Together for 10 years been living a double life for the last 2

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 10 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #42886


    When I met my ex I was not in a place to be in a relationship after having been cheated on by someone else, but he told me he’d wait because I was worth it. He swore to to me and every day since that he would never do anything to hurt me. We started dating and as the years went by I never knew I could be so happy. I had finally and completely let my walls down and let him in my heart. We had so much fun together and a deep rooted love for one another. We had so much in common and so many connections prior to dating that everyone, including us, thought it was destined for us to be together. Due to my own insecurities and family issues, we did not officially live together until 2 years ago. I had noticed some changes in him; random outbursts, loss of intimacy, cold and callus demeanor, but I associated it with him being in a very competitive PhD program. There were days he didn’t come home because of projects or having to work overnight at the hospital. He had always included me in his work life, but this time kept me away. When I discovered a small shirt in the laundry I panicked and then found he had deleted and blocked me on his Facebook. When he came home that night, it was WWIII and somehow I was left feeling guilty for my suspicions and suddenly was back on his Facebook. His reactions to my fear of infidelity were so outrageous and made me feel like I was crazy. Eventually things calmed down and everything went back to normal. He said he couldn’t handle my drama on top of everything else going on. Finally, he said he was deleting his Facebook account and any other social media because of the nature of his profession. I didn’t think anything of it since he had assured me before he had nothing to hide. So I did whatever I could to ease his stress, but I was going through my own career crisis as well. I realized that I needed to move from SoFl to NY to truly pursue my acting career. He hates the idea of me moving because he couldn’t leave until he finished the program. An opportunity has come along that I couldn’t pass and we decided that I would go get settled and he’d come up for his internship year. When I finally did move in August 2016, we spoke all the time; Constant texts and calls. I missed him terribly and would talk about our future together often. “This was just a speed bump” he would say and how proud he was of me finally pursuing my own dreams. But suddenly texts were not going through phone calls were going straight to voicemail and eventually he gave me a different number to text him claiming it’s his work number. He didn’t match in NY, but at a hospital in Florida. We knew this was a risk, but continued with long distance. We’d been together 9years already and figured we’d make it through this. Communication became increasingly less and less which broke my heart. The handful of times he actually came to see me were so short and he seemed so disinterested. He said it was the internship program making him so miserable. I would feel incredibly guilty for putting added pressure on him. We would argue and his response would be “if you’re unhappy then leave”. He would tell me he doesn’t want this to end and that I need to be more understanding. This year we celebrated our 10 year anniversary in May and money being tight for both of us we didn’t do anything elaborate. He only had a limited amount of time, but came to the city and we just spend the day together. It killed me every time he had to leave to back to Florida. I had already started the nesting process in NY so that when he finished intern year we would have a nice little set up. We would talk about getting married and how much we love each other. I had a race in Orlando the first weekend of November and managed to get two weeks off from work so that I could spend time with him and see my family as well. I took my mother to my half marathon and to Disney to spend some time with her, but when I went onto my account to get tickets I noticed his name and the name of a girl he told me was his friend’s girlfriend. When I asked about he said he helped her surprise her boyfriend for his birthday a while back. Suddenly, I had this terrible feeling in my gut something was wrong and when I went back into the account everything had been deleted. Still paranoid when I returned to SoFl, I remembered seeing her name on our amazon account once last year. So I went online and found more things; I confronted him and once again a huge fight started and he tried to break up with me saying that he would never cheat and my insecurities are causing him so much stress he can’t deal with me anymore. The whole day was a fight, but we agreed to have dinner then next night and he gave me an ultimatum and said I need to get help for this. Still feeling terrible I agreed to drop it, but the next day my family was having an early thanksgiving dinner party for me and he came when he got out of work. He seemed exhausted and distant. The next day we spend all day together; driving around, having lunch, talking, and I finally pulled out some notes that I had made about what I felt we should be doing in a LDR, my fears of infidelity from the facts I had, and a vow that if he wants to continue I would stand by his side no matter what. He seemed visibility upset by what I was ready and exclaimed how much he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and move to NY to be with me. He then said he really thinks that we should see a counselor to help with his stress and my insecurities. That night I felt so much better and couldn’t wait to see him the next day. In the morning, he said he had to run to work to do some paperwork and that he’d see me as soon as he finished. While watching a movie with my mom, that weird painful gut feeling came back and this time I found her number. It took all my strength to call it. She told me she had been dating my boyfriend for over two years, had no idea who I was, or that we had been together so long. She said he practically was living with her and when I said he told me he was at work right now she began screaming at him in the background. I could hear his voice calling me his crazy ex girlfriend. I didn’t know I could feel so broken. He never even had to courage to face me afterwords. He sent me a text saying how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me. Something is wrong with him, that he needs help and his therapist said he may have antisocial personality disorder. That I deserve to be with someone who can love me because he can’t even love himself. More evidence has come since this happened last week and I have been utterly devastated, but in spite of everything he’s done I still love him. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could hate him and say I don’t want him back, but I would be lying. I want the man I fell in love with and now I’m starting to see he never existed in the first place. I feel like my soul is missing and wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust let alone love someone ever again.

