This is consuming me – Im losing it

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Jan7 1 year, 5 months ago.

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  • #42172


    Sorry everyone, sitting here crying over my computer again….but hey, it stops me from cyberstalking! This site has really opened my eyes and helped me and Donna’s book has left me gob smacked with the accuracy.

    After a couple weeks of no contact – (he hasn’t attempted to contact me either). I am consumed with the plight for truth! Every minute of every day I am literally consumed because I want answers……but I KNOW THE TRUTH!!….Why am I doing this? I cry driving to work, I cry on my lunch break in the toilet, I cry driving home from work. Its taking over my life….I want it to stop. When will this stop? I can’t take anymore. This is not who I am……I find myself ignoring my patients and thinking about when I can log on and find more evidence…I am at a dangerous point in my life…He is even on dating sites…pictures of him? Why would someone do this when all you have given them is love and kindness. While I was with my dying sister overseas he sent me messages saying he wanted more from me and why does my son, family and career come first? Its just so hurtful…I was nursing a dying relative. Then he just stopped messaging and said he’d had enough? ENOUGH OF ME?!! How dare he…how dare he hurt a human being like that. I gave him my all…I put up with his lies and cheating and he convinced me…YES CONVINCED ME I WAS THE CRAZY ONE.

    I broke NC by cyberstalking! Found his phone bills….thousands of texts, pic messages he is sending…I even called the various numbers and ladies answered every number and I hung up….I knew a lady was going to answer…BUT STILL in the back of my mind I have thoughts like ‘maybe I’m wrong’…..I don’t want to believe this. Even after all the evidence I have (and I have lots – from years ago too) which he fooled me into believing his lies and stories that I was overreacting…… there is a part of me that is telling me ‘I am wrong’ but another part is telling me I am right!! Its CRAZY….

    I am so close to driving to his house and using the excuse that I need to collect my belongings that I left there….I just want to see for myself if there’s someone else there, or is there evidence that someone has been there?….its crazy. I would like my belongings back, but is it worth it?

    I just want to feel ‘normal’ again. I want these feelings to end. The grief is just unbearable. I look at my phone constantly thinking I missed a call from him, or maybe he will message me…WHY WOULD I WANT THAT IN MY LIFE?? I’m weak….I want to be the strong, vibrant woman I was that loved life and everything in her life….

    I know what I need to do….but its so consuming its taking over my mind….

  • #42185

    Donna Andersen

    Fairynurse – maybe it will help to know that obsession is a normal part of the recovery process after you’ve discovered profound betrayal. It is understandable that you want to know the truth. Maybe you even feel like you need more information before you can accept that the did what he did, even if you know in your heart that he did it.

    Here are some suggestions:

    1. Name it – what type of obsession is it?
    2. Own it – admit to yourself that you are obsessing.
    3. Take control of it. The key way to do this is to compartmentalize or set time limits. Only allow yourself to obsess during certain times or under certain circumstances. Outside of those times, find a way to distract yourself.

    Eventually the obsession will pass. Until then, do what you can to manage it.

  • #42188


    I absolutely understand you. This is what happens when you have to uncover the truth yourself. When others who know the truth and are covering for the psychopath don’t want to inform you. The wife of my psycho never wanted to talk to me after I provided all the evidence of his antics to her . The evidence was used for the divorce and criminal fraud case ( he forged the divorce papers and for a year pretended to be divorced while in a relationship with me ) . He got the wife pregnant while we were together. I discovered , searching the net that he was convicted of fraud and jailed for 3 months but NO ONE bothered to inform me .
    If you want I am happy to talk to you privately, I believe exchange of email addresses can be arranged with Donna.
    Just let me know if you are interested.

  • #42197


    Fairynurse, it’s normal what you are going through. I remember sobbing for hours till I thought I had no tears left to cry, only to sob for more hours. Then the anger stage hit (not normally an angry person) which for me was the worst stage of grief to go thru.

    You have been under his mind control. Not able to truly feel your feels & right now ALL of your feelings are percolating up at one time. It’s scary to feel all of them at one time. Our bodies & mind know how to sort everything out, so just feel the feelings.

