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Support Needed

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 1 month ago.

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  • #46667

    calliope
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I’m new here. My 3rd discard was about 6 months ago and I was doing really well until I discovered he had been cheating on me and is now married and expecting a baby with that woman. Everything he promised me including us activitly TTC. I’m now in my 40’s and after the first discard, I moved on and then he came back, made a huge mistake, promising he had changed and that he’d been in therapy, etc, etc. And I gave him a chance, only to waste more time with him.

    I am so angry with him and with myself. I’m doing what I should have done after the first discard, seeing a fertility specialist and considering my options. Having waited, my chances are slim given my age. And I know that is on me.

    How do I move on from this? I’ve been NC since the discard, aside from a message sent after I found out about the OW and of course he lied and said he hadn’t cheated (the proof is there, he’s just too stupid to realize it). Regardless, I went right back to NC, there’s no point. I know he is a terrible person and I know that I should see it as a blessing that I did not marry or have children with him. But I don’t. At least not yet….

    I know I’m mixing up the N drama and whether I will ever have a biological child. Right now though they are all mixed up in a giant ball of pain, and this idea that the OW got everything I ever wanted.

    If you have any words of wisdom or advice, I would be so appreciative. It’s hard to talk to some friends, because they are just like he was a complete douchbag to you, why do you even think about him, so I’m ashamed of that as well. Calliope

  • #46672

    allison123
    Participant

    Hi Calliope,

    Honestly…there’s no easy way through this. The whole situation of being discarded and seeing your ex seemingly “happy” is a huge ball of pain, and to add your confusion about a baby, and I imagine that’s heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you.

    My best advice is to keep remembering who he is. Keep remembering all the negative things he did. When I miss my ex, it helps me to look at my list of painful situations. I wasn’t happy in the relationship, but now I have a chance at a happy relationship one day with someone who respects me. Not now, because I’m not ready. But one day I will have the opportunity again and so will you.

    My next advice is to try your very best to separate him from the idea of a child. It seems like you’re wishing you had this other woman’s life…but please please remember he’s abusive. You don’t really want to spend the rest of your life with an abusive man, who may very well rub off on a child and abuse him/her as well.

    It does help me to remember that my ex would not have been a good parent. I’m afraid the cycle would have continued through my children. So please just do your best to keep looking forward. I’m proud of you!

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  allison123.
  • #46677

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Calliope – I understand exactly how you feel. I met my sociopathic ex when I was 40 – thought I would finally have my chance for a family – and then it all fell apart. Even though it is painful, count your blessings that you did not have a child with him. Chances are good that you would have had not only a disordered partner, but a disordered child as well.

    Right now the best thing you can do is process the emotional pain that you feel. Allow yourself to cry, scream, grieve. This is not pretty, and you should do it either alone or with the assistance of a therapist who understands what you’ve been through. (Not all of them do, so if you are not feeling supported, try another one.)

    Your objective is to release not only the pain of the experience, but any other pain that made you vulnerable to this man to begin with.

    We have lots of information here on Lovefraud that can help you. Search the articles and take a look at the webinars. you can get through this, and come out the other side better than ever.

  • #46720

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Keep healing.

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