How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Some detailed red flags/situations i’ve dealt with being with my N boyfriend
September 12, 2019 at 11:27 am #54205
I came out of an 8 year relationship at the end of last year (married a mere 6 months). We have a 2 and a half year old son together. Fast forward to Feb and I meet my current partner (N). I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Heck, i’d been in one for 8 years and just wanted to be by myself for a while. Unfortunately, anyone who is with an N knows all too well the charm, you find yourself very quickly in the love bomb scenario.
My ex husband was my first relationship and my first love (met at 17, i’m now 26) so this whole dating thing was (and still is) very new to me. I sure as hell didn’t even know these type of people existed. Anyway, fast forward a few months later and I founnd out he’d been cheating on me. I had every intention to never speak to him again. Blocked off everything and luckily at the time I was away but the minute I got back he was knocking at my door. The biggest mistake was opening that door. I’m totally ashamed of myself for taking him back but he used every trick in the book. I forgave him and we continued our relationship. No cheating (to my knowledge) has happened since but the mental torture I go through from his abuse feels way worse than being cheated on. I feel trapped. I’ve tried to end the relationship so many times but it’s almost like he won’t let me!! He will nag and plead, get angry and aggressive, then turn loving and emotional and it’s just such a rollercoaster that I end up giving in.
The way it feels is like i’m miserable with him, but i’m miserable with out. I know I need to get out of this mess but I don’t know how. He has threatened to kill me, my friends and all my family, he’s threatened “I will make your life hell”, told me that without me he’d rather kill himself as I am the only thing keeping him going, he breaks in to my flat. I can’t escape. All this being said, some tiny part of me still loves this loser?! I wish I could explain it but I don’t even understand it myself. Some things he does are:
*Compares me to other women on social media ALL the time.
*Has physically pushed me across a nightclub dance floor so hard I ended up on my ass. He got kicked out. I broke up with him but he broke in to my flat that night and manipulated me to stay with him.
*He criticizes my parenting. Tells me i’m not hard enough on my son. (he has no kids but seems to be the master of parenting…)
*We had been exclusive for a day… a DAY (btw this other girl unbeknownst to be was still in the picture at this time) and he asked if he could get me pregnant. Hell no Satan!!
*When I said no to getting me pregnant he proposed to me with.. now get this… the ring he proposed to his ex with… ermmmm wtf?
*The sex is great but he uses it as a weapon. Tells me he can’t be bothered and would rather sleep so when I say “okay lets sleep then” he proceeds anyway. I know his tactic. He’s worried if he doesn’t give me sex i’ll try find it elsewhere.
*He tells me i’m the best sex he’s ever had but we all know the trick here. If the dog gives you its paw when asked, you give it a treat so it knows to do it again when asked… you get my point *sigh*.
*I’m not allowed out to bars with out him. Not even with my best friend. If by some miracle i’m allowed out, he hounds me all night with essay texts. I know his plan is o try and make it so instead of socialising, i’m glued to my phone. OH and he sometimes just turns up uninvited.
*He has told me i’m ugly. No one else will love me the way he does (yeah, you’re right there loser…), I should feel lucky that he has chosen to be tied down with me. The list goes on and on.
*He also doesn’t let me shave my downstairs. His exact words “Shaven p*ssy, bye bye boyfriend”. I know now that’s all to do with power and so that I’m less tempted to stray. I shaved once for a Dr Apt and for a week I got accused of cheating.
Sorry to ramble but I just needed to get this off my chest and get it down in writing. I need to remember how effed up this really is and start the process of kicking this guy to the curb once and for all.
September 12, 2019 at 2:12 pm #54207
Jess- He is a narcissist. He will always treat you badly. These relationships are addictive. No Contact is the way to heal. There is alot of information here. Take it a day at a time.
September 12, 2019 at 5:04 pm #54217
Thank you so much for replying. It truly is addictive but the colder and colder he’s getting the less addicted I am yet I still feel trapped. I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over.
September 12, 2019 at 4:51 pm #54214
Hi Jess,sending you huge hugs! 💜💜💜You should be so proud of yourself for researching & having the courage to post here on Lovefraud. This is a safe place & a savings grace for all those that escaped the grips of a sociopath.
The fact that you see who he is & what he has done to you IS A HUGE STEP OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!! HUGE STEP!!
