabs on the USA National Domestic Abuse Hotline website or your countries website to learn some of the common warning signs of each type of abuse. Experiencing even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember, each type of abuse is serious, and no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason. If you have concerns about what’s happening in your relationship, contact us. We’re here to listen and support you!” 800-799-SAFE.”
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Jan7.
April 9, 2018 at 2:17 pm #45092
Freedomformydaughter, I thought I was in a abusive relationship during the time with my ex. But I was simply, not educated, on what was emotional, mental, verbal, financial abuse. Had I prior, to ever getting tangled up with my ex, I would have ran the second he started is mind games. This is why it’s important to give her this info.
But also, DO NOT FIGHT WITH HER over this info. If she becomes angry or upset then back off. Simply plant the seeds in her mind. She will when she is ready, research this info that you planted in her mind. Remember her mind is not her own…her bf controls it. Her once highly function brain in all regions has been shut down to only a few sections working. Those sections are limited on what she can take into her my to analyze and process. So just again let her know you love her unconditionally. If she becomes angry at you for giving this info, just tell her you love her unconditionally & SHE (obviously not the BF) has a place if things dont work out on this island. Dont push her away instead pull her towards you & your husband if she sees his mask slip on this island. With what you describe they have given up their apartment in your city and how are embarking not this trip. So she may feel stuck on this trip because she has no place to return to if things dont work out. Give her an Exit plan options = a place for HER to come home to!!
You can tell her the National Domestic Hotline has free counselors she can talk with USA 800-799-SAFE. In the country that she is going to you can look this number up so she has that number too.
Hugs to you!!
April 10, 2018 at 5:01 am #45104
Hi Jan, yes, she is excited to go. She thinks thinks that by leaving our region, she will be leaving her problems behind. I am so sad that she does not know that her problem is going with her!
and as you say, his abuse may escalate while away, and she may feel stuck/trapped.
I wish she didn’t have to go through this. I wish she could just say ‘enough’ right now. I wish we could be of more use as parents in protecting our daughter. That is the killer for me actually. That we can’t. And it goes against every parenting instinct we have, to be silent when she is literally flying into heightened danger.
Thanks so much for all your help. I appreciate all the suggestions and wisdom and experience you share. You are redeeming your pain well by helping others, thank you <3
April 10, 2018 at 10:58 am #45106
Freedomformydaughter, I’m sorry you & your husband’s hearts are breaking over this trip. It’s a heart wrenching situation, but this trip could turn out to be a major blessing.
I would highly recommend that you keep in contact weekly (daily) with your daughter via emails (if she has access to a computer) or if not by sending her letters.
In the letters/emails you can keep her in the loop of what you & your family are doing each week. Even if nothing is going on let her know this. This will keep her tied to her family & most importantly planting the seeds that you love her & that she has a place to return to. Remember the first thing a abuser does to their target vicim is isolates them from their family. Sending letters/emails keeps her connected to her family = a blessing.
When you are in this type of relationship, you are broken down emotionally to a point you think no one loves you including your own family because the abuser has twisted your mind up to think this way.
So again, use this time wisely. It’s a great opportunity to send emails/letters with loved filled in them. You can chat about what it was like to hold her the very first time in the hospital, or what you remember of her growing up, have your husband also post in these letters & siblings too. ALL of this will help to open up her mind. You can even inclose a pictures of her with you, your husband, siblings, family, friends pet etc daily or weekly. Talking about who she was prior to this relationship will hopefully make her realize she has changed dramatically and maybe giver her the strength to start doing the things & routines she did growing up.
In addition, you can phase a question (questions help open up the mind by making the abuse victim think on her own) that will help open up her mind. Just one question in each letter.
PLEASE READ STEVEN HASSAN’S BOOK Combating Cult Mind Control, by Steven Hassan. IF you do a search in the upper right hand corner of Lovefraud you will find Donna’s write up on this magnificent book. HE is the one that suggest that you ask questions. This I remember during my nightmare personally helped. When a friend or family member asked me a question (which at the time they had no idea that i was in a abusive relationship) those questions stuck in my mind. They were light bulb moments…bread crumbs for finding my way out. Those questions are the ones now that I realized I was breaking free from the brain washing & mind control.
I cant stress enough about the brain washing & mind control your daughter is under right now by her bf. This is where you come into play by writing letters/emails with one question. This just might be her escape out of this abusive relationship. Set all any anger or frustration you have had/have about this relationship & just show her unconditional love & support.
Hugs to you & your family!! ?
April 10, 2018 at 3:52 pm #45119
Freedomformydaughter – Do everything you can to stay in contact. A regular schedule of sending an email/letter is best. You want the bf to get used to the idea that communication is coming regularly. That way he will not perceive it as a threat and try to block it.
In your communication, give news of what the family is doing and keep telling her that you love her.
During your dinner, you think giving your daughter info on domestic violence might drive her away, just keep reminding her that if she experiences any problems and needs to come home, you will book her airfare immediately.
April 10, 2018 at 9:25 pm #45124
thank you Donna and Jan
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