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Struggling to remain No Contact

This topic contains 18 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  allison123 3 months ago.

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  • #46442

    allison123
    Participant

    It’s now been 2 weeks since No Contact started.

    The relationship was a rollercoaster after the lovebombing (about 4 months into the relationship). The relationship lasted 2.5 years. Essentially I’ve heard everything from “F you and your family” to screaming at the top of her lungs while driving 90 miles an hour on the freeway. She emotionally cheated on me several times, maybe physically, and never sincerely apologized or tried to fix it. She has squeezed my head and said, “Sometimes you drive me crazy” but said she was joking.

    I’ve blacked out during arguments because they got so bad. I struggled to remember those events I mentioned. But by far the worst thing is her silence. Before I knew about her narcissistic/ sociopathic ways, I thought it was just a complicated relationship. We broke up in May, but decided to try to remain “friends”, which I now realize was just a tactic to keep me as a supply. Anyways, shortly after she yelled at me and cussed me out in public (in front of my company CEO), and then had the audacity to say I was making the situation about ME by being angry, I decided I could no longer see her. We basically stopped talking but would text maybe once a week.

    One day a few weeks she ghosted me. I texted her – nothing. Called – nothing. It drove me crazy. I felt like I was an addict – I was shaking. I decided to go see her in person and talk. She basically told me to get away, she didn’t want me, and slammed the door in my face. Then I heard her casually apologize to the person inside and chuckle, as if my pain was nothing to her.

    Three weeks later, she texted me the day after my birthday and said, “I hope you had a good birthday.” I said, “Thanks, I did.” The next day she texted me again and asked for a painting back that she made me. I told her I threw it away.

    It’s been 2 weeks since that last interaction happened. I have not heard from her and I have not reached out. But some days I miss so her bad it feels unbearable. I struggle with depression, which I usually manage with exercise, but this situation has made my depression a lot worse. On those days, it’s very hard not to reach out, but so far I have succeeded. I’ve been doing everything I can – joining new groups, exercising, distracting myself, seeing a therapist, but it’s still VERY hard some days…

    I just need some encouragement. Any advice for the hard days?

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  allison123.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  allison123.
  • #46455

    bigred
    Participant

    Allison123 – what you’re going through is a form of withdrawal. Believe it or not. I too have been struggling but my sanity and emotion health is more important to me than anything.

    You want to hear from this person because you believe the good in people outweighs the bad. But, like drugs, you become hooked. You have to decide to be healthy and the only way to become healthy is to:
    1. Accept that you were a puppet, pulled and pushed at their whim.
    2. Accept that you cannot change them, you can only change you.
    3. Love yourself

    Dig deep – the community is here to help.

    • #46462

      allison123
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your kind response.

      • #46522

        hadenuf
        Participant

        They truly are like a drug and not contacting them or engaging with them is sometimes like a physical drug withdrawal. Thank you for sharing your story- reading it makes me know that there are so many of us out there. Take care because you deserve it.

        • #46675

          allison123
          Participant

          Thank you Hadenuf! Best of luck with everything.

  • #46460

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Allison- keep it up

    • #46463

      allison123
      Participant

      Thank you! Doing my best.

  • #46465

    jaybird
    Participant

    Allison123,
    Take one day at a time. The cycle you described will repeat over an over if you don’t break free. It helps me to read this site as well as there have been several books. It helps to read about others experiences and see others respond. It also helps to ask for help sometimes.
    It’s been a year since I last split with “the ex”. He is still trying to reach me. It never stopped. What has changed is how I react to his attempts.
    Stay strong!!

    • #46676

      allison123
      Participant

      Jaybird, thanks so much for the response. I finally broke free from the cycle and I’m doing everything I can to avoid falling back into it. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve been through, but I’m trying to be strong.

  • #46467

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    allison123 – these relationships are highly addictive, and what you are experiencing is the addiction. You need to treat it like an addiction – get on the wagon and stay away from her. No Contact is the answer.

    There are several articles on Lovefraud about this — type “addicted to a sociopath” in the Google search box at the top of this column. You may also be interested in my webinar, “Why it’s so difficult to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recovery.” I address your situation precisely.

    Stay strong! Do this for yourself!

  • #46472

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Take it an hour at a time, a day at a time.

  • #46496

    slimone
    Participant

    allison123, It really takes TIME. And the time feels like it crawls by when you are feeling so bad. But, honestly, it’s like you just have to survive the seconds as they tick by, keep focused on your own life, do things that even though they don’t make you feel instantly better you know are the ‘right’ things for you to be doing.

    Right things are things that in no way harm you. They are being gentle with yourself, reading and learning, talking with a trusted therapist or friend, trying to eat and get enough sleep; paying attention to your life: finances, etc….

    It will feel like a total SLOG for a time, but if you maintain NO CONTACT (sorry for yelling it!) you will start to come out of the jittery, depressed, anxious space you are in.

    No amount of time will change her. But it will heal you, and help you get your life back. Go easy on yourself, and be especially kind in your thoughts toward yourself. Self forgiveness is huge.

    Slim One

    • #46508

      allison123
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your kind response. It’s a very confusing feeling to miss the person who hurt you for so long – I wish I could just stop caring. But I imagine time and no contact will heal me like you say. 🙂

    • #46528

      Sunnygal
      Participant

      very true.

  • #46572

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I don’t know if you have any experience with energy work, but if you find someone who does this, they can help you break the bonds you have with the sociopath (or anyone else you want to disconnect from energetically). I have had a number of energy healers help me throughout the years, and it has been very effective when I had a hard time letting go of disordered exes.

    • #46579

      allison123
      Participant

      Thanks for the advice! I’ve never looked into energy healing before but I’ll check it out.

  • #46583

    lorainefiore
    Participant

    I feel you so deeply and wish there was a quick fix for this addiction to them.I don’t know of one I’m sorry to say. When I went no contact I went into horrible withdrawals. It takes a LONG time and ALOT of self care and work on ourselves for our heart to catch up with what our mind knows. I felt like I needed to go to rehab because the withdrawals were so unbearable. I read ‘Attached’ and “Love Addiction by Pia Melody”, Then began googling Love Addiction rehabs. I found a couple of good places I inquired about in Calif and Arizona. I was desperate.I found lovetopivot.com and Lori-Jean Glass on YouTube. She had The Glass House in Northern Calif which used to be Five Sisters. I went to a 5 day Intensive with her. I was able to recognize my core wound clearly and many other things. Such a blessing!! They also do phone counseling which I did before I could afford to go to the Intensive. I was at a point I knew I could not bear another man like this in my life and was terrified I could not get over him and also that I would attract the same again if I ever did. I hope some of this helps. Please know that you are not alone, there are so many of us that suffer so painfully by the damage these relationship have on us. Be gentle on yourself, we are unknowing victims. Take good care…

    • #46678

      allison123
      Participant

      lorainefiore, thank you for sharing. It’s been an uphill battle to stay away for sure. She reached out again on Saturday and asked to get coffee. It’s very hard when you miss someone but KNOW who they are and what they’re capable of. I will look into those resources you mentioned.

  • #46614

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    take good care.

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