I remember being in the same place you are now…I felt stuck. I would be thankful for leaving on my weekly business trip to get away from him. I would wish that he would not come home. I wished that he lived in a separate house. But, I could not walk away. I could not understand this. At that time I would think “what happened to me, what happened to the strong person I once was, what happened to the person that would not put up with cheating ever or someone miss treating me”…that was gone. Like you I was sucked.
Jess, do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse IS Emotional, Mental, Verbal & Finacial abuse?
Typically physical abuse does not occur until the woman is about to leave her abuser or has just left her abuser!!
On the national Domestic violence hotline they spell out what is emotional, mental & verbal abuse (I willpost below for you to read).
“He has threatened to kill me, my friends and all my family,”
THIS IS EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & VERABAL ABUSE!!!
This man IS very DANGEROUS!!
You need to clearly listen to his threat!! And get a Safety & Exit plan out of this very dangerous relationship with the help of your National Domestic Abuse Hotline ASAP. IN the USA their phone numbers is 800-799-SAFE. TELL THEM WHAT HE HAS STATED TO YOU!!!
Also get your local abuse center number and GO for free counseling & women group meeting ASAP!! My ex did the same…most abuser will threaten their victims and also say they will kill themselves. YOU MUST TAKE HIS WORDS SERIOUSLY!!
I founnd out he’d been cheating on me.
Do you know Jess that cheating is a form of emotional & mental abuse?
Do you know ALL cheaters will lie, manipulate & omit information which are ALL forms of emotional & mental abuse?
I’m totally ashamed of myself for taking him back but he used every trick in the book
Jess DO NOT be ashamed of taking him back. These guys are masterful con artist. They know how to con people and have been conning people since they were children…parents & teachers & Peers.
Do you know Jess that victims typically go back to their abuser 6-9 times before finally breaking free?
But, you have the tools now to escape sooner!! You have researched for HELP & answers! That’s a HUGE HUGE HUGE STEP ahead of those that keep going back over & over. You are stating you want out…THAT IS A GREAT PLACE TO BE!!
I promise you that you will break free. The key is to keep researching & reading everything here at lovefruad and with the help of your local abuse center. Pat yourself on the back hon…you are taking your life back!! You will get this guy out of your life for good. You just need help with a Safety & Exit plan.
“The way it feels is like i’m miserable with him, but i’m miserable with out.”
This is sadly normal when you are with a sociopath! They have locked us into our thinking that we can not leave. They have manipulated our thinking by literally BRAIN WASHING, MIND CONTROLLING US AND USE HYPNOSIS & TRANCE!! YES!! HOW SCARY IS THAT!! This is why reading reading reading and comparing it to your relationship will help open your mind up from all of these crazy scary tactics they have done to us.
DO you know Jess this guy is your cult leader & you are his cult follower! Think about that!!
According to Steven Hassan author of Freedom of mind (do a search here on love fraud for his name) and Cult expert…the most likely time to be sucked into a cult is when you have a life change…
such as Divorce, empty nest, job change, going off to college, moving etc etc.
You see that you had a life change…and this guy saw that your barriers where down dealign with your divorce. He target you! You were sucked into his con game…But know you will be able to escape him.
I will write more later. But, know this EVERYTHING that you posted about what he does/says IS ABUSE!!
Please call the National domestic hotline 800-799-SAFE USA or google for your country’s hotline now.
do a serach here on love fraud for “addiction” this guy has created an addition to need him…but you know you really dont need him. SO you have to break the addiction…its’ not easy…but you can do it. But, to be safe you MUST get a Safey & Exit plan out with the help of the National domestic abuse center! So call them today. They are really helpful. They will not talk about the term sociopath. But,they will help you out. But still keep coming here to Lovefraud…otehrs will post & most likely Donna to. But, most importantly READ Everything here.
Look up here on LF:
Gas lighting abuse
No contact rule
socioapth smear campaign
DO NOT TELL HIM WHO HE IS FOR YOUR SAFETY!! DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVIGN HIM UNTIL YOU GET HELP FROM THE DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER. If you can go to a friends house with out telling him for your safety. And then just tell him you are sick or to tired to see him.
bit your tongue and do not argue with him or again tell him you are breaking it off until you have a Safety & exit plan (google & look on you tube for videos) in place.
I will write later.🌺🌺🌺
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Jan7.
September 12, 2019 at 5:19 pm #54218
Thank you so much for your reply. I wish I had followed my gut from the start but I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing… When I first met him I was told he was arrested and taken to court for trying to strangle his ex but it was thrown out of court. He told me it was all made up and I stupidly believed him. Now I realise that it was more than likely true.
