How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › What is happening? Please can someone help
August 30, 2018 at 2:38 am #46834
I am a singer and have been most of my life, through my music I met a man that was also in the business but more on a local level. We met in a club where we had mutual friends.
I noticed immediately that he liked to brag and name drop, that was actually my first impression of him.
However he did seem like a likable guy, soon after meeting, he asked me to come and perform with his band the following month to which I agreed to sing a song or two. Although he wasn’t exactly someone I would be romantically interested in, we did have music in common so I thought I should give it a chance at least..
He started calling me, writing me on Facebook through private message, complimenting me and making it known that he would like to get involved. So, we made a date…the dinner date went well so we continued to hang out for the next few months.
To be honest after awhile things seemed to take a very strange turn as he became somewhat controlling. He started calling me and telling me that I needed to take certain individuals off of my Facebook page, he felt that certain individuals were just out to flirt with me or worse. These individuals were either fans of my music, acquaintances or musicians that he was basically jealous of. I wanted to please him so I deleted a lot of people. As more time went by, this behavior continued. He started to get bolder with me and basically demanded that I remove even more individuals that he didn’t particularly like. He also made it clear that he no longer wanted me to perform any more but rather be an audience member in support of his band.
On his Facebook page he had a profile photo of himself wearing a wedding ring, although he had been divorced for a few years. He also was friends with his ex’s including an ex wife. There was also family photos on his profile showing holidays of all of them together…. it was obviously ok for him to do this but not for me.
This was a red flag to me and even more flags started waving in front of me when he did not want any photos of me or mention of me on any of his social network pages. The excuses were not only lame but ridiculous. At one point, he broke it off with me and I should have kept it that way. However he returned by texting me and I was quick to allow it to get started again.
After knowing him 7 months, he asked me to move in. I decided to give it a try. At this point I found out a lot of things, he didn’t have a job, no money, he drove an old rusty, loud, junky pick up truck. He lived in a home that was owned by his parents and they lived next door in a trailer. He had no food in the house but somehow always had cheap beer. His parents were in their early 80s and basically took care of him.
I had a full time job and I ended up supporting him…. I bought the groceries and paid for his cigarette habit of two packs a day and he also asked me to buy his beer.
This became his lifestyle and he took full advantage of it. He drank from 8 in the morning until early evening everyday. Not once did he try to help out with anything.
He also seemed to have a fake
love towards me… he would constantly repeat the words I love you every few minutes, like it was a habit rather than what he really felt. He would also always call me baby or honey… very rarely called me by my name.
He never made a move to hold me, hug me or kiss me. It was always me that showed affection.
I started paying more attention to his behavior and I knew something wasn’t right. Once in a blue moon, his band would play so he would get a little money. One of those times was around my birthday, I thought he would at least get me a card…..instead he started an argument with me when I got home and treated me awful for no reason. I didn’t get a card, gift or even happy birthday. I ended up by myself by going out to get something to eat at Taco Bell.
I also noticed that he would still not put a photo of me on his Facebook page or even say anything about me on it. One day I told him if he didn’t start acting like we were a real couple I was leaving. Crying and begging I asked him to put something on his Facebook to make us public, he goes to the bathroom and comes back and tells me we should break up. I was in shock. This would become a pattern where he would periodically out of the blue decide that we should go our separate ways.
But he would always return the same way as before with a text. And we would once again start talking. I would ask him all the time if there was someone else and his reply would be the same…no.
I had came across a letter his ex wife had written asking him to spend time with her and possibly get back together. He had it hidden in a droor. So I always felt like something was still going on between them.
The other bothersome behavior was his secretiveness, particularly with his cellphone that his mom and dad purchased for him.
He kept it close to him like it was an appendage. He even took it to the bathroom, never leaving it out.
The ringer was usually off or on low. At night he kept it in the pocket of his pants with pillows and clothes piled up on it, on the floor of his side of the bed.
