How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Discussion of female sociopaths › Still in love with a narcissistic psychopath. Pain is unbearable.
May 21, 2020 at 3:41 pm #62795james456Participant
I met a woman and we hit it off. I’ll call her B. I am 40 and she is 50. I could feel something off with how she acted but couldn’t place it. B did all of the things described in the videos….love bombed, mirrored, made me feel like one in a billion. Her husband had died in a tragic accident a year before we met. We talked about her life and my life and she told me she had dated no one and had been lonely and that I was so special to make her feel again.
I found out she had been sexually molested as a child and felt terrible for her. As the relationship got physical I found her awkwardness and shyness very sweet and it made me fall totally in love with her. I felt protective and endeared to her.
Things were great for six months and there was all of the “we are soulmates” talk and the powerful love bombing and all of that. We were at an outdoor event watching a band when I noticed a guy watching us from against a wall about 40 feet away out of the corner of my eye. I looked at him and thought nothing of it, then looked back and he was staring a hole into me. I stared back for a second and then kept staring, and I waved to see if it was someone I knew, he had a hat and sunglasses on. He immediately jumped and ducked into a nearby crowd. I was weirded out and asked her if she had seen him and she said, who? You are being paranoid. Fifteen minutes later I looked behind us and he was ten feet away talking to some people, while staring right at her. I looked at her and then back at him and said, what in the hell is the deal? Do you know him? She looked confused and said, oh, he is a neighbor. Immediately I felt cold. He stood there a while longer and then left.
On the way home I asked why he was acting that way and she said, who knows, he is a bit of a weirdo. The next day came and I was texting with her and I said, ok, so what is the real deal? Did you have a thing with this guy? A few minutes later she came back and said, I wouldn’t call it a thing. We just kissed.
I wanted to throw my phone through the wall. This woman had told me she was sad and lonely and heartbroken and made me feel like I was the one guy that had made her feel since her husband died. I asked her how this neighbor thing had happened if she hadn’t dated anyone. She said, it wasn’t dating. We were just friends and hung out. It’s not like I ever wanted to be with him. You are being paranoid and overreacting. I didn’t talk to her for a day or so, told her I needed some space. She kept telling me it was nothing, nothing happened. I am a very moral, clean and picky guy and I had entered into a physical relationship with her partially because she had told me there had been nothing with anyone else.
I should mention at this point too, I have a child with an ex wife and I had refrained from dating or getting involved with anyone because I didn’t want to confuse my son with girlfriends, and, my ex was very wary of me bringing a stepmom in and I respected that, and I knew if I did get involved with anyone seriously I would be bringing a lot of stress onto myself with all of it. So the fact that I had entered into a relationship with this woman, it was the first I had been in since my marriage ended, and the only reason was because it felt very special, I felt very special. I have only had a few relationships in my life, I do not sleep around and I definitely do not go with women who do. Call me a prude, but I am a one man/one woman type of guy, I want honesty and I want real.
So this was the first lie. Her and I talked and I told her I could understand in a way, but that she had been dishonest with me and that was not something I deal with. She again said it was nothing, she cried (fake tears I now know), said she was sorry. I said ok and we moved on. It had created a level of paranoia in me though….like, is this person who she says she is?
After I had caught B in this lie, there was period of love bombing and flattery, then a period of her seeming to detach a bit. We talked nightly and chatted late at night on FB, and usually around 11pm or 12am or so she would say I love you, goodnight, and we’d go to bed. One night she said I am tired around 10pm, goodnight. I said ok, me too, goodnight. I went to lay down and couldn’t sleep. I got back on FB and was looking around and I noticed that she was online. Already paranoid, I stuck around to see how long she stayed on. An hour later she was still online chatting with someone. I messaged and asked, can’t sleep? She said, oh yeah, I am watching videos. I said, or….talking to someone else? I was trying not to be paranoid but at that point the lie had been bothering me badly for weeks. B said, no, silly. Goodnight.
A day or two later I went to pick her up and she was getting ready. I noticed her computer was on standby, and feeling like a jerk but feeling validated with what I was seeing in the relationship, I hit the mouse and lo and behold, she had left her FB up. I thought for a second and then told myself, I am just going to validate that she is telling me the truth. That’s it. Once I do that, I will be free of this paranoia and we can go back to a great relationship. It still feels like a jerk move, but I am glad I did.
