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Was I dating a Psychopath?

This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  starryeyed 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #46938

    starryeyed
    Participant

    I was in a four month long distance relationship with a guy who seemed perfect. He was charming, educated, always said the right things to me. He constantly called and texted me. We even visited each other as we stayed in different cities. The thing is he gave me so much attention that I was being love bombed from the start. I recall asking myself a week into knowing him if all this was too good to be true.

    He mirrored me, told me we had so much in common and we had a strong and special connection. He said it was like God just wanted us to meet. He said he wanted to marry me and could see a future with me.

    Here is where the problem started. His stories never added up, and he was constantly lying. He lied about anything and everything. Also, he was impulsive and careless. He was possessive and jealous too. He kept in touch with me throughout the day, and when I would go out with friends, he’d call and check up on me constantly. I assumed that, he was caring and concerned about me.
    He also tried to gaslight me on a few occasions, which was so confusing. I’d think something is wrong with him or me, and why is he intentionally trying to drive me crazy.

    Two months into knowing him, he revealed to me that he had cancer in the past. Whenever I asked him details about when he had been diagnosed and asked him information about his treatment etc, he never gave me clarity. His versions kept changing. He said he couldn’t remember and he didn’t want to remember that phase.
    He had strained relations with some of his friends and family members too.

    Although he said he was an emotional person, I never saw an emotional side to him. Now, I’m an empath, and when he told me about his health issues I remember I was devastated and was crying for a couple of days. I couldn’t eat, sleep and I couldn’t concentrate as I’ve lost a loved one to cancer in the past.

    I remember him laughing at tragic things. I found it so odd. Once I told him how I had had a bad fall down the stairs and hurt myself, and he started laughing. I recall telling him how a friend of mine had had a terrible accident, and got saved thanks to the airbag in the car. But the car was totally damaged and he started laughing. It was strange.

    Anyway, I asked him to send me his all his treatment reports from the past, as I wanted to show them to my doctor. I deeply cared about him, and wanted to take all the necessary steps before having a future with him.
    After weeks, he sent me just a one page report, and on getting that checked, I realised he had sent me a fake report. He didn’t send me anything else, apart from that. I didn’t reveal to him that I had got it checked already and kept mum. I wanted to see what he would do next. Would he send me more reports?
    The following few days he seemed distant. He said he was stressed as there was a lot going on in his life. After that, I got no messages, no phone calls, nothing!
    I was ghosted.
    I just can’t understand why would he lie about having cancer in the past? Why?

    Was I dating a Psychopath?

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  starryeyed.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  starryeyed.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  starryeyed.
  • #46942

    Healing_April
    Participant

    Yes dear friend…and abrupt ending is usually a sign that your partner is unable to attach in a normal way…therefore likely a sociopath. Also the pity play is suspect. I’m so sorry…I’m in the same boat and mine was also a 4 month relationship. Your love and personality are BEAUTIFUL and that’s what attracted them BUT he can’s keep up the act beyond a certain point because you are amazing and he is not…..He is quietly slipping out so you don’t figure that out….or because – not bonding= they get bored and move on to other people.

    This is no reflection of your desirability, beauty, charm, personality or lovability. This would be the exact same script for any human being on the planet. They want to be and feel what you are/do but CAN NOT. It is a blessing in disguise when they leave…although agonizing to endure…but you will survive and hopefully the next person will be authenic and not wearing a mask of lies.

    Its not your fault though. And you’re amazing .

    • #46943

      starryeyed
      Participant

      Thank you Healing_April for your insight. I can’t help but think about all those conversations we had.. And how could a person who seemed so loving and caring just suddenly disappeared from my life.

      And now that I go into flashback, I recall how within a few days of knowing him, he told me that his ex had cheated on him. I felt so sorry for him.

      He even came down and met my family. He said he wanted to get their approval. He was moving very fast, planning the future etc.
      And he didn’t even have the courtesy to end things properly. I just wish he had the decency to at least send me a text and end things, rather than ghosting me.

      His constant lying definitely hurt me. And when I realised he faked cancer it messed up my head all the more. To make things worst, he didn’t even give me closure. I never in my dreams imagined he could do something like this.