Other than the push, he has slapped me once during sex. I was totally taken aback and when I said “wtf was that??!” he made out he thought I’d enjoy it…. I assumed there had been a miscommunication and maybe he had assumed I liked that sort of thing. I mean, it really REALLY hurt but I stupidly brushed it off. I have always been strong willed and have never stood for sh*t and i’m known in my circle for that so this has really baffled me. A part of me is scared of him. I’m 5ft2 and light as a feather and he is 6ft1 and build like a tank (big in to the ‘roids.. shock) but i’m not as scared as I probably should be. Why is that?! Is that my brain making it appear less than it is for some psychological reason I don’t understand? All my friends have said “Jess, I am dreading the day we get the call that he’s killed you” but I always brush it off because I can’t imagine him doing that but again, that’s probably me making it appear less than it is.
Now I look back on it, I feel he could have raped me too but I really don’t want to throw that word around so loosely. We had a huge fall out and he got very aggressive. He said “I want nothing to do with you but i’m still going to f*ck you like the dirty slut you are”. I allowed him to have sex with me out of sheer panic. He had sex with me like I was a rag doll and when he finished he threw me off him and left. I felt so violated and used but I didn’t say yes or no to the sex so I’m unsure. Your insight in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
I know you say I shouldn’t feel ashamed but I really am so embarrassed that i’ve allowed all this to happen to me. He has emptied me of everything I once was. I feel empty. My parents keep shouting at me “why don’t you just leave him!! It’s simple!” (they don’t even know the half of it either) but when I try and explain it they just look at me like i’m crazy 🙁 and I sure do feel crazy.
Sorry for the long reply. I just have no one in the real world that I can talk to that understands. It’s such a weight off my shoulders.
September 12, 2019 at 4:56 pm #54215
This is from the National Domestic Violence hotline USA:
“What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.
Here at The Hotline, we use the Power & Control Wheel* to describe most accurately what occurs in an abusive relationship.
Think of the wheel as a diagram of the tactics an abusive partner uses to keep their victim in the relationship. While the inside of the wheel is comprised of subtle, continual behaviors, the outer ring represents physical, visible violence. These are the abusive acts that are more overt and forceful, and often the intense acts that reinforce the regular use of other more subtle methods of abuse.
*Although this Power & Control Wheel uses she/her pronouns for the victim and assumes a male perpetrator, abuse can happen to people of any gender in any type of relationship.
Power and Control Wheel (Jess look this up!! it will not print the photo)
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.
In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Explore the tabs below to learn some of the common warning signs of each type of abuse. Experiencing even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember, each type of abuse is serious, and no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason. If you have concerns about what’s happening in your relationship, contact us. We’re here to listen and support you!
You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:
Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
Hurting you with weapons
Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
Harming your children
Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)
Emotional Abuse Sexual Abuse & Coercion Reproductive Coercion Financial Abuse Digital Abuse”
PS. by him belittling your parents it’s part of his tactic to isolate you from your parents so he has control over you. Open up to your most trusted family & friends & tell them what is really going on in this relationship and ask them for help also.
Invest in a home security system without him knowing. Best option is to hire a company to install & Monitor your home but if you cant afford that you can find full security systems at Home depot or Lowes (big hard ware store or online) starting at $15 per door/window for two and $100 for a whole system which takes batteries.
September 12, 2019 at 6:25 pm #54220
Hi Jess, do not apologize for the long post…this is what we all did when we escaped because these sociopaths are crazy & they do so many crazy things it takes a long time to post.
I get that you feel embarrassed. I did too. I think most victims do. Sociopaths are masterful at making us feel bad for THEIR horrible behavior…they use many tactics including (look up here on LF & the net)
Pity me manipulation
Sociopath blame shifting
I remember driving to my local abuse center for my first counseling session…I pulled into the parking spot early, and literally sobbed my eyes out until my appointment time. I was so embarrassed to go into the building.
I sat there crying thinking “how the hell did I get here, I’m smart, always listen to my gut about people, saw that his behavior was not normal the second I met him (literally the second I met him)….but,
once I went in and the counselor who had also been abused explain things & asked me questions and then she recommend that I attend the “women group meetings’…which I did…again embarrased that I was there…but, each of the women explained what their aubsive mate had done to them…and it was EYE OPENING to hear the stories that were exactly like mine…I was shocked…but, this opened my mind…that I should not be embarrassed or ashamed for staying so long (before going I went to counseling and learned the first session that I was married to a sociopath).
