Still not over sociopath ex

[sept4]

Hello I’ve posted before in the past but not recently.

I separated from my sociopath husband in 2012 and divorced in 2015. He destroyed our marriage by extensive adultery with hookers and strippers, severe addictions to alcohol and drugs, and wasting huge amounts of money on his sex and drug addictions. When his secret life came to light he showed no remorse and no interest in changing. He is also a convicted felon and I believe he is still involved with the criminal underworld and shady business deals.

After a period of extreme confusion I eventually figured out that my ex likely has antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders and that I was manipulated and trauma bonded. It took me years to figure all this out and to extract myself from his web of lies and the cult like environment and brainwashing.

Everything is in the past now and all matters are finalized and we do not have any contact anymore. I have done extensive counseling and self help reading and self care and years have gone by. But I’m still not recovered. He is out of my life but not out of my head.

Even though I understand everything that happened I just can’t come to terms with it and reach peace and acceptance. Mainly I keep ruminating over settling the divorce under coercion on his terms and not being strong enough to fight for my rights in court. He destroyed my marriage and then forced me out of our business and destroyed my finances in the process. I would have had a good case legally but I was too controlled and too trauma bonded to stand up for myself. I never wanted revenge but I should have sought justice.

How can I finally let go and feel better? I just want to recover and be happy again. I feel like I took all the steps you are supposed to take for recovery but he still lives on in my head.

[Donna Andersen]

Sept4 – It’s good to “see” you again, although I’m sorry that you’re not feeling recovered.

You’ve actually identified the issue in your post – you want to feel better emotionally. It sounds to me like you’ve done all the intellectual work – learning about sociopaths, trauma bonding, etc. What remains is to do the emotional work. That’s where the real healing occurs.

The way you do that is to really allow yourself to feel the emotional pain of your experience.

You’ve probably done a fair amount of crying. But these wounds are very deep, and go back really far, so it takes a lot to access the buried pain. That means there is probably a lot more crying to do.

The best explanation of what I did is in my first book, Love Fraud. If you haven’t read it, you might want to. Or listen to it – I now have an audio book. I am the reader, so I get pretty choked up at times. Maybe this will help you to release your deep pain.

Love Fraud (ebook or hardcover)

[sept4]

Thank you Donna. Your website and videos have helped me so much. You are the best source I’ve found online. I wish there was general awareness on this topic. Although I do think it’s becoming more mainstream with young Tik Tok influencers discussing love bombing and red flags etc. Are you on Tik Tok? I think it would be a great way to educate the younger generation on sociopathy.

[polestar]

Hi sept4 –
I have actually been thinking about the issue that you have brought up. What I have been thinking is that there are actual steps that we go through in regards to a horrific relationship. The first is being in the relationship in the first place with all the chaos that ensues especially the love bombing that sets the stage for our emotional addiction in the first place. Then, if we are lucky, we start to see the truth past the denial, that things are so very abusive in so many ways. Then there is the whole ordeal of getting out of the relationship. You have mentioned all of this perfectly. And it is often not easy to get out or go No Contact – that is a huge hurdle that you overcame. Then comes getting our outside life back together. Then all these emotions come up from our days of denial which we were not able to process at that time, plus we often suffer from regrets that we didn’t handle everything as well as we “ should “ have. ( but remember what John Lennon said in one of his songs “ whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright “ ). We are not super human, and these sociopathic people can and do create so much havoc, pain and confusion, that anything at all that we can possibly do that is positive for our own highest well being is amazing. But anyway, now you are finally at the stage where you are able to deal with the buried emotions that are able to come up. All the trauma prevented it before, so it is a good sign that you are able to feel emotions even if they are painful and difficult. So Donna gave excellent advise what to do with this stage. The final stage of actually being able to move on, I have found from Robin Norwood’s( I think that is her last name ) book, “ Women Who Love Too Much “. You may or may not fit the profile of the person who repeats emotional issues through different relationships in order to resolve them, which usually began in dysfunctional family environments – but the beauty of her book is that she actually has a system that you can follow and put into practice to get free and your emotional health back. I highly recommend this program for you, and though you are not physically in the relationship, you are emotionally and psychologically and this is what you will get back your freedom from. It has helped me profoundly and perhaps after you have done the emotional work that Donna has recommended, you might want to check it out. I need to congratulate you on how very far you have already come !
Blessings to you

[sept4]

Thank you so much Polestar. I will look at this book. Thankfully this was my only dysfunctional relationship and the other relationships in my past and present were/are healthy and supportive. Just the one with literally Satan caught me unaware and unprepared. I think part of my obliviousness was because I did not come from a dysfunctional family or relationships so I did not recognize abuse as it was completely alien to me.

