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Trying to recover after being discarded

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Donna Andersen 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #44781

    cnd73
    Participant

    I am going on week 2 of being discarded, I was with my N for almost 3 years. After the constant cheating and verbal abuse it is now over and I am devastated, but he isn’t. So here are the details of the last blow up. He left to pick up his daughter fromm the mother’s house. While he was gone, his table kept buzzing. I picked it up and there it was. Him and the kids mother were telling each other they loved each other and they couldn’t wait to be together and wake up with each other every morning. Now with his other discretions I would think oh they were nobody’s. And he would tell me they were just friends and he would only text them sexual messages but nothing ever happened. But this time was different. He told her he loved her and they had made plans. I packed his bags while he was gone and then I called him to let him know I saw their messages and it was over. He then came back to our home that we shared with his daughter. It ended up him punching me in the face in front of his daughter and pushing me down some stairs. All the while she is texting me nasty messages. I called the police and he was arrested. The mother then text me “Thanks for traumatizing her daughter”. So when he got out of jail, he immediately moved in with her. I feel like a fool. Whenever I would catch him texting other women, he always turned the blame on me. He told me I shouldn’t be snooping, and I am trying to control him! And everytime I fell for it. Now that he is gone and back with her, here I am devastated and lonely. The extra sad part is, that I would probably take him back if he asked. I want to get to a point where that thought wouldn’t even cross my mind. I am depressed and keep thinking how he could be so evil to me and how happy they are and how sad I am. I’m trying to find a reasonably priced therapist in the mean time to try and help me through this. My heart hurts right now, and I can’t get it to stop.

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  cnd73.
  • #44786

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    cnd73 – I am so sorry for your experience. I can tell you that the behavior you describe is sociopathic. Everything is right out of the sociopath playbook – the cheating, then blaming you for finding out about the cheating, accusing you of trying to control him (because he’s cheating!!)! Yes – he is a sociopath.

    Also, the “other family” may look happy now, but sooner or later it will fall apart for them also. Relationships with a sociopath always fall apart. So don’t think that they will be happy while you are sad. Eventually the other woman will be miserable also.

    We have a lot of information here on Lovefraud that will help you. You also might want to check out our webinars. Quite a few are available now. Plus I’m creating a new one called, “Why it’s so hard to get over loving a sociopath and how you can recover.” I will be presenting it in 3-4 weeks. Sign up for our emails if you want to be notified.

  • #44788

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Cnd73, sending you hugs! 💜

    I want you to know:

    The best thing that ever happened to you…is this sociopath discarding you!

    The second best thing that every happened to you…is this sociopath moving in with this other woman!

    Why? Because:

    YOU ARE FREE FROM HIS DAILY ABUSE!!

    YOU ARE FREE FROM HIS ABUSIVE MIND GAMES!!

    (read those two statements again)

    I know, right now, you are in so much emotional & mentally pain. I know, right now, you have probably have been curled up in a fetal position sobbing endless….been there too…and it is an awful experience. 😟

    But, with time, you will realize that you finding out that he was cheating , discard you, & finding Love fraud all are healing steps is a peaceful & calm life!

    YES, loneliness is one of the worst feelings after a sociopath leaves us…but, if you look back, in the relationship with the sociopath, you will realize you were more lonely with him, then you are now by yourself. Think about that, think about your loneliness in your relationship with him.

    During the painful loneliness stage for me after leaving I read a quote…

    “You are never alone, your angels are always with you”.😇

    That quote that moment, being so lonely, helped me put my prospective back in the right direction. After reading that quote, I listed my Angels in my mind…All my grandparents that had passed, an Aunt who had passed, My great grandparents (one I only met) etc. I felt at the moment that I was not alone. That they were surrounding me with love. That it was only a mindset of feeling alone.

    I promise you this, with time, you will be thankful for your “alone” time. You will enjoy your own company once again.

    With a sociopath, they manipulate us so much with their abusive words, that we feel we cant do anything on our own. This is not true! I bet, you were a strong person before him, that you enjoyed your own company, that you have goals, maybe hobbies, met friends out etc. So with time you will do these things again. And with time you will not feel lonely. I know this, for myself. After crawling out of a marriage I was lost…he had manipulated my mind so much, that I did not have “a direct”…I had lost who I was. I’m guessing this happened to you too.

    When you have a break up, your body produces larges amounts of cortisol & adrenaline. This is what is causing your anxiety & depression.

    Look into the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. look at sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal Fatigue .org. Most victims (if not all) have PTSD when leaving a abusive relationship. I believe that the root issue physically of PTSD is Adrenal fatigue.

    You should be so proud of yourself for having the gumption to kick this evil manipulative cunning sociopath out of your house!! BRAVO…you must laugh a little now at how his face looked when he had to pick up his suitcases 😜 = YOU TOOK YOUR POWER BACK FROM HIM BY KICKING HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE & YOUR LIFE!!!! 👏💪

    You have made amazing steps out of this abusive relationship!!

    Kicked him to the curb!

    Researched his horrible traits which lead you to this wonderful site Lovefraud!

    Had the courage to post your post today!

    BRAVO hon BRAVO!!

    Keep reading everything here at Lovefruad. Donna’s site is EXCELLENT…read everything & analysis with your relationship, Sunnygal moves up posted daily, watch the videos up at the top of LF, and also do a search on Mary Ann Glenn and her video on “confusion” and also she has free internet group counseling that would be worth your time.

    In addition most counselors will do a “SLIDING SCALE” payment…meaning they will lower their rates to adjust to what you can pay. Just ask them.