So going to this meeting with all these abuse victims was literally a light bulb moment & really did wake me up to abuse. Before that I just thought abuse was just physical. And Yes…my ex did things to me physically a few times but not the whole marriage…but, again going to that first meeting was huge
…and I literally drove home & said I would NEVER ever go back to him. NEVER DID. Before that I thought that was it, i left him & drove across country but still he would send me emails & I stupidly read them & it would put my mind in a tail spin that maybe we could work things out.
But, I also realized that his words were all lying & manipulative words & that when I read them there was no substance to the words no real emotions to his words and they were just emotionally bs. And I also realized after escaping that he made me sick psychically if I talked to him or read an email. This was my gut instinct reacting to him…MY GUT ALARM WAS GOING OFF LOUDLY.. TO GET AWAY FROM HIM FOR GOOD.
Sociopaths are Pathological liars! Look this term up on LF & the net
RIGHT NOW YOUR GUT ALARM IS GOINGN OFF…YOU KNOW HE IS DANGEROUS…YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM…this is HUGE!! This is really a powerful moments that you might not realize right now. This is that turning point of escaping his grips for ever!!
The most important thing today to know IS YOU ARE NOT ALONE JESS! you have everyone here to help you, the National domestic abuse hotline & your local center, Donna Anderson site created of LF and your friends & family.
Sociopaths isolate their victims both mentally (what your bf was doing by belittling your parents my ex did the same plus friends also) and physically…moving away from family or manipulating you to not make time for your family etc.
Print out articles from Lovefraud & show your parents why you just cant “leave” him…tell them it’s like being in a cult. If you feel that you are not getting the support emotionally from your parents..it’s ok…the best support are those that have been in the hell with a sociopath because we know first hand the manipulation. But someone who has not been manipulate just things that the abuser “can change” or can get help to change…this is not the case.
YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL NEVER CHANGE…WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU WILL AWAYS GET…HE WILL DO THE SAME ABUSE TO HIS NEXT VICTIM…JUST LIKE HE DID TO HIS EX WIFE…AND NOW YOU…
Sociopaths are serial cheaters too!! Know this…he most likely cheated more times then you think. When I told my counselor after leaving my husband & told her that I thought he cheated on me 12 times, she told me it was more like 3 to 4 times that. That is what sociopaths do CHEAT…they want power & control over others.
I would recommend also that you write down everything he has done to you in a journal or here at LF or on your computer. For your safety you might want to add a password requirement on your computer (if he never uses your computer) so that he cant see that you are here at LF. If he does use your computer be sure to clear your history. If you are scared that he might see what you have been searching about his behavior then use a trusted friend/family members computer or the local library computers.
Keep posting today. I will keep checking back. And research those terms I have posted so that you start opening your mind from his brain washing & mind control.
Also. Look up “cognitive dissonance”…this is holding TWO BELIEF systems on him..he’s good he’s bad…he has trained you to believe this in your mind…but really he is BAD…he is dangerous. The more you read your mind will turn back to he is evil. That there is not good in him. It takes time.
Let your emotions out…if you need to cry..cry..if you need to sob..sob (not at work though)…if you are angry get a piece of paper out & write down everything that you are angry about.
You will go thru all the grieving stages…just like if you lost someone by death. SO do some research on this so you will understand all the stages & not panic. Our brains know how to sort trauma out…so this is why it’s important to feel these emotions.
All check back soon.
September 12, 2019 at 6:35 pm #54221
Jess, your wrote that he rapped you. I get that it’s emotional to think about that. But, please talk to a counselor about that…this is what sociopaths do! Remember they want power & control over others…and they want to create trauma in their victims to bond them to them more.
My ex would start to do things sexually to me while I was sleeping and then I would wake up and he would want sex. I would always be what the hell..but I would give in. It was not until after I escaped & saw a Dr Phil show did I realize this was also abuse. This is what sociopaths do! IT’s about having power over others…it’s about crossing boundaries.
What he did to you was NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR OR NORMAL. NOW THIS. HE IS DANGEROUS TO YORU MIND SET & PHYSICALLY. He honestly could be a serial rapist with that behavior. And what he said to you IS pure abuse!!
