Unsupervised visits with children

[zkr4ze9Participant]

Hi! Everyone, I wanted to see if I could get some advice on this topic. I just found out thathat my ex-husband who is a sociopath will be having unsupervised visits with my children. How do I deal with this?

[alwaysadvocatingParticipant]

I’m so sorry to hear this! I too have a to allow my ex unsupervised visitation with my children, it’s been a struggle. The only thing you can really do is do your best to be a great parent, use positive reinforcement, and increase your children’s resilience…we have to show them another way. My therapist worked with me for a long time to get me to stop wasting my energy trying to control situations that I do not have control over & instead focus my energy on controlling the situations that I do have control over (such as my own parenting & time with my children.) If you haven’t already, I highly suggest looking into a therapist for yourself that specializes in trauma & abuse and another therapist for your children. I also took an amazing class called “Circle Of Security” & going to take “parenting With love & logic.” Also, check into Parent child interaction therapy (P.C.I.T), this is for younger children but there are other similar therapies with the same concept for older children. I was lucky enough to find a local agency called, A.W.A.R.E. that did in home visits with our family and one on one visits with my children aside from our actual therapists. Just do your best to keep your childrens lives as structured & consistent as possible, work on pride skills & positive reinforcement (I learned through
pcit) to build up and keep a close bond with ythem. See what your community has to offer in terms of support, keep digging for resources and use them (many of them may be low cost or free.) As for dealing with your ex, remember to respond but not react.Document everything, I suggest communicating via text or email so its documented. Keep all communication short, to the point, & never respond with any emotion. If you must respond, respond to your only to what’s in regard to your children & to only what is necessary (they may try to ask things they know the answer to etc just to keep the door to communication open.) These people extract and exploit our vulnerabilities (along with everyone elses.) They do not think like us or have morals (so aside from what society says is valuable) they rely on us to either tell them or show them (via our emotional reaction.) Everything they say or do is to take our power from us by provoking an emotional reaction from us because it’s what supplies them and makes them feel powerful. They have to find vulnerabilities to target so they can hijack our emotional state & keep power and control over us. Though they are highly manipulative, they are also easily manipulated. This is hard but we have to pretend that anything of value or importance to us is what we value least in order to deflect the predator from it. Love fraud has a great article on going gray rock with sociopaths that I highly recommend to anyone dealing with an emotional manipulator (especially when children are involved.) If you have yet to check out that article, definitely do so. I’m also happy to share other links that have been helpful for me if you need. I hope this makes some sense, I’m using a mobile device so I can’t see everything I’ve typed out. Sending you peace, love, & light ♡ stay strong, join local support groups or support groups on fb if you need additional support. I can also recommend some if you’d like ♡

[zkr4ze9Participant]

Thank you so much for the reply! I really appreciate it. Yes if you provide the links and any resources that would help so much. It’s been really hard and the unsupervised visits haven’t happened yet but I know that it will be very very very hard for me because the kids are the ones who will be suffering and having to see my ex. I love my children so much! It’s so nice to talk to a person whose gone through the same situation. I think all of us girls need to stick together.

[alwaysadvocatingParticipant]

I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I highly suggest you learn about narcissistic abuse (if you haven’t already) in order to understand more about what you went through and that type of person. I always start people with this link https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJr5eXvb4rG_F-68lw4TK4T
I suggest checking out their entire channel as well. I have so much more information to share, I’ll see if I can find some of the more specific ones to do with attempting to Copa rent with an exploitative person, etc. I love this link from love fraud for parents especially: https://lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Basically, we have to pretend whats most valuable to us is least valueable, even trying to detour them with a decoy “vulnerability.” These people extract and exploit the vulnerabilitit’s of others. They don’t think or frrl like we do, they don’t have our morals so they rely on us to either tell them or show them based on our emotional reaction. They’ve spent the entire relationship gauging our reactions so they know how we’re going to react to what. Do your best not to allow him to provoke any emotional reaction from you because it signals to him he’s found a vulnerability and he will target it. You can kick scream, whatever, just not in front of him or where he could hear it or hear about it from someone else (including children.) If you are on fb, I suggest joining some support groups such as Thrive After Abuse’s. There are others such as Narcissistic support, narcissistic survivor support, & so on. I’m on a couple quite a bit and regularly reach out to others. Another think to look into is HG Tudor on YouTube, his channel is knowing the narcissist (the good videos may be further down on his list as the first ones were attempting to promote his books.) HG is a diagnosed narcissist & sociopath, he has a blog called knowingthenarcissist.Com as well. I know he had a few parenting ones on his youtube channel, it’s triggering but it helped. As I said, I’ll look for more information to comment on your thread on how to deal with coparenting with that type of individual. Hope this helped some, I have a terrible time commenting on here with a mobile device.

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