Thought I was finished with my psychopath until …

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  • #42187


    Well after fighting in court for 10 years, being awarded sole custody in two different courts, and being granted permission to move out of state I thought I could take a breath and relax and start to heal. My daughter, now 24, wants nothing to do with her father as she has figured him out on her own. She stopped all communication when she was 18. On the other hand, my son, who was 15 when we moved is another story. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. He was in therapy to help him deal with our divorce and his father’s abuse. ( some physical but mostly psychological). At one point the court did not allow visitation between the two of them for 2 years! No contact at all. When I asked the courts to relocate, they forced reunification between father and son. Even then, my son was guarded and spent 18 months in therapy with his father – where I was not allowed. This is when history and memories began to change as the therapist was not interested in the truth- only reunification. Even so, he told the judge all kids need 2 parents In their lives and said I should not be allowed to move. After working with my ex and seeing his manipulation and lies, the same therapist told the judge we should be allowed to move! What a day to celebrate. Finall, I thought my son would be free and could heal. However, after 2 months of supervised day and weekend visits, we moved. My ex was allowed per the court order to have phone contact with our son. Up until this time, his number was blocked by the phone company- as my son requested this so he did not get upset ever time his phone rang. Although there had been a no contact order we all know my ex still tried to contact our so – thus the blocked number until the judge revered that when we moved! My ex could visit our son 6 times a year at my expense. In 3 years, he only visited twice as he was unable to isolate and control him. But my son was forced to visit his father per the court order. Of course my ex tried to make it as unpleasant as possible by booking him on 5 am flights the day after Christmas for example, meaning my son and I had to get up at 2 am in order to make it to the airport in time for the flight. He told our son it was because he wanted to spend every minute possible with him, and afterall, he could sleep on the plane. Just one minor example. This went on for 3 years. My son started healing and leading a more normal life. He made friends in school, joined school clubs, was doing well academically, joined fb huge 350 member marching band. During the summer of 2016, he worked as a lifeguard at a local pool and also as a summer camp counselor. He wanted to buy a used truck. He told his father he only wanted to visit him for one week in the summer as he had commitments and was working. I think this is when my ex decided to rev things up. He couldn’t force our son to visit more than a week and he would never dream of praising him to having goals and a work ethic. I think this is when he started sceaming. He took it as rejection instead of a typical teenager trying to lead a normal life. So when my son visited him in December, things started to change. My son, now 17 came back and started talking to me about moving back with his father. I was shocked! He said his father needed to claim him on his income tax so he needed to be a resident – all so he could qualify for In state tuition for college. His father took him to a military college and they met with an admissions counselor. My son was told he could not attend if he was on medication such as Prozac. This is when my ex started brainwashing him that he did not need the medication. Over the next 6 months they bonded over the military, weapons, guns, etc. My ex took our son to marine corps events and they dressed exactly alike! What 17 year old boy wants to dress like his father? Same color shirt, blazer, tie, and pants! His father had been referring to him as his “mini-me or twin.” He dressed our son up in his old marine corps dress blues and filled his head with garbage like he would able to easily get woman when he wore that. He convinced him he needs to go into the marine corps, but needed to stop therapy and medication. This went on for months, via text messages, and calls without my knowledge. My son refused to take his medication in January of this year, telling me he was going to be 18 soon and I couldn’t force him. He refused to continue in therapy. His grades dropped. His attitude changed. He started being disrespectful to me and outright refused to listen to me or our house rules – including going to school. This all came to a head in May when I discovered what had been going on. I discovered over 200 text messages over a course of months where my ex had been brainwashing or alienating our son against me. He took him to Florida over spring break, without my knowledge. He provided him with access to women, alcohol, and motorcycles. My ex was inside a strip club sending our son videos of naked women and disgusting comments about their appearance. In May, my son had to have surgery for a kidney stone. When they were getting ready to wheel him into surgery, the nurse said to say our good byes. I reached over to hug him- no response. I kissed him on the check and he wiped it off. I told him I loved him, and he remained silent. That’s when I knew something was very very very wrong! We had always had a close bond and relationship! So, although I had promised him I would not read his cell phone, I was so worried about his well being that I was willing to take the risk of his anger so I could find out what was going on. Was he on drugs? Why was he out right rejecting me? That is when I found the text messages and pictures. He and his father bonded by demonizing me. My ex referred to me as “the warden” or “the bitch.” My son told his father he was stuck in hell with a bitch. He told him he hated me and couldn’t wait to move. My ex shared many inappropriate things about our marriage and of course made many things up too. He told our son that when he told me he loved me I would just stare at him. My son asked his father how he could stand living with me for 14 years and his response was “alcohol.” My ex told our son to provoke me and go to his room as I would follow him. Then he told him to call 911 and let the operator hear me yelling at him and to be sure to tell them he was afraid of me! My ex was trying to arrange it so my son would have me arrested! Yep- he provoked me! But that is not how I parent. He went to his room and I left him alone. I don’t bang on doors and yell through them- so this plan failed.