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS!! 💜💜💜
September 12, 2019 at 9:06 pm #54222
Omg!! That’s what my boyfriend does to me. We will be fast asleep and I’ll wake up to him doing sexual things to me. Once I’m fully awake sometimes we’ll have sex but I’m always sat there afterwards like “wtf just happened”. Sometimes he’ll start touching me and then roll back over and just go back to sleep. Once I confronted him about it and his response was “just to remind you you’re mine and I’m still here”. I responded with “…so you see me as your possession” and his backhanded compliment was “well you ARE mine but it’s also because you are the love of my life” errrrrr okayyyyyy.
Wow I didn’t realize other people have had that situation too. This is SO eyeopening.
Thank you so much for all your replies. You have helped me more than I can explain. Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my (broken, but not for long I hope) heart xxx
September 14, 2019 at 1:51 am #54241
Thought I’d update you as this is very big. Went out tonight (with permission from N) and it’s finally come to a head. He lashed out and hit me. A guy that was stood near (as this was in public) attacked him and broke his jaw. He’s currently in police custody and I have to go down to the police station tomorrow morning to make a statement (I refused tonight as I’m totally beside myself). This is is for good. I’m not doing this anymore. He has hurt me one too many times and I can’t go back from this.
I sit here writing this with a throbbing face (from the attack) and a throbbing heart. I can’t believe I have been subjected to this. It feels so unfair. I’m staying at my parents for a little bit in case he decides to show up at my house (if/when he gets out of jail).
I’ll check back soon with updates. For now I need to take some pain relief and try and sleep x
September 14, 2019 at 2:02 am #54242
If he can’t post bail, they will keep him in jail.
September 14, 2019 at 2:05 am #54243
I have no idea of the situation currently. The police are ringing me in the morning. If I don’t press charges, they said they have CCTV so mag press charges on my behalf. I’m unsure of what I currently want to do. He’s meant to be going to the navy in January. I don’t want to fuck that up for him as I want him to leave this island so badly (I live on a small island off the coast of France and navy is in the UK). I’m in a catch 22.
September 14, 2019 at 12:04 pm #54244
He’s just been released on bail now. I feel sick to my stomach.
September 14, 2019 at 1:44 pm #54245
Jess- I just listened to the French Radio Orchestra play Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2. It is a wonderful orchestra.
Are you with your parents?
September 12, 2019 at 9:44 pm #54224
Jess, you’re so welcome. What Donna Anderson (LF site creator) created with this site after her horrible encounter with a evil sociopath, is really so amazing for all of use to share the hell we endured & educate ourselves with all the articulate articles she post for us to learn. I would come here to this site when I woke up or was sobbing all day just to read. It put my mind at ease. And it gave me the closure I needed to never open the door to him again. Now I look at photos of him & it literally makes my skin crawl to look at him. You will get to this point also.
the one thing I have learned reading about other’s peoples experiences and how close they are to what I also endured is the fact, these sociopaths literally use the same play book. It’s so crazy how similar stories are. It was the same when I went to my first women’s group meeting and how similar the stories were to mine. Very eye opening.
My ex did the same Jess in the middle of the night. Sometimes twice in one night. I was mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted by the time I crawled out of his hell. That is what sociopath want = you exhausted in all ways = easier to control you.
this guy that you are involved with is very very dangerous. He’s a sociopath or psychopath!! All sociopath & psychopaths are narcissist also. But, not all narcissist are sociopath or psychopath. Keep reading to open up your mind from his mind control. Everything he stated that he controls you is all power & control. This is what sociopaths truly want And they do not like to let go of their victims. They see us as objects not people. Educating yourself now will truly help you to slam the door shut on him for good.
💜💜💜Take care. I’ll post some more tomorrow.
Know that you are not alone Jess. We are here for you, we hear you & believe you!!
September 13, 2019 at 4:32 am #54233lunaParticipant
Dear Jess, Jan7 said everything right on point.
I am only sending this reply in addition for you to know that all of us, who encountered a sociopath, psycopath, narc had been through this.
As Jan7 said, you were raped and it is ok to say it and admit it. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship with the person, this is abuse.
I have been on the rollercoster you have, for 4 years and a half, only i would also get beated up if i would not obbey.
Same thing with waxing my downstairs.. We would had huge fights about it, because of course i was a slut.. I couldn’t go anywhere without me having random sex on my way (all in his sick mind, of course). And there you are finding youurself loosing energy and power in trying to fight the accusations and making him see it is not normal behaviour.
Yes, they see us as their property and my ex would also say he would kill me, so nobody else can have me.
They are extremely dangerous and the abuse doesn’t stop, it gets worse and worse through time. Now he is still testing your bonderies, but believe me he will get worse.
Do not let him in your house anymore, change locks and even call the cops if necessary.