Several times I woke up in the middle of the night and turned to find that he was sliding it underneath his pillow. When he awoke in the morning, he would grab it immediately and get a cup of coffee and head downstairs. His unusual behavior concerning the phone was one of our most repeated arguments. I cannot begin to even explain the atrocious lies about everything. He would lie about things that would not matter, just lying to be lying.
I knew he was up to something so I decided to record him while I was at work. What I ended up hearing was unbelievable!
I realized he had more problems than what I ever suspected.
I heard him talking to himself in big conversations about random things. He also would “practice” what he was going to say and then call people like his dad, me , a friend etc… and he would repeat everything that I had just heard when he was talking to himself.
Then things got worse, I heard him making comments and various statements that were sick and sexual as if he was reading a text and responding verbally.
At times I couldn’t differentiate if his ramblings were sick fantasies or if he was actually looking at something or in conversation by text with someone. It repulsed me.
I confronted him with the audio recordings and he stated that it wasn’t him and he didn’t say anything. I asked him if it was his imposter and he just looked at me with those cold dead eyes.
I realized at this point that what I was feeling and suspecting was legitimate. He did not really love me but was using me.
He would start arguments when their was no problem, he falsely accused me of lying or not being where I said I was etc… I recall a few times lying next to him in bed and he treated me as if he absolutely hated me with his entire being. The more I asked him what was wrong, the angrier he got.
I truly believe he did things on purpose to hurt me. He stopped telling me he loved me at the end of a phone conversation where he always said it before. His phone calls to me basically stopped. During a phone conversation, he had nothing to say. It was as if he suddenly stopped loving me.
I never knew from day to day how I was going to be treated and the coldness was bone chilling. He had no feeling, no remorse. I never ever heard him say I’m sorry or take responsibility for anything. I only heard negative things about me and how he wasn’t going to put up with it. I cried, I begged, I poured my heart out trying to please him but nothing worked.
Four weeks ago I had taken my mother to the doctor and I went to spend two days with her, on my way back to his house he called me and was very angry. I had no idea what was wrong but by the tine I arrived at his house, he was falsely accusing me of not taking my mom to the doctor and suggesting I was up to something. I had my mom on the phone trying to convince him etc… there was no talking to him in any capacity. He told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life. The day before he was telling me how much he loved me and was going on and on about it. In 24 hours he had changed into a different person.
I left , returned to my mothers, I blocked him, his family and friends in every way imaginable. I have went complete no contact. Last week I got the usual text how he don’t want the relationship to end the way it did and then gave the list of things I did wrong etc… I didn’t even defend myself, I didn’t respond in any way.
Then two days ago, my ex husband contacted me and told me that he was sent a message on his Facebook messenger from my N asking to please call him that he wanted to try and figure me out by discussing me with my ex husband.
My ex husband didn’t respond to him but blocked him. I don’t know what to expect next or if he will try to hurt me in someway. If anyone can help me with understanding all of this, I would greatly appreciate it.
August 30, 2018 at 6:04 am #46836
Those “cold, dead eyes” are the eyes of a psychopath.
I can’t predict what he’ll do next, but if all he’s done since you left was to try persuading you to come back, and he hasn’t tried to hurt you out of revenge, then he may not do anything worse. Anyway you’re doing the right thing by blocking him and maintaining “no contact.” Keep it up!
August 30, 2018 at 9:40 am #46837
Thank you. I wasn’t sure what I had been dealing with, whether he was just a jerk or he had some sort of mental disorder.
The fact that he could verbally tell me how much he loves me one day and the next day be so full of hatred and act cold made no sense.
His outrageous lies, his secretiveness, his cycle behavior… he seemed to enjoy hurting me… no loving response to my pain or hurt.
I’m just now researching and educating myself on narcissistic sociopaths and to be honest, he has most if not all the characteristics.
