What is going to happen next?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  elle 1 year, 6 months ago.

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  • #41665


    I was in a long distance relationship with a

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  sugarplum08.
  • #41669


    This is the question I am asking myself… What WILL happen next? The madness continues. A restraining order has been in effect since 12/2014.

    WILL THE CHAOS EVER END… ? It makes healing from the abuses even harder and keeps the flash backs coming.. with every new detail of the destruction he has created.

    12/14 I acquired a restraining order from my “disordered Husband. It has been nothing but pure hell since. While he stays away physically from our home… he has continually tried to break the restraining order 8 times via a neighbor, our adult daughters and putting them in a very difficult position. He of course is claiming he is the victim always and he consistently engages in trying to manipulate our 2 older daughters (31 and 35) to engage them in 3 party contact. He has engaged his flying monkeys in the small town I live in to feel bad for him as he tells lies about me and then these individuals go about this little town gossiping.

    While going to the Court House for a conciliation hearing in April`.. he broke the Restraining Order: verbally harassing both myself and our youngest daughter (who also has a restraining order against him because of abuse) in the Court parking lot and walking towards us… and then again inside the Court House by standing 12 feet away from us glaring and staring with his cold, black as night bone chilling eyes trying to intimidate us inside the lobby. He is required to stay 100 yards away.

    Obviously.. I expected we were going to cross paths in the Courthouse… but he should have SAID NOTHING to us. After walking into the Lobby of the Courthouse and seeing us standing there waiting for my lawyer, he should have walked back outside to wait for his lawyer OR gone straight to the elevators and gone up to the court room.

    At the violation hearing for the Restraining Order violation, he lied to the Clerk Magistrate. Thankfully, the Clerk Magistrate was savvy to him and his lies and found him guilty. He had an arraignment in June. A pre-trial hearing is set for August on his violation. Time will tell if he owns up to this violation but history has shown he is a pathological liar, never takes any accountability for his behavior so perhaps it will go to a trial which my daughter and I have to take another day off of work to attend.

    In a Concilation Hearing,he made his demands through his lawyer to my lawyer initially: “he wants his fair share of the equity in the home…a ridiculous suggestion as there is NO EQUITY in this home due to the damages he caused. Illegal damages, refused to take out permits, did negligent subpar work and violated the Blg codes of this state. There were constant arguments over this.I of course received more abusive assaults for daring to confront him. I always took out Blg permits on work I had done here.
    His demand: he wants $ 100,000. this was a drop down from $ 200,000. A
    Court Mediator, having not looked at the case data nor any evidence including the Home Inspection report I had done listing the severity of the damages including structural damage he has caused here on the marital home all while he held a current State Licensed Contractor Supervisor license, got him to agree to taking $ 80,000. for a settlement. I had to decline his offer- I don’t have that kind of money and.. THERE IS NO EQUITY! This a home he has never made any payments towards: 2 mortgages, RE taxes,Home Owner Insurance, utilities, or paid any of the costs of upkeep.

    My dad gave me the initial down payment for this property,and it was seller financed for 5 years. 2 years later my Dad $ 200,000. mortgage so I could paid off the seller financed mortgage ( $ 121,500.) because my husband continued to have serious financial chaos in his business. with the extra money, I purchased all materials to renovate, upkeep, landscape. His buyout is a joke and just obvious of more of his issues of POWER AND CONTROL.

    The buyout demand is an unrealistic amount and he knows it….there is no equity in this home. in fact a property sale will not even pay the debts on this home.

    I have received monetary gifts and an inheritance from my family over the course of this marriage in excess of $ 900,000. I have to documentation to
    prove it.

    On Wednesday, I had a structural engineer come to my house to assess the damages that the home Inspector reported on thee inspection report….yes- to protect myself in court in September trial- I am having to spend money I do not have.. on top of substantial legal fees. Did I mention my husband pays nothing for legal fees? How do these people get away with scamming so many?

    The Structural Engineer found severe violations of code:
    !.) the deck: has NO footings, incorrect beam sizes were used, inadequate to hold the load of deck,the deck is improperly and illegally secured to the house. The supports used were pieces of wood placed on dirt! The deck is in imminent danger of collapse and no one- not even my dogs should be allowed on it.I thought this deck had been under the main building permit and was inspected along with the new windows, new doors and other renovations that were being done. WRONG…
    2.) An “add on’ shed roof to the pool house already has a partial collapse from the snow load of the winter of 2015. The home Owners policy would not pay to repair it because it was not built to code. The roof was attached incorrectly to the main roof rafters of the pool house. The roof was attached to the main roof every 4 feet instead of every 12 ” to the main roof. The pool house did have a permit but he must have put on this roof on after the Blg inspector did his final inspection.I was unaware of this fact. This shed roof is also in emminent collapse and the pool house which was once lovely… has now been taken over and inhabited with squirrels, chipmunks and who knows what other varmants because the collapse left an access way open.The entire contents:furniture, carpeting, sheet rock has all been destroyed. It needs to be torn down or torched by the Fire Dept.and used as a fire training site.