I actually think I have felt and processed a lot of the emotional pain. I went through years of extremely deep grieving as if grieving a death. My years of counseling were mainly focused on dealing with grief and deep emotional pain. I have gone very deeply into grief and barely survived the loss.

I am satisfied that I was eventually able to recognize the abuse and to extract myself from his evil dark twisted world and to escape his lies and research his disorders and end our marriage and cut all contact. I am proud of myself that I was able to escape that,

I think what is lingering now is the desire for justice. I always thought I did not need to seek justice because karma would take care of it. But of course there is no karma for the sociopath as they easily achieve all they want in life. I read Donna’s article on revenge and I think that is what I needed but it feels like my chance has passed as I am only now strong enough but now it is years too late.

[polestar]

Hi sept4 –
wow – that is truly wonderful that you did not have a recurring pattern of abuse in your life. I totally agree with you that you were blindsided ( I’m not sure of the exact term but you know what I mean ). There are definitely predators out there and the target has absolutely nothing to do with their pathology. And it does seem like you have gone through the grief process too. I can well understand your desire for justice. But unless you can actually accomplish something in that regard, then it is my opinion that you need to deal with those psychological issues that come up about it. I like Mira Kirshenbaum’s books ( I’ve read and reread 2 of hers many times – so helpful they have been to me.) But anyway, as I recall, what she has to say about this subject, is that a person can get into the trap of wanting to somehow get back at the person who has taken advantage of them in so many ways. But she says that it is a trap because it just keeps you tied to them all the more. And many people talk about moving on and all of that. And I kept agreeing but I never quite saw how to actually put those things into practice. That’s what I like so much about the women who love too much book. Robin actually has a method. For example – let’s say that there is no way that you could take your ex to court at this point and don’t see any way of getting recompensed financially. So you could put Robin’s steps into practice. So her first step is “ go for help “ and for you – how you could use this step – would be the minute your ex comes to mind, or the minute you feel aggravated about what happened, then you immediately go for help – call someone, read a self help book, research how other people have dealt with that kind of issue. Stuff like that. Kathy O’Brian would say to write it out. Then the next step is “ make your own recovery your first priority “ so that would mean for you that your own peace of mind would be more important than anything having to do with your ex. To realize that he already stole so much from you and that you will not allow that to continue – you will not allow him to steal away your happiness and lovings feelings in your heart that you deserve. So she has other steps and that was just an example about how you could use them in your situation. But anyway, again I Truly commend you for all that you have overcome and know that you are a true inspiration.
Blessings

[sept4]

Thank you so much Polestar.

Yes that is what I have been focusing on the past decade. Very deep emotional grieving, education about personality disorders, education about the dynamics of abuse, self care, recovery, healing.

That is what both counseling and all the literature online and books etc recommend: focus on yourself, education, self care, recovery. Everything both in counseling and reading materials advises to disregard any desire for justice but instead to let go and focus on your own healing.

After doing exactly that for a decade, focusing on understanding and recovery and healing, I’ve now started to realize that this push for recovery actually misses a crucial step and inadvertently keeps women small and powerless.

The overwhelming consensus of counseling/literature/education is to step 1) get out of the relationship and get to safety and then step 2) focus on your recovery. That is what I did but I actually think this is incorrect because it misses a fundamental step of victim empowerment.

The focus on immediate pursuit of recovery misses the critical and empowering step of pursuing justice. Skipping this step actually keeps women powerless by assuming the sociopath/abuser is so powerful that the victim should not even bother seeking justice but instead should just retreat and give up on justice and focus on recovery instead.

After following this for a decade I’ve now come up realize this advice actually keeps victims powerless. The better and empowering advice from counseling/literature/education should actually be three steps: 1) get out of the relationship and get to safety 2) SEEK JUSTICE by going to court and forcefully pursuing justice for financial damage and crimes and then AFTER that you can move one to step 3) emotional healing and recovery.

