How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Should I help his next target escape from him?
April 5, 2021 at 8:12 pm #65562jellyfish88Participant
I am 2 years post sociopath relationship and am finally unpacking and healing. I have touched base with old friends who were involved in his targeting to tell them what he is and lift the burden. I have found out his target after me is still heavily involved with him and is carrying his baby. She is being emotionally abused and won’t see the damage, the same as me before I could identify what he was and his methods of manipulation. I am wondering if I should tell her what he is so she can get out of the situation, or should I just let it run its course. I fear that he could start targeting me again and it took me so long to escape it, but on the other hand I can’t sit back and watch him exploit another woman. If I decide to tell her, what would be the best way to do this?
April 6, 2021 at 1:10 am #65563sept4Participant
Yes I think we have all struggled with that issue. I made the decision not to tell my ex’s new girlfriend about him.
1) he was love bombing her so I knew she would never believe me
2) even if she did believe me I thought she would stay with him because of his money and lifestyle
3) I was afraid he would retaliate against me for exposing him
April 6, 2021 at 1:29 am #65564jellyfish88Participant
Yeah ok, fair call. I agree – too early on for her to believe you.
In this case she is in the process of being discarded and accidentally fell pregnant. He has done a lot to her over the last couple of years so I thought it may be more believable. May just leave it for now, and move on. Too risky!
April 6, 2021 at 10:06 am #65566emilie18Participant
I tried to warn both of my abuser’s subsequent victims. I sent a letter to the first one outlining his pattern of abuse and theft. A year later she got in touch with me asking to talk and “compare notes” after he had done exactly what I had warned her he would do. She admitted she thought I was just an embittered and jealous ex. But after he left her with debts and confusion and self-doubts she remembered my letter and reached out. We did, indeed, compare notes and she was appalled out how she had been fooled for so long. Then we both reached out to his newest victim and got verbally chastised by her for being “embittered and jealous ex’s” who “just didn’t know how to return the love of a good man”. That was a year ago. We are waiting for her to contact us. Sadly, she is a mental health care professional and I think her pride and arrogance will not allow her to…but we will see. However, I DO agree with sept4 – the risks are great, especially #3. I think the only reason my ex has not retaliated is either neither told him of the letters (I know #1 did not) or he is a coward. You have to weigh the risks and the emotions contacting this woman may bring up — and just how much good it may do. If you can find a way of doing it anonymously, all the better. I am glad you are free of him and getting your life back on track. Good for you!
- This reply was modified 6 days, 13 hours ago by emilie18.
April 6, 2021 at 1:42 pm #65568sept4Participant
Emilie yes my fear of retaliation was very real because my ex was involved in the drugs and crime world and had a lot of shady cronies around him.
He was very unstable and hostile due to his personality disorders and alcohol/drugs addictions. He was just a dangerous person to cross. I wanted to stay out of his way.
And at the time we were still financially tied by a joint business so there was very real liability for joint debts or him sabotaging the company etc. It was not safe for me to antagonize him in any way.
April 6, 2021 at 10:19 pm #65570Jan7Participant
First I want to say that you are such a wonderful person. You have heard that his current victim is suffering and you want to help her…this is powerful.
Second, only help her if you are in a safe place. As we all know these types people are pure evil and can harm anyone that tries to expose them. So again you need to be in a very safe place.
I warned 5 women my ex was tangled up with at the end of our marriage… after I escaped & learned exactly who my ex h is. I felt like you that I could not sit idle by and let the same abuse that I endured, happen to them or worse have them killed by my ex.
I simple could not live with not warning them. So I did. But, I was in a very safe home. And knew that he could not harm me. I also, was fully aware of the “NO CONTACT RULE” so I knew if he attepted any contact with me, I would not respond to his contact what so ever…just IGNORE HIM.
I sent letters to 3 of the women my ex was having affairs with or starting affairs with (I knew one was his romantic victim not sure of the others two but, never the less I sent them the same letter)…I called one mistress…because she knew we were married & I knew where she worked because we had business dealings with the company she worked for. The the last mistress I text her because I had her text thru my ex’s phone when we were still together.
I remained calm in the letters, phone call & test. And just simple told them who he was per my counselor & provide support sites like LOVEFRAUD to them for them to do their own research. I was hoping for them to escape his grips too so they did not endure hell on earth from him. What I did do for all of them was simply plants seeds in their minds & gave them a place (Lovefraud & other support sites) to do their own research & come to their own conclusion to RUN as fast as they could from him.
I know the one that I sent the letter too dumped him right away because my ex called me screaming at me. The one I called she seemed very indifferent. And the one that I text, returned belittling texts to me. Clearly my ex was in a full on smear campaign with her against me. I didnt care what she said in her text back…I knew I was correct and that one day she would know that I was the good person trying to save her from an evil man,
I never had any further contact with these women. I felt that I did what was right, and if any of them ever contacted me for answers or to ask questions about who he really is, I would certainly talk with them. I also, felt that they would know to warn the next victim or victims once they escape.
I have zero regrets warning them. none. It actually gave me peace of mind after I warned them.
If you do want to contact this victim, i would highly recommend that you do it anonymously by letter. I would recommend that you keep the letter very short…so that it does not point fingers back at you.
“Dear ____________, I feel like you are struggling with confusion about your boyfriend’s behavior and treatment towards you. Confusion about your mate is a RED FLAG that you are in a emotional & mental abusive relationship.
Please look up the National Domestic Hotline website to learn more about what is emotional & mental abuse. ALso call their hotline 800-799-SAFE (USA) hotline to talk with a free counselor asap.
Also, on their site look up: Domestic abuse safety & exit plan.
This plan will help you safely leave your abusive relationship. You can also talk to their free counselor for help with this Safety & exit plan.
A support site that can help you see who he really is, is Lovefraud. com.look up: No contact rule & gas lighting abuse on Lovefraud & net.
I wish you the very best.
(but, of course write this lettr in your own words…this is just off the top of my head so you can come up with what is best for her). IF you are not in the USA then search for your countries Domestic abuse hotline & use that number instead of the USA number.
I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND IF YOU DO WANT TO SEND HER A ANNYOMOUS LETTER TO TYPE IT OUT VS HAND WRITTEN…AND MAIL IT FROM A POST OFFICE IN A FEW TOWNS AWAY FROM YOU, SO THAT THE POST MARK IS NOT FROM YOUR TOWN OR YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TOWN.
But, think about this before you sit down to write her…remember your safety is first. If you do write the letter delete this post all together so if she does have the courage to come to Lovefraud she wont find your post and you can stay safe & annyomous.
April 8, 2021 at 2:04 pm #65579Donna AndersenKeymaster
Jellyfish88 – many Lovefraud readers have asked this question – should I warn the next victim? I did a video about it recently – maybe it will help you.
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