  • #42893

    Donna Andersen

    tbmiller85 – I am so sorry for you. Of course it is so painful, and if this just happened, it is still very raw.

    He told you that his therapist said he has antisocial personality disorder – believe him. Understand that there is no treatment for the disorder, and he will continue to lie and cheat as long as he lives.

    You may have legitimately fallen in love with him, but he cannot love you. The best thing you can do is have No Contact with him. The longer you stay away, the more your feelings will dissipate.

    Do not call him. At this point, you need to work on your emotional healing. Allow yourself to feel and process the pain. The only way out of the pain is through it.

    But be sure to be gentle with yourself as well. Your intentions were honorable. He is incapable of being honorable.

  • #42900


    tbmiller85 – I am so sorry to hear of your pain but please know you are not alone. I am now experiencing the same feelings and have recently found out that my soul mate and the man I thought I was to marry is also living a double life. We were together for 3 years. The first year was like a fairytale. Second year he started becoming overly controlling and both physically and emotionally abusive. This past year has been hell. He convinced me I was crazy and I should seek help. I started searching for answers online and found that I have been dating a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath with a severe sex addiction.

    Like you…I still loved him. This has been the most difficult to swallow, how could I love such a evil monster?

    Just several weeks ago I learned of his double life. Confirmation!! I watched him type his passcode on his phone, waited for him to fall asleep and broke into his phone that he has always kept so close to him at all times.

    I found texts and pictures that were so devastating I could barley keep my hands steady and my body from trembling. I contacted the girl but of course he had already convinced her I was the crazy ex. Eventually she contacted me a week later because he started his discard process with her and she was hurt and upset. What she told me was so devastating I could not cope the next several days.

    She told him she was Bi-sexual on their first date…and oh boy he had hit the jackpot…They would then frequent gay bars in search for a man for him. He had confided in her about his sexuality and how he visits gay bars searching for men often never thinking we would eventually speak.

    In spite of all this he begged me to take him back, calling and showing up at my house. It has been a month, I’ve tried no contact and have given in to him. Right now, I have him blocked but only because yesterday morning he sent me this text:

    Going to the casino..I’m only spending 200..OK text you after…Babe. Just cut me some slack for a bit…I want you!! I need to get myself on track!..Bottom line is…Like you said!! We know we both love each other!!! I’m not going anywhere in life with out you!! Give me a little time.. Don’t be on my back just yet!! Soon enuf Ill surrender everything to you…An you’ll trust me again… Once I’m back in. You will!!! I need a little time.. Love you!!!!

    Later that night he called me while I was out at a birthday party, I answered and he was crying sobbing how much he messed up and loves me, needs me, etc. I never asked him where he was but then while texting me after we hung up it only took moments for me to say the wrong thing before he started swearing at me and then BAM he sent me 2 videos of a girl and one text I read quickly, “I told her to stick out her tongue for me”. I was like WTF – am I just as crazy for putting up with this BS!!?

    So now I am in NC and on this forum so I can connect with others like me so I can remain strong and move on with my life like you can!!

    Stay strong!! If you need to talk I am here!

  • #42951


    tbmiller- Sorry for your loss but good to know the truth of his disorder.

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