How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Sociopaths and Crying/Empaths and Apaths
September 8, 2016 at 3:31 pm #39449Back2BeingMe67Participant
I am in the process of a long and protracted divorce with a man whom I have been married to for 16 years and I now believe is a sociopath/cluster B. While I wish it were over I am actually thankful because it has only been through time that I have been able to see his behavior through a different lens. Just this weekend I read my first article that raised the topic of empaths and apaths. I am, of course, a full-blown empath and now some of his “secret” relationships which I never understood before are clearly apaths. That identification was a huge step for me. It also helps me understand why perhaps he chose a very cold first wife and why she figured him out in less than half the time that I did. She wasn’t clouded by empathy. She said, “I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t care enough to figure out what it was.” That made me sad at first, that she cared so little and then I realized I suffered more at his hands because I cared too much.
But this raises a question I have regarding how a sociopath reacts to crying. Throughout our marriage my husband absolutely would become enraged if I cried during our very explosive arguments. No matter what he said to me, I was never suppose to cry, if I did it made things worse, but he would say such mean things, it was very hard to.
He always said, “Crying is emotional manipulation!!” I now see that should have been a red flag, because crying in such situations is normal, not manipulative.
So do sociopaths hate to see other people cry? Has anyone had this experience? Is it because they can’t feel that it makes them so angry when others cry? I am really trying to figure this out.
In 16 years I probably saw him cry at “normal” things like deaths and funerals, 2-3 times and now I wonder if he just did that because he knew he should. The thing I can’t figure out is why he did cry watching certain movies “Field of Dreams” and “Hoosiers” to name two and TV shows like Modern Family. (That one I thought could make sense because he loathed his own family.) I would think crying from movies or TV shows would indicate his ability to feel but, maybe not.
Any input would really help me.
September 8, 2016 at 7:00 pm #39720Donna AndersenKeymaster
BAcktoBeingMe67 – Many sociopaths can cry on demand. It is never authentic. Rather, it is as you suggested – they cry during events like funerals because they figured out intellectually that it was the appropriate thing to do to appear human.
I have heard of sociopaths crying at movies and TV shows, but I haven’t heard a good explanation for that. But again, I doubt that it is authentic.
As far as anger when you cried – they often express anger at any type of emotion in the partner they’re victimizing. One of the ways sociopaths control their victims is to narrow the range of emotions that you’re “allowed” to feel. My guess is that’s what he was doing – enforcing control over you.
September 9, 2016 at 4:48 pm #39721BeautifulMessParticipant
My soon to be X, also hurt me, then claimed my tears were manipulation. Now as I am fully aware of him and his ways, he cries all of the time, at first, as a Empath it would pull me back in, I’d let him back in to hurt me yet again. But now, I fully understand why he had claimed over the years that my tears were just manipulation, as that is exactly what he uses his tears for on me. I’ve learned that they tell you who they are, by what they claim you are. Telling us that WE are Crazy, being the most used! Because they know, that they in fact are bat shit crazy!
September 11, 2016 at 3:01 am #39722need2healParticipant
My ex BF, whom I believe to be an extreme narcissist, (my friends label him sociopath) actually TOLD me he knew how to make himself cry if he needed to! Only once, very early in our relationship did he tear up, trying to show a soft side about some story that I’m sure was B.S. to suck me back in. And, BeautifulMess, My guy would often tell me I was bat shit crazy! I wasn’t before I met him but I am now!! Working on getting my sanity back!
September 11, 2016 at 4:14 am #39723BeautifulMessParticipant
I’m a Christian, it’s most likely the only thing that has kept me from taking my own life, as I can’t even begin to tell you what the last 7 years of our 13 year marriage has been like, it is so bad, it would sound like a made for TV movie.
Anyway… My soon to be X-NarcBoy, showed up at my house 10 days ago, upset, crying, saying he has learned so much, God has helped him to see his lessons. I was sucked in yet again. But this time, I called him out on the gas lighting, set boundaries, spoke my feelings and my thoughts, didn’t cave when he bullied me. He only lasted less than a week before I was discarded again, I was told he can’t deal with MY EMOTIONS, anymore because I cried seeing my 11 year old German Shepherd for the first time in 6 weeks, unable to walk on his back legs anymore. I was told MY CRYING just reminded him of all the crying I did over the last 2-3 years, after finding out about his numerous affairs throughout our whole marriage, and he can’t take it anymore, he can’t take MY CRYING ANYMORE! After him being in tears that whole week, as I held him.