  • #46952

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Starryeyed – I am so sorry for your experience. Yes, the guy is a complete sociopath.

    Someone like him could be the hardest type of sociopath to understand, because there seemed to be no reason for the lies. The truth is that some sociopaths lie just for the fun of it!

    He ghosted you – so just let him go. In fact, block him. The best thing you can do is put him out of your life.

    • #46953

      starryeyed
      Participant

      Thank you Donna for your feedback.

  • #46964

    Redwald
    Participant

    Hi starryeyed,

    I’d say your judgment is right on the mark. I think this guy was indeed a psychopath. While I’ve no doubt it was disconcerting (to say the least) to be “ghosted” this way, it’s a blessing in the long run that you’re rid of him and didn’t get entangled with him any worse than you did.

    And congratulations for not being entirely “taken in”! Oh, I realize you must have been “taken in” to some extent. But you did spot major “red flags,” and besides, checking up is always a wise thing to do, to stay grounded in reality. I’m guessing this guy sheered off when he realized he was rumbled, because you weren’t going to be fooled by his fake “cancer reports.”

    Granted, there are other kinds of abusers and personality disordered people who are not psychopathic—though they still need to be avoided like the plague! And some of the symptoms you saw might not be psychopathic. Quite a few people are estranged from friends and family, though it’s always well worth asking why! So he was “charming”? Some people are genuinely charming, and sincere besides. But if the “charm” seems slick and superficial, that raises suspicions of psychopathy. Faking is a prime specialty of theirs.

    Love bombing, jealousy, and possessiveness? That could arise from the sheer neediness (and resulting clinginess) of some abusers: the borderline types, for instance. Lying and “gaslighting”? Well, people often lie to avoid admitting they “did something wrong,” and to evade the fallout from it. Naturally that’s confusing to anyone who senses that it must be a lie, and it can “drive them crazy” trying to figure it out, even though that’s just a side effect and not necessarily always the liar’s primary intention.

    But that’s all about “lying for a purpose,” which many people do, as deplorable as it is. What you described is incessant lying even when it serves no purpose: “lying for the sake of lying,” we might say. That’s a strong marker of psychopathy. So too is the “mirroring” you described. It’s how they construct their fake persona to draw you in. You were dead right to ask yourself whether this wasn’t all just “too good to be true”!

    Why did he give you all this nonsense about “having cancer”? Partly to gain your sympathy, I’m sure, in the hope of binding you closer to him. Yet it was also an outstanding example of a needless lie, one he never needed to tell to retain your affection. I wonder if you’d already told him about the loved one you lost to cancer before he came up with this story, and he decided to use your loss to play on your sympathies. That was a cruel thing to do.

    Most of all, his apparent lack of empathy is at the root of the very nature of psychopathy. I can see why you found this odd: “alien,” in fact. I’m talking about his bizarre reaction of laughter when you told him about your fall, and your friend’s car accident.

    Of course there are situations in which normal people can laugh at another’s misfortune: for instance at slapstick comedy, or when stupidity or irony is involved. However, it seems clear that this guy’s laughter was totally inappropriate in the cases you mentioned. Where anyone would have expected a sympathetic reaction, he had none. Quite the opposite.

    All I say is that I’m glad he’s out of your life. I hope you have better luck in the future!

    • #46965

      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi Redwald,

      Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your detailed and informative feedback, which is truly insightful. I feel like a weight has been lifted off.
      Those few months I was with him, I felt mixed emotions. I was happy and so stressed at the same time.
      I couldn’t understand what was going on.

      Yes, he did know from the start that I had lost my mother to cancer. My mother meant the world to me, and in the essence she will always be.. After all, love is eternal. That is why it hurts all the more. I’ve seen someone I love suffer from cancer. I lost her to the dreadful disease. And finally figuring out that he faked cancer, was the last straw.

      In fact, when I realised he was making up stories and lying furthermore to divert my attention, I backed off. I kept my responses brief and to the point. I stopped checking up on him. He stopped initiating contact. He said he was stressed and eventually disappeared from my life.

      Being an empath, I worry and care a lot about others. You can imagine how concerned I was when he said he had battled with cancer. He tried to create so many similarities in our respective lives, that I felt we actually had some sort of cosmic connection.