I went into her messages and found that she had indeed been chatting a guy. A different guy than the neighbor guy. I recognized the name and remembered something….this guy had called her one day when we were together and she had sent it straight to voicemail and looked nervous. I had asked who it was and she said, a friend I grew up with. I looked and they had been chatting nightly at the same time we were. There was sex talk and talk of plans to get together.
I felt the world drop out from under me. I knew it now. She was a fake, the person I had known was not real. It felt like a hideous dream I wanted to wake up from. She came into the room and asked what was wrong and I told her I knew and that we were through. I left and went home and she called me non stop for hours. Finally I answered and we argued and she begged and screamed and said she would die without me. She literally told me I had not seen what I thought I saw, they were friends and they flirted and there had been something the year before we met but again, it was nothing and they just “kissed” and that she was not interested in him.
At this point I was at a loss. I not only felt betrayed, I felt completely crazy. I started questioning my own reality.
I contacted one of her friends and asked if we could talk….I knew this woman had known her since childhood. This friend and I got along very well and she was very kind and liked me a lot. I basically begged her to help me, asked her who I was really dealing with in B, and that I felt like was losing my sanity, but that I didn’t want to lose what felt like the love of my life. I think this was really moment this friend had been waiting for, to get it off her own chest. She swore to deny it if I told B she had told me anything….then she proceeded to tell me that B had a long history of cheating on boyfriends and her husband. She would get drunk and come on and make out with random men at bars weekly and flirt with every man there and that her husband was a saint and would not get mad and just take her home. She said many times the husband had talked of leaving B, but they had a daughter and he felt trapped. She said the moment that the husband had died, B had put on a show of grieving but had immediately started having flings with men. She had seen the neighbor guy who stalked me for months, so it was far more than a kiss. She had likely been seeing him when we met and after. She never showed any guilt or remorse for any of it. She also revealed that B had been physical with several married men in their group of friends, and that they all knew it, but since B was good at playing the victim role, eventually it was all forgotten. B and I had actually had dinner with one of these men she had messed with and his wife and they had been flirty during dinner, I had asked her about it and she said they were just lifelong friends. So it became apparent that “friend” to B as far as males meant doing whatever as long as no one knew.
There a lot of hidden animosity and hidden rage towards B among her group of friend, but she always used charm and false apologies to keep them from dropping her.
I tried to grasp all of this and I felt more pain than I have ever known. I had daydreamed of marrying this woman and spending my life with her. She literally had made me believe she was my soulmate, that I had been the man to bring her back from the brink after her husband. It was simply unbelievable.
I cut off contact with B six months ago. She has emailed me consistently and tried to get me to come back, and I have to admit, I almost did twice. I think about who I thought she was constantly, how it felt like she was the true love of my life and how it felt to hold her. The pain in my heart is unreal….it is like loving the memory of a person who was never there, but who is still out there doing these things just to get her narcissistic supply. I feel ashamed, idiotic, angry, hateful, filled with heartache at the loss of someone I felt so close to….and then numb. It cycles like that and for six months it has not stopped, not for one day. Every minute it is like I am thinking of all of it in my head and asking her, how, and why, would you do this to me? I never lied, never looked at other women, never did anything but love you and be there for you. I am working towards acceptance. I would do anything to just erase it, to no longer know she exists or existed.
I think back now and read all of these phrases that psychopaths use to gaslight…..she used all of them. Anytime I got close to peeling back her mask, she would immediately say I was nuts and thinking too much and that nothing like that stuff ever happened. And it all happened. Even the last time we talked, she told me I was “her person”. And that none of the other stuff ever meant anything…..and I wonder, how can a person have random physical relationships with people, lead them in, discard them….and then think that it makes it BETTER that they weren’t dating and that it was nothing serious?
It is insanity. That is all I can describe it as.
May 21, 2020 at 8:40 pm #62799
JAMES- There is alot of infornation here that can help you get over this relationsip. There are blogs on recovery. You could get Donna’s book or Amber Ault’s book The Five Step Exit. Good you have found Lovefraud.
You might read the feedback on Am I a bad a he says I am.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Sunnygal.
May 22, 2020 at 3:27 pm #62806
Hi James – I am so sorry that you are hurting. Being betrayed and cheated on is one of the worst abuses that anyone can endure. I understand that it makes it even worse because you wanted to protect your child and wanted to respect your ex wife. Plus you have lived a life of honesty and would naturally trust that others, especially one who you were intimate with, would also have that integrity. To discover that was not the case, and as a matter of fact, that the person, under the facade, was actually the opposite of truth and beauty, is something that just twists a knife into one’s heart. What you are going through is the “ despair “ stage of the road to healing. I know that it is incredibly painful to go through. SG suggested books in her post above, and at this point, the only way to get through the anguish and hurt and despair is through learning more about psychological abuse. From your post, I see that you have already been educating yourself about sociopaths. But you really went through a horrible experience and are also probably suffering from PTSD. It was a tremendous trauma. It was lucky that you looked at her computer and spoke with her acquaintance – that showed your strong character that you were able to face the truth and not get buried in denial or in colluding. Use that strength to go forward with the healing process and the pain will truly lessen. It was an honor to read your post and to know what a wonderful father you are.
May 22, 2020 at 5:49 pm #62812
PS – James, I wanted to say that the pain will not only lessen, but you will definitely get to the place where your heart ache will be totally gone and a thing of the past. You will regain your love, happiness and joy ! Just really work on your healing and you will get there.
May 23, 2020 at 12:29 am #62815
james- You might look at the blog on dealing with anger. The sooner you get in touch with some anger, the better off you will be.
May 24, 2020 at 12:05 pm #62823Donna AndersenKeymaster
James456 – I am so sorry for your experience. The woman is a classic sociopath, but you’ve figured that out by now.
I am glad that you have broken up with her. Your post, however, was a bit unclear. Have you established No Contact? No Contact means you do not talk to her, do not read her emails, do not read text messages, and do not go to her facebook page. No Contact is what enables you to heal. It enables the fog to leave your brain. It’s actually the second step towards recovery (after figuring out what you are dealing with). If you are still in contact with her, it’s like continuing to rip the scab off of a wound, and delays your actual recovery.
The pain of these betrayals runs very deep, and the key to recovery is allowing yourself to feel the pain. Yes, it is no fun, but the way out of the fire is through it. Please be patient with yourself. We have more info here on Lovefraud that will help you — keep reading and posting.
May 25, 2020 at 1:48 am #62845james456Participant
Thank you for the kind words and help.
Hi Donna. I have not spoken with her in a few months. I will be really honest, I don’t know if it is the bonding experience or what….I have never bonded with anyone to near the level her and I did….but I seriously have suicidal thoughts daily not talking to her. Is that normal, or at least not totally abnormal? I miss her so much. It makes me sick that I do.
May 26, 2020 at 12:11 am #62864
james- I don’t know if this is normal but you might look at the ted talk about hoW trauma affects health.
May 26, 2020 at 11:53 pm #62868
Hi james – what you describe sounds exactly like Stockholm Syndrome. Or trauma bonding. Perhaps it would be good for you to research those phenomenon. I think it is a normal reaction to horrible abuse, but still a condition that needs to be healed. It is the minds way of protecting a person from something overwhelmingly atrocious, and how I understand it, they feel love instead of the horror. Going No Contact like you are doing is perfect, because that way your mind will start to feel safe, and little by little will allow you to integrate the truth. It won’t do that if there is any contact. I understand that you do know the truth because you described it very well, but there are different levels of knowing. Your knowing the truth will start to penetrate deeper levels of your emotions and you will become more and more free of the trauma. In Cathy O’Brian’s book called “ PTSD – A Time To Heal “, she explains how writing out your memories will heal trauma, because it incorporates a different part of your brain. It is all explained in her book, which you might want to read. There is a whole back story about her experiences and the person who freed her mind had access to gov’t intelligence about their discoveries about mind control and how to extricate the mind as well. I think it would be a tremendous help to you if you wrote everything out when difficult feelings or memories arise. Anyway, that is my take on your situation. I know you will get through this. Keep posting because we are here to support you.
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