August 30, 2018 at 1:33 pm #46841
Hi Singmodel67, you were living in a nightmare! This guy is a huge RED FLAGS of sociopathic behavior!!!
Your gut instinct said to go no contact with him!! LISTEN TO YOUR STRONG GUT REACTION TO HIM & HIS BEHAVIOR!! It’s telling you the truth!!
What our society does not realize is the BULK of domestic abuse is emotional, mental & verbal abuse. You hon, have been living in a emotional, mental & verbally abusive relationship. He is a horrible human being. His behavior is NOT normal!! His behavior towards you & his parents IS abusive!!
Typically physical abuse does not occur until the victim is about to leave or has left her abuser. So you need to be vigilant with him. Also, now that sociopath typical try to boomerang back into a past victims life to get more money, sex, a place to live or anything the want from them. So BEWARE!! Keep the NO contact rule in place.
My ex h, a sociopath did the same maneuver = getting friends involved to “win” me back. This is what this guy is doing by going thru your ex husband. SO SO GLAD your ex husband called you & blocked this guy. Your ex husbands gut alarm went off & he followed his gut instinct with this sociopath.
Keep reading everything here at love fraud to educate yourself. Donna Anderson Lovefraud site creater has a library full of valuable information for you to unravel the hell you have been enduring.
On the Home page go down to the YELLOW BOX and read everything there. Also, there are excellent videos up at the top under the red tab “videos” for you to watch.
Look up these things up at the top search bar here at love fraud:
Gas lighting abuse
no contact rule
sociopath smear campaign
Also google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview about listening to your gut instinct.
Gavin Debeckers book is called The Gift of fear (your local library may have it)
Donna Anderson’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath will help you to understand more of the hell you have endured. You can go to the top under “Store” to find her book.
Keep asking questions & venting here, it really does help to heal.
So glad you had the courage to research for the truth & post here at love fraud. Both HUGE steps in healing!! ?
Wishing you all the best!
Take care. ???
August 30, 2018 at 3:14 pm #46842
Sandra Brown’s book Women Who Love Psychopaths is also good.
August 30, 2018 at 5:53 pm #46843
ps Just want to add that you should contact your local abuse center for help with a Domestic Abuse safe & exit plan. You can call your National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA 1800-799-SAFE) to get local abuse center numbers & also they can give you advise. Remember the most dangerous time for a victims of abuse is when she is either ready to leave her abuse or has just left. DONT answer your door if he shows up at your mothers home. Tell your mother & family to do the same. If you are scared of him showing up CALL THE POLICE asap. Just so you also know Donna Anderson is the site creator of Lovefraud. She has several books at the top.
- This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by Jan7.
August 30, 2018 at 6:40 pm #46845
Thank you so much for such wonderful advice. My heart is just broken to finally come to terms and realize that the man I have loved and cared for felt absolutely nothing. And that he is incapable of ever being able to love. It almost seems that sociopaths are aliens or some other form of life. That they are not really human. The lies, the secrets, the manipulation, the mood swings and I wasted precious time playing detective and investigator trying to discover the problem for months.
When he wrote my ex husband, he didn’t write to get me back, he told my ex husband he wanted to speak with him about me because he was trying to figure ME out….unbelievable! Maybe their is a real reason for his contact that I’m just missing. But I’m not ever going to have anything to do with him ever again.
August 30, 2018 at 7:58 pm #46846
Singmodel67, You’re so welcome. I know it’s extremely hard to look behind the sociopath wizard of oz curtain to find out the relationship will all a fraud. It’s devastating…the lies, the con game, the fact that we dropped our walls to show full love to them only to be conned from day one…is an absolute heart ache.
YES!! The are Aliens!! I think everyone that escapes the grips for sociopaths & psychopaths believe this. And has posted this same statement. Including me. They are not normal minded. They are pure pure evil The guy you dated is no different. Many things that you stated my ex did the same exact things!! Some how they use the same manipulative play books. It’s so wild to read peoples post & have their behavior so similar. It makes you want to see them as robots or Aliens….maybe they are?!?!