It’s ok, I’m ok, I’ve almost become numb to the pain of his discards. They once left me in a emotional ball in bed for 2-3 months after he left, each time has been less and less. This time only one day in bed watching two seasons of “Girls” on HBO, and now I’m just fine again. Even went on a blind date tonight.
As bad as this is to say, I’m allowing him to think he has tore me up again, so he THINKS, I will be to broken to still file our Divorce papers on Monday. NOT, I’m filing and raising the amount of alimony I will be asking for. That will Send him spinning!
He used not only fake tears, but he also used GOD to worm his way back in this time. I’m still a very caring person, I’m still a Christian, I’m still a Empath, but NOW, I’m Much Stronger than he has ever seen me. He USED GOD! I will never give that NarcBoy another chance, He will NEVER see MY TEARS ever again. His ugly Soul feeds off of me, every time I’m doing good, getting back on my feet, he comes back and feeds off of my energy, until I drop. But this time, my plan is to starve him out, he will never feed off of ME again!
Divorce papers and Alimony on Monday.. He can cry Me a damn river, but I’ll still just walk on by, with my head held high, and not one tear will be shed for him!
Bye, Bye NarcBoy ðŸ’€ðŸ”«!
September 12, 2016 at 9:07 am #39727Back2BeingMe67Participant
Beautiful mess – you hit the nail on the head. You are right. There were so many times he let behind the curtain – the one I didn’t know existed. He would say “If you knew who I was, you wouldn’t like me” or “I wish I had met you when I was younger.” or “She saved me.” “I f-ing hate you, I need to get away to figure out why I hate you.” or the best “You were the one, you were always the one” (that one said SCREAMING at me.)
So it makes sense when he said tears were manipulation it’s because that is how he used them. He would always accuse me of what he was guilty of “You have to be the center of attention” “It’s always about you” “You can’t be friend with en because they will always want to have sex with you.” “You love chaos.” All projection.
Thank you for helping me see through another lens.
September 12, 2016 at 1:52 pm #39728passielParticipant
My most recent ex narcopath often accused me of emotional manipulation / blackmail / extortion. I never once considered he was projecting on to me. Thank you for that thought.
I never saw him cry or heard emotion in his voice. He would sometimes text something emotion wrought but never in speech. When his mother died a few months ago he told me he spent the day crying, however, I never heard the swollen sinus thing in his voice, never heard his voice waver, never pause a moment to collect himself – in fact he very humiliatingly discarded me just days after her death for another woman we’d met spending time together the day after his mother’s death. He told me he was hurting too but just weren’t good for each other. This was the way it had to be. Then there was nothing but scorn, anger and derision in his voice when he told me how pathetic and disgusting I was. I finally told him that he did not feel emotions that other people did. (I did not know the reality behind narcissists and sociopaths at the time. I am horrified to prove myself right on that count). He was more shocked and surprised than I have ever seen anyone be after that statement and denied it but I could tell it shook him. I was always *too* something. Too drama, too sensitive, too emotional. He wanted me to not care about people’s feelings and ‘just have fun’. Yet nothing was fun unless he was the one proclaiming and controlling it.
February 19, 2017 at 4:49 pm #40237SunnygalParticipant
I was involved with a psychopath who repeatedly criticized and put down his mother. I’ve read this is part of the disorder.
March 8, 2017 at 12:02 am #40289JRC861027Participant
Okay, this ended up long. I have so many examples of weird crying incidents with my soon-to-be-ex wife.
I don’t know what is wrong with my wife but she definitely has some kind of personality disorder. Our marriage therapist met with me separately and told me she has no empathy- didn’t label her a sociopath but said she could fit under a number of personality disorders.