Block him on all social media and do not engage with him in any way. They will always win. Nobody can beat their manipulative ways.
Stay safe, know you are not the only one who has lived abused and it is ok to find support and talk open about it. It is the very first step towards healing yourself.
Sending you positive thoughts. Stay strong!
September 13, 2019 at 8:54 am #54235Donna AndersenKeymaster
Jess – the guy is a sociopath. he will never change. You need to get out. Yes, it is difficult, but it can be done. The first step is choosing yourself – your life, your wellbeing, your health, your sanity. Then you figure out how to leave – as safely as possible. Then you establish No Contact. You do not talk to him ever again.
Are you in the UK? The guy is engaging in COERCIVE CONTROL, which is ILLEGAL in the UK. You might want to talk to the police about it.
September 14, 2019 at 7:18 pm #54257
Hi Jess, I’m so sorry that you endured this guys physical abuse. 😢PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact your country’s Domestic Hotline & go to your local abuse center ASAP for help on how to handle this situation with the police. Then you can talk with the police after.
If this guy that you are dating, is willing to lay a hand on you in public you need to be SERIOUSLY concerned as to what he would do to you at home!!
You stated in your original post:
*Has physically pushed me across a nightclub dance floor so hard I ended up on my ass. He got kicked out. I broke up with him but he broke in to my flat that night and manipulated me to stay with him.
His Public Physical abuse towards you is not the first time…at what point will you say ENOUGH?
At what point hon, will you say “I deserve better then what I am settling with this guy?”
There are 7 BILLION people on this planet…half are male…at least half of the males are in your dating range…throw this guy back into the sea & find a good, honest, loving & kind guy who will respect you & let your grow & learn and be able to love your friends, family & him without being abused emtional, mentally & verbally.
This guy is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS JESS please please please know this!! Please get help from your local domestic center.
One thing you have to think about is this other guy IS going to most likely press charges so that he is not sued by your boyfriend. SO his military might end…it this other guy does press police charges..please do the same. In the mean time talk with your local abuse center to see what is the best direction for your safety if this other guy does not press charges and how long before you must file charges i.e. 5 days, 10 days, 40 days…then if you have time seriously get into counseling with a counselor who understand who abuse i.e. sociopaths narcissist etc NOT ALL COUNSELORS are educated on this. Your local abuse center might have several counselor recommendations.
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS JESS…I know that was extremely scary & physically hurtful to be in the grips of you bf’s abuse.
Please make a list of all the things he has done to you emotional, mentally, physical financially verbal Abusive EVERYTHING…this will help you to see the truth = THIS GUY IS NEVER GOING TO BE NORMAL…HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE…WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET!! GET OUT KNOW HON…DONT WASTE YEARS TRYING TO “FIX” THIS RELATIONSHIP…HE CAN NOT BE FIX AND THERFOR THE RELATIONSHIP CAN NOT BE FIXED..
That is ok…there are good guys out in the world…one is perfect for you…but, you will not meet him if you are entangle in this nightmare of abusive guy!!
ASK THIS QUESTION EVERYDAY: HE MY BOYFRIEND ABUSING ME?
Focus on your health…stress is bad especially from a toxic relationship. Look up the free documentary on you tube called “Super juice me” and look up the symptoms of adrenal fatigue (sites like Drlam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org). You most likely have been suffering from PTSD for a long time because of this guy. Part of PTSD I believe is adrenal fatigue. Do a search here at Lovefraud for “hormones” there are good articles on the subject.
Also, go up to the book store tab and look thru Donna’s book store her book “Lovefruad 10 signs you are dating a sociopath” would be a good start…all the books are good from others posting (I have not read them all).
Google: Gavin Debecker Oprah you tube. And watch their several interviews on listening to your gut instinct. YOUR GUT ALARM IS GOING OFF WITH THIS GUY…LISTEN TO YOUR GUT IT IS NEVER WRONG!! EVER!!
sending you hugs.💜💜💜 Keep posting & reading here at lovefruad. IT really does help to vent, educate & connect with others that have endured the same nightmare.
September 14, 2019 at 7:21 pm #54259
Jess, also follow the NO CONTACT RULE!! THIS IS the only way to break off the bond with him and have a life that is nothing but peace and calm.
He is not normal. He never will be. And if you stay with him he will break you down each time you return until you are a shell of a person.
October 16, 2019 at 9:16 am #54770
jan is right on.
September 14, 2019 at 7:29 pm #54260
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.