YES!! The mood swings they do daily is a nightmare…you end up walking on egg shells everyday. This is part of their control over you (us)…to make you focus on them and not on your own life. The ultimate goal of a sociopath is POWER & CONTROL OVER other peoples minds & life!! So once they have you focused solely on their life & fixing their problems (most likely fake problems to keep you busy) they have control & power over you.
This guy was no different. He wanted you catering to his every needs. He wanted you walking of egg shells to create low self esteem with you so that he had more power & control over your mind over you!! Part of the reason why they want power & control over you is so that you do not leave them. Also because they want to exploit you for money, sex, place to live, etc etc. Sociopath do not like to be alone at all. Just look at this guy how he treats his own parents. He is living in their home while they are living in a trailer!! They are 80 & worked hard and now they are living a nightmare.
I think part of the reason why he called your ex h was to fish for info to control you. To break you down so that you would come back to him. Also to create a sociopath smear campaign against you with friends or family. The sociopath will fish for info in the beginning of the relationship so that they can use it against you later & to create self esteem issues. If you or anyone ends up with low selfesteem it’s hard to leave because you feel like no one will ever love you again. But what sociopath so is anything but love. It’s better to be alone & show self love then to get nothing but abuse from a sociopath on a daily bases.
This is part of the reason why “couples therapy” never works with a sociopath because they will learn from the therapist & then twist & turn your mind to blame you for everything.
This is why it’s very important in the beginning of a relationship with anyone not to give to much info. If someone is asking a lot of questions in the beginning of a relationship you need to take note and what their behavior. Some people are just inquisitive but a sociopath is gathering info to use against you later.
Dont let this ex evil man rent space in your mind. You will never figure out everything the sociopath did behind your back nor will you ever figure out truly what all their manipulative games really mean.
Right now just focus on reading articles here at lvoefruad & watching the videos up at top & reading the yellow tab section on LF home page to educate yourself on their behavior & analysis it to you relationship.
I was married 12.5 years to a sociopath. I will never know what he did behind my back. But I have a very good idea as he was a serial cheater, pathological lying, manipulative con artist. I got to a point I realized I was still to focused on “what did he do during our marriage” that I was not healing. So I just had to accept the fact he was doing everything…he was conning everyone he meet…for fun, for sport, for money, sex, etc etc.
Glad you have gotten to the point that you dont want anything else to do with him. Just block him. If he comes by your home DO NOT Anwser the door!! And if you have to call the police. But do not talk with him. Sociopaths are masters at flipping the cards & getting the true vicim arrested. They are pathological liars who can get anyone to believe their stories. I witnessed this with the divorce Judge in court. It just made me realize that I was not stupid like he told me…that he was just that good at getting anyone to give him what he wanted. Even the Judge in divorce court.
Sending you huge hugs hon. Glad you know the truth about him. It’s like getting a key to how this planet works. Know that 1 in 25 people are sociopath/psychopaths on this planet and 1 in 5 are narcissist…mainly men but their are also lots of females. This is why it is so important to listen to your GUT INSTINCT the second you meet someone. I read a study after I left my ex. It said that with in 3 seconds a human can determine if someone is honest. Remember this fact!!
Take care. ????
September 4, 2018 at 1:01 pm #46897
He contacted your ex to make you more miserable. Period. That is what they do, inflict misery. Makes them feel BIG AND STRONG. He can embarrass you and try to make himself out to be a victim. Killing two birds with one stone, by the single act of contacting your ex. It is all manipulation and fabrication. He has no motive to understand, to heal, to figure things out. He is simply playing a game, and calling your ex was a ‘move’ on his chessboard. Now he wants you to react, or your ex, so he can make his next move.
September 4, 2018 at 2:30 pm #46899
He is playing a game. Don’t react.
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