    Come here like you did & vent. I did the same & so has everyone. You are not bothering us. We get it!! So keep venting.

    One thing most victims of a sociopath dont realize is most if not all victims suffer from PTSD. One of the biggest issues with PTSD (I feel) is Adrenal fatigue.

    The adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones. With continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands get out of whack and in return wreak havoc on our body & mind.

    Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue: racing mind, anxiety, panic attacks, brain fog, concentration issues, sleep issues, depressions, etc etc.

    The adrenal glands are a BIG DEAL and often over looked as the root of most health issues.

    Also what most people dont know is with any breakup the body releases larges amounts of cortisol. This causes us to not have a calm mind & sounds like you are suffering from this. With a relationship with a sociopath everyday the victim is releasing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline. I believe this is part of the reason why we all go thru that “need to know every damn bit of what they did to us behind our backs” (lol).

    Look at sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org to see the list of symptoms. On another site the site creator asked if victims had health issues during their relationship with a narcissist. 400 people respond “YES” and listed their symptoms they were ALL symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue.

    My doctor recognized that I was suffering from Adrenal fatigue after I left my h (now ex). Luck for me. He gave me Dr Wilsons adrenal vitamins 4 times a day & progesterone pills & within 4 hours my anxiety was half. With in weeks my mind was calm again.

    Dont beat yourself up for wanting to know everything he did but also dont ignore your gut. It’s telling you everything.


    Focus on your health. And keep venting here. It’s part of the healing steps to clear your mind so that you can have a few minutes or an hour of mind peace.

    Hugs to you!!💜

    Wishing you all the best.

  • #42206


    Fairynurse, when a lot of the pain and grief has come out, the obsession will start to fade. The unresolved grief and desire to comprehend what happened drives the obsession. I remember crying every evening driving home from work. I sobbed for many many hours over a period of months. Eventually, there was one last cry and I started moving on. You are not there yet, but you will be. It is difficult to wrap your mind around the sociopathic behavior because it is not the way you or I would behave. You will never really be able to understand it, no matter how hard you try. You do need to understand just enough to know how damaging and dangerous he is and that it’s a bad idea to keep any connection with him. So sorry you got involved with one of these slimeballs.

  • #42208


    I don’t know about you but my dilemma is not knowing who I should feel sorry for. One minute I feel sorry for myself, that I got hurt, lied to and misled. The next minute I feel sorry for him because I sense that he will never find inner peace and happiness. Then I feel sorry for his wife, who doesnt know fraction of his online doings, sex addition and even me. Then I get angry at myself that I did not act on that inner voice in the first few weeks telling me to run. How could I be so stupid? These swings are hard on me and although the crying has stopped finally, I still feel abandoned, cheated on and thrown away. You have to tell yourself that you are worth more than that – at least that’s what I tell myself. Music helps. Good lyrics like Southern Cross when he says that he is sailing for the “promise of tomorrow” helps me. I do have to get up in the morning and move on in hope of tomorrow being a better day. That pushes me and you will have to do the same. Live for the promise of tomorrow! I am confused and hurt but I am counting the days when I feel less and less of this pain and I am looking forward to the day when I realize that I haven’t thought of him all day. Yes, that is worth pushing forward for!

  • #42209


    I felt sorry for the sociopath I dated whom I turned into the army for fraud and adultery. They told me he was suicidal when they were investigating him. I almost withdrew my testimony. But sociopaths are so good at faking human emotions, that I came to my senses and realized it was manipulative ploy. I also felt sorry for his wife, but I never spoke to her. And then later I learned she knew he was at very least a pathological liar and chose to be with him anyway.

  • #42210


    Macus1529, DONT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!! Everything he did was to con you & others. It was all pity play manipulation, gas lighting, brain washing mind control etc to control everyone!!

    They know what they are doing to con people!! DONT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!

    For me there are major regrets 1) not listening to my gut 2) not running when I wanted to. Like you, I was saying to myself “I need to get away from him”. 3) wasted my years.

    You will get to the day that you will not even think about him. It just takes time to get there so be kind to yourself until that day.

    Stargazer as aways great post.

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