By redirecting victims to immediately focus on seeking justice in court, victims are empowered. Self care and healing and recovery should be the third focus, not the second. The pursuit of justice should come first and that will itself empower victims by showing them they are in fact equals to the sociopath/abuser and can pursue equal rights and justice in court.

Skipping this step and immediately directing the victim to focus on recovery actually keeps victims small and powerless. Recovery can come later. There is always time for recovery. The first and most important step after safety should be pursuing justice.

[Donna Andersen]

Sept4 – I’ve never agreed with the people who advise all targets of sociopaths to run away and not fight. I fought, and I am glad that I did.

However, it depends on the resources that a particular target has at the time. Some people are so beaten down that they simply do not have the money, health or strength. Luckily, my ex didn’t torment me emotionally and psychologically the way others have described, so I was able to fight for my interests in the divorce.

I won, but in the end it was only a moral victory. There was no money. I got nothing.

So I advise people to do an analysis of what is best FOR THEM. Do you have the strength to fight right now? Do you have the resources? Will standing up for yourself be important for your recovery? Or are you better off walking away from everything?

It sounds to me like you made the best decision you could for yourself at the time. Even if you had fought, there is not guarantee that justice would have prevailed. Sociopaths are really, really good in court. I’ve heard of plenty of cases where the judge believed everything the sociopath said, and refused to let the target even introduce evidence. Plenty of judges have been bought off. The sociopath is quite capable of dirty tricks in court.

So what if you had sought justice, and then he bribed the judge, and you lost everything anyway? On top of everything else, you’d owe your lawyers money. There could have been legal abuse on top of all the other abuse.

Please stop beating yourself up for the decision you made when you were traumatized.

Also, I don’t quite agree that sociopaths will not face karma. Usually they do. But it may not be the karma that you want. And you may never even find out what happened.

One last thing – I always tell people that there are 2 paths to recovery – fixing the practical issues of life after the sociopath, like financial stability, and emotional recovery. The key is both paths can be followed at the same time. There is no need to focus on survival first and then emotional recovery. Do them both. And each will support the other – emotional recovery helps you solve the practical problems of your situation, and solving the practical problems helps your emotional recovery.

[sept4]

Thank you so much Donna. You are the best.

[polestar]

Hi sept4 –
I am reading and trying to assimilate the wisdom from your post. I love the advise that Donna gave you too. Which was in support of your point about seeking justice as being important and that one does not preclude the other in terms of healing. I do need to add something to what Donna mentioned about and that in many cases the woman is just so emotionally devastated from the sociopath’s abuses, that she can barely even function doing normal everyday activities. Often, that is one of the sociopath’s intentions- to destroy completely the target’s ability to function in every aspect of their lives. Then perhaps if the woman ( target ) had the opportunity to seek legal justice but were not able to get it together to do so, then it would add more shame and heartache by regretting what they were not really able to do. Yet, as you mentioned, if they went for help, and the counselor of whatever type did not support their taking positive action for justice, then that counselor would be remiss. And I think you are pointing this out – that counselors especially if they are psychologists etc – are sorely lacking in that perspective. The woman who wrote “ Woman’s Reality “ did talk about this issue. I think she might have termed it intra- psychic vs extra-psychic. But the point that she makes is that psychotherapists often do not take into consideration the social environment and focus often exclusively on what is going on within the person’s emotions and thoughts etc. I think that is perhaps what you are also perceiving and I think it is true that that kind of approach can in the end be disempowering. Anyway, thanks for your post as it has really gotten me thinking along the line that you brought up and what you said will definitely help me broaden my perspective. Thank you so much for your post.
Blessings

[sept4]

Thank you Polestar.

Yes that is what happened to me. I had legal rights to the money he embezzled and the business that he stole. And I had the resources to hire a good lawyer. But my husband had so thoroughly manipulated and psychologically abused and trauma bonded me that I had completely lost my sense of self and my agency.

My mind was completely twisted and broken down. I felt that I was not even a real person, that I did not exist as a separate entity, that I existed only as an extension of him to serve him, and that I had no power and my legal rights were worthless against the king.

Obviously that was exactly how he saw me and I internalized that from his manipulation. And the people in his orbit, his family and friends and business associates and flying monkeys etc all saw me as powerless against the king also.