      After this episode, I’ve been reading so much about psychopaths that I wondered why he faked cancer. I came across Donna Anderson’s videos and this website which has truly been a blessing for me.
      And then I wondered were his intentions to create a trauma bond? To make sure I would get sucked in, and never leave him? He knew I had been a caregiver to my mother. Maybe he wanted me to play that role in his life. Or maybe he was just toying with my feelings and emotions?
      Or maybe he wanted to scare me off by telling me he had cancer in the past?

      Sometimes, I feel like confronting him. But, then I realise that he’ll only throw another bunch of lies. So, I’ve stuck to No Contact and haven’t reached out since he’s ghosted me.
      He disappeared from my social media and became active on a dating website. He started following random women. In fact, he did more ridiculous things to get a reaction from me, but I’ve been ignoring him all long. And then I read up on zombieing and haunting which is also a common phenomenon nowadays.

      • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  starryeyed.
  • #47214

    iwillrise
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing your story. I had similar situations in my relationship which unfortunately lasted longer (year and a half). Your lying example also reminded me of my ex who shared many elaborate detailed lies. Everything from lying about having full custody of his daughter and going through court to making up stories about going to the jewelry store and giving me specific names of people he talked to about engagement rings to lying about his credit card being hacked. After we got further into the relationship I realized many parts of his stories didn’t add up and on occasion, would research to confirm I wasn’t going crazy (like calling the jewelry store and asking for the names he gave me…of course they didn’t exist). Even when confronting him with 100% evidence, would vehemently deny the lie still or twist it to of course make it sound like I was crazy.
    And I can relate on the inappropriate reactions to sad situations. He would often “blame” that person for their affliction or say they deserved it. Complete lack of empathy.
    And I’ve had a similar ending. After discovering cheating (that he lied about), I left him and he has not reached out at all. All of that time and heart investment and nothing.

    Hang in there!

    • #47216

      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi iwillrise,

      Sorry to know everything you’ve been through. The reason I haven’t confronted him either is because I know he’ll make up more stories and lie all the more. There’s so much that’s happened during this period of No Contact too that it’s really crazy.

  • #47217

    starryeyed
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I wanted to update you all on what’s happened on my front recently. I’ve been successfully doing No Contact and haven’t reached out to him in these 3 months. But he has created a fake account and is stalking me and watching what I’m doing on my social media platforms.

    So, how do I know it’s him? Even though he’s made a fake account, I guess he wasn’t aware that Instagram tends to sync the Facebook profile. So, now his Facebook friends have started following him on the fake account too. Plus he’s uploaded some photos to make it look realistic but is using captions similar to mine. I can’t make my profile private because my work requires me to have a public presence.

    I don’t understand why is he putting in so much effort to stalk me? He ghosted me. He constantly lied. And now that I’m trying to lead my life as normally as I can and get on with things, and he is stalking me? I haven’t blocked the fake profile because he’d know then that I’m aware. Moreover, he can make more fake profiles to do the same in the future. So, I’m ignoring and not reacting to him as usual.

    I wonder if he will reach out though ?

  • #47218

    iwillrise
    Participant

    Wow, that is interesting. I have read that in some instances, they ghost to make the other party cave in and reach out and so to “win” in the situation, he’s probably doing everything he can (fake profile) to still try to have contact without seeming like he is (even though you’re smarter than that). I give you props for standing your ground on no contact! I caved a few times since my breakup in the last few months but am firm on no future reach outs at this point.

    • #47219

      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi iwillrise,

      He has done multiple things in these past few months that have infuriated me. I’m sure he has done this so that I react angrily and reach out to him or confront him about his behaviour.

      But, I haven’t done that. Because I know that’s what he wants, and I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I’ve tried to remain calm. It’s difficult sticking to No Contact. There are moments I feel like reaching out to him and asking him why he is doing all this, because deep down I’m extremely hurt.

      It’s strange but despite whatever he’s done, I pray to God for his health and happiness. The thing is I still do care (maybe because I’m an empath and feelings don’t disappear quickly, at least in my case). I don’t want to hold grudges and I want to move on peacefully. I’m trying to forget him but it’s not easy. Hence, whenever his thought crosses my mind, I only wish him well.

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