    Look into your local abuse center to for free woman group meetings & counseling. Plus Look up at the top of LF under “Contact” then “Personal consultation” which might help you also.

    Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath is excellent and you might want to purchase it so that it will help you to understand what you endured & also for avoiding guys like this in your future.

    We hear you!! We believe you!! You are not alone hon…keep posting here love fraud.

    Wishing you all the best.

  • #44796

    thirdtimelucky
    Participant

    Dear cnd73,
    First of all, virtual hugs and support to you. Thank you for sharing your story. As Donna has said in her reply, there is a lot of information on the site that will be useful.
    What you are describing is, sadly, common. I was in a relationship with sociopath for 4 years, he love bombed me, proposed, was trying to move in – and all this time he was married to someone else for 18 years (and as it became clear, was planning to either to commit bigamy or use the engagement to hold me tied to him). When we broke up, he accused me of low sexual morals and sleeping with married me. He also called me a narcissist. This is what they do – when they accuse or blame you, they are talking to themselves about themselves.
    Re him getting back together with his ex – again, this is common. They “hoover” (google “hoovering for some excellent articles). They will always paint an ex in the worst possible light to their new target. But keep exes close so that they can go back to them if they need extra supply (sex, money, attention, social perception). In my case, for the first 3 years all I’ve heard about was a “nutty” mother of his daughter with whom he had no contact for 22 years. When they resume contact (which was weird in itself), they were catching up behind my back. I am sure they slept together (though it was denied). In his final discard email this woman was described practically as a saint.
    Whilst you are waiting for a therapist, it may be helpful to write your thoughts on paper, write emails to yourself saying all the things you would like to say to him. But please don’t send.
    But the first thing to do is go no contact – it is not easy. It is tempting to break it. But in the long term it is the only way to break the toxic bond. There are a lot of articles on Love Fraud on “No Contact”.
    Good luck!

  • #44799

    slimone
    Participant

    cnd…This is a brutal part of the experience with these sorts. When the curtain truly comes down, we take off our rose colored glasses, and we can ‘see the show’ for what it really is. A complete sham.

    This does not mean your love was a sham. It means his acceptance of your love, and his loving you back….THAT was a total sham.

    So now you have to come to concrete terms with his total lack of ability to love, to be honest, and come to closure with you; while you grieve the loss of what you ‘thought’ you had.

    Though it will sound like I am offering spiders web, instead of a rescue rope, with which to pull yourself out of this.

    My advice is non-the-less the same: Go NO CONTACT. Pull the plug on ALL contact. It is the best way to keep yourself from getting re-engaged, and further brutalized. AND, be KIND TO YOURSELF. Treat yourself with love, kindness, RESPECT. Your healing will be accelerated if you refuse to degrade yourself.

    Degrading ourselves is inviting more abuse. It is not allowing ourselves rest, food, friendships, movement, and support. So be sure to treat yourself as a GOOD person.

    You were targeted, fooled, abused, and dumped. But that does not mean YOU are not a good and decent person. It means he is. Don’t get confused on this matter. You did not do anything to deserve this treatment, and it is a reflection of his total lack of character that he lied to and betrayed you.

  • #44802

    cnd73
    Participant

    Thank you for the kind words. I know it’s going to take time. I just wish I could get some sleep or eat a meal. Stop with the crying. I know he’s not doing any of these things. He went on his merry way. I’m still in search other a therapist. I think I found one. I have gone No Contact and he hasn’t attempted to contact. I changed the locks, changed my phone number and filed a restraining order. I find this part extra pathetic and I am sorry for being so pathetic, but it bothers me that he hasn’t tried. What’s wrong with me!!!!!

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  cnd73.
  • #44804

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    cnd73 – you took important measures to get him out of your life – bravo for you!

    I know it’s debilitating, but crying is necessary, and in the long run, healing. Crying is how you process the pain, and that is the object of the exercise – getting rid of all the accumulated pain you have been carrying around (we all have it).

    It’s only been 2 weeks, so everything is still very raw for you. The road is going to be bumpy for awhile. Just keep going forward. It will get better.

  • #44821

    slimone
    Participant

    cnd73,

    Hang in there. It definitely takes time before you feel like a normal person, can eat, and get a solid 8 hrs of sleep. When we are deeply betrayed it is a huge shock to our psyche, and our body. We get pumped up on cortisol and adrenal. We lack oxytocin and the more calming neurotransmitters. So it is normal to feel kinda ‘jacked up’, even though it is obviously miserable.

    So keep in mind when we cannot get enough sleep and nourishment we feel more unsettled and vulnerable. This is the part where you really have to weather the storm. Like in the old timey movies you have to tie yourself to the mast of the ship and ride it out.

    It will pass. Bit by bit you will come back to yourself. Each time you do your appetite will improve. More hours of sleep will come. You will feel more in charge. But be gentle with yourself, it is NORMAL for it to take more time than you want (or even think you have!).

    ((hug)) Slim

  • #44823

    cnd73
    Participant

    Thank you so much. These kind words help. Who knew it would be so hard to find a therapist. I’m looking daily but the hours don’t work or it’s expensive.

  • #44830

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    cnd73 – it is very hard to find a therapist who understand what happens in these relationships. About half of them are clueless. There are a few people in the Lovefraud Resources guide who offer telephone consultations. Plus Mary Ann Glynn runs a free online support group. Both may help.

    Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, to host free virtual support group April 8th at 5 pm EST

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