    3.) AND FOR THE WORST OF ALL: the crawl space: My husband, in spite of my not agreeing to having him dig out the crawl space.. did major damage to the structural integrity of the foundation… 30 ft worth. While digging out dirt, he got tired of using 2 gallon buckets to remove the dirt and decided to build a ramp so he could use a wheel barrow to remove dirt to the outside. HE never spoke about this and this home is a 3oo+ year old barn that had been beautifully renovated.

    To build the ramp- he CUT THE MAIN BEAM OF THE HOME, CUT FLOOR JOISTS AND LEFT THEM UNSUPPORTED, damaged other important structural beams in the process and as I said earlier. 30 feet of the stone foundation has been severely compromised and also in danger of imminent collapse.

    I had already received a estimate for repairs from a reputable contractor. The estimate is over $ 215,000. but the excessive damages in the crawl space make it even higher.

    This visit was on Weds and I am reeling with heartache, devastation and anxiety.

    Upon leaving, the Structural Engineer shook my hand and said: ” I wish you good luck and I know this much… whoever did this to your property is a very sick individual”

    YES, my husband is indeed a very sick individual. I got conned like many of us here on this website. He has disordered thinking, he is an abuser and I felt like I had to stay in this marriage to protect my 3 daughters because early on… in the early 90’s a lawyer told me I would have to share custody and I knew my daughters physical and emotional safety was in danger. I feel like I have been a human shield for them. He is the ultimate con man. I believe he is a Borderline Sociopath though I recognize I am not a medical professional qualified to make this diagnosis. He has black and white thinking, is rigid in thought, impulsive, erratic and irrational. HE was dependent and his mantra when he knew I was emotionally detaching from him was “we are better together than we are apart” Under my breath I would say to myself.. no I am not but our innocent daughters are”

    The stories and seasons of abuse are horrific and disgusting. This man should be in a psychiatric residential community and under 24 hr supervision before he finds his next victim with his cunning charm and pathological lies.

    I need a miracle, the lottery or a go fund me page or something to help me raise money to save my home which in turn will save my preschool. It is my life’s passion.

    Any prayers, advice or support will be greatly appreciated.


    He appeared kind, easy going, showed signs of true adoration for me in the beginning… and then slowly… the mask would slip… ever so gently… and then the kindness again… leaving me confused… wondering… was it is challenging upbringing with what I considered mean spirited, controlling, critical and abusive parents who had alcohol issues. I never met them unto 2 weeks before the marriage as they lived on the opposite side of the East Coast and yet he had NOTHING BUT THE HIGHEST REGARD FOR THEM… THEY SOUNDED LIKE A PERFECT FAMILY… and did I mention.. “good Chiristians” HAHAHA! Horrible people….

    I am in shock… trying to figure out how to get through this divorce… I hope I have a Judge who can see through this man. I have my financials documents in order. I have been given throughout this marriage and inherited
    from my parents: $ 987,000. It is gone… into this home, purchase and renovations,paid to put my daughters through college because he refused and it was important to me they be educated.

    I think I need a miracle in the event I am solely given this house due to his of his abusive conduct throughout this marriage… it is too long of a story to go through but the abuse is SUBSTANTIAL and sickening on all levels… l
    $ 43,000.(not included in home owner damages because he put the roof on wrong according to the insurance adjuster) There is a partial roof collapse on our pool house, I was unaware he did this after the initial inspection by thebuilding inspector in our town… again learned from the insurance adjuster and the home inspector this was all done in violation of the blg code. I make payments monthly on 2 roof loans. For what he considers his fair share: He wants $ 100,000.,he wants the home sold at all costs and wants 1/2 of the house contents- all items I inheritated from my parents and grand parents.Then he said he would accept $ 80,000. and wants 2 payments of $ 40,000. each.. one payment payable immediately and the final payment in 30 days. The problem is….. there is no equity. I learned through the home inspection report that there are substantial damages.The maohoganny deck ( I paid for supplies) he has never paid any mortgage payments, home owners payments, RE taxes or the utilities. I have paid it all out of my business here on my property. I am 64 yrs old, I love my job here and am unable to move it as it is an educational program for young children. Trying to find a place to rent is impossible.