So, speaking of crying! She would cry crocodile tears throughout our marriage. Even when we were dating I knew they were fake and a manipulation. Why I didn’t stop dating her then, I don’t know! (I took the quiz and was a 30 for being a target…)
Anyway, when I would get sad, she would get MORE sad over something else. Sort of “stealing my thunder” so my emotions didn’t matter and hers were more important. Or if I was upset she’d get mad at me. If I cried, she would YELL at me and tell me to STOP IT! She even screamed “what the F is wrong with you” to my MOTHER at a restaurant and when I was upset and angry at her for yelling at my mom (who is a narcissist herself, so not easy to deal with- but DOES NOT deserve to be screamed at in a public place) she said I wasn’t supporting her the way a married couple should support one another. She was mad at ME for being upset with her.
She had a horrible affair on me. (we are lesbians, but I don’t know if that matters exactly, but it will give context to the story somewhat) When I found out she never cried or showed remorse. I could be screaming at her, bawling hysterically, etc. Nothing. She told me she was crying in private when I asked why she never cried. Then, she moved out and moved in with the OW. She immediately regretted it and came CRYING back to me. I said why are you crying now? My tears never meant anything to you? She wanted me back because the situation with the OW (other woman) was difficult because her son is severely autistic and doesn’t talk- he only screams to get what he wants and my wife could barely handle our perfectly normal child (who is also rather mellow and just likes to read books and play with legos) without losing her cool. Well, of course, she showed so much “remorse” and so much “regret” and said and did all the right things that I took her back. We were in couples counseling and she started her own therapy. We were in therapy for a couple months. She was living with the OW, but supposedly broken up. I finally said she could move back in and was set to move in on a the next weekend.
Then one day that week I caught her with the OW! She was very scared that the reconciliation was off. Now, to put this in context, I have an a lot of money and we live in a beautiful neighborhood in a large house we remodeled to our dream house. We lived there only 6 months when she started the affair. The OW has horrible credit, makes very little money, and my wife left and realized she is dirt poor without the money I bring to the relationship. Her account was always overdrawn and she’d ask me for money. I think she didn’t want to lose our lifestyle, where we never have to worry about money. Now looking back, I think it was all about our lifestyle.
Anyway, I catch them together out shopping, of all things. I make my wife get in the car and I give her this huge talking-to all the way back to her place where she lives with the OW and tell her if she REALLY wants to make things work with me, to pack up and move back in NOW. Again, no tears. I comment on that again, saying, Why don’t you cry if you’re so sorry?
She is freaking out all day and actually SENDS ME TEXT MESSAGES with PHOTOS of her CRYING. She says “see how upset I am” WHO DOES THAT? I had told her she needed to move home to our house that day and never see the OW again. She has about 50 reasons why she can’t. She puts it off and even though I said move back NOW she doesn’t. Then, her and the OW totally gaslight me and make it seem like I was crazy for being mad that they were “just out shopping” and the OW kept telling my wife she needs to “be careful” around me because I am unpredictable and unstable. She waits the full week even though I tell her I won’t reconcile with her if she is disregarding my wishes and the affair must be over in every way, shape and form.
When it’s time to come back, I don’t really want her home anymore as she betrayed my trust with the shopping trip and then didn’t even come home when I asked. But supposed to take care of our son while I work and his daycare is closed for President’s day. Stupid reason to let her back in. I should have made her go live with her parents. But I am OPTIMISTIC and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Of course, two days later she’s cheating on me and NOW I tell her she is being served. I served her with divorce papers and there’s no turning back! BUT we still live together. And she upsets me ALL THE TIME. When I cry she gets mad and yells at me. I tell her it’s normal to feel sad in this situation. When I cried tonight, she said “I am so sick of your crying. Get over it already. You’re trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty and I don’t need that.”
She SHOULD feel guilty. She has destroyed my life and our son’s life. She has decided that her, the OW and the other woman’s son are going to move several hours away where the cost of living is cheaper (since the OW has no money) and doesn’t plan on even pursuing more custody with our son than the minimum of every other weekend (if she even keeps that up.) She told me “I have other people to think about now.”
What the hell is this and she MUST be some kind of sociopath.
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