    On the day of the surgery when I found those messages I went into shock. It all started to make sense. After all , my ex told my son to stop taking his “f…ing” medicine and I was the one who was mental. So I was so hurt and in shock as soon as the doctor came out and told me my son was ok and in recovery I ran crying down the hospital hallway straight to my car. I called my mother in hysterics. My brother drive over to the hospital to help me. He wanted to bring me to the ER for treatment as I was so upset. I knew in my heart that my ex had permanently changed our son and had succeeded in alienating him against me! I could not even force myself to go back into the hospital to see my son. What kind of mother does that? One who is in shock and can’t cope! My brother took over for so I knew he would be cared for and was released later that day. He went to stay at my brother’s house for the next two weeks to finish out his junior year of high school. I met with him once and he was very angry with me for reading his phone and breaking his confidence. He had been in touch with his father who had convinced him I was the one that created this situation. My son told me he wanted to go and live with his father – so after 10 years of fighting and 2 years of normalcy followed by about a year of rebellion and increasingly disrespectful behavior I let my son go. I still can’t believe it. It’s been almost 4 months now and my heart still aches. My son returned on his 18 birthday and picked up his belongings and the truck I helped him buy and left to finish his senior year of high school at a new school where he knows no one. He spent the summer isolated and alone. No summer job, no friends, nothing but his father and stepmother. He just started his senior year with no section 504 plan in place as he had here. No support. No medication. No therapy. How is this going to work? I have had to detach for my own sanity. It’s something I work on every day! I get text messages from his old high school about upcoming senior events and it makes me so sad. I am grieving him, much like a death. It is the death of my hopes and dreams for my son. All of those years of advocating for him, bringing him to therapy, trying to be sure he had a sense of normalcy – all for nothing.

    I still don’t understand how my ex was able to alienate him. Once he had him hooked with the military, and the trip to Florida with the women, alcohol, and motocycles and without medication – I never stood a chance. Yes, I called a lawyer. I called 3 lawyers and they all said the same thing…since he is almost 18, the courts will do nothing. My ex knew that because he himself is a lawyer. He knew there would be no legal actions taken against him for breaking court orders and demonizing me to our soon. I even asked a lawyer if I should report him to the bar association and she said no, they would also do nothing. Unreal.

    My son only calls when he wants something. It was recently my birthday and he didn’t even remember. (We have a very close knit family and also make a big deal about holidays and special occasions.)

    His stepmother, whom I never used to speak to, has recently called me several times. She reports my son is having meltdowns and hurting himself and destroying property. She thinks he needs medication and therapy. My ex doesn’t agree. He told
    Her “timing is critical” and he doesn’t want to push it. Of course not! He doesn’t want our son anywhere near a therapist who might advise him to start therapy, medication, or to return home. The stepmother is in denial and can’t see what my ex is and comtinues to do.

    My heart is so broken. I struggle to get through each day as I worry about my son’s well being. I wonderful if he will ever remember the past and the real truth or if he will go through the rest of his life hating me and forgetting the abuse he suffered for years.

  • #42213

    Donna Andersen

    teachermom4788 – I am so sorry for you and your son. It is truly heartbreaking.

    Your ex is engaging in the same tactics that cult leaders use – love bombing (with money, women, etc) controlling everything, isolation. Actually, the fact that your son is now having meltdowns may be a good sign – a sign that he is not happy. I hope he gets to the point that he is unhappy enough to make a change.

    I suggest that you do everything you can to maintain communication with him. Keep your conversations light, but keep telling your son that you love him and you have his back. This will take a lot of self control on your part, because you want to scoop him up and bring him home. But he is 18 now, so it must be his decision.

  • #42228


    What a nightmare! I’m so sorry you & your son have suffered so much at the hands of this evil sociopath.

    For your son’s PTSD look into Adrenal Fatigue. Sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal Fatigue. org have great videos & info. Look at symptoms on both sites & also do a search on their sites for “toxic relationships”. I believe from my own experiences of suffering from PTSD that the root issue is Adrenal fatigue.

    Also look at the site One moms battle & their facebook page. If you choose to chat on their fb page open a fake email & then a fake Facebook page to chat so your ex does not see anything you chat about.

    Wishing you & your family all the best.

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