    He is a carpenter and was licensed through the state we live in. HE did work on this property. All of it done incorrectly and learned through a HOME INSPECTION I had done last summer.Since the marriage in 1981- I have been gifted through my parents and then through my inheritance over $ 900,000. over the course of this 36 yr marriage. He has been less than a provider… thus the reason I started my own home business so I could remain the primary home maker available to my children and provide stability because the finacial chaos in his business required us to move frequently.. he was always on the verge of bankruptcy bring me and our daughters right into his chaos.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  elle. Reason: spelling error
  • #41671

    Donna Andersen

    elle – I am so sorry for your situation. What a nightmare. I can offer a few suggestions – although none of them are directly related to the legal issues.

    1. Keep researching so that you understand exactly what a sociopath is (He qualifies) and what that means for legal issues. the following may help:

    Issues to consider before taking a sociopath to court

    2. The court’s decision will likely be made based on who is more believable. Before you go to court, do as much healing work as you can. Then, be prepared for your day in court. These webinars may help you:

    Courses for survivors: Court and divorce with sociopaths / narcissists / psychopaths

    It sounds like you have your documentation. If you can be businesslike in court, perhaps the judge will see the truth.

    • #41674


      Thank you Donna –

      I have an excellent lawyer- he has been on the Board of a Battered Women’s Shelter for 30 yrs so he will well seasoned although he says this is the WORST case he has ever seen. He has been a wonderful blessing in my life.

      I have my documentation and be remain businesslike and professional and will continue to educate myself. Educating ourselves in these situations is paramount as is self care.

      It certainly is a journey… and much like a Stephen King thriller… though I have never watched those horror films!

      Thank you for providing this site for all of us to gain support, understand we are not alone and for the invaluable education. Education is imperative in our healing.



  • #41673


    It sounds like it would take a miracle to reverse the financial damage that he has done to you and to your home. It is typical of abusive sociopaths to cause financial damage along with emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological harm.

    His abuse and his continual harassment of you is likely causing you long term stress and PTSD. You might consider making your mental and physical health a priority. You might consider what is possible for you to obtain, without a miracle. Maybe take a look at the pros and cons of different courses of action. Brainstorm actions you may not have considered yet, for example what would the long term cost benefit be to you if you left that house and started over? You might consider the pros and cons of different courses of actions going forward only. His wasting $900,000 is an overwhelming tragedy, but the damage he has done cannot be undone, and it’s best to make future plans based on what’s best for you going forward only. Your healing may be the most important asset to protect and to invest in.

    Hiring the best attorney you can afford, even if expensive, is helpful. You have a better chance of a favorable outcome, which will result in the best financial situation even if you spend more money up front.

    • #41676


      Thank you AnnettePK-
      You gave great and sound advice 🙂

      My Atty is wonderful as I just replied to Donna. I do need to and am looking at all my options.. it is a daunting but a necessary reality.

      The whole process that I have to stay engaged in as I move towards the Divorce Trial is definitely causes stress and PTSD which includes flash backs at times because it keeps me hooked.

      I have a wonderful therapist that I have worked with long term as I walked this walk to get my daughters raised while living under the same roof with him.I continue to work with her.

      My husband is in the “crush and burn me” phase…. he has been outed as an abuser and he is enraged and out of control.

      This house will not sell as is I have already spoken to 3 realtors and any offer will be less that what is owed on it is my problem if in fact there would even be an offer. Most buyers will run when they see the extent of the damage.

      I have always made it a high priority to pay my bills on time and I have been very responsible and cared about having good credit. If I have to claim bankruptcy it will be devastating to me but I realize I may have to look closer at this option.

      I have no savings left after having to pay for legal fees since 2014. I also had to support my oldest daughter when she was raped in 2012 … sigh…. so I am trying desperately trying to figure out what I need to to do next.

      A buy out is not possible… if the judge finds that he should receive something in spite of his the damages he caused which is the reason of the severe depreciation in value……. then I will claim bankruptcy.

      I agree with you about self care- it is also extremely important to me…. so I am putting my mental, physical and emotional health first as I walk this journey… one day at a time.. and some days… it is more like one step at a time… and baby steps at that.

      Thank you for reaching out.



      • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  elle. Reason: spelling

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