So from the sociopath and his circle of course that view is to be expected that I was nothing and powerless and my rights did not matter. We cannot expect anything better from a sociopath because that is fundamental to his world view.

HOWEVER that view of powerlessness and legal rights meaning nothing ALSO equally came from the healthy side. My counselors and all the literature online and literature in books and my friends and family etc ALL encouraged me to let it go and not seek justice but instead focus on emotional recovery. So from this healthy side they all mean very well with good intentions but it actually has the same result the sociopath wants. The victim being powerless and walking away and foregoing her legal rights. So while this advice is very well meant to protect the victim, it actually enables the sociopaths.

But I do also agree with Donna’s point that it always depends on the circumstances of the case and the resources of the victim.

[polestar]

Hi sept4 –
You articulated so well the space you were in at that time and the space that many many have also been. Those sociopaths are devastating. I am sorry that the ones who did wish for your highest good were not able to help you in a way that would have been more beneficial, in terms of your legal rights and supporting you in gaining justice. You may have mentioned it previously, but I was interested to know if there is anything that you can do currently regarding the past business or financial matters now ? Do you have any claims that you can pursue ? Can you somehow sue your ex in any way ? I feel your frustration at having the means to pursue what was yours at the time, but were so alone about knowing whether it was right to take a decision or action on your behalf and you were in psychic and emotional turmoil, and you had no support from anyone you looked to for help about standing up regarding your legal rights, but actually were discouraged from it. What you went through was so very hard. The whole thing. However, it all the more shows the kind of character you have – which is noble.
Blessings

[sept4]

Thank you so much Polestar!

No I do not believe at this point there is any legal recourse for restitution as this happened many years ago and all the paperwork was signed long ago.

However as Donna’s article on revenge mentioned maybe there could be a opportunity for another form of justice in the future if law enforcement ever contacts me. I know about many criminal schemes that he engaged in and he already has a criminal felony record. So perhaps one day an agency will contact me to inquire and I can speak the truth to someone who will believe me. That will still not get me any restitution but at least I will feel a sense of justice in speaking the truth about him when it matters.

But still I do wish there would be a change in how counselors and the literature online and in books etc approach this. It is critical that victims be empowered to take their abusers to court for financial abuse and any other crimes against them. It is far too common for counselors and literature etc to try to help the victims by advising them to go to yoga class instead of court.

This consensus focus on self care and recovery is well meant but keeps the victims powerless and the sociopaths powerful. This is why these sociopaths can always keep going on to a new victim. They are never held accountable. After they destroy a victim’s life the victim is encouraged by well meaning professionals to focus on self care so there is no accountability for the sociopath. And so the sociopath can just moonwalk away from the destruction and on to the next victim to destroy.

[polestar]

Sept4 –
Well said, well said ! I especially like your quote, “ It is far too common … to try to help the victims by advising them to go to yoga class instead of court “. I love how you said that, and in actuality it rings a strong bell for me !
Thanks so much for having your integrity shine.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

Sept4 – Considering the emotional and psychological state you were in at the time, would you have been able to go after him if you were advised to? If the guy was criminal, it would have been brutal. He probably would have threatened or bought off your attorney, your witnesses, your therapists and the judge. And if this were many years ago, very little information was available about the behavior of sociopaths. There’s a good chance no one would have understood what you were talking about.

I think you should cut yourself a break. You did the best you could at the time. But you’re blaming yourself for not fighting, when all the real blame belongs to your ex for what he did to you.

Please continue to release the pain of the situation. It goes very deep. You might want to check out or EFT Tapping webinars. They may help. Or anything that enables you to get in touch with and release the internal pain.

[sept4]

Thank you so much Donna.

No I was not in any psychologically sound condition to fight. I had essentially become mentally incapacitated by the manipulation and psychological abuse. I experienced myself as nothing, as nobody, as not a person, as having no separate existence or own property rights. I experienced myself as being his property in marriage and as having no legal rights or agency of my own. My mind was just all twisted and incapacitated from his psy ops.

Thank you so much for your advice. I do feel that I have done extensive grieving for the past decade. For years I went through deep emotional pain and grief over the loss of the marriage. I think I actually grieved too much. A decade of grieving has gone by and I don’t want to